So he kissed a girl....

[MomentarilyLost]

I started a thread about discovering my husband sending dirty emails to women and then going on to discover he had signed up to dating sites, singles chat rooms and had a secret facebook account.

All this has been going on during office hours.

So through means I am not proud of I have had the confirmation he has been sleeping with someone for two years. Another girl has told me they met and kissed.

I feel sick.

I feel stupid I didnt see this coming.

and do you know what..? the bastard still denies it.

I dont know how I will get through these coming days?

My poor children, I can barely talk at the minute

Any advice on how to pull myself together would be greatly received

Thank you RoxyRobin. I cant help but beat myself up. I feel pathetic for even considering this could work.

He has just turned up and is banging on the window (he doesnt have a key)

I dont want him here.

My sister has taken the children for the night.

I dont know what to do?!

Tell him (through the window) that you're calling the police, and do it so he can see.

Tell the police you're a woman at home on your own and there's a man banging at the window and you're scared.

If you don't want him to come in, don't let him.

(please bear in mind I haven't read your whole thread, just read the last page and didn't want you to go unanswered).

I shouldnt be surprised he lied. I had discovered how easy he found it to deceive me. He got away with sleeping with someone else because I would never think to question whether he was at work or not. How silly of me.

I cant believe I let him make me think this was a turning point for him.

I need to get my head round where to go from here, now it seems this is never going to work.

He wants a chance to prove himself, I don't know if I can do this anymore.

I just need to move forward instead of back.

Why is it so hard for me to do so? I don't know how to get out of this mixed up place my head is in.

I am starting to wonder if I am now getting depressed. The children are away for the weekend and I cant find the energy to even get dressed.

Had an emotional weekend. More fool me maybe.. but I heard him out and I let h back home.

He seems genuinely distraught and concerned at why he does these things to sabotage progress and voiced this at his home visit.

Before Thursday he really was putting the work in. He was doing everything off his own bat, looking into things without me asking. I had made the decision to hold back, wanting him to seek out help for himself and he has done so.

I dont want this to become a way of life, waiting for the next set back. But maybe rather foolishly I am willing to see if a change can be made before I make the decision to walk away for good. I know that this wont happen over night but I also know I dont want to make allowances for an idiot.

I have been reading things online about getting over infidelity. Time and time again it will be stated how the blame lays with both partners, I find myself stupidly questioning this. all I can blame myself for is looking to fix problems which I now see were not my own. Maybe I am deluded.

I am still so exhausted and mentally drained, no amount of sleep seems to help. Family have been saying how strong I have been, I find it hard to say how much of a mess I now feel. Also think they must be tired of hearing about it. I feel pressure to be back on my feet functioning normally and pushing forward. Some days I feel full of strength and others I just feel floored.

Am I afraid I am being an idiot and things will never change for the better?

ML, given his particularly history, I cant see how you were to blame. If you did things (as we all do sometimes) which were unhelpful, it DID NOT cause the infidelity.

I am not sure what you have been reading. The general consensus is that both are to blame for the relationship problems, but only the cheater for his actions in cheating. He had other options, didnt he, as we all do?

Believe me, I felt like cheating myself by the time I was a few years into the sexless part of our marriage, but I didnt. And my h was only disinterested in sex, it turned out, because he was already cheating. See what I mean?

In your case, your h has a long term problem with infidelity. Nothing at all you could have done would have prevented this, and in any case he has been such a serial adulterer in one way or another that this is definitely about his past problems, childhood issues, self esteem, control, and god knows what.

If you are planning to stay with him, I think he needs counselling for his sex issues (possibly via GP), and ideally as a couple. Oh , and with couple counselling, hide nothing. I felt obliged not to hide it exactly, but to skip over the details at Relate of my h's infidelity, which obscured the fact that it was not just a bit of internet flirting but a full blown control related addiction. H didnt mind me raising it, of course, but he was embarrassed about the details, but the details and the reasons were the more important parts, I later decided. )Didnt even work that out myself till afterwards.

What a sad thread I feel so bad for you op

I hope things work out the way you want them to, but if I'm honest I can't see it happening

If you H is keen to work on himself then surely it would be better all round if he focused on that (elsewhere) and you could think about the possibility of trying again once he was 'better'

At the moment he really has no incentive to change does he? You have already proved over and over you will put up with whatever he throws at you

You and your children deserve better, I hope one day you realise that

Just caught up with your thread ML.

I think you're really regret taking him back. He will be the source of unhappiness for you and your children for years. He is extremely manipulative and will keep on hurting you and blaming it on addictions, mental illness, other people.....anything but the real reason which is that he is a cunt.

What on earth have you been reading that implies you were both to blame for his infidelity? That's a genuine question btw - even crappy Relate who disappear up their own arses in their attempts to stay even-handed, wouldn't agree with that. It's like saying that someone who's married to a secret drug user is to blame for it, or that someone whose partner secretly steals or harms them is to blame in some way.

There's an argument though for taking responsibility for staying in a relationship when you know the person is no good for you or your children. That then strays into 'enabling' territory because the moment you know what's been happening - and it's no longer a secret - is the moment when all the choices you make are active and informed.

So I'd urge you to think through the consequences of this decision and how it will affect not just you, but your children. They trust you to do what's right for them and that's an enormous responsibility. Don't get it wrong.

I am not sure what I have been reading really (stuff that isnt helpful it seems) deep down I know I am not to blame.The problems in our marriage stemmed from him too. I find myself questioning stuff that before I would have pooh-poohed. I feel like I don't know very much any more. My life as I knew it was a lie. I can't shake that feeling. Am I not sure what I should be reading or if I can be bothered to look at anything anymore.

There is the possibility of a referral for couples counselling and he is waiting to hear when he will start therapy.

I don't know if I am being foolish sticking around. I am scared I am putting my faith into someone who is always going to fall short.

I know I deserve better as do my dc. I was a single mum for 4 years, although it was tough I do look back at the time with pride and joy. I didnt expect to be going there again I guess. But I know its doable and how liberating it can be.

Probably need a kick up the bum, need to make sure I am living in the real world and not setting myself up for another almighty fall.

Do people really change? Is it possible to truly learn from your mistakes?

You know, when you start questioning things that previously you would have pooh-poohed because they weren't logical, what is really happening is that you're trying to control something. You have a sudden need to make yourself jointly responsible for something because that way, you feel you've got control of the future. So you're telling yourself that if you'd done x, y or z, he wouldn't have made those choices. Whereas if you now do a,b and c, he will behave like the person you need him to be.

But he won't. You couldn't control what he did and you can't control what he does.

You are very different people. When times got tough for you, would it have occurred to you to escape into encounters with lots of other men? If not, why not?

I am so sad you are getting deeper and deeper into someone else's fuckup, ML

what is your tipping point ?

are you getting help on your own account, independent of this useless waste of space ?

he is going to take you down with him, ML, and tbqh the only person that can prevent that is you

The difference is that you now know his MO, ML.

He wanders around like a little boy lost when you take action which forces him to confront the consequences of his actions.

It is ALL about him.

When you figuratively let him off the naughty step, he misbehaves again.

Infidelity is one thing, and that perhaps can be moved on from.

Pathological lying is just as damaging, and very insidious.

You need someone who can reassure you, protect you, be a worthy equal in your relationship.

This man doesn't sound like he fits the bill.

Your own safety and sanity, and that of your children are your top priorities now.

Your husband has behaved very badly, and imo this means he forfeits his right to be treated as a victim in all this.

Wish I could reply in more detail, dc running riot.

Hatty- I didnt run off into encounters because I have a moral compass I suppose. Always felt guilty if someone looked at me for to long. I made a commitment to be faithful. Although saying that I did suggest an open relationship at one point when I was sick of his rejection, he wasnt interested funnily.

Af-no help for myself as yet.

I keep thinking how much of myself I gave up for this relationship.

I feel locked down and dont know how to get me back.

You are in there, ML

it is him and his his issues that are crushing you

let him make his recovery (and all the acting-out along the way) away from you

you are not his therapist, you are not his saviour

you must save yourself

Your words are encouraging.
I just need to push pass being a dip shit

who is a dip shit ? Not you.

There you have it then.

You're different. You've got a moral compass, he hasn't. You consulted him about an open relationship, rather than lie to him or deceive him.

Or put it another way, you're an adult and you operate from that perspective in your dealings with people.

He doesn't. He operates from a child's perspective and treats you like a mummy whose role is to catch him out, chastise him and clear up his messes. Unfortunately you've unwittingly stepped into this parenting role with him and that damn fool doctor tried to get you to sign the casting agreement.

You're still clearing up his messes and indulging him. What's worse is you get nothing back for those efforts - no sex and the prospect of more messes.

You didn't cause this - he did.

You can't change him - he can.

But he won't while mummy is still there as a safety net.

No-one healthy wants sex with his mum either, so that's why he wouldn't have sex with you but tried it on with women he puts in another bracket.

The only way to deal with this is to treat him as an adult. Refuse to indulge him or make excuses for his culpability. As an adult, if a friend, colleague or boss treated you like this you'd step away and hold them accountable for their actions, particularly if people you were responsible for were going to get damaged too. In this situation that's your children.

spot on, Hatty cleaning up his messes infantilises him

he isn't an infant, he's a grown man who is responsible for his own health

if he were in a better place emotionally, he should be insulted that it appears he cannot be trusted for that

except he isn't, and he never will be while you continue to indulge his extremely poor life choices, and swallow his horrendous treatment of you

Hatty you make sense.

Sometimes it helps to have it spelt out.

I do wonder at my own ability to function as an adult, I have been a little useless at it of late.

The mothering thing really resonates with me. There have been many times when I said the very words 'I am not your mother' over the years. I had no intention of telling him what he could or couldnt do or how he was to behave. It was like he needed to be told or reminded though. Now I see thats the role he wanted me to play and I had inadvertently played it. I have become conscious of this, and stepped away from the role. There is evidence of issues around his emotional development, if its not already been picked from what I have posted

Having a bit of tough day, trying to wean my youngest DS off boob, had a good couple of days but he seems rather persistent today. Distract distract distract and dont sit down ever.

I do feel lighter and a bit clearer having a bit of an outlet on here again.

Well, he for sure is very successfully ensuring that his infidelity is paling into insignificance with his behaviour. ...

What is your tipping point. What is the worst behaviour you could possibly expect from him, now, that could possibly convince you to let him go?

For me it would have been the infidelity. Or the lying. Or the hair eating. What is it going to be for you? What does he need to do?

Quint, you forgot about the pretending to hang himself

oh. I did. Sorry. Yes, that would also have been a tipping point for me.....

ok yes i am a dip shit!

That's part of the problem, love.

When he shattered your very core through his infidelity, you had no chance to grieve and retreat did you? When we get a shock like that as adults, we all need to curl up in a ball and howl. None of us can behave as adults all of the time and in a crisis like this, it would have been healthier for you to have been allowed to be a child who'd been shocked and hurt. You needed to be parented a bit and allowed to retreat into child mode.

What happened to you was that he did that instead - the person who'd done that to you was too selfish to take responsibility so he forced you to remain in parent mode even though you were crying out for a cuddle and some soothing yourself. He's never stopped being a child.

So of course you're not functioning too well as an adult right now. It's delayed grief and shock. Don't fight it. Treat it as your time to give vent to your emotions. You've had to suppress these for so long while you've been tending to his dramas.