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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So he kissed a girl....

448 replies

MomentarilyLost · 16/02/2012 16:55

I started a thread about discovering my husband sending dirty emails to women and then going on to discover he had signed up to dating sites, singles chat rooms and had a secret facebook account.

All this has been going on during office hours.

So through means I am not proud of I have had the confirmation he has been sleeping with someone for two years. Another girl has told me they met and kissed.

I feel sick.

I feel stupid I didnt see this coming.

and do you know what..? the bastard still denies it.

I dont know how I will get through these coming days?

My poor children, I can barely talk at the minute

Any advice on how to pull myself together would be greatly received

OP posts:
MomentarilyLost · 09/06/2012 12:38

Thank you for your reply Offred. It has help to read your response.
I feel really sick about what I heard about him last night though. I need to stop this going round in my head. My brain feels like mush

OP posts:
Offred · 09/06/2012 13:18

It will pass. This part is hardest, finding out how much he has betrayed you. However none of it is your fault. If abusers were easy to spot then no-one would ever be abused would they? Sounds like your friend is savvy, I have one of those too. In the beginning I was in awe of her, now we support each other. Be kind to yourself, expect to feel awful but keep reminding yourself he did this too you, he was in possession of the facts not you and he cruelly exploited you, the blame is all entirely at his door and now you know you have done the right and strong thing and you are not only separating yourself and your family from his abuse but are brave and strong enough to have the horrible roller coaster of feelings about it.

Offred · 09/06/2012 13:20

If he speaks badly about you to other people or gets other people to be nasty to you this is harassment and he can be warned by the police about it and arrested if he continues.

midwife99 · 09/06/2012 15:13

Oh honey that's horrible but at least you now know that it is fairly common knowledge that he is a total twunt!

MomentarilyLost · 09/06/2012 15:55

He will be bringing the boys back in a little while. The thought of him turns my stomach right now. He is such a vile human being.

I feel like I have taken so many steps backwards over the last week.

I found we can afford to stay in our home though which is great news.

I just need to start pulling myself out of this slump now.

OP posts:
Offred · 09/06/2012 16:05

No steps backwards, steps forwards in that you are revealing him bit by bit. Your reaction is very normal.

skyebluesapphire · 09/06/2012 19:27

Sorry you are going through all this. Can't remember how old your children are but do you go to a children's centre or have one near you? I'm getting free counselling through mine but you need to have a child under five. You might have access to something like that in your area.

I think you are doing amazingly well

MomentarilyLost · 10/06/2012 22:44

I was going to come off mn for a bit.

But I need to get this out.

I feel like I have lost my way totally.

I am in so much pain. I can't stop thinking what an idiot I have been.

I hate my stbxh so very much for what he has done to me and our family.

I hate myself for not being able to pull myself together.

I know this will pass. God I hope it passes soon because I can't bear feeling so lost and alone much longer.

I still can't believe this mess.

I have lost so much weight. Which wouldnt be such a bad thing, if only I had lost it in the right places. I can't bear to look at my body in the mirror. I used to be so proud of my body. And again I hate myself for feeling so bad about the way I look.

I have so much to be thankful for, I am letting myself down by letting everything get to me so much.

I feel so alone tonight, and emotionally messed up

OP posts:
MomentarilyLost · 10/06/2012 22:52

Just seen your post skye.

I will look into the children centre thing tomorrow. Thanks for that x

I think I do need to look into some counselling, I am definitely struggling to deal with this emotional fall out on my own.

:(

OP posts:
midwife99 · 10/06/2012 22:55

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad tonight. Please don't hate yourself - you haven't done anything wrong & you've coped amazingly well with an absolute nightmare. You're a wonderful mother & of course your still completely gorgeous - that bastard ex twunt has just destroyed your self esteem & made you question everything that happened the last few years. It's completely understandable that you feel so upset. Have you seen GP? Maybe a short course of antidepressants could help you through for a while?

midwife99 · 10/06/2012 22:56

Yes and counselling.

AnyFucker · 10/06/2012 23:04

ML, you know me, right ? I have been with you (on MN) right from the beginning of this, yeah ? I missed your posts from last week as I was away.

Please don't take a break from here. Stick around a bit longer. What I want you to do is to make an appt with your GP first thing in the morning, and make sure you attend. Tell him/her exactly what you have told us...you are not eating, you have racing thoughts, you cannot sleep and cannot eat.

Then when you have done that, come back and tell us. Then tell us how it goes.

The prostitute thing ? How could you have known that ? What are you, a mindreader ? Yes, he is not looking a like a great man now but why would you think otherwise before all this ? if we all had the benefit o hindsight none of us would ever make a mistake, nor trust someone that ultimately lets us down.

Your h has let you down in the most vile and basic ways. he is still doing so. The child safety issues in his care are a massive worry to you (and to me)

but ML, if you lose it now, you will take your eye off the ball

don't let him do that to you

you can still stay yourself, with some help from the GP probably in the form of anti-anxiety or anti depressant meds

so what if it comes to that ? Everybody needs extra help sometimes. the thing is, your H needs help but he won't acknowledge it. The best thing you could do is accpet that help for yourself, so that you can look out for kids

if need be, ring your sister tonight just to hear a voice

if that isn't working, ring The Samaritans for a listening ear until you can get to the gp

you ae frightening me a little bit with how close to the edge you sound, but listen, you can hang on, because you don't fancy the alternative, right ?

that a man could bring you so low

don't let him do that to you, he has done his worst, let everything else wash over you

please stick around and tell us how you are x

skyebluesapphire · 10/06/2012 23:16

My doctor put me on anti depressants and advised counselling through relate(on my own) but as I mentioned I have got some free elsewhere.

The anti d's have helped me a lot, they have removed the horrible desperate feeling and I have now got a grip instead of crying all the time...

It does not matter what helps you it is the fact that it does help you, that is all you need to think about. I am honest with people that I'm on the tablets.

Please do go and see your doctor, I sat there crying and shaking and she could see that I have lost three stone in two months as well. She suggested the tablets because of the state of me.

Please feel free to inbox me if you want someone to talk to

Take care

midwife99 · 10/06/2012 23:18

Skye can you see how far you've come now that you can offer advice & support to others? Smile

MomentarilyLost · 10/06/2012 23:23

Thanks midwife

I feel a bit better for just getting it out.

I am going to ring the docs tomorrow and see if I can get an appointment for next week. I can't let this drag along for much longer. Little scared about the thought of starting on AD's. But I am open to anything that may to help me through right now.

Yes I know you AF :) your support has helped tremendously, you talk so much sense, it is something I seem to have lost along the way

Thank you guys x

And I will be back.

Feel a little lighter already
:)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/06/2012 23:26

That was a bit over dramatic of me then, but I am worried for you, ML x

MomentarilyLost · 10/06/2012 23:28

No AF it was really what I needed to hear to be honest.

Thank you as well skye x

You have all given me a little boost.

OP posts:
elastamum · 10/06/2012 23:33

Hi ML, i read your thread and didnt want to run without posting. Have been there, none of this is your fault and you could never have foreseen it.

Dont be afraid to reach out for help, your GP can help, ADs are a useful way of getting you through those first few months. Counselling can also be really helpful as it goves you a safe space to rant and cry and grieve for your lost relationship.

Hang in there, it will get better, but unfortunatley we all have to ride the bad bits out till you get to the other side. I used to think of every bad day as a big wave I was surfing down and visualise myself getting up the other side, it took a while, but I finally made it out of the surf and you will too Smile

AnyFucker · 10/06/2012 23:39

check back in and tell us when your appt is x

MomentarilyLost · 10/06/2012 23:45

I had just been hoping things would have got a little easier emotionally by now instead of worse.

Thank you elastamum it helps to hear you can come out the other side, even if I don't feel that's possible right now

I will sort the appointment and check back in x

OP posts:
skyebluesapphire · 10/06/2012 23:57

I started on 10mg and the dosage has just been upped to 20mg after two weeks, once it was clear I wasnt suffering any side effects from them. I feel fine, I dont feel doped up or anything as they are non sedative, I just feel more "normal" again (whatever passes for "normal" now!!). It says they dont kick in for a fortnight, but I started to feel better within the first week. I do still have my moments where I get upset, but it is more controlled now and doesnt last very long. i can talk to people about the situation without breaking down.

It wasnt fair on my 4 yo daughter to be sat around in the state I was in. The drug that I am on is for anxiety and depression and it is certainly doing the trick. my doctor is proposing that I am on them for 3 months initially, to help me deal with the divorce etc, then we will reassess it then and see if I need them a little longer or if I can start to come off them.

Neither myself or the doctor see it as a long term thing, just a crutch to help me through a difficult time.

Let us all know how you get on.

Aussiebean · 11/06/2012 01:22

Hi ML

You are doing an amazing job. And I agree with everything everyone is say. It is not your fault he is a d**k.

As I can't suggest anything more to help you emotionally I am going to offer something practical advice.

Re your losing weight. You say you don't like the look if your body Now you have lost the weight. But I would also guess none of your clothes fit you right either. ( I have lost 7kilos and half my wardrobe makes me look like I am wearing a potatoes sack)

So when you have some time. Go shopping and buy a dress or outfit that fits you properly.

This may help, it may not but you have done wonderfully well so far. So please don't hate yourself.

MomentarilyLost · 11/06/2012 21:34

Thank you to all who posted.

I have got an appointment to see a gp tomorrow evening. It's not with who I would have like to see but I manage to avoid going to the gp who wasn't the most professional at the beginning of this mess. I had bit of a flash back and remembered how at one of the appointments he pulled up photos of his sons wedding to show us, he was saying how we didn't want to to give up on what we had together over an affair. He also had said I should keep going and not give up because my next partner could be much worse. Ha! Words fail me.

I had had a good stretch of time when I felt back on form. But this black mood has settled and I have ended up in a vicious circle and I am beating myself up because I can't shift it. I am dealing with all the woulda shoulda coulda while also dealing with stbxh crap almost daily.I don't want this to break me and I know deep down it won't. But I am feeling at a loss as to how I can shake how bad I am feeling. My confidence is at an all time low and I am doubting myself.

I am worried about how I am going to support the kids and myself financially. I feel really foolish for giving up on my career choice to stay at home with the dc.

The plan was to get back to my studies when my youngest was a little older. I had wanted to do something before but the money wasn't there.
While the dc were so young it didn't make sense financially for me to go out to work, the child care cost would have just been eaten by what I could have potentially earned. I do enjoy being at home with them but it has eaten away at my confidence to some extent. What I didn't feel at the time we were together was how my ex really holds no value in me staying at home and putting my career on the back burner. That is coming out more and more now. In his eyes I am just a sponger. He has double his earning since we got together and has set up his own business recently. I sound so full of self pity but it scares me shitless. I need a kick up the bum and just get on with with whatever I choose to do now. I am not sure what I had planned to do is going to work now I am on my own.

I can see how unhealthy and unhelpful my body issues are becoming. I do have a nice shape with clothes on, I look pretty well...good. But with giving up breastfeeding recently and loss the weight, it has taken its toll. I fed all of my children into there 2nd year (didn't ever think I would be someone to do this but it was what felt right). I have worked so hard developing a healthy body attitude for my dc, my dd especially. I feel a bit of a fraud because I am now less than happy with how I look. I have lost perspective. The thought of being naked and intimate with someone else worries me,and it is something I really crave. I was never like this with my ex, I had confidence that came from me and I am losing that. I just look at myself and feel sad and I am pissed at myself for feeling like that

OP posts:
MomentarilyLost · 11/06/2012 21:47

Oh and can someone tell me to stop being bitter. Nobber was due to see the dc tonight. I had rather foolishly thought he was being thoughtful when he text to say he would be late leaving work so he didn't want to disturb the the dc because he knew I wanted to have them settled for school in the morning. I didn't realise at the time the football was on this evening.
I nearly fell for the nice guy act. Late from work my bum

OP posts:
skyebluesapphire · 11/06/2012 21:48

Hi there, was wondering how you were doing. Glad you have managed to avoid that doctor, he sounds like a right idiot!

If the doctor can help you hopefully you will start to feel better soon. I never used to like the thought of happy pills but they have made me feel normal again and able to face life.

Don't think about being with anybody else . I have had the same thoughts but will tell you what I've been told, by the time you get through this, you will be ready to meet somebody, your confidence will be back and you will be happy again with somebody better.

One day at a time, one step at a time

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