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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So he kissed a girl....

448 replies

MomentarilyLost · 16/02/2012 16:55

I started a thread about discovering my husband sending dirty emails to women and then going on to discover he had signed up to dating sites, singles chat rooms and had a secret facebook account.

All this has been going on during office hours.

So through means I am not proud of I have had the confirmation he has been sleeping with someone for two years. Another girl has told me they met and kissed.

I feel sick.

I feel stupid I didnt see this coming.

and do you know what..? the bastard still denies it.

I dont know how I will get through these coming days?

My poor children, I can barely talk at the minute

Any advice on how to pull myself together would be greatly received

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/03/2012 17:14

well, I disagree about getting him sectioned, tbh

Mental Health Services are stretched anough without this Pretender cluttering up their units and wasting the time of the professionals

he is acting out 'cos he got caught being naughty and he doesn't want to take responsibility for it

nothing more, nothing less

disengage and ignore the behaviour....like you would a 3yo because it's coming from just about that level of development

OneHandFlapping · 09/03/2012 17:19

Am I the only one who thinks it's a shame you undid the cord round his neck?

travellingwilbury · 09/03/2012 17:21

He won't actually be sectioned I am sure , but an actual mental health proffessional will see through his play acting pretty quickly .

When is his mum back ? Has he agreed to go and stay there yet ?

He shouldn't be in your house slobbing out in front of the tv while you leave .

QuintessentialyHollow · 09/03/2012 17:22

AnyFucker, I actually think they would spot the pretense during the assessment.
When I took my mum for sectioning they were pretty thorough. I also think he would stop the pretense straight away and be normal the moment he realized where it was headed, so a good way to call his bluff.

But aside from that, I think the OP should just disengage and throw him out.

AnyFucker · 09/03/2012 17:23

TW, the stupid GP didn't although I would expect a trained MH professional to be better at sussing out the histrionics

QuintessentialyHollow · 09/03/2012 17:24

The GP that saw my mum prior to sectioning did not see through her either. She fooled him that she was pretty sane!

Luckily for us her SW pulled strings.

travellingwilbury · 09/03/2012 17:25

Exactly AF I know they have better things to do with their time but I think it would help the op to actually see how messed up he is to be playing this stupid game with her .

He needs to see his bluff has been called and to get out of the house .

AnyFucker · 09/03/2012 17:26

x posted, Quint, yes I agree

I do have a thing about wasting the resources of the NHS though, a topic close to my heart Smile

AnyFucker · 09/03/2012 17:28

I can't agree, tw (sorry, keep cross posting with people)

she can call his bluff by simply telling him to fuck off and have his breakdown somewhere else

misusing MH Services to prove a point isn't the right thing to do, IMO

AnyFucker · 09/03/2012 17:32

while MH professionals are dealing with him, and going through the protocols they have to follow (that are lengthy, time-consuming and expensive), potentially some really needy person is slipping through the net

I equate it to calling 999 for an earache, eg

QuintessentialyHollow · 09/03/2012 17:33

That is of course on the assumption that he 100% IS pulling a fast one.

travellingwilbury · 09/03/2012 17:35

In an ideal world where the op is sure of her convictions I would agree with you , I would like to think I would tell him to fuck off out my house and that would be the end of it but she doesn't sound able to do that and hearing from a proffessional that he is a lying sod rather than ill might just push her into the right direction .

AnyFucker · 09/03/2012 17:36

of course

it's just my opinion here, from what OP has said if my H pulled stunts like this I would be getting him the fuck away from me and my kids, not hanging around to get my own head fucked up by his ridiculous attention-seeking

izzyizin · 09/03/2012 17:47

I don't share the confidence in 'professionals' that is commonly expressed on this board but, nevertheless, shall we agree that anyone who pulls these kinds of stunts cannot accurately be described as being 'of sound mind'' and that it won't clog the system up too much if he's sectioned for 72 hours so that he can be observed by mental heath workers?

If you should find it necessary to call 999 in respect of your h ML, request the assistance of the police who have the power to remove your h from your home and hold him at their station until he can be seen by the doctor on duty.

If you appraise the police of his recent behaviour, tell them that you and your dc will be at risk if he is returned to your home, and give them his gp's home number (if it's outside of surgery hours), there's every reason to hope that he'll be despatched to a secure ward in a mental hospital.

Should you feel that an ambulance required, stress that you need the services of the police and an ambulance or, better still, make 2 calls or wait for the police to arrive and call on other services as required as I suspect that your h will make a miraculous recovery in the presence of paramedics who will be powerless to remove him from your home if he refuses to go.

Original poster
MomentarilyLost · 09/03/2012 18:10

Oh not a problem with the piss taking, its making me smile

Fawlty Towers is one of his favourite shows though, but the car-bashing image is good :)

Look you see this is where I struggle, He is 28 , I dont want to see his life fuck over by this. My children need their dad. He needs to man up or get the help he needs. I dont know if this is a genuine mental health issues or if he just playing games. Many things could probably be explained away by dramatics and a way to deflecting away for the real issue but who am I to know. The denial was something to behold, but then again it seems nothing new. My line all along was you arent the first person; it is ok to say it, I deserved to know, we are all human after all with flaws. But he kept on denying. It was like he was in shock. He never got angry just seemed lost.

I have never seen this side to him that I am seeing now.

But I do wonder if he has been depressed for years and struggling with low esteem. He was always a lively character and full of himself but this could all have been for show.

There was a point he seemed to have a genuine want to tell me everything, even showed me where the ow lived ( I had no intention of doing her any harm, she owed me nothing it was just curiosity and stop my imagination running wild) and was talking of how he would doing everything to search for the answers to why he did any of this.

Still cant answer why he did it or what he got from it, rl and online

I dont intend seeing him this weekend and feel a bit safer being in the company of my sisters family

OP posts:
izzyizin · 09/03/2012 18:12

When is his mama due to return?

Original poster
MomentarilyLost · 09/03/2012 18:14

tomorrow

OP posts:
izzyizin · 09/03/2012 18:17

Many people struggle with low self-esteem but they don't resort to putting cords round their neck or eating their hair when they get caught out in a lie or infidelity.

At some point you need to accept that if his life gets fucked over by this, that's down to him because his actions = his choice.

All you can do is do what you've done already which is alert his GP and keep your dc safe until he is out of your home.

oikopolis · 09/03/2012 18:43

ML i understand your struggle. you love him, you thought you knew him well, and you want the best for him despite him acting like a loon atm.

i have to say though. if he is really disturbed/depressed/whatever, he needs a) you to take decisive action to protect his children from him, and b) the intervention of professionals, according to his needs.

it won't ruin his life if you put those things in motion. if anything, it's what will save him from himself, and not in a removing-all-personal-responsibility way, but in a you-need-to-get-better-properly way.

as long as you're picking up the pieces/comforting him/being there, he's not going to get properly better (this is all assuming he is genuinely ill)

and if he isn't actually ill, the doing a) and b) remains the best course of action.

UnhappyLizzie · 09/03/2012 19:33

Feel for your awful situation OP.

There's some good advice on here. But... it's shocking that so many people here condemn the GP (with some justification) but are themselves effectively making the diagnosis that he is NOT mentally ill based on descriptions of his behaviour on a thread on MN. These people are not psychiatrists. And a psychiatrist with years of experience would never make the decision about whether your husband is ill or not based on the content of this thread.

Your dp's behaviour is erratic and unpredictable. He made a suicide attempt that was serious enough to leave marks round his neck. You want and need to protect yourself and your children.

He needs a proper psychiatric assessment. This is not a waste of NHS resources, it is what they are for. It has been suggested he 'fits the profile of a Family Annihilator'. Why would a mental health team assessing a potential family annihilator be a waste of anyone's money?

If he needs inpatient treatment he will get help he needs and you will get space. If he is ill but can be treated as an outpatient others will be involved, the burden will not be on you. If he is not ill, you can proceed on that basis. Not dissing anyone on here who has tried to help you, but be wary of the armchair diagnoses. You sound scared yourself and you are in the situation. I would get some professional help. Yes, not all professionals are brilliant but they are better than amateurs as a rule.

Good luck.

mrstiredandconfused · 10/03/2012 10:57

Thinking of you ML - hope you're doing ok

theonewiththenoisychild · 12/03/2012 12:08

I havent read every single post on this thread but is it not possible that this is just attention seeking avoidance tactics? Sounds like he knows he has done wrong and doesnt want to deal with the consequences my 4 year old dd does similar when i put her on time out (she pretends to feel sick or have a headache or belly ache) sorry if ive got it wrong havent had time to read the whole thread yet

Original poster
MomentarilyLost · 05/04/2012 22:41

Been lurking for a few days and was coming back on here earlier today to ask advice about getting over infidelity but this evening I am on here in tears asking how to strengthen my resolve and get over a moron?

Quick up date-

Stayed at sisters, got h to move out and I returned home with children.

Few nights later h then admitted to hospital, accessed and had a 3-night stay on a secure ward.

Eye opening time for h and all involved.

Let him come home and his care continued as an outpatient with home treatment team.

Things were going seemingly well and he really did seem a changed man. He seemed prepared to put the legwork into looking into himself and the mess he created.

I felt hopeful.

This evening I have discovered he has been in the pub all day, while texting me pretending to be at work. Even telling me he was in the car and couldnt talk because the police were behind him, none of which were true I now know.

I feel a fool all over for being pulled in.

I feel like I am back to square one when I had started to feel human again.

Read over thread and Blush at my typing mistake and crap spelling, bit flaky like that sure there will be more!

Thank you so much to all who responded last time I was on here. I cant tell you how much it helped.

Bit brief and lacking detail but I am a mess yet again.

So so lost

OP posts:
Original poster
MomentarilyLost · 05/04/2012 22:56

I am a mess and shacking yet again.

Its like d day all over.

There seems so many strong people on here and I just seem so stupid and lacking I comparison.

Self pity or what

OP posts:
RoxyRobin · 05/04/2012 23:05

Didn't see your thread when you first posted but have just had a quick run through. You've really been through the mill. It's no wonder you are in a mess after the setback you've just had. Dashed hopes are so disheartening. I'm sure some of your original supporters will be along to advise you. So sorry for your suffering - hope things get better. xx