So he kissed a girl....

[MomentarilyLost]

I started a thread about discovering my husband sending dirty emails to women and then going on to discover he had signed up to dating sites, singles chat rooms and had a secret facebook account.

All this has been going on during office hours.

So through means I am not proud of I have had the confirmation he has been sleeping with someone for two years. Another girl has told me they met and kissed.

I feel sick.

I feel stupid I didnt see this coming.

and do you know what..? the bastard still denies it.

I dont know how I will get through these coming days?

My poor children, I can barely talk at the minute

Any advice on how to pull myself together would be greatly received

I am so sorry you are experiencing this :( it is awful, shocking, heartbreaking - I am 7 weeks from D-Day (when I found out about the affair) but I am still here, surviving. You will be ok, and so will your kids. Talk as much as you need to, MN has been an incredible source of advice and support for me so far xx PM me anytime you need to vent

How are you doing today ML ?

I want to say thank you to anyone who took there time to respond to me last time I posted, need a bit of an outlet right now

Feel like I am running on complete empty

6 weeks from finding the shitty emails

Then lots of digging to discover while at work h was using chatrooms and chatting through msn and had a secret facebook account.
Weeks of denial, a new discovery almost daily

This was really out of the blue

H was on a path of self-destruction and denying anything was going on still

He went on to be diagnosed with depression and anxiety with communication issues put on anti depressants.

Refused to believe what I was told . I played my cards to my chest, knowing the only way to find anything was to dig and leave no room to hide. As five said when I last posted it was just a temporary measure. When you are hit with constant denials you have no choice but to be devious to get answers. Tried to ignoring the drinking and self-destruction as best I could. Trying to protect the children and keep it together

Its a little over 2 weeks from when I finally got him to confess, he had no choice had details from ow and I was going to meet her, still trying to deny until the bitter end. I told him neither he nor I will crumble into a pile of dust if he says the words he has had sex with someone else and he said it. Felt relief. Just needed to hear it.

He then starts to be completely open, giving me even the goriest of details I asked for.
Tells me he wants our marriage to survive, understands it is not his choice but will do all he can to make it right and work at why he allowed it to happen. He loves me feel he such a fool cant answer to himself why he did any of this and is utterly ashamed of what he has caused. Never once put the blame on me, says it something wrong with him. . I have said to look for the answers regardless of what becomes of our relationship. I could understand maybe if things had been utterly shit in our relationship, but they hadnt been.
I have said all along I am willing to listen but wont committing to staying.

Didnt think things could get any worse, then came Wednesday night and I found him our kitchen with a cord wrapped round his neck and purple, managed to free him. Call family who live near. They arrive. He refused to go see anyone. His Brother came round, to which h says he had a bad day and he is tired and is going to bed he has work in the morning. Call hospital and they explain they cant do anything unless he comes in himself?! Dont have much choice at that point so eventually we let him to bed .Bil stayed the night

Manage to get him to agree to go to gp first thing, doctors says it was a cry for help and we are going to work through this together. Apparently women are strong and because of the affair I answer to no one, I am guilt free where as h on the other hand is answering to everyone now and is internalising everything, and he needs to know I will support him!? We saw him again that evening and again Friday evening. On a whole the doctor has been insightful and a help. He said what ever I am gong through be assured what my h is going through is far far worse. Fuck off! To exhausted to argue at that point. Also worried about what he really though of h mental health.

Had an utterly shit weekend and I was unable to function even at a basic level and at times felt paralysed.

I am so scared to make the wrong move

I feel I cant give myself to anyone and its making me feel even worse how lame I have become around the kids.
I think I need some perspective, I am just so sick of this and I want to get over myself.

Doctor called me Monday morning and ask me to come in on my own, he really addressed my struggle., I explained I wasnt in the right place to decide I could work through this. I asked how serious Wednesdays event had to be taken and he told me to tread carefully right now, as I didnt need that on my conscious. But he is going to keep a close watch and made an appointment for h to go alone today and both back on Thursday

I am an idiot to even consider working this through arent I?

I just cant get my head round how crazy this has all got

I need the fire in my belly back

I havent as yet been really angry, is that normal? I feel sad hurt and lost

I have been on a state of high alert for so long and oddly calm at the same time through a lot of it

I am exhausted and want to focus on something else

Any advice, experience, strategies to get through this most needed

.

Wow! No idea what to say! Just so sorry you are going through this.

Initial thought is fuck what the doctor says. Your H brought this on himself by dipping his cock into another woman. He didn't struggle or feel bad then or for weeks afterwards. Only when he could no longer deny it and make out you were an idiot. All he is doing is feeling guilty and worried about what he has lost. That doesn't show much care or concern for you at all. Just him.

You don't have to make any decisions now and don't let yourself be pressurised into making any. Take all the time you want and need for yourself.

Look after yourself first. If you have anything left for your H after yourself and any children and you want to support him, so be it. Don't be forced to be untrue to yourself first and foremost though.

To say yes you will try and then change your mind in 3/6/12 months your H may pull this stunt any time he feels like it. You can't live your life held to ransom about what he may do.

Not easy or very useful sorry

Good luck.

agree with Xales, the GP sounds like he has no clue what he is talking about. Your H's decisions have nothing to do with you.

i highly doubt your H will actually kill himself, btw. my instinct is that H wants you to have sympathy with him, focus on him and his needs, rather than think about the shitty shitty things he has done to you. so now he's turning on the crazy tap.

v convenient.

please seek help and support for yourself. if your H threatens suicide, call 999. if he's in danger of hurting himself, he needs sectioning -- not TLC from the wife he betrayed in the most revolting way.

I told the doctor last week while we were both there I would not be held to ransom (although that night I knew nothing of what he was going to do, has said nothing to indicate that he had thoughts to do that and we had been talking things through). But yesterday he worried me when he said I wouldnt want his death on my conscious.

I just dont know what to do anymore

No wonder you don't know what to do. Your husband sounds like a complete cock.

Im sorry but if your h chooses to end his life thats his choice!

you need to make a decision for whats best for YOU and YOU alone.

Im not normally this harsh but I hate emotional blackmail of any kind and this is what I am reading here, I could be totally wrong but there you go

My heart goes out to you X

Honestly, that GP should know better than to say that to you. He's a fucking idiot to say that, in fact. As if any adult's suicide should be on anyone's conscience! if your H was 11, it would be different. But this is a grown man!

(is this GP older? i suspect that the GP's own sexist ideas about how "poor little men" need to be taken care of by their wives may be in play here, frankly)

Honestly OP, I know you are confused and scared, I get that. But if your H is making attempts at his own life, you need to be calling 999 and getting proper psychiatric intervention for him. If he is actually intent on killing himself, nothing you do or don't do could help. He needs to be restrained, put on a suicide watch, and medicated if he is suicidal.

What else would the GP have you do?
Forgive H and pretend he hasn't fucked around on you for years at a stretch?
Keep quiet, don't rock the boat, "be nice"?
if that's the cure, i'm not sure the disease is anything else but your H being a colossally selfish knobber. not a suicidal depressive...

(not to say that only older people can be sexist in these situations. i just can't see how a GP trained in, say, the last ten years would think something like that was appropriate to say to the partner of a knobber.)

So sorry you've had a traumatic time.

How fucking dare the Dr say that his death would have been on your conscious!!! Your H chose to check out of the marriage, shag OW and to try and kill himself (I agree this is a cry for help and probably emotional blackmail - you would be surprised at how many cheaters threaten to kill themselves). No way should you be held to ransom - its no life to live.

You must feel drained and exhausted - you need time and space to process everything and to make a decision about what you want to do.

I think the GP should refer and pay for some counselling for you, since he doesnt have any better views about how to support you through this, whilst you make your decision about the future.

You poor thing.

Ps they do have a budget for this.

Really sorry to read about what you are going through. No real advice, but I think the GP is out of order and being completely unprofessional. Anything your H is 'going through' is completely of his own doing. I wouldn't see that GP again tbh.

Lots of good advice on here so keep posting.

This is shocking emotional manipulation and the Doctor is wrong for suggesting that if anything happens, it will be on your conscience.

Some concrete advice: you CANNOT fix him. It is also expecting too much of someone who has been harmed beyond imagination by someone's behaviour, to become his carer and nursemaid when he wallows in the fall-out. I am VERY sceptical about how genuine this suicide bid was, because it wasn't a coincidence that he did it in the kitchen.....where of course you would find him. What's shocking and nasty is that your DCs could have found him.

So I would turn him over to the care of his family and explain that you can't do this right now. You aren't the best person to care for him and so it's not being selfish or heartless. He created this problem and it's not your job to rescue him from the fall-out.

I'd advise some space from him now and focus entirely on yourself and the children. As MAHC says, this is a depressingly common script in cheaters when all the chickens come home to roost. These 'breakdowns' are often nothing more than self-indulgent displays of self-pity and some justifiable self-loathing.

If he tugs at your heart-strings, you need to get away from him. If he is also in this state (pretend or otherwise) then he really needs to be out of view of the children, so when you ask his family to step in, explain that at least some of this is in the children's interests.

Oh OP I feel for you As for the "Old Chestnut" line "I'll kill myself" my ex said that and I handed him a belt, told him not to make a mess on the carpet, walked out the door and went to a friends. That was 12 years ago. the twatHe's still alive today

the twat

Wow ok good told you I needed some perspective and I may just be getting it from here.

GP is older male yes, somethings he has said I agree with, but others were utterly ridiculous at one point he told me to think of my h as a naughty school boy, I did said I dont thinks so. Its so hard right now my judgment is off and I am feeling so drained; I feel I need my fight back. He did start to go down the track of telling me that sometimes this can happen in relationships when a partner needs are not met, a which point I shot him down and explained that in fact h had struggled with a low sex drive through most of our relationship (I know I know maybe his need we always being met else where I real don?t think this is the case and he met ow 10 times over 2 years, so he wasnt getting it everyday) I in fact had got the cold shoulder for years, I love sex for sex sake, I love sex to relax and de-stress, for many reasons, and I had been frustrated for years. So if anyone had the right to look elsewhere it would have been me, but I didnt because that is not how an adult behaves in a committed relationship and I could not indulge is such self behaviour when the ramifications for others would be so far spread. He then said we are dealing with something else. Er yes I think so

h appointment today... apparently he was told I am an oak tree and he is a climber?

Just don?t know!!!!

I will look over everyones responses and hopefully reply in more detail later

Thank you

Your doctor sounds like he is going senile or something. Oak trees and climbers ffs.

More like your H is a parasitic plant strangling you!

Good luck.

What's the betting your GP has had an affair in the past!! Sorry, he sounds utterly full of crap. How can his decision to try/pretend to commit suicide be in any way your fault! Presumably your H's suicide attempt was because he couldn't deal with HIS OWN behaviour. You have done nothing, NOTHING, to reproach yourself about. I think you need to remember that. I would be asking that GP to keep his mouth firmly closed until further notice.

Your GP is worse than useless...he's actually dangerous. Please, I implore you, don't listen to any more of his crap.

Your husband is a liar and a manipulator.

I agree the GP is probably a cheater as he is trotting out the usual crap excuses for cheating - very unprofessional as he is not even a trained counsellor FFS.

Yep another one saying your GP is an old school cheating buzzard! Ask to be referred now and state why, don't go and see him ever again. The bloody old twonk is enabling him.

Ok I will bin that GP. He was saying we could look on him as a counsellor but has broken many rules already. Like I said my judgment is way off right now

I just need to get some unbiased insight

At the moment h cant go to stay with anyone. I dont know what to do about that really for now.

Family on both sides have been told and on a whole the support has been great but I am struggling with the added pressure of so many opinions. Really I just need sometime on my own. My sisters have been great but I feel bad calling on them to much as they have their own lives to lead.

I just need to get some unbiased insight

It is still so unbelievable that the man I loved did this to our family.

I must sound such an idiot.

Having a rough time with all 3 children starting with a tummy bug over the passed few days, on a good day that is tough going to deal with but with how I am feeling right now.. I just feel like I am failing on so many levels.

You poor thing, OP. How awful. Especially tough with ill children.

By the sounds of it your GP has done a basic counselling course and thinks he's qualified to counsel now. This is WAY beyond his abilities. You need a referral to a proper counsellor.

'Cry for help'? By the time you've absorbed the collective wisdom of this board, he'll have cause to cry for help - and it won't be forthcoming from you, my love.

If you should find him with a cord around his neck again, leave him there and go call 999 - my money will be on him breathing normally by the time the ambulance arrives and, if not, his choice, his blame, and on his head be it.

However, you have dc to consider. Their welfare and wellbeing is paramount and the effect on any/all of them if they were to find their father playacting at killing himself or dead by his own hand doesn't bear thinking about.

For this reason alone, your h has to leave marital home today. If there are no friends/relatives he can stay with, he'll have to find a room somewhere/anywhere or check into a cheap travelodge or B&B - or perhaps your useless 'understanding' GP can provide accomodation for him?

If your h continues to claim that he is suicidal, tell him to present himself at your nearest casualty or mental hospital and ask for a pyschiatric evaluation. With luck, they may be fooled too section him and you will be able to make it clear that his return to the marital home on discharge is not an option.

When you have kicked him into orbit got him out of your house, you will have the essential time and space you need to give full consideration to your options.

Don't be taken in by the ham acting amateur dramatics - now that he's been unmasked and revealed to be a deceitful, deceiving, lying, twunt of an adulterer, your h is only sorry for himself.

You are NOT failing, honey. Your h has failed you and now he must reap the consquences of his own actions.