So he kissed a girl....

[MomentarilyLost]

I started a thread about discovering my husband sending dirty emails to women and then going on to discover he had signed up to dating sites, singles chat rooms and had a secret facebook account.

All this has been going on during office hours.

So through means I am not proud of I have had the confirmation he has been sleeping with someone for two years. Another girl has told me they met and kissed.

I feel sick.

I feel stupid I didnt see this coming.

and do you know what..? the bastard still denies it.

I dont know how I will get through these coming days?

My poor children, I can barely talk at the minute

Any advice on how to pull myself together would be greatly received

Sod it, just lost my post in the ether.

The NHS can and does pay for free counselling via GPs.

It depends on the area, and on the funding priorities of the paying Primary Care Trust.

The waiting list varies by area, and some practices use criteria against which to prioritise the list.

I think you should stress your fears of the dangers he is in, and make it clear to him that you do not see it as reasonable to take responsibility, fundamentally, for his decisions. And that you would like some urgent and professional counselling of your own to deal with the double whammy you have been faced with, whilst having to look after the children.

The split in personality which allowed him to do these things is the same split he is now using to deny to himself the reality that this will not go away, and that it will all come out.

Omfg ML - just caught up

I'm nowhere near as experienced as many of these lovely MNers but fwiw I think it all sounds a bit suspicious at least. I mean, cord around his neck at the weekend and now he's chirpy? I've been in "that hopeless place" (i won't bore you with the details) but there ain't no fucking way i'd ever have managed to even put on a chirpy front within a week - in fact I think I only managed it after 6 months on a max dose of citalopram.

I'm sorry to say that I think you need to keep your strength up and be on your guard for a little while longer. I agree with AF - she knows what she's talking about and you need to keep aware, prepared and safe.

Re your gp - he sounds dangerous. There tends to be a huge lack of awareness of mental health issues in primary care (overall - although I do know of several GPs who are excellent in this area) and unfortunately I have personal experience of this (sister sought help from GP, being bullied at school, GP told her that it wasn't a big deal. 2 weeks later I found her on the floor having OD'd - she was 15 at the time and thankfully was fine)

I'm telling you this because GPs are not, on the whole, specialists. And it sounds Luke your GP is awful. To state that your h is like a naughty schoolboy is abhorrent, and he has no right to change appts round if someone has booked with a specific doctor.

If you can't manage/ don't have the energy to have it out with the GP then it would be worth speaking to the practice manager and have it on record that you at least don't want this man to have anything to do with this aspect of your care.

I'm so sorry that this is all I can offer - I wish I could just bundle you and your dc up in a blanket and drop you off in a warm sunny place away from all the madness and hurt

Sorry to drop that bombshell on you, and then disappear. I have been at work all day today

I am also sorry it was such a shock to hear. I am trying to get you to realise that this man is fucked up and you cannot help him. He has the most massive sense of his own ego and self entitlement

He seems unable to take responsibilty for his own actions, and when you try to make him do it, he pulls stunts like a faked suicide bid. Utterly chilling.

A couple of days later, when he realises he has been totally successful in manipulating the professionals into taking his side against you in his campaign to make you STFU about his bad behaviour, he is chipper and smug as fuck

My advice to you is to seek individual counselling for yourself to help you cope with what must have been the most almighty shock. You need some support in building the defences to resist his highly manipulative behaviour.

I would also advise you to make him leave. Then, under his own steam, he seeks help to understand why he feels entitled to act this way, and find out the extent of how much is real mental illness and how much is highly-charged dummy-spitting attempts to control you

That is up to him though. You must not enable that. he must do it for himself. if you push him, he will blame you and it will not be helpful. If you put the ball back into his court, you will get information about how much he really wants to repair himself and ultimately your relationship, and how much is simply posturing and attention-seeking.

While he does this, contact with you must be confined only to arrangements about the dc. You must not engage with attempts to manipulate you. I would suggest a time limit on him seeking proper professional help.

I do not recommend you go for Relate or other forms of relationship counselling. There was nothing wrong with your "relationship", but there is something "wrong" with him.

Ok so this is the texts I am now getting from h

H Im am such a bad person you are right in thinking that and you are right in thinking I cant change ( I have never said either)

Me why say that?

H I have let you down again, I am in the pub. I am sorry

Me ok well I need to go to the gp, I will go alone, can you get back

HI im so sorry im not what you wanted or needed or thought I was

Me I never said you cant change

H I am a waste of time and space

H I cant do anything, husband dad work

H iam selfish,angry,annoying,irresponsible,useless twat you think I am

In tears, what the hell has happened to my life???

It's all about him, isn't it ?

I I I

has he asked you how you feel ?

OP please ignore his texts, don't reply to him. Really. He is trying desperately to get you to tell him he is lovely and wonderful and "he just made a mistake he's not a bad person" etc. etc. etc.

Please. Just don't engage with this headfuckery.

Ignore, go to GP, carry on as normal.

Please make sure your children are safe. have you seen a solicitor? He needs to get out of your family home sharpish. He sounds destructive and dangerous. Listen to AF...

IGNORE! Geez they really do all come out with the same bull don't they. He is trying to make you pity him. What a loser. He would be out on the street trying to hang himself if he was my h.

I am ignoring

latest one - im hoping you got to the the doctors. tell him he is useless from me. I cant fix anything

Exactly what oikupolis has said.

Are you going to see the doctor? If so, keep on message and make sure that your concerns are written up in his notes.

In view of the latest violin tune texts tell the quack that, after he attempted to kill himself, he appeared to be on a non-chemically induced high, and has is now on another downer.

It'll go down as evidence of his mental instability but, of course, we know that the only condition he's suffering from is egoitis.

Ah I see we're on to the 'sackcloth and ashes' part of the script now?

This is a well-known ruse to deflect any attempt to actually do anything to confront his own behaviour and instead the intention is to garner the maximum sympathy and reassurances that no, he can change, he isn't evil, he is a good person deep down etc. etc.

Don't play that role!

It's truly best to disengage from him and let him get on with it. Don't fan the flames of this narcissistic behaviour. Ignore him.

When he tires of this entirely false self-flagellation and he fails to get an audience for it, he will get nasty and self-justifying. That will be yet another attempt to deflect the responsibility for his own behaviour.

It would have been better if you hadn't responded to him at all, but if you can't help yourself, affect a sybil fawlty stance and agree with everything he says. Yes he is hopeless, no he can't change. Keep saying "I know" when he insults himself.

But better not to give him any airspace at all - and no houseroom.

oh, I bloody love Sybil Fawlty

op how did it go at Drs. Was there a mark around dh neck if so he should have been referred to crisis team, I woul dthink he should be referred onto either counselling or if more serious psychiatrist. For your self you can ask for a referral on NHS, relate costs, MIND may help if not.

Had a mad dash to see the gp alone, think it was a good thing the texting started (and continued, I didnt responded, used to him sending long winded emails similar, I hadnt been giving them too much head space) because it meant I was railed up, rather than my usual calm and collected "oak tree" self.

Went for it. Explained that I thought it was so wrong to have over looked last weeks attempt on his life (yes there were bad marks around his neck which the doctor saw) and so very wrong to be told that I wouldnt want any futher attempts on my conscience, after all I can not control his thoughts.I told him I had to check out from this situation totally and I didnt feel comfortable having him around myself or the children, he needs to be assessed properly. said about the texts and his flip flop moods. He talked about sectioning but he was worry about how he would react to that. He said how he seemed fine when they last spoke. Talked of crisis team. Got me to text my h and ask if he would talked to him, h's reply-'I dont want to talk to anyone. I have enough trouble answering to myself'. Everything was put on his notes. Said to call 999 if anything should occur. Gave me his home number, should need it.

Walking back to get the children I saw him in a local pub, couldnt help myself and went in. I sat down, it was like he was in a trance, jumped out of his skin when he realised I was there then went back to a crossword he was doing. He was stuck on some clues and then went into a rant about how everyone else in the world would know the answer ?what was wrong with him? he kept repeating himself. His behaviour was so bazaar and he was pulling his hair out and eating it? He said he knew what he was meant to do and where he was meant to go this evening but couldnt. He said he must be an alcoholic. Finished his (4th)drink got up and left, I didnt follow just headed to get the children. I am done

Went with bil to check the situation at home. he was there had walked the dog and was laid up on the sofa. So I grab some gear and stayed at my sisters. I cant do this anymore.

My life is unrecognisable. I dont recognise this man he has become. I feel out of my depth.
I have no plan; all I know is things cant carry on like this

I find it significant that, following the 'bizarre' behaviour that your 'h' exhibited in the pub, he went home and walked the dog before slobbing out lying on the sofa, and this leads me to suspect that your h is exhibiting gross attention seeking behaviour rather than manifesting signs of genuine mental illness.

Nevertheless, you and your dc cannot continue to live with a man who is displaying this level of unpredictable behaviour and, if he is not willing to go and stay with his dm, please do not have any qualms about resorting to having him sectioned to get him out of your home.

You did very well indeed with the doctor last night - don't hesitate to ring his home number in the middle of the night if necessary and let the 'crisis team' and other professionals worry about how your h will react to being sectioned.

Is there absolutely nowhere he can stay until his dm returns? When is she due back?

I would advise you to give the doctor a call today/this evening to appraise him of your dh's 'bizarre' behaviour last night and, in particular, the fact that he pulled clumps/strands of his hair out and appeared to eat it.

Should you forget any details, this thread will serve as a record of events but keep a log of his behaviour handy to remind you should it be necessary for mental health/other medics to attend him at your home.

and to add to his unsuitability to have the children unsupervised.

What a big old load of high cheese drama he is putting on for you......

I am so sorry, ML

this all must be fucking with your head terribly

all because he got caught

his "mental health" was perfectly good before this, wasn't it ?

diddums

eating his hair?
do me a favour

you poor thing OP, he is being just so utterly ridiculous and manipulative. i can just imagine how "done" you are. What a horrible disappointment of a man he is.

i hope everything is OK at your sister's and you get a bit of TLC. and i hope the kids are coping.

really glad to hear you gave the GP a piece of your mind. i want to say he should be struck off for the way he's handled this situation, but i suppose GPs do stupider things regularly

You know, if this man wasn't causing so much pain and distress to the innocent people in his life, I'd be tempted to laugh at him for his desperate and pathetic attempts to prove that he has lost it. He's obviously read a book or seen a film where people with mental health issues started chewing their hair but seeing as he was compus mentus enough to go into a pub (conveniently one that you would pass - did he sit by the window perchance?) order drinks (even though he's on ADs) get himself home and had the appetite to watch telly, I don't think he followed the plot closely enough, do you?

You did brilliantly with the GP OP. Detach and disengage.

one does have to wonder what stunt he has picked up from "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" he is going to stage next...

I rang and informed the GP of the hair pulling and other odd behaviour I saw (the stammering was bad, lost of staring into space with scary eyes).

I cant believe this is the man I used to laugh and dance with, my heart would skip a beat when I saw him.

The man who held our son to his naked sick before I got to see him, I know I must hold a romantic version in my head of a man he never was.

So yes this is fucking with my head

Continuing the Fawlty Towers theme, he'll be beating the car with tree branches next and shouting at it......

OP I hope you don't mind us taking the piss out of him and that you know we are in your corner.

I would get in touch with the gp now and hand it over to the crisis team , see if he can keep up his idea of somone with very ill mental health while sectioned .

He has been caught having an affair (or two)
Her has been caught treating you with contempt

He deals with this by pretending to be ill rather than sorting his life out .

How does he normally deal with a family problem ?
Or do you always sort them out for him ? (That isn't a dig to you btw , just doesn't sound like he can cope being seen as the one in the wrong at all .

Well, the fact that he is choosing to act like this, to detract attention from the issues of his own infidelities, would be a big red flag that there really are some mental health issues, and I would consider sectioning, to be honest.

If this is the road he is going down, then he needs a big push in the right direction op. I understand it is hard. But whether he is doing this intentionally or not, getting him sectioned is solving a problem for you right now, am I right?
And if it turns out that he really IS unwell, it is also solving a problem for you.

It is tough shit though.

erm, I mean then it is also solving a problem for him.