So he kissed a girl....

[MomentarilyLost]

I started a thread about discovering my husband sending dirty emails to women and then going on to discover he had signed up to dating sites, singles chat rooms and had a secret facebook account.

All this has been going on during office hours.

So through means I am not proud of I have had the confirmation he has been sleeping with someone for two years. Another girl has told me they met and kissed.

I feel sick.

I feel stupid I didnt see this coming.

and do you know what..? the bastard still denies it.

I dont know how I will get through these coming days?

My poor children, I can barely talk at the minute

Any advice on how to pull myself together would be greatly received

I agree with Izzy. I would call his bloody bluff and explain that he can't be around children when he is this unpredictable and ill. Whether he is genuinely ill or fond of amateur dramatics to garner sympathy, this man is a liability and will cause untold harm to his children. He really needs to go. Where is not your problem because having trashed your marriage, emotionally if not on paper his next of kin has now reverted to his family of origin. In fairness to him too, his care needs to be undertaken by people who haven't been personally affected and diminished by his cruel and selfish behaviour. You are not the best person to do this and he certainly shouldn't be around your children.

I hear what has been said about calling 999 and that is what I shall do if I was ever to witness that again. It was madness that night, I was in shock and didnt know what to do for the best. I have no intention in playing stupid games I have explained that to him and in front of the gp. At the appointment he didnt really address what h had done that night, just focused on the affair. Then at my appointment dropped the lovely line about it being on my concision, oh and also I wouldnt want to have to explain that to children. Anyway I will change gp. My head was in the clouds last week. So much shit in my head. I just didnt know what to think. Not normally so passive. I know that when my h parents announced they were splitting while he was a teenager he did some very worrying things. So that does make me worry about his state of mind and how serious he was. Back at doctors tomorrow and will asked for available help and referral.

I am not looking to fix him, I am fully aware that I cannot do that. He has said he wants to sort himself out and had looked to be doing so. His mood has done a turn around, I dont know if it is because the anti depressants have really started to kick in or what is at play.

I wish it were as simple as sending him off to a B&B but the money is just not there. Mil is away at the moment but hopefully she will be able to take him in next week.

Wanted to think clearer and coming on here has already helped me do so, thank you so much for your replies

His mood has turned around because he's got what he wanted from acting out his little drama, namely, a lot of attention from you and others and he's kept his feet under the table.

Is he aware that you're planning to send him back to his dm?

It has been discussed yes Izzy

I just wish I felt I could just walk away for good, I am 31 have 3 beautiful children I dont need this shit I really dont.

I know I dont deserve any of this and I know he doesnt deserve my wonderful self

Why is it so hard?

What is wrong with me?

I doubt there's anything wrong with you that can't be fixed, honey.

I reckon some of us are hardwired to 'care' and some are hardwired not to give a fuck about anyone else except themselves.

You know that you and your dc deserve better than this shit, so what is stopping you making him walk away from your marital home for good?

Because I want to look at all the options before I go all out.

Because it would mean that the children would have to move from there home, I couldnt afford to keep it alone. Not ready to do that to them. Because I want to do things at my pace, I am only playing catch up and it needs to sink in.

I want space but I have to be honest I am not ready to make anything permanent yet.

Maybe its because I still care enough to hear him out, I deserve to know how the hell he allowed himself to get into such a fucking mess. The sad thing is it has taken him till now to question this.

This is not the man I knew and I thought I knew him well.

I want to know why!

Because its not that simple

I do sound very weak i know

Not sure when he was 'diagnosed' with depression (I use the word carefully as GP sounds like a tit and I should know, I'm married to one! Who I know for a fact would never say anything like this!

ADs take about a month to work, so if it's much less than that I'd be a bit about his change of mood.

I've suffered bad depression and if someone wants to die, they will. I'm still about my parasuicide attempt because it was sheer attention seeking, many years ago.

Not too sure if your bloke needs a psychiatrist or a kick up the arse, but you and the children need to be away while he figures it out (or he needs to be away) without using childish tactics to get your sympathy.

Oh and if you have the energy, complain officially to the practice about the GP. someone like that gives them all a bad name!

I would say your GP needs to refer himself for some counselling, and also some re training

Now love, you say you can't think clearly about what you want

I would say that is because you are living in the presence of this inadequate, manipulative and pathetic loser. Get his stupid mug out of your face, and the mists will start to clear, I guarantee that

I would throw my H out of the house for this, if I hadn't already for the lies and disrespect of you

how dare he stage this "cry for help" in the kitchen for you to find him, and possibly the dc

I say he isn't fit to be around his family, and he should go and seek treatment for his mental health away from the rest of you

absolutely pathetic and I would bet my house he wouldn't actually be successful in topping himself, that would be far too considerate of him

and at the risk of sounding completely heartless, you can make your face go "purple" quite easily

Good post weegiemum

OP you need to be away from this man until he "finds" himself. AD's take a while to kick in, he is probably thriving on all the attention he is getting which is deflecting away from the original problem.

yeah, utterly brilliant smokescreen he has going on here

weegiemum he saw a different gp and got that diagnosis. Has been seeing someone else for counselling, seen then twice now.

He has been on the ADs for just over 4 weeks and they have just upped his dose last week.

Got back here tonight and he is a different man altogether, I havent seen him like this for years, his mood is so up beat. Its freaking me out a little I have to say.

I am just leaving him to it, while I fucking breath a little upstairs

he's upbeat because he has you back in line, dancing to his tune

he's quite chilling isn't he ?

he certainly scares the shit out of me, and i don't frighten easily

Oh believe me it hasnt diverted my attention for what has done and why we are here. And he has not had added attention from me because of this attempt, other than the bollocking he got from both myself and his brother about how dare he do this in our home where of course the children could have found him. It has been said.

But I do say I am wary ok, because it is scary shit

I do know of said 'script' and that is why I have tried to ignore, but its the slight possibility it is something else that is still a worry and also with the Ads there is the added factor of suicidal thoughts while getting into the system

I shall not be pandering to him

I have not been pandering to him

This is all new territory for me and I am feeling my way a little though

I can see you are feeling your way

while you hide upstairs to get a bit of space from the atmosphere he has created in your home

why haven't you told him to leave ?

he isn't fit to live with his children

Not sure of your DC's age, but their heads would be completely fucked should they have walked in on him playing at suicide. Their little lives changed forever because of him.

As someone said upthread, if he really wanted out, he'd manage it. Without the dramatics, without the manipulation. This man knows exactly what he's doing. He's whitewashing his filthy behaviour by blackmailing you into pitying him.

It is chilling. Work through your shock quickly and start getting angry again. You cannot save this man and he wants you to, at any cost.

I hear you AF, believe me I do

Very cutting but ture, not sure my little wobbly heart is up to hearing it but i am listening

I am not hiding, its not my style but I am done, I am spent and I need time alone. Yes I need this time because of what he has done, but I need it none the less so I am taking advantage

Your H had an affair, his choice

Conviently attempted suicide after you found out and basically was face with the consequences of his actions.

Your GP is a moron, what you are going through is a lot worse it really is,

I really hope you don't let him back in your life.

your wobbly heart is spinning out of control because of him

not because of me

you can bring it back to stability by getting out from under his oppressive presence

he is oppressing you, OP, by the force of his will

where is your will?

squashed under his, that is where

it is still squeaking in protest though...and I hear it

I agree with AF - your husband's suicide attempt was nothing more than an elaborate performance, staged for you, in order to deflect from his wrong doing and provoke your sympathy.
He's pathetic.

To add - his mood is upbeat, because he thinks it has done the job of having you where he wants you, rather nicely.
He is pleased with himself.

a man that would stage something like this would do anything

I don't want to frighten you, OP, nor scaremonger

but he sounds like the profile of a Family Annihilator

he is content to have his mental health permanently under qustion to deflect from taking the consequences of what is actually relatively common

man cheats on wife

I am sorry, but it's not exactly unheard of is it ? Why does he think he is so special, so fucking tortured by his own actions ? His sense of himself is very, very inflated, isn't it ?

if you left him and took the children, what do you think he might be capable of ?

AF ? fucking hell at the Family Annihilator, never heard of it and just looked it up, I dont know what else to say other than fucking hell! Can I ask how you know so much about this and this kind of situation? I am new to this forum and new to any of the crap going on in my world right now. That has scared to shit out of me

Look I dont know what he would if we actually left, my gut says crumble, but thats not for me to worry about. he has said he will leave, but that hurdle is still to come.

Have an appointment tonight with gp, yes with this odd ball, he took over the appointment that h had with other gp who was counselling him and I will be addressing how inappropriate he has been and changing to a different GP.

Ok,so could anyone give me some advice on what I should be asking for? I need to know what would be available for myself in the way of counselling, Five had said up thread that you can get a referral to relate is that true? Money is tight so anything private is not really an option. But I need to talk to someone.

Ok so for my h, what should I be questioning/ insisting on. I guess he needs psychiatric assessment? I really dont have much knowledge of mental health. Really could do with some advice

Thank you again to everyone who has taken their time to reply

Bump I also wanted to say I feel my strength on the return; I owe a dept of gratitude to anyone who as responded to me

Okay, so we know that his 'cry for help' was nothing more than a cynical attempt to avoid taking responsibiity for his actions, but by draping a cord round his neck and holding his breath periodically until you appeared, he's shot himself in the foot.

When you talk about his mental health with the GP, say that he didn't 'cry for help'; he tried to kill himself and if you hadn't happened to have gone into the room at that precise moment, your appointment tonight would be for the purpose of collecting his death certificate.

Say that you fear for his mental health as it seems to be in a precarious state and it is your belief that he needs urgent pyschiatric treatment as an inpatient.

Explain to the stupid twat doctor that if you hadn't intervened, it may have been that one or all of your dc would have discovered the dying or dead body of their df and that they are at risk of severe emotional harm due to his mentally unstable behaviour.

You are best to keep on-message and don't allow yourself to be diverted should the quack come up with more half-baked theories about the role of the little woman to be a mental health nurse to her afflicted spouse and take full responsibility if she's unable to police him 24 hours a day, or some such crap.

If the quack runs true to form and spouts more garbage just keep reiterating the above and - in particular - ask him to note in your h's records that you have expressed serious concern for the state of his mental health to the extent that you fear he will take his own life if he doesn't get treatment - INSIST that this gets written in your h's notes.

As for yourself, forget about Relate - at the present time this is not about your relationship with your h as much as your relationship with yourself. Ask the GP to refer you for NHS counselling which is free.

Unfortunately, there's usually a long waiting list and it may be some months before you get an appointment for assessment. In the meantime, continue to ask any questions here as the collective wisdom of this board will provide the answers you seek and will, no doubt, also answer questions that you haven't yet thought of.

When your world is filled with crap, look for the straight unpolluted path that will get you away from the stench.

In your case, the path is one of firm resolve to take no nonsense from your h or from misguided and ill-formed professionals and get him out of the house so that you can have time and space to process the recent traumatic events you've gone through, quiet your mind, and give consideration to how you want your life to be.