Husband going AWOL

[ladybird69]

Hi Newbie here, I just need some advice :-( going through a bad patch and husband of 26 yrs keeps going away to get his head together! BUT he takes no clothes with him or brings any back, plus now he doesnt even take his shaver etc!!!! what do you think? i know what my gut feelings are but should i give him the benefit of the doubt as per usual? thanks

Just caught up. I think 2012 is the year you're going to blossom, Ladybird

It sounds like it's been going on for longer than that. You said he didn't like the children when they were babies.

Yes, it hurts and at some level you think, WTF am I doing, but you know what you have to do.

Once, perhaps twice at a push, but what he is doing is not fair on you.

also OP you are hardly old - about 42? and you achieved so much with having children, looking after the household, and now you wouldn't be left without money either. You can still have a good life without him, looking after the younger kids, and also maybe meeting a decent man (even without a gift of the gab!you can learn from your mistakes still). You will need support from a councellor though, to start with, as you ve been so brainwashed.

I'm trained nanny, Doin, hubby doesnt 'do' children!!!
tallwivglass, dont know about blossom, perhaps not allow him to wipe feet all over me?
passion, i like to think that i am a caring loving person, but perhaps bit too loving and easy going eh? :-(

yes passion, brain washed sounds about right!!! been so busy being the best mum and wife ever known, that he's had the life of riley!!! never been questioned or stopped doing whatever he wants to do, otherwise might throw a tantrum!!!

I really think you'd benefit from counselling

I think you've wasted more than an evening on this.
You've wasted years of your life because you have get to get a grip.
You obviously aren't bothered about infidelity or not having special time/vacations with your husband.
Weird.
Some women are complete walk-overs.
What kind of role model are you for your kids!

well BayP, she was 16 when she got married which is unusual, and he's older and moulded her (as she was in love) - I can't see how you can blame her. She was a great mum, and i don't think she doesn't care about infidelity - he makes her believe that nothing's going on.

she's been a great mum, I mean

women who never been single or independent are hardly going to be sophisticated and wordly-wise, especially if her parents didn't set the right example of a goood marriage. It's like living in a bubble.

plus OP's waking up to the truth now - better late than never, so well done OP for posting and starting to take action!

She's waking up? Sounds like she's still making excuses for him.
She needs to leave this man.

Good morning OP. You do have some support from your GP and your mum. Your husband is a bullying control freak. You need to leave him and start a new life. Are you ready yet? You really don't have to put up with it.

You can find an expert in family law in your area here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

Do it, save your sanity. This will only get worse, not better. You need to act now.

Will check back later.

Hi olgaga, bless you, thank you for your link x I not ready, but have to do it, its not going to get any better is it?
Passions thank you for your understanding, I think you've hit the nail on the head.
Thank you all for your thoughts and ideas last night, I know now its time to stop kidding myself :-( so went to best friends for coffee this morning and let it all out! Have made appt for half hour free consultation with solicitor for thurs and she is going to go with me for support. Hopefully first step to happier life. As to H haven't heard a thing so guessing he's back tonight?
As my friend said its time to get angry!!!

I am so so so sooooo glad you talked to your friend. This IS your first step to a happier life. I'm so pleased for you!

This is going to be hard, but not nearly as hard as sharing the rest of your life with someone who treats you with such contempt. You deserve love, laughter and happiness in your life. We are only on this earth once, we have to make the best of it.

Your friend sounds sensible. And it sounds like she really cares about you. It will all turn out ok in the end.

Ladybird, we are the same age.

Do you want another 26 years of him treating you with complete contempt?

Well done on telling your RL friend.

Onwards and upwards, one day you will be free of this excuse for a husband.

Go girl, go! Well done you.

Oh oik you've made me blub! friend told me she's been waiting for this day for years!!! think i've had my head in the sand. She's behind me 100%.
Katie, I've wasted all my life on this man! no more, i don't think he's ever loved me :-( what a fool eh. Gonna start to look after myself perhaps get some counselling to begin with, for strength.

Thanks Quin, not going to be easy but I think i can do it and need to do it now.

umm...i think your husband is either a pimp or a drug dealer. who else needs three phones?

Great that you're getting some RL support - go for it!

Counselling is good, make sure you get a good one not relate

It's very telling when your friends finally say what they think.

FWIW, I think other woman too.

So pleased to hear this, let us know how you get on.

Do you have access to financial documents - earnings/mortgage/house deeds/savings? If so see if you can get copies of everything. It will be useful.

eandz, hmmm perhaps i should get PI that would explain a lot
tribpot, friend said she didnt want put things into my head, had to get there myself
katie, no wouldnt go to relate, its not relationship help, more self help that i want, he totally denies another woman!
Olgaga, thanks for advice i will look out paperwork asap.