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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband going AWOL

215 replies

ladybird69 · 05/02/2012 21:22

Hi Newbie here, I just need some advice :-( going through a bad patch and husband of 26 yrs keeps going away to get his head together! BUT he takes no clothes with him or brings any back, plus now he doesnt even take his shaver etc!!!! what do you think? i know what my gut feelings are but should i give him the benefit of the doubt as per usual? thanks

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 05/02/2012 23:45

Your youngest child is 13.. that is 13 years that you have not been pregnant, or tied to a kitchen sink...

I find this all a bit far fetched tbh..

ClaraSage · 05/02/2012 23:50

So do I. There is no way the children would allow their dad to treat their mother like this, unless they are all as warped as him, which is highly unlikely!

Oy! MNHQ gone to bed have we? More inexplicable deleting please. It really adds clarity to the thread. Not!

Original poster
ladybird69 · 05/02/2012 23:52

Olga, he is very clever! blaming me etc claiming I have depression!!! Gp says its a miracle I'm sane!!! I always said only 2 reasons to end marriage, abuse and infidelity, guess I'm seeling solicitor :-(

OP posts:
doinmummy · 05/02/2012 23:53

Would your family support you?

Original poster
ladybird69 · 05/02/2012 23:56

Clara, poor daddy is being picked on by mummy!!! he just wants space to think!!! um I actually asked him to move out last summer for couple of weeks, to which he refused as it wasnt what he wanted!!!
squeaky, he always has an excuse or reason ie a new business venture or not the right time! hence me always having to be 'on duty'

OP posts:
Original poster
ladybird69 · 05/02/2012 23:58

Doin, my mum is great, she behind me 100% but his family well off so support easy for him.

OP posts:
ClaraSage · 05/02/2012 23:58

But ladybird, the kids must see through him! Especially as he is away so much and you practically raised them singlehanded?

windsorTides · 06/02/2012 00:04

Are you going to divorce him OP?

squeakytoy · 06/02/2012 00:04

you dont have to be "on duty" now.. your kids are old enough to fend for themselves during the day.. you are married to him, so you have as much right to any money in the household that he has..

divorce him and get as much of it as you can.. that is about all he deserves if this is genuine..

Original poster
ladybird69 · 06/02/2012 00:05

oh no clarasage, poor daddy has to get away! he didnt want to be away but had to! he has the gift of the gabb, and could win an oscar....... yet me, the one who stayed, sat up all night when they were ill, made them hot choc when they walked in from school, is worthless!!!

OP posts:
doinmummy · 06/02/2012 00:07

What do you want to do ?

Original poster
ladybird69 · 06/02/2012 00:07

Windsor and squeaky, he has told me if i ever think of divorcing him, the children ie the 2 youngest will live with him as i've been such a terrible mother! he knows where to hurt.

OP posts:
passionsrunhigh · 06/02/2012 00:08

OP he's bluffing - he won't be prepared to look after the children! not his habit!

Original poster
ladybird69 · 06/02/2012 00:08

doinmummy, I hate him :-( but I love him cause he's all ive ever known.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladybird69 · 06/02/2012 00:09

passion, yeah it wouldnt fit in with his life-style eh

OP posts:
passionsrunhigh · 06/02/2012 00:10

he just knows how to control you - don't take his threats as real. You aer a mother of 4 kids who can speak up and say htat you are a good mother - and confirm that you are the main carer as he's always away also.

doinmummy · 06/02/2012 00:10

So what do you want to do ?

passionsrunhigh · 06/02/2012 00:12

You should definetely be entitled to have the house if you divorce, after such a long marriage and four children - trust me, the law is on your side.

squeakytoy · 06/02/2012 00:14

Windsor and squeaky, he has told me if i ever think of divorcing him, the children ie the 2 youngest will live with him as i've been such a terrible mother! he knows where to hurt.

He is talking utter shit. For a start both of them are old enough to decide for themselves who they want to be with.

He can only hurt you like this is you let him. Get to a solicitor and get yourself toughened up. (and I mean that in the nicest way.. but if you lay there like a doormat, he will continue to walk all over you)..

ClaraSage · 06/02/2012 00:14

Reads like a marriage from the 1950s or earlier.
You should phone Citizen's advice and ask them what your rights are.

SinicalSanta · 06/02/2012 00:15

you need to take control. You already know this is a pile of shit. Nobody has to settle for that anymore.

So, 9 o'clock in the morning, ring a solicitor for an appointment.
Find out where you stand legally re finances and the younger children.
Listen to the solicitor - not him.

doinmummy · 06/02/2012 00:16

Sounds like this has been going on for a long time. Do you think you are in
a position ( mentally) to do something about it?

Original poster
ladybird69 · 06/02/2012 00:24

This has been going on since last Sept! this eve I've been sitting here brooding! head says its not right, heart says give him the benefit of the doubt!!! hence why posting tonight, you've all said its basicslly crap! I need to grow a pair and move on! It hurts like hell, but I don't deserve such treatment, I've given my life for this shit of a man :-(
I think I need proper advice, re the marriage
Thanks

OP posts:
passionsrunhigh · 06/02/2012 00:27

OP you haven't just given your life for the man - you have children who appreciate you (or will do more demonstratively when older).

passionsrunhigh · 06/02/2012 00:29

and even animals love you, apart from the kids - it shows you are a caring person who is loveable and needed.