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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband going AWOL

215 replies

ladybird69 · 05/02/2012 21:22

Hi Newbie here, I just need some advice :-( going through a bad patch and husband of 26 yrs keeps going away to get his head together! BUT he takes no clothes with him or brings any back, plus now he doesnt even take his shaver etc!!!! what do you think? i know what my gut feelings are but should i give him the benefit of the doubt as per usual? thanks

OP posts:
storminabuttercup · 05/02/2012 22:32

I'm sorry but I'm starting to find this unbelievable and confusing Confused

Original poster
ladybird69 · 05/02/2012 22:33

Shine 13 is 'bit of a handful'
Hun is a term I use in RL all of the time sorry!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ladybird69 · 05/02/2012 22:34

storm why is it unbelievable?

OP posts:
doinmummy · 05/02/2012 22:36

What else do you need to know? What would you like to be told on here?
Seriously, if things are this bad you need to see someone to sort your head out .

doinmummy · 05/02/2012 22:36

I'm finding a bit unbelievable too!

oikopolis · 05/02/2012 22:37

OP there is no need to hire a PI. Catching him at it will do nothing at all, you already know he's being ridiculous and is checking out of the relationship. Just get legal advice about when/how you would need to kick him out of your home, and then start divorce proceedings. He's a knob who relies on you being soft-hearted and trusting so he can get his jollies while you tend to his home and children.

My father was the same, too cowardly to "be the bad guy" outright, so instead he spun tissues of lies and told my mother she was going crazy when she questioned him on his bizarre behavior. Mum married him at 19, the marriage finally ended after 24 years after my father had basically cut my mum and us kids out of his life over a period of five years in favour of OW, gambling, porn and drinking. It happens like this all the time.

He still acts as if my mother was being totally ridiculous in finally upping sticks with us in tow. Last I heard he now has a gf the same age as my younger sister.

Get rid, he doesn't care about you, he's just using you for security when he feels the need for it.

olgaga · 05/02/2012 22:37

ladybird69 it all sounds incredibly oppressive. Personally I wouldn't take off in the way some have suggested - it won't stop him having an affair. If you don't feel you can talk to him and would prefer to present him with a fait accompli divorce petition for adultery, then obviously a PI and a divorce solicitor is the obvious route.

In fact, if he won't talk to you about anything - why should you bother trying to discuss it?

"Happy ever after" yeah right.

ShineYourButtonsWithBrasso · 05/02/2012 22:37

Thank you for answering my Q's

It's unbelievable because it all sounds so far fetched, I don't how anyone would allow this to happen for a whole 5 months. Is it about the money? (6+ cars and money left over for DH to dissapear etc)

storminabuttercup · 05/02/2012 22:39

YY exactly what shine says!

Original poster
ladybird69 · 05/02/2012 22:40

Doinmummy, he makes me believe that I'm in the wrong, to question him. Perhaps I do need sorting out, or getting a back bone but nonetheless its hurts when I've dedicated my life to him and our children :-(

OP posts:
doinmummy · 05/02/2012 22:41

I dont think you need any more proof that this is very very wrong.
What do you want to do about it?

olgaga · 05/02/2012 22:42

Do you have reasonably easy access to money yourself OP? If so I think you should discuss your situation with a divorce solicitor.

You don't have to have proof of adultery to divorce him for unreasonable behaviour.

When you talk about animals, do you mean pets or farm?

ClaraSage · 05/02/2012 22:44

I can't believe this isn't a wind up!
If it isn't, when are you going to wake up and tell him that next time he goes not to come back?
And if you are still sleeping with him please use a condom.

Original poster
ladybird69 · 05/02/2012 22:46

Oikopolis, that sounds about right, if I question his behaviour, he can then use it against me!
Olga, sorry I blame my love for fairy tales!!! when I married I took my vows very seriously, unlike hubby eh
shine, i do believe that whilst he's been sweet talking me he's wiped out bank accounts!!! will i ever trust again?

OP posts:
doinmummy · 05/02/2012 22:47

There are occasions when women have an inkling that their OH is having an affair and that is an awful situation being so uncertain about their relationship.
But this couldn't be more obvious. I dont know how much more you need to be convinced.

doinmummy · 05/02/2012 22:49

You dont sound particularly upset by any of this. It's almost as if you are talking about a third party.
He must have done a really good 'job' on you to make you so blase about it all.

serin · 05/02/2012 22:50

Are you scared of him?

Original poster
ladybird69 · 05/02/2012 22:51

Doinmummy, first thing monday morn will ring solicitor!!!
Clara I'm afraid no wind up, next appt Drs surgery
Olga have no money/income but isa i can use! thought you had to name names of OW in divorce!!!

OP posts:
doinmummy · 05/02/2012 22:53

There doesn't have to be another woman, named or otherwise...unreasonable behaviour seems to fit the bill.

Original poster
ladybird69 · 05/02/2012 22:53

Doinmummy on anti-Ds!!! keeping me sane!
serin, um scared, tbh shitscared, sorry for bad language,

OP posts:
doinmummy · 05/02/2012 22:54

Are you on anti d's because of this or for other reasons?

SHThread · 05/02/2012 22:55

Is he older than you? By any chance did you get swept off your feet at 16, he gave you the world and you have remained like a naive 16 year old because of it?

ShineYourButtonsWithBrasso · 05/02/2012 22:55

You really don't sound very bothered by what has been going on over many months.

I'm not being horrible, just reading it as it feels and you come across as "silly me, I should have known, shouldn't I"?

What have you said to him about wiping bank accounts out? Do you work? Or has he made you feel that he earns the money so you have no say on how it is spent?

serin · 05/02/2012 22:56

What do you think he is capable of doing to you?

ClaraSage · 05/02/2012 22:56

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