how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

well you make sure you tell him that my lovely. And there is no need for him to be in your home. arse that he is.

I'm torn about him not coming into the house. I need to let him see the baby, even if it is just for an hour here and there when he sees DS anyway. But I am absolutely not willing to let him take my baby ANYWHERE in the first weeks. DS didn't leave my side until he was 8 weeks old, and I see no reason why I should let him waltz off for a 'walk' or anything else with my newborn given that he's the architect of this situation.

TBH If it was just about me, I wouldn't want him to visit, at all. But it's not just about me :( and DS still needs to see him... so DS2 will be seeing him. But I think I have to allow that to happen in the house (even if it's only sitting with baby in the conservatory, and not really cosying up in the front room IYSWIM). Otherwise, what options do I have?

Im not sure what other options there are. Maybe have a think about letting him take the baby and your little lad to the park? Fresh air is good for them and it might give you some rest.

Im sure someone else will pop in soon with better advice.

I just can't imagine letting him take my baby out of my sight TBH. I wouldn't have let him do that with DS and we were happily married back then... which says a lot about how much I trust him in the fist instance. He didn't actually have DS on his own at all until he was 5months old .

When he did, he strapped him in a car seat and left him by the side of an indoor pool so he could go swimming with his mates so that might explain my reluctance in part. I don't think he has a fucking clue really. I let him do stuff with DS now, because DS is old enough and loud enough to yell bloody murder now if he's not happy.

Oh god Choco - what a twonk! I wouldn't trust him with a newborn either!!

fucking bastard just emailed me to say he expects to have a three month review of contact arrangements in July (a week after my due date) because apparently six months is too long to go between discussions about when he will see his kids.

What the fuck does he think I'll be willing to discuss at that point? He's lucky I'm willing to discuss anything at all face to face instead of through the fucking courts

I honestly can't believe what a stupid, selfish shit he is sometimes. Who the hell does he think he is??

I felt faint reading that about your baby strapped n a carseat next to a pool while he was swimming!

I would feel the same about letting him take the baby. You don't need to defend yourself or give any reason - it is the most reasonable and rational, normal thing in the world to not want to leave your newborn.

in

Oh god ignore him!! Let him take you to court if he likes!! No judge in the land would part a newborn from his mother & her breastmilk. Idiot!

it just leaves me speechless.

This is when I start thinking he is not right in the head. Surely a normal person isn't so totally devoid of empathy? It's not normal to be so entitled and arrogant.

There is no consideration of the children at all. Only of himself.

AAAARGH I am so frustrated. I feel like I practically give myself kidney stones trying to work out how to be reasonable before I speak to him, and then I get another reminder of why its so damn pointless.

He's a mind fuck.

Don't let him get away with it.

If he was interested in you as the mother of/and his children he wouldn't have put you through all this shit...

I feel sick and can't sleep for worry and anger now. I feel like I've been waiting for things to get nasty and trying to avoid it but I won't back down on this... So I'm really afraid I'm going to be back to square one with the stress :( he has also asked for a bunch of extra days and I just want to say no to it all. Feel totally miserable again, like its all just some power trip for him.

Oh choco, this is a tough patch. All your contact arrangements have to be in the best interests of your little boys. It is in DS1's interest not to be dragged around to new places as he adjusts to having a brother. It is in DS2's interests to be close to you and your milk at all times for the first few months at least.
Your ex H sounds like a real piece of work. However you are strong, wise and clever as oposed to his entitled, manipulative immaturity and you are driven by principle and love for your sons.
How about suggesting a contact discussion when the baby is 3 months old? Say that this is based on medical advice and get your GP or MW to endorse it?
Hang in there choco. And don't forget to start a new thread so that the cheerleaders can circle you. ( If that is what you would like, of course).

Interesting how he wants to review contact just after DC2 is due!! Do you think you could ignore all emails, texts etc completely? This is harassment!

I have read and commented on this thread before, but I cant remember if you have seen a solicitor, I am thinking that you have, but if you havent then see one asap.

Anyway, keep the messages particularly the one about insisting on a review of contact when you are days either post or pre birth, or possibly even still in hospital. A solicitor would have a field day with that one and a judge would look very badly on it.

I know that you are worried but actually he has played right into your hands with this. You now have written proof of his intention to manipulate situations to his advantage, of his total lack of consideration of you, of his selfishness and of his stupidity (putting it in writing?! I mean who is THAT stupid? Oh wait.....)

This is a bump in road, keep the faith, you will get past this xx

I do have a solicitor Bogeyface, and I will not be replying again to anything without speaking to her in person next week. He has no idea. He has emailed again today (at 8am!!) to say that 'two to three weeks after the birth' would be acceptable, 'once a routine has been established'. It's so utterly ridiculous it beggars belief. I mean, WTAF? He clearly has NO FUCKING CLUE.

And the most ridiculous thing is he hasn't even waited long enough to ask me what I would be willing to suggest. He is being this adversarial, before we have even had a single conversation about what either of us thinks would work.

This sort of behaviour makes it really, really hard to maintain an 'amicable' separation.

I agree. Refuse to discuss & tell your solicitor you are being harassed. He is mistaken - the law says the child has a right to see their non resident parent when it's right for them NOT the non resident parent has a right to see the child when it suits them!!

took DS over to see his aunties/cousins at MILs house this morning.

Discovered H has told his sisters he's paid off my student debt as well (I used the 'yeah, he gave me a kidney too' line!) and that he will be working for at least six months where he is after graduating (why am I surprised) and moving in with the OW asap.

I feel completely winded. It shouldn't surprise me. But clearly he has been lying to me, has no intention of coming to live here unless he intends to do that in a year and bring her with him (um, unlikely I think). I wonder how much defamation of my character I will have to endure from him, while he lies to my face?

I am resolute in one thing - I will not give an inch more than is in the DCs best interests to see their 'father'. Even his sisters today warned me they don't expect him to bother keeping up contact, and can't see that he is bothered at all by us moving away. It's all about sounding like a good dad. None of what he says in public has any resemblance to the truth.

:( I wish I could fast forward through the pain to see the better life everyone keeps telling me I'll have with my kids in the end.

It will take time but once you've had the baby & feel stronger physically you will feel emotionally & mentally better too. Set things up re work housing & childcare TOTALLY on your terms without ever expecting him to be reliable or a regular part of your arrangements. My ex took me to court for a contact order for my DD who was only a few months old at the time & even applied for a penal order (to send me to prison for not making her available one weekend when we were at a wedding 200 miles away!) all at huge expense (the judge awarded me costs!) but within months wasn't even sticking to what he'd fought for & never has!!! Your SILs are right.

I have sat and read through your thread and have browsed your blog (will look properly in a moment) and just wanted to say how incredibly strong you sound. It is admirable and your children are very lucky to have such a great mum. Stay positive, I do believe that one day things will be so unbelievably different for you and you will be able to look back on this experience with pride at how well you carried yourself, how well you handled your StupidBastardExHusband(to be) and his horrendous behaviour and how much you put your children first, I am sure they will have nothing but good memories of their childhood because of you. I wish you and your little family all the best in everything you do. Take care

Are your SILs nice to you? I just can't sort out the tone of your conversations with them from your post... either they are saying these things in a concerned, sympathetic manner because they don't want to see you hurt with expectations too high of him or they are saying them in a more short, cutting, 'he's moved on now, so get over it' sort of way.

If the latter, perhaps you should avoid those visits on your own :(.
If the former, then keep those wise and lovey ladies in your life! :)

no they are nice HP. Bewildered by and disappointed in H (but that's no surprise), and they were also reminiscing about their own DF leaving them as children for another woman - thinking out loud really about how H is generally acting like someone who doesn't give a flying fart about a long term relationship with his kids. It was a conversation with a lot of humour in it at the time believe it or not, it's just that when I got in the car on my own and had to leave DS there to spend time with his dad (without me, clearly) that I suddenly had a minute to reflect and feel completely crap about it all again.

Hi thatboysmum thank you for your lovely words :)

midwife I so hope you are right. I can't tell sometimes if I'm more upset at the thought of him being in their lives or buggering off out of theirs! Talk about a head-fuck.

Right, I am actually going to fall off the end of the thread now... time to take the plunge and start a new one! I'd miss you all too much and your words of wisdom if I quit having a place to chat now!!

Thank you SO much to everyone who has been with me so far, held my hand, cheered me on and given me a reality check when I've needed one. You are so kind, wise and loving - really - I couldn't have done this without you. My dad today said he was in awe of how sensible and calm I am about it all, and all I could think was it's not me - it's the MNetters!! You've kept me sane, and I'm forever in your debt xxx

Phew! Glad they are a support. x Please link to the new thread:)

I'm over here...

:)