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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how could he :(

999 replies

chocoraisin · 01/02/2012 20:44

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

OP posts:
JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 21/03/2012 12:27

you ARE going to be ok choc you really are. ((hugs back))

Glad you feel a bit better today. Onwards and upwards.

blackcurrants · 21/03/2012 13:30

you are indeed going to be okay, and at some point you will suddenly realise that you are more than okay, you're actually awesome, and you're think: wow, how did I get here? Thank goodness I did! :)

Definitely do the blog thing, or just another thread. You're not alone, and you're going to be okay. Is your DS doing a new word every day? I'm even getting a few "peeeese!" requests when DS wants something really badly (more telly usually Hmm) which is heartmeltingly lovely :)

Original poster
chocoraisin · 21/03/2012 14:09

Hello

DS is definitely learning lots of new words, but I'm still one of the only people who can understand most of it Grin Excitingly, we're getting a couple of two word sentences now! Some are ridiculously cute, like when he squeals 'catch it!!' after chasing his baked beans/cereal/bit of banana clean off his plate... others are hard work (like on Monday when he learned 'cake' and was delighted to realise 'more cake' works well - so much so that he refused to eat anything at all until 5pm because there was in fact, no more cake).

I'm working hard on getting more 'peeese' and 'ta's' from him too! Manners cost you nothing as my mother used to say lol...

OP posts:
TheEpilator · 21/03/2012 16:05

Glad DS is learning the most important word in the English language - cake (oh and peese/thank you!)

A friend of mine wrote a blog to help him through his divorce. He said it was so that his DCs could look at it when they were older and see things from his side, but TBH it got a bit bitchy and bitter in places, so I really hope they never see it! It definitely helped him to get it written down though - very cathartic.

I know yours will be like your posts here, honest and heartfelt, and by the time your DSs are old enough to read, you'll be so far along in this journey that you won't need to blog about your life, as you'll be too busy enjoying it!

03angels · 21/03/2012 19:58

Hi Choco so glad today's been a good one for you- sounds like ur DS is soo cute Smile keep smiling Smile

Original poster
chocoraisin · 21/03/2012 20:07

gah.

'Evangelical' about sums it up. H has been spreading his venom far and wide. Just had another friend ask me if he really paid of my student debt in full (NO he fucking did NOT) and another one try to convince me that 'he's really not proud of himself you know'.

I am not in the least bit surprised that he's gone balls out to discredit me and make sure everyone knows what a saint he was in the wake of our conversation yesterday.

I really don't fucking appreciate it though :(

Happy mood fast deflating.

OP posts:
Bobyan · 21/03/2012 20:16

Write the blog, link it to this thread and then send it to everyone you know.

I'm not sure if I should laugh but the very thought that he paid off your student loans therefore makes it okay for him to screw around is so ludicrous!

Dozer · 21/03/2012 20:25

Urgh, how infuriating! Your friends are being tossers too.

You know the truth, anyone who is sucked in by his bullshit isn't worth it.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 21/03/2012 20:29

can I have a volunteer to see a trial blog please? I don't want to post a link until I get confirmation it's hidden my identity... I can't see if it would show my email or name or something and I'm paranoid... :)

OP posts:
blackcurrants · 21/03/2012 20:46

By all means pm me a link or something?

Original poster
chocoraisin · 21/03/2012 20:53

all done :) thank you!

OP posts:
blackcurrants · 22/03/2012 01:27

exciting times!

I think you need to build a repository of retorts for when people report total bolleaux that he's fed them. Can you raise an eyebrow? A raised eyebrow and a 'gosh, he really is living in a fantasy world, isn't he? Sadly it's nonsense.' would be SO COOL!

Original poster
chocoraisin · 22/03/2012 08:52

I'll probably just laugh and say 'Yes, he was incredible. He gave me a kidney too? Didn't you know? Incredible."

What a muppet.

Thanks for making me giggle :)

OP posts:
HavePatience · 22/03/2012 10:16

I've been following your thread and you're doing SO well! I look at your thread and cheer you on each day Grin Blush
I love your response to people who have heard of his 'greatness'
He sounds like a self absorbed, manipulative tosser. You are so well rid of him. I hope something comes up for you with housing soon. Can you stay with your parents for a while after the baby is born if you need to? Are they helpful?

I hope today is a good day for you :) x

comewwhinewithme · 22/03/2012 18:58

Choco, you inspire me. Although I wish you were not going through this shitty time, each time I read your thread you give me the strength and courage to go through my own shitty time.
My ex left in feb and your thread has helped me become a strong and confident person.
My ex is also playing the poor hard done to saint, according to him I was some sort of crazy fishwife and he did everything in the house on top of work, in reality he left me a week after my grandmother died leaving me pg,ill and looking after very confused children.
Now he is having a shit time of it and everyday I feel a little bit better.
Some good advice someone gave me foe when I was finding it hard to be around/speak to him was "Act don't react" and it works he hates not getting a reaction or a big dramatic chat about our relationship.
Onwards and upwards Choco.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 22/03/2012 19:02

haha so he cant get you to collude in his fantasy of events so he is now getting 'friends' on side. Fucking Twat.

Ignore and if people report to you, just laugh and say "oh did he? shame that isnt true either"

blackcurrants · 22/03/2012 19:50

ooh yes, the high ground is the answer, specially if you can add in the teeniest hint of a sneer Wink

I LOVE 'act don't react' - he still wants your attention, so not giving it to him has got to be your greatest strength, I think.

Kitchendiva80 · 22/03/2012 21:55

I hope you read this thread back and can see how far you've come in such a short time. You are truly inspiring - a very strong woman. We never know how much we can bear until we need to. Sending hugs your way.

GeekLove · 23/03/2012 00:06

What are the bets that the honeymoon has worn off and he is still the same arrogant insecure tossed with the OW? His attempts at trying to get a rise out of you smack of false bravado.
It's also dawning on him now that you are not going to take him back under any circumstances because your life HAS gone on without him.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 23/03/2012 13:26

loving "Act dont react" perfect for this situation.

hope you are doing ok today.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 23/03/2012 19:22

hello you lovely ladies! hugs and Brew all round x

I've had a heck of a 48 hours, drove all the way back to our old city with DS (4 hours each way with toddler breaks!) for his asthma review. Such good news - he's improved so much 2 of his 3 regular inhalers have been stopped. There have been no unexpected hospital trips in 9 months. Last year we were popping in and out of A&E with him every other month, giving oral steroids and all sorts. I'm so proud of him, he's a big bonny boy (2 stone today, no wonder I think I have a hernia lol) and just lovely, he blew the Dr a kiss when we left and said 'bye bye' like he knew he didn't want to be going back :) hurrah!

H came along for the appointment. I was worried it would be horrible to see him but it seems that as long as we all play along with the nice little family act when we're in the same room, he acts as if nothing has happened at all - so no mention of the texts, and I kept it all strictly DS chat. I definitely agree with acting, not reacting... I can choose to act with strength and dignity so I shall. I can choose not to share my reactions when he upsets me horribly. I can bloody well try to anyway .

I think the best thing is knowing that DS had a fab time on our trip. We stayed with a friend who has a DS just a few weeks younger, and the boys had a lovely time playing. Then we went to the park before his appointment with another friend and her little girl. I'm so proud of both of us for going back, facing the whole thing head on and catching up with friends. I left in such an emotional state when we moved out that I didn't know if I could handle going back to the place that had been home so soon, but needs must. I wasn't going to cancel his review, it's important. I just stayed well clear of the flat (felt no need to go see if her car was there or not - I think this is a case of ignorance is bliss!) and did what we had to do, seeing lovely friends was a really great bonus though and made it all worth while!

I hope you've all had a lovely couple of days too x

OP posts:
JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 23/03/2012 20:35

well done choco really good news re son and good news re not reacting to the bastard X.

There will be tough times, but you kept your dignity.

Earthymama · 23/03/2012 20:53

So glad your little one is so much improved Smile

You are amazing, you will come through this. I loved the suggestion that you will be tempered, like metal. I was watching the Story of Wales and how my ancestors made bronze and how beautiful and useful that tempered metal is.
You will be a Bronze Goddess, and idiot man will be left far behind.
I married an idiot, my children know him for what he is and love me with all my many faults, because they know they are the centre of my life and my heart.
I also have 5 grandchildren so I can can take the long view!!Wink
I've forgotten how long you have before arrival of little one?

Original poster
chocoraisin · 23/03/2012 20:59

hello guys, I'm 25 weeks now :) time is marching on!

I can get on board with being a bronze goddess earthy

thank you both for the well wishes for DS, I am so chuffed for him. I think that he can count a little bit already because we usually count down when we use his inhaler chambers, but it will be so nice not to be using them every morning and night for him now.

OP posts:
HavePatience · 23/03/2012 21:04

Wow that's really great news about your DS Smile
Well done with the whole couple of days. You must be knackered now!
I don't mean to hijack and can pm you if you prefer but can you tell me how they decided to take him off of inhalers? Was it purely lack of hospital visits? Or did he have another test to see if he could? I ask because we are hoping to take our DS off an inhaler soon...