how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

just checking in to see how you are choco

sorry to hear about your SPD.

thanks Jax

Oh that sounds so sore, choco - grim for you. I whinged a fair old bit while I was pregnant but I was fortunate not to have SPD. Do you have the band-thingy my mate Sarah had? (well presumably not the same one, since it's probably grey and manky and in her house in Coventry, but one like it!)

Hi choco just stopping by to see how you are today- hope its a better day for you [fingers crossed emoticon] x x

Choco. The blog shows what any follower of your story here has had gradually revealed to them; you can write. People who write so well can get paid for doing it. Keep that in mind. There'll be a time to wind-up the blog and self-publish. You should. You very obviously have a talent for it.

Choco, I have spent nearly 4 hours reading this thread last night and this morning! I have never experienced anything like what you are going through, my children are older, we probably have nothing in common whatsoever.

BUT I was so mesmerised by your story, by your strength and by the way you have told your story in your marvellous writing style.

I have just clicked the link to your blog and you write like a pro.

Hats off to you for your outlook. Even when you're down in the shit, you keep looking up.

You are an inspiration and a strong and talented woman. Your little boys are so very very lucky to have you.

I am going out to buy cheerleading lycra now, and I live in Texas so mine will be the biggest and shiniest in the pyramid

Yogii and cq thank you! It goes without saying that another cheerleader is ALWAYS welcome. And if you read the whole thing yogii hats off to you!! At some point I think I'll have to go back and re-read it all myself, I've been skipping over bits here and there but some of it's still too painful to remind myself of.

I'm having the busiest day ever so I'm just popping by really to say hello and offer round and . I don't want to post and run but I'm shattered. So much to update. I think I have my c-sec (hurrah!) agreed, so I'll tell all tomorrow, and I had a fab day with DS today. I took him out for ice cream and to ride on a little mini train for the afternoon, so much fun he was completely hyped up when we got home and demolished an enormous tea, then managed a whole slice of cake as well. As he's growing like a weed right now I don't feel too bad about stuffing him full of sugar for a day!

I'm working on the next blog post (will be up tomorrow eve) and honestly, I'm getting so much out of it. It's keeping me surprisingly upbeat :)

Also, the codeine is definitely helping, and the doc says the side effects should sort themselves out if I keep taking an even dose for a while which is good. Hopefully no more nightmares soon. Feels good not to have the burning cigarette on fango feeling all day long... on that note, hope you all sleep well too x

Sleep well, Choco, sweet dreams (in spite of codeine). Hope tomorrow is a fun day too.

Oh you are a good mother. So glad that in amongst it all you are having fun times with DS. Good news re c-sec.
I get a lot out of your blog too. And a self help book written by you would be one that I would actually buy....just saying.

hello guys, just popping by to say hello - I've had a hectic weekend with my sisters (both of them) and DNeice/DNephew staying. It's been toddler central, with egg hunts and baking and chalk drawing on the patio... thank god it's been sunny.

I've struggled quite a lot with resentments over H having DS this weekend though too. He had him saturday/sunday for half the day, which meant we couldn't really go out anywhere or plan a proper trip with all the kids. I know it's important for DS to see his dad but it just feels like shit when the reality comes crashing in. DS's other cousins were at MILs house, so he was shuttled between the two all weekend. Its incredible how conflicted I felt about it all - on the one hand I felt excluded from stuff I'd normally have been part of (seeing my neices/SIL etc) and on the other hand pissed at H and glad he was excluded from my family stuff. And then acutely aware that little DS was being handed around like a prize pig at a fair :(

I just don't know how to handle it all yet. I hate it so much and can't bear the thought of doing it with a tiny baby too. I decided it was better to stick to routine this time rather than change all plans because of visitors (and then set a precedent for H to change things willy nilly whenever he thinks it would be more convenient). DS no doubt had a lovely time in both places. It was most likely just me who felt like crap.

Next week H has DS friday afternoon, and then all day Saturday :( it's the longest he's had him (or asked to have him, I might add) since November. Even when he was still living with me he didn't have DS for whole days, ever. I'm feeling in knots about it and I don't really want to let him go but I guess I have to.

This week I'm going to have to get some advice about patters of visits with the new baby etc as in a fortnight we are due to sit down and make a plan for the coming 3-4 months. He wants to take paternity leave (but I don't think he should, I DEFINITELY don't want to see him every day for a fortnight, and he has no 'need' to take it as he won't be 'helping' me at all). He also suggested having DS overnight but I am not at all happy with that right now, because he has only ever had him on his own overnight 4-5 times EVER without me, and I know that he doesn't wake up/respond when DS cries. Which recently he does, a lot, when unsettled. He gets very scared at night and has only just settled here so I don't want to introduce another house/cot/change just when baby is due. :( stressed to the max

Doesn't help that I've been going over my concerns (recorded through conversations with our joint GP and mental health charities for the past year and a half, as well as my own memories) and I'm starting to feel uncomfortably sure that H's ongoing mental health issues (12 years of depression/one breakdown/inability to communicate/empathise/recognise social convention etc) may be pointing towards a bigger issue I can do absolutely nothing about. But nevertheless makes me even less inclined to trust him with my children at all. Feeling frustrated, upset and out of control.

Wow, sorry for epic post - if you got that far, thanks!!

I really feel for you re: your concerns ex copter attempts at having his paternity leave.

I would hate to having to see him every day.He can split his 2 weeks into separate days - maybe suggest that - and he can have DS on some Fridays instead, over 6 months period?

Who's going to be helping you during first days/weeks after your birth?

I've moved in with my parents so I will have 24 hour a day support from both of them, so there is literally no need for him to be here at all (other than to 'bond' with DC2) and they don't want him here. I think it's a bad, bad idea to have him hovvering while I get past giving birth and the baby blues hump etc. I just need to say no and be firm, but I'm not sure how.

I didn't know you can spread out your paternity leave like that, how would that work (or would it at all) if he is a student on placement at uni? TBH the thought of him being around 2 full days a week for 6 months also gives me kittens though so perhaps there isn't going to be any solution I feel ok with :(

this is my H, exactly it could have been written about him word for word. I feel really upset and worried about managing his contact with the kids long term. Its so hard to explain to people though because what he presents to the world is so different from what I lived with, and how he behaves towards me and DS. Do you think the mental health board might be a good place to ask for advice or should I just let it go? Its really bothering me today. A comment from my GP (who suspects this is the case) has really wound me up worrying about what it would mean if it was true.

hi Choco, just checking in after my weekend away. Will read your post above in a bit and no doubt comment again.

I had no idea Students get paternity leave?
that would then be 10 days I guess, so a day a week for 10 weeks....

Choco - just seen this thread on 'active' and read through - you're doing amazingly.

In terms of the baby, did you bf ds1? If you did, that's a really good excuse for keeping ds2 with you for a good amount of time (particularly if you don't express and get him used to a bottle).

I'm really glad you've got the support of your parents. I would ensure that DH doesn't actually come in there though - even with the new baby. You don't need to make things easy for him.

You might also want to get some sort of pattern established with contact which ensures that you dont' miss out on all the weekends for instance. Not necessarily something that you want to sort now - but potentially better than finding you've got into a rut and can't back out.

How are you feeling Choco? Is the SPD any better? I hope the hassles over contact etc have improved & you get a break over Easter.

hello guys - thanks midwife, it's pretty crap. I'm on 15/500 co-codamol 4x daily now and have backup crutches in the car for days out. I've been referred to a senior physio now though so hopefully they may be able to do something. I've just been trying to work out contact patterns...

I think I'm going to suggest he spends one full day at the weekend (saturday) with DS1, and at the start/end of this time has an hour each way with DS2 when he arrives. Plus keep the 2-5 visit on Fridays with half an hour each end with DS2. No overnights.

When they get older/more used to him he can build up to taking DS2 out for the 2-5 visit, and maybe have DS1 for the whole day on Saturdays but take DS2 out for either the morning or the afternoon. That way he can still do things like take DS1 swimming once a week, and DS2 won't be disappearing off for more than 2-3 hours which should be do-able with feeds even if I am BF when things are more established.

When they are both much more settled (like, aged 3 and 1) I would be happier with them staying overnight every other weekend which seems a more typical pattern, but that doesn't feel in any way appropriate now or with a newborn baby at all. Not seeing him for a fortnight at this young age isn't going to build up much of a bond with DS2 and DS1 has been through enough change/instability - he has a lot more coming to cope with too when baby arrives.

Wish me luck :( I hope it's a smooth conversation. I know H won't want them midweek because he won't be living near us at all until at least Sept, and giving up his whole weekend every weekend isn't going to happen (playing football on Sunday mornings is far too important to him, and he's not given that up for DS yet).

You are so reasonable! . It must be so hard, but your plan sounds perfect. I hope the physio works out for you! xx

thanks HP :)

You have to do what's best for you & the DCs. Sod what ex wants!! You are being v reasonable but remember you'll feel really vulnerable when the baby is born so you won't feel like having to deal with him for a few days.

Sounds good. Good luck.

That sounds extremely generous and reasonable, Choco. I hope that conversation goes well, and that the Physio can help you. x

good luck, you are beyond reasonable. hope he bloody appreciates it! Actually, grateful is what he should be.

HA - he won't appreciate it. Wish he bloody would.

I won't actually suggest anything until he has told me what he thinks is appropriate, no idea if I'm offering more than he wants or will have to scale back his expectations. I just want to know I'm clear in my own mind about the maximum I am willing to give.

The only think I am sure of right now, that I am dreading saying, is that I do NOT want him to take paternity leave at all. I think it will confuse and stress out DS1 to have him 'popping in' for 2 weeks then pissing off again. And paternity leave is to 'help' with the baby when your partner is recovering from giving birth - he doesn't qualify IMO as I don't need or want his help. In fact, having him around is likely to cause me undue stress and anxiety.

:(