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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how could he :(

999 replies

chocoraisin · 01/02/2012 20:44

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 01/02/2012 22:01

He's not a good dad, you don't have to accept anything of the kind.

He's not even a halfway decent person.

Cherriesarelovely · 01/02/2012 22:11

How absolutely horrible for you xx you poor thing, that is a dreadful situation to be in. Fortunately you seem to have good people around you such as your parents and your neighbours. I feel so bad for you.

chinax · 01/02/2012 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElusiveCamel · 01/02/2012 22:30

How absolutely awful :( Poor you and poor DS - hope he brings you some comfort tonight.

suburbophobe · 01/02/2012 22:38

God, what a shit.

Change the sheets (if not already done...), bring your child into your bed with you, and DO NOT LET HIM IN THE DOOR!

How dare he?! Bin his stuff and leave it out the door when he's around for his "appointment".

Also, NO CONTACT WITH HIM OR HIS FAMILY while you get your head together.

Garliccheesechips · 01/02/2012 22:45

Oh I am so sorry OP, none of this is fair.
I know it's cold comfort at this early stage, but if he's the kind of man that can do that to his pregnant wife then he's a piece of shit that will continue to be a piece of shit regardless of the woman in his life and you are well rid.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 01/02/2012 23:17

thank you everyone, DS is in his cot. I've put clean sheets on the bed :(

I have to try and grit my teeth and get through it, this is my home. I have to live here for months yet.

You are all right, he is an utter, utter shit and I won't let him take any more from me than he already has :( I'm changing the locks tomorrow. I don't even care if it's technically not legal to do that. I wont have him set foot in here again.

thank you again for holding my hand x

OP posts:
lisad123 · 01/02/2012 23:22

I think changing locks is best idea, and make sure there is no trace of him in the house. Box and bag everything of his and leave it out front tomorrow.

HueyMorganismyboyfriend · 01/02/2012 23:29

What an utter shitbag! Why do men think they are so entitled to ride roughshod over innocent people. Look after yourself and your little ones and protect yourself. Physically emotionally and financially.

It will not feel like it now but you WILL get through this utterly devastating time

Xxxxx

lisaro · 01/02/2012 23:32

The only comfort in this is that he and said skank deserve each other. I feel for you, and hope you do feel better soon.

WMDinthekitchen · 01/02/2012 23:47

Pure betrayal. How dreadful. When he arrives to see his son, tell him very politely that you realise he has slept with OW in your marital bed and that you would like him to remove the bed, buy you another, bring it to the house and assemble it for you. Be calm (monumentally difficult in the circs), don't criticise and stick to the facts. e.g. 'I know you slept with X in our bed and I will not sleep in it again. Please take it away and buy another bed for the flat. I expect you to bring it here and assemble it (or I expect you to have it delivered and assembled at your expense.' I am guessing he doesn't know you realise that he slept with OW in your bed. I can completely understand why you would like to cancel DS seeing him but don't. That would ultimately punish DS.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 23:48

I am so sorry, love

Some people can be so cruel, it's like they have a block of ice instead of a heart

GashInTheAttic · 01/02/2012 23:54

What AF said about blocks of ice.

My Dad did similar to my lovely Mum.

And said things that were so cruel and unnecessary.

I never forgave him and i wasn't bothered when i heard he'd died.

GashInTheAttic · 01/02/2012 23:59

Sorry,that was not helpful.

My Mum's old and has just had a stroke and i'm just so glad she outlived him .

constantlytired · 02/02/2012 12:53

How are you today, did you get any kind of sleep last night?

GeekLove · 02/02/2012 13:04

If he challenges you on changing the locks, say you lost the keys.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 02/02/2012 13:17

I'm ok thanks guys, I spent the morning at a friends house meeting her new baby. DS has crashed out for his nap now. I barely slept last night, what with DS waking up 3 times and every time I woke up the horrible thoughts that came crashing in.

I've informed XH I'll be dropping DS to him at a play barn, and he is not welcome at the house while I am living here. Pick ups will now take place at a neutral place. I can't discuss anything more emotional with him in front of DS but XH has agreed to come to a one off Relate session next Friday to 'clear the air' before we 'move forward as parents'. I don't think he has the faintest idea why I want to go, but that's not my problem.

I plan to give him both barrels then, and make it absolutely clear how I feel. I'm writing a letter to read to him (I won't give him a copy though, so it can't be brought up in the future) so I manage to condense the full horror into something I can say simply at the time. In the meantime yes, locks will be enhanced rather than fully changed, and I won't give him the extra key until I leave. I'll buy a new mattress and bedding out of the joint account and instruct him that the rest of his belongings will be outside, ready to collect, after his contact time is over on Saturday. If he wants to take them he needs to arrange a car. Otherwise the bin men will help him out.

Feel on the edge of tears all the time, and suspect I have picked up my mums chest infection now :( my friends think I'm a tower of strength but I feel so crap.

OP posts:
owlelf · 02/02/2012 13:21

Totally understand why you want that bed out of the flat. By rights he should remove and replace it. However, he sounds like a twat, so in reality this is unlikely to happen anytime soon.

Would you consider replacing it yourself? I absolutely realise that you shouldn't have to do this, and that money is probably tight, however it might give you a great deal of peace of mind.

Could you also move the furniture round in the bedroom, to ring the changes?

Has he found somewhere else to stay permanently?

owlelf · 02/02/2012 13:24

Ignore my post- sounds like you have it under control. You sound strong and I and many many other posters will be cheering you on.

You are bound to feel tearful, he has turned your world upside down. Take it a day at a time, be kind to yourself and cuddle your gorgeous DS.

kodachrome · 02/02/2012 13:32

You sound like a tower of strength - I know you don't feel like one, but you're doing so well to take control as you are. Right now maybe you need the facade, but do try to accept support and care from your friends so that if you crash they are there.

stabiliser15 · 02/02/2012 13:33

Oh chocoraisin, what a totally shit time you are having. You are so much more strong than you realise. Your DS is lucky to have you and you both just take one day at a time.

MadAboutHotChoc · 02/02/2012 13:48

Yuk, how vile. Definitely get a new bed & bedding and get him to pay for it.

You do sound like in control of the situation. Look after yourself x

LittlePickleHead · 02/02/2012 13:59

Just to add that I am in awe of the strength you are showing. You may not feel like it, but it's true. Your little boy and unborn baby are so lucky to have you.

chinam · 02/02/2012 14:04

You sound like a tower of strength. You know what they say, fake it 'til you feel it. Take care.

Original poster
chocoraisin · 02/02/2012 14:18

thanks everyone. Just left DS with him. :(

I didn't say anything to him, so he doesn't know that I 'know' about using our house as a shagpad yet. It simply leaves me speechless that he acts all sweetness and light, like it's just hunkydory and lovely when he sees me. I was as nice as I could be but I still felt incredibly sad when I drove away and DS looked really upset and confused that mummy wasn't staying to play with daddy.

It's just the fucking lowest of the low and I wish I could spit on him and wail about how cruel and fucking selfish he is, but I can't do anything. Literally anything at all to express myself because it's just not fair on DS. I am trying so hard to hang onto my dignity but I feel it all slipping away from me and I just want to curl up in a ball and sob. I want my precious baby back from the disgusting, self-obsessed cunt. But I can't. I have to share him, for the sake of DS and unborn, I have to let them know their dad. I hope I can trust that one day they will work out for themselves what a lowlife he is. But not for a long time :( if they have to think daddy is marvellous because he plays with them and buys them chicken nuggets twice a week, then that's better for their childhood than knowing mummy hates his lying, cheating guts.

FUCK it's so hard.

OP posts: