how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

you are all right, of course. I think it was just a case of wishful thinking intruding on my normally sane thinking. I wish that it could all just be a bad dream and we could wake up and forget all about him being a tool, but no - it's good that they express their anger. I should be upset. It's not all bloody fine.

I think I just wish it was :(

Early night for me. I'm taking big whacks of codeine now at night to help me sleep through the pain, which isn't helping me retain my good judgement re:H. That, and DS has got a proper chest infection brewing, and I'm starting to wonder about taking him off his preventor, although I know it's too early for this to be a reaction to not having it yet. I'll have to give it a couple more weeks really to properly see how he settles, but tonight he's really coughing. If he gets up and needs a puffer to carry him through for more than a week I'll no doubt be questioning that decision too.

Still, this is just normal parenting stuff I suppose - other than being a bit full of mucous he's still doing pretty bloody well. He went to a 2nd birthday party today and demolished a plateful of jelly practically singlehandedly, plus a slab of chocolate cake and many, many breadsticks. The fruit didn't get a look in! Came home sticky and sandy, weaving around like a drunk man from exhaustion :) it was so lovely to see him have such a fabulous time!

Hi Choco .. my mum has refused to have anything to do with PRCK .. she couldn't stand the way he acted as though everything was fine and as before.. I think your parents have been very tolerant xx

Your blog is great, btw!

I am with the others on this, your parents are being incredibly kind toward your husband.

They are probably from the school of "If you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all" which is better than snide remarks.

I think your parents are being dignified & restrained to avoid losing control & letting him have it with both barrels in front of DS. They also don't want you upset even more by a row. They sound great. He deserves nothing less than a glare from your Mum!! You are doing so well, try not to think about that SH1T & how he feels about ANYTHING!!

lol - don't worry, I am getting over it! Thanks to everyone for reminding me it's ok for him to feel damn uncomfortable. He should!! I can't paper over the cracks and I shouldn't. My parents are incredible, wonderful, patient people - I am so grateful for them. I am exceptionally grateful that my DS will grow up with them as role models now. I had a good chat with mum tonight where I asked her to be more vocal about how she feels - I would rather hear it, than just feel it. I'm making all these decisions about how often H visits DS etc, but it's their home. It's not just about me/h/DS. They have a right to an opinion, and I would rather hear it than guess what it is. If I get upset, it's not because of them - it's because of him. And this is one of those situations where it's definitely better out than in. Dignified silence only gets you so far... sometimes all of us need to rant and rave let off a bit of steam.

Your parents sound lovely Choco. And yes, they can express to you how they feel, that is fine. But better they dont snipe at STBX (stupidbastardx) its not worth it - and will just give him ammunition when you and they have the moral high ground.

He is a shithead.

Hi . I stumbled onto mumsnet by accident, looking for some info for a friend. I've just read though your story and my heart goes put to you. 12 years ago I decided enough was enough with my weak, selfish, cheating X. I have learned since then that that I am way more capable, strong and just downright brilliant without him, and you are too. My 2 DS are now fab young men, with good lives, good morals & good hearts - and I take pride in that. Yours will be too, and it will be because of you. I am happily remarried, your story and my memories only make me appreciate all over again what I now have. You will find one day that not only is the past a different country, but often it all feels like it happened to a different person.

I also think you should write, you have a talent for expressing events and emotions. And your blog is an excellent starting point.
I wish you all the luck in the world, although I don't think you'll need it. Something tells me you are going to be just fine :)

What a lovely post MaBumble .. and welcome!! :)

hello MaBumble :) thank you for such a lovely encouraging post! Nothing is more encouraging than knowing that others have come through these trials and done a bloody fab job. It helps me believe that everything is possible. Thank you so much for saying that about my writing too it's something I kind of always wanted to do but I've never really tried. I guess the blog is the right motivation - I've finally got something worth writing about (although lets face it, I could've lived without that!!)

H has finally asked to spend more time with DS. Trouble is, he wants him for the three days Good Friday - Sunday (not overnight, just the daytimes) and hasn't considered that me and my family might want to celebrate Easter with him too!! As Friday pm and Saturday pm are 'his days' I've said no to Sunday, but suggested he takes him out for the whole day on Saturday. I'd only really just got used to him seeing DS for those two afternoons... I know it's important they build up to more time, but right now I feel resentful as hell.

I guess this kind of thing gets easier in time :( splitting up holidays and birthdays and stuff was one of the things that just made my blood run cold when I realised it was over. It hurts me terribly to miss things I thought we'd share. I know DS won't know any different, so this is all about me and what I'll miss out on, but I can't help it. I really loathe him for making me give up special moments with my boys for him. It just makes me feel sick and cheated all over again

Morning Choco

Yes I know where you are coming from .. STBX has DD7 on Christmas eve overnight this year .. may be the last year she believes as well .. I will have her on Christmas day as he is working.. it is really hard :(

:( :( :( :(

Hi LW :( its hard and hurtful. I wish I had something positive to say but right now I just feel mad and upset about it. It's not fair that they get to lie and screw us around and leave their kids up shit creek then play 'great daddy' when it's time to hand out chocolate and presents. I know that's not what makes a good parent, but it still makes me furious and hurt. Try not to worry about Christmas yet if you can it's a long way off... stupidbastardexH actually told me he wants to do the boys 'Christmas' on HIS birthday in Jan. From one extreme to the other... he doesn't want to spend xmas with them at all, even though it would be DS2's first one!!! I imagine it's because he'd rather go to Egypt for his winter holiday (he's been banging on about that one for years, despite me being pregnant or having a 5 month old baby, etc). Every which way you look at it, it's all about meeting his needs, not theirs. GRRRRR.

Ladies, they will get their cumeuppance.

My DD1's dad was like this after the split (when she was 2) ie self motivated.

By the time she was 14 and had fitted in around his plans for a few years, she quite naturally paid him back in kind eg fitted him in when convenient and she wasnt busy.

Because, I suppose, that it what he had taught her by example.

And he had the nerve to get his gf to moan to her about poor neglected daddy.

You're right Choco .. he might have a massive coronary and die before then ...

Your Ex if a selfish bastard isn't he?? Let's move Christmas to suit me ... But then at least you will be able to have them without having to see him!

Hi Fiventhree I can see that will happen in the future - he's always full of good itentions that never come to fruition - I'm just hoping he doesn't let DD down too much xx

Aww, that was a cracking introductory post, MaBumble - and a jolly nice vision for Choco, too. Welcome to MN :) We are a shrieking nest of vipers, as you can see.

Choco, it is so unfair. And so hard. I can't even begin to imagine it. BUT I think they will indeed get their comeuppance. Children aren't stupid.

Choco your latest blog is amazing!! :-)

Bearhunts and New Beginnings for those that need the link

xx

Yes my ex suits himself. He sees DD only 2 nights a month, one of which happens to be Easter Saturday. I said, we'd like to have a few days away over Easter so would you like her thurs night or fri morning to Monday night seeing as its Easter? No was the response - I have plans fri/sat & Monday so I'll pick her up Saturday night at 7pm to sunday afternoon as usual. Errr no - we're not staying here all weekend for that! Off to the seaside we go - yippee!! He's now sulking poor baby!! Saying NO is ok.

thanks for the encouragement lovely people. I feel ok tonight, I am trying not to project too much into the future and worry about what might happen :( I guess it just feels like a very long time before he'll get any kind of comeuppance at all. Last night when we spoke he'd not bothered replying to my text (which was a reply to a question he had asked, so really rude) because he'd been driving back from OW's and 'forgot'.

It's such a kick in the teeth every time. I just despair sometimes.

I can only hang onto the beautiful boy I've been raising in the meantime, and know it's me he calls for every morning (hollers for more like!) and me he runs to every day when he needs something. For today, I'm doing a good job. We're ok. Beyond today is none of my business yet... so much easier to say than feel.

Time to whip up some more fake it till you make it enthusiasm methinks!

LW - thank you!! still feels a little odd that people would read my thoughts on a blog. Somehow more odd than me putting them out on here! But it's really nice to know that you don't think it's utter tripe and waffle lol :) It's a big step for me to remind myself of the good stuff, to rise above it all... and put myself out there a bit at the same time! It's helping me build my confidence back a bit. It really means a lot to think that people are there cheering me on :) xx

Chocoraisin - I love, love, love your blog! :)
You show so much dignity in this situation. I am full of admiration for you. I noticed that this thread is at 945 messages.... It will stop after 1000, so I do hope you start a new one to continue.

Hello Choco hope it is still lovely where you are :)

Your blog has struck a real chord with me .. I keep thinking about the fact that you said that no one else can make me happy .. I can only make myself happy .. such a simple truth

Thank you for that xx

Hi choco- hope ur doing well I'm loving your new blog- u write so beautifully I feel like in right there going through everything with you x x

hello, and good evening all you gorgeous ladies :) thank you so much, I'm really enjoying writing it and it's making me think about things in a really positive way too. I'm so glad you got something out of that post LW I feel like I'm not just writing it for me but for every woman (and man!) who has been let down by someone they love, who was supposed to be there for them. I know we can and will rise above it.

I've had a good afternoon in the sunshine with my little man, we went to play with some of our new friends today while the weather was so fab. I feel like we're building a little life together here, bit by bit, which feels great :)

Unfortunately I spent the morning in bed, and I've had to up my codeine now for my SPD. I'm getting by on about 15mg every six hours, but without it I can't walk properly now. I'm only 25 weeks... it's going to be another long pregnancy. If I up the meds more later, I won't be able to drive due to the sleepy feeling they give me. I have a lovely side effect where I get raging nightmares on codeine too (last night it was H having a crippling motorbike accident on his way to visit DS) which is fun fun fun... hmm, shall I wake up all night because my ladybits hurt, or because I'm freaking out at some imaginary gorefest in my head tonight? Choices...

I take solace in knowing it passes. God knows how people live with chronic pain conditions that never resolve - it doesn't bear thinking about!

DS is randomly shouting 'mummy' across the hall at me, hoping I'll get him up again. I won't, partly because I know he's trying it on, and partly because I can't lift him up and down all evening any more. Humbug.

patience I probably will start another thread, although I might just up sticks to the blog altogether, I'm not sure. I will miss the general nattering over here if I do though!

Oh please please do start another...

MMM - batter - toad in the hole... I do love a good yorkshire!

oooh alright then, I'll do it lol