how could he :(

[chocoraisin]

I've just come 'home' after staying with my parents for a month, having found out about the OW the week after NY. I'm 17 weeks pg, with an 18mo DS.

So I'm back at the place I have shared with H for nearly 4 years, and our neighbours (who are lovely and devastated on mine and DS's behalf) brought me pizza for tea to be supportive. I stupidly asked them if she had been seen here. H has sworn blind he wouldn't do anything in our home. I know I shouldn't have asked, think I was stupid enough to be looking for reassurance.

Apparently they regularly see her leaving in the morning in the month I've been away. AND heard them having sex. My neighbour could have sugar coated it, but to be fair, I asked and she was so embarrassed and upset for me I know it was one of those 'oh god she put me on the spot, crap I'll just blurt it out' moments, not said to hurt me.

We share a one bed flat. He has had sex with her in our bed. Next to our sons cot. Below our wedding photo on the wall. And she knows I'm pregnant.

How could he? Never mind what kind of a skank she must be to be ok with that. He has been texting/calling this month acting like we can be instant best friends... and perfect 'coparents'... but my trust in him is shattered. I hate the thought of being near him. I literally feel sick about having no option but to sleep in that bed tonight.

I don't know what to do :( I just need some hand holding tonight please.

To top it off, DS is exhausted but after a month away won't settle in his cot and just shrieks when I put him down so I'm looking at another long, broken night. 'Daddy' is due to visit tomorrow for his contact time.

I can't believe what's happened to my life :(

Are you on your own choco? Is there someone you can call to be with you in RL? A friend or your mum perhaps.

Someone you can sob to and get hugs from, who will make you cups of tea and look after you until you're ready to go to bed and get some much needed rest.

Then as Bodmin says tomorrow is another day.

I'm on my own, mum is away working til weds night. Just me and DS. Have bathed him with tears running down my face and can't seem to hide it tonight. I just don't want him to see me like this. I don't know how to just pull myself together :( I wish there was someone, anyone in RL i could call right now. I feel so very lonely tonight.

Oh choco, it has been a crappy day for you, hasn't it?

Tomorrow will be different, a new day and a better one. It's good that you are processing these feelings, it's good that you are articulating the anger and hurt you feel about how he's treated you. You're allowed to be angry! You're allowed to be hurt! It does sound like he was quite horrible for quite a long time, and it also sounds like you are a very upbeat person who tries to put the best face on things. But there are some things that are just shit, and the end of this marriage is one of them. You can hate him, hate who he is and what he's done, and grieve for what you've lost all at the same time. It makes perfect sense.

I'm so sorry it's been such a shitty day. I'll be here for a couple more hours, you're not alone-alone, if computer-based-company is any support, I want you to know that I think you've been so brave today, and you're being such a lovely Mum to your DS. He's a lucky little boy.

thank you. I need to not be totally alone tonight :(

DS is watching Waybuloo. I feel like such a bad mummy tonight hiding behind the laptop crying. Which he keeps trying to grab and say Daddy to because we skyped with H last night

I don't know if this helps but I will tell you something that helped me when my mum died.

I was told by a lovely woman that I shouldn't try to stop the tears. She said that every time something awful happens to us we need to let it go so that we can heal and crying is an essential part of that process. She told me that there is just a certain amount of crying you simply have to do otherwise the pain and grief eat you up from the inside. There are no short cuts, and nobody can do your crying for you. It may make you feel worse at the time but every tear is a little release and a step closer to acceptance.

We are here for you

thank you, it does help.

I wish I knew how many tears I need to cry for my marriage. I know you're right, crying is healing. I know I've been told before that crying is good for you, but I guess it's just something you don't want to do... until it happens regardless.

I don't want to be crying inside any more and carrying it around in my heart though. It fucking hurts. To be cheated on, lied to, left with babies on your own - of course it hurts. I don't want to have to be this strong, and I don't want to have to do it on my own, I want a hug, I want help, I want the only other person in the world who should love him as much as me to help me tuck my baby in at night. I don't want DS to have to come and cuddle me and pat my back and wipe my tears before he's even two years old. I feel completely bereft... all I wanted H to say today was that he was sorry. I didn't need anything else. Just for him to be sorry.

I hurt because he isn't sorry. He doesn't feel responsible for what he's done. He sees me as the reason why he's been 'forced' from his family (into her arms) and I wish I hadn't wanted that apology so badly. It won't ever come, I can see that now.

My SIL told me I'd be a stronger but harder person from all of this. I didn't want to be harder, I liked how I was already. But I guess you can't go through all this and be unchanged can you? I can't ever be as hopeful and naive as I was before. Whether I like it or not this is changing me :( and change always hurts.

Oh dear - have just read Bodmin's post and he sounds even worse - such a nasty, abusive, vile and selfish man.

As for the tears - it will do you good to let it all out as you have been so brave, dignified and reasonable all this time. Start again tomorrow x

((choco)) sending you all the strength in the world lovely lady

My heart goes out to you X

sorry I meant to say Bodmin of course it's ok to be reminded about all the vile things he did, you didn't upset me, STBXH did, don't feel bad x

Oh choco, there are lots of kinds of 'harder', you know. There's the harder which is being all brittle on top and then sort of smooshy and wounded underneath, and I think that tends to happen when people don't let themselves cry enough and soldier on and perhaps just need to give themselves time and permission to grieve, then heal steadily.

Then there's the harder which is because you've been refined and improved, like a metal. Tempered - yes, harder because stronger. Maybe not naive but definitely still hopeful, because hope is powerful and people who've been tempered know about being powerful. I think this painful process is going to result in a person who is astonished not at other people's fecklessness but at her own strength.

My heart goes out to you, too. It's not fair what's happened, but you can, and will, do all of this and get through it.

I don't think you have to end up harder because of all of this. Of course you will change. We are all changed by our experiences but we do have some control over how we allow that change to manifest itself.

I feel so, so sure that when things settle down for you, after the new baby is here, you will make the most fantastic life coach. All of these experiences will make you more understanding and insightful in a way that you could not be without having been through such an awful time.

Oh choco.

Agree with the others, there is nothing to be gained through dialogue with this man.

From the info bodmin has shared it also sounds as though he was/is emotionally abusive to you, from well before the affair etc. And given the chance will likely continue to be: he seems to be "gaslighting" you by text / email at the moment. Posters on here normally advise avoiding dialogue / counselling with abusive people because it can just lead to further shit from them.

You are a loveable, wonderful, person and parent. He was / is the problem. Please don't doubt yourself.

Oh choco . Your situation is beyond awful. I don't have personal experience of this myself but do have a friend who is going through it. From what she has told me her total twunt of stbxh has also tried to paint her as the bad guy while the truth is he is a pathetic little manchild who couldn't keep his cock in his pants. He also pulled the if you had been a better wife crap where as in truth she was practically like something out of the 1950s. The truth is - and my friend is slowly coming round to this - there is no such thing as a perfect wife and he was FAR from a perfect husband. I agree with the others. You need someone to give you a big hug, take the phone out of your hand and replace it with a wine glass\bar of chocolate and let you get it out in RL. He will never acknowledge your points as valid as that would mean challenging the version of events he's cooked up to justify HIS actions HIS behaviour. You do not deserve this. Also it is not your responsibility to make sure he has a good relationship with both his sons that's all him. You are truly an amazing woman and mother.

thank you so much everybody. I feel a bit better. I'm less snotty/sobby now anyway! I rang my best friend from London and had a good old cry down the phone. It's not quite a RL friend to hand me chocolate but it really helped to just talk to someone who loves me. She pointed out that not a single word out of his mouth carries any weight with anyone who has the emotional distance I lack.

Who cares about why he had an affair? (her basic point). He had an affair and left his pregnant wife - pretty much speaks for itself. There's nothing else to say, and he can try and gaslight (Dozer you are so right on that one) as much as he likes, the facts don't change.

Blackcurrants and AreWe I see what you mean about harder. I think it's probably better to think 'powerful/strong/resilient' instead of hard.

Thank you for the you may all be pleased to know I have discovered a family size bar of galaxy in the cupboard now that DS has gone to bed, and am about to see how much of it I can find a new home for... xx

Your friend sounds lovely and wise. I'm glad she was there tonight

Glad you spoke to your RL friend on phone, she sounds great, as does the chocolate. Tomorrow is a new day.

Glad you are feeling a bit better... remember 'crazy and deluded' for tomorrow though . ebjoythe chocolate xx

Sorry to hear uv had a heavy day - uv been so strong- put today behind you and tomorrow's a new day! Keep reminding yourself YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG!!!!! He has lost out and the selfish prick will soon realise this - too late x

Please stop contacting him. He's a selfish shit so don't bother lowering yourself to his level of conversation.

His world revolves around him, it always has done and it always will do. He gets to live with some slut who goes with married men, you get a second chance to have a great life with two babies who will know in time that you'll always do the right thing by them.
You may not feel it now, but you really have dodged a bullet.

Wow Choco I think you are bloody amazing!!! Your Dc's have an amazing mum
I have spent a few hours ploughing through your thread with a few tears and several OMG! Its like reading my own diary except my 2 were at school when he left me.
My entire life with him was re written, I think its pretty common;helps them justify their misappropriation of the penis to anyone stupid enough to listen

My ex has a rather fetching name on my phone (twatface) so when it comes up with a text/call from him I cannot help but laugh out loud, always makes me sound singsongy when I answer rather than the "omg its been years and I still want to twat you round the head with me handbag"

I think I'd like your friend, she's talked a lot of sense tonight.
More power to you, Choco, keep on reaching out to people, keep on finding support, and keep on being brilliant, as you are. I hope you have a great Wednesday :)

Choco this is all really tough, isn't it? What a pathetic little snivelling liar he is. Of course he has to set up a narrative where you were drifting apart, leading separate lives and he bravely set you free. His deludedness does not diminish the love and hopes you put into your marriage. It is normal and healthy to grieve for the loss of that love and those hopes. Probably a good idea to hit an emotional trough now before DS2 comes so that you can release some of these feelings before you get into the intensity of the new baby.
Every word you write here illustrates you as a thoughtful, insightful, empathetic and funny person with enormous integrity. That is who you are and his inadequacy can not touch or tarnish that.
Now- how is that chocolate supply?

One of my friends posted a photo on facebook which I think is relevant here. It is a badge and says
Sorry. My fault. I forgot you were an idiot.

thank you all for helping me pick myself up today :)

I'm seriously thinking about starting an anonymous blog (thanks for the suggestion, sorry I've forgotten which of you it was )to help me collect my thoughts as I go on this journey. I think it will really help me see how far I've come, and being the modern gal I am, I quite like being able to share the journey.

I can hardly believe how helpful this thread has been in all the worst bits, and before I fall off the end of it I'll make up my mind about the blog. If I do it, I'll post a link so anyone who feels like it can pop along and see how I'm doing. If I don't I'll probably clog up MN with another thread just so I don't have to say goodbye to all the hand-holding!

I feel so much better today, which (lets face it) isn't hard. No more tears/tantrums I promise! (Until the next time). I just need to push on forwards again and make sure I focus on the positives. So, for today, the sun is shining, DS is a squishy squashy bundle of giggly love, and DS2 is wriggling around like a trooper. We're going to be ok.

(((hugs)))