Anyone seen the new MN section on surviving an affair?

[Dozer]

The info on there does not accord with the advice oft given on here.

I don't like it, smacks of pleasing-your-man.

I do very much agree Santa. As I said earlier, it bothers, even confuses me, hugely that it got to be on the Mumsnet homepage at all.

Can I just say...

Yes, it is a symptom
Yes, there is underlying reason

It's because he's a cheat.

You know what, having an affair being a symptom of problems in a marriage, is akin to saying that punching someone is a symptom of being angry.

Well yes, either statement may or may not be true, but if we take for a moment the position that it's true, neither is the correct way to deal with the cause, is it?

It is an incredibly dishonest way of framing something IMO. It's a symptom that someone is unwilling or unable to communicate with their partner, as someone said, ooh, ages ago now and for someone on a parenting site to think it's OK advice, is just really sub-standard. It really is. It's the sort of thing I'd expect Pamela Stephens to come out with. It's embarrassingly crass and stupid. And I expect we'll see more of it in the future, as MN takes on more staff and sells more advertising and makes more money and more people are let loose on sensitive topics without a fucking clue.

Harumph.

Should that be Pamela Stephenson? Anyway you know who I mean, that woman on the guardian who is married to Billy Connolly and gives piss-poor advice

Stephenson

or Anderson ?

you decide...

AF. I was more worried about the very short. I usually agree witheither you or hully

akin to saying that punching someone is a symptom of being angry

Oh, I do like that, Basil. Except that the same relationship 'expert' would probably say you should just be a nicer wife to avoid being punched by your husband ...

That aside, how about some other similes? It's like stealing a car is a symptom of being fed up with your old car. Like setting fire to the house is a symptom of feeling a bit chilly?

....Killing your boss because you don't like your current assignment

raping someone is a symptom of unmet sexual desires? sounds about on a par. both put men's 'needs' on some kind of pedestal as oh so important that they simply have to be met.

putting your children in the freezer because they were making too much noise and your need for peace wasn't being met.

Don't wait. Affair-proof your marriage.

How to strengthen your marriage

It all comes down to one basic thing: connection. The more you can connect with your partner, and enjoy that connection, the stronger your marriage will be:

?If the passion has ebbed out of your relationship, try to put it back. Plan a weekend away with just your partner. Think of him (or her) as your affair. Relish the fact that you're away from your kids, and your messy house, and you can go back to being the close lovers you once were.
?Have a date at an unusual time - meet for lunch, or take a day off work to do something you enjoy together while the children are at school.
?Think about taking up a hobby you can enjoy together, such as dancing or rock-climbing.
?Think back to something you used to enjoy doing together - going to the cinema, perhaps - and try to do it again.
?Take an interest in some part of your partner's life that you've not engaged with, their work, football team or whatever. Don't look for a quid pro quo or assume that he (or she) has to make the first move: concentrate for the moment on what you can do to bring the two of you closer.

Love this
Are men so delicate that a few years of childrearing that gets in the way of rock climbing would send him into the arms of another.
Hope that's not the case with my DH, but if it was it would be his loss I'd be looking for a stronger character.

i'm actually laughing at the idea of affair proofing it's so ridiculous.

i'd say step one was marry someone with a backbone, some integrity and decency and communication skills. any man who thinks the way to deal with a marriage problem is to have sex with someone else is not marriage material. not material that i'd want anyway.

surely that advice should be to the person contemplating adultery not to someone trying to prevent it as if it is some inevitable unless you stop it happening.

surely that advice should be to the person contemplating adultery

That's it in a nutshell, isn't it?

MNHQ - you can do better than this. As someone else said (sorry, I have Friday-brain and can't retain a thing), MN has a platform and a profile to be different than almost all other stuff aimed at women. More challenging, thought-provoking and, yes, intelligent. But you can't do that by not paying attention and coming out with poorly researched, trite SEO-fodder.

agreed. you also have a unique position of representation of women's voices and reality and this is a complete misuse of that. i don't understand using a space predominated by women and run by women to bash women and put the onus on them to stop their husbands from cheating or to blame themselves if they do. that's actually offensive. surely there's some kind of moral or social responsibility here? or has that gone out the window?

Quite Santa.

It talks about affairs, as if they are like the rain, or damp or something - something that might happen as some kind of natural force, rather than an active choice made by the participants.

And this onus this shit puts on women to affair-proof the relationships - once again, women are expected to be the ones who work on the relationship, who ensure that men don't stray. What advice is up there for men or women thinking of having an affair?

It's incredible that such shit can get published. I'm even more incredulous now than I was a few hours ago. It doesn't get any better. It gets worse.

Hello. Haven't seen you about. How are you?

I agree that there is no way to avoid an affair. If he is a fuckwit, who wants to cheat, then he will stay a fuckwit no matter what his wife/partner does.

You cant affair proof your relationship by rock climbing FFS - but you could dump the fucker from a great height if he chooses to stray!

Yeah but look... I can't stress this strongly enough... they put a quote from me, with my name under it, in a little blue box like it was all important. So, like the curate's egg, parts of it may be rotten but other parts are brilliant.

oh, yes. Annie's comment should stay. It is utterly brilliant.

what was the quote annie ?

I am currently eating my judgypants, and find them sticking in my throat. Regards this very topic.
Bil brought a woman to our flat today. Introduced her to our daughter as his new girlfriend. Bil is very much in love, and she is married. He is romatic young sillybilly, and of course he did not think we would find it awkward.

yeah just delete the rest and leave annie's quote - what was it?? i can't bear to look again.

you've just reminded me that i have a twitter account that i haven't looked at in eons. it scares me because i just get an epic list of tweets i've missed and no way of knowing if they were to me or important or..... i'm sure there are probably ways round it.

i think we could add elastamum's advise to - how to survive adultery - take the fucker rock climbing and dump him from a great height

And as I am a rcok climber, I will even add a little 'how to' diagram if you like

rock

If I do a diagram - do you think I can get a little blue box like Annies. Perhaps we could add a new section called fun things to do with your bastard cheating H!