Anyone seen the new MN section on surviving an affair?

[Dozer]

The info on there does not accord with the advice oft given on here.

I don't like it, smacks of pleasing-your-man.

Higgle you do come across as very smug. I think many if not most of us whose spouse had an affair didn't see it coming. But well done you for being such a great communicator etc. You seem to be saying that because you know of 3 cases where you blame the cheated-upon spouse (nice) that proves that people who have an affair are justified in doing so. There is never a justification for cheating - I think Santa set it out so clearly and succinctly.

MNHQ seem very distanced from the whole 'article' like it just appeared there without having been checked, which is a very odd way to run things. Even a rudimentary check of the relationships board would suggest it's not the majority opinion or the sort of advice and support given out on here (thank goodness)

The article linked to a few posts ago (sorry forgotten by whom) by the author of 'private lies' (a good book IMO) was spot on I think. I read many books on affairs after being cheated on and none of those echoed the crass MN 'advice' in that article.

Hello,

This is just to let you know that we think we've now nuked all the links to 'Is it ever OK to have an affair?' - do let us know if we've missed any.

Thanks
MNHQ

Sorry, Pennypencil, I really don't have much by way of views on this subject at all - I decided to have a look at the thread because it came up under "last 15 minutes" so many times. I'm in my 50's and not a very emotional sort of person, so over the years I've been rather surprised when people that I know or where I work have spoken about their marital situations in such detail.

I did consider it rather rude and inappropriate when I was asked how many affairs I'd had as I've never had any interest in any man other than my DH since we married ( though had lots of boyfriends before) It is no good if people on here are critical of each other's honestly held and given views.

It makes me quite sad when when sometimes I feel people can't express a view or opinion that goes contrary to the MN "norm" without unpleasant comments back. Yes, my DH and I do talk about anything and everything together, I hadn't had any thought that this might have had any benefits so far as fidelity was concerned before someone raised it on here.

I'm sure they do. But I'm not too interested in the situation as it affects me as at 56 and seeming to be quite content I don't think my DH is up to anything. It would be a sad world if we all felt we had to be suspicious all the time.

Higgle I think you mean well, but you are getting it quite wrong here

I post a lot on the Relationships board and try to support women who have experienced infidelity. I speak very rarely about my own relationship for a very good reason. Although sometimes illustrating how a good relationship works can be helpful for people who have moved on and need reassurance that there are good men out there (and there are..), at the beginning of their journey it is counterproductive and can make someone feel even more shit than they already do.

I am sure your H is a model husband, higgle , but since you have given some of your examples, let me give you one of mine.

My friend's husband left her for the local barmaid a few years ago. He was 62 and previously the model of contented bloke. So, it's always best not to get too complacent.

I didn't post on here to say anything at all about my own relationshipp!!!!

But when some unpleasant person rsponded to my views by saying "How many affairs have you had?" I felt it appropriate to say something. In view of the flack I've got from saying the truth about that I'm now going to look back through and report whoever posted it. I can't help having a fairly pleasant happy life!

I'm going now, have reported Saphirefling for suggesting I'm a multiple adultress. If, at some future point DH or I do get the hots for someone else we will just have to face the problem when it arises, not now!!

yay for all links deleted - still wondering how the hell it made it to print though and how mnhq can act as if it was nothing to do with them

AF - do let me know where those good men are (so long as they're good looking, intelligent and good in bed too - oh and not the type to resolve their relationship problems by shagging someone else).

ds told me i have to get a man and marry him today.

it might be a bit of a stretch to get one to you by the end of today, santa

I had one visiting from the US over Xmas (as he does every year)

the flight from Connecticut would get him in at about 2am

santa you've only got a few hours left so good luck

higgle fair enough, it is genuinely good to know there are great functional relationships out there, but really there are those of us who genuinely thought that's what we had, with a hitherto seemingly nice and caring bloke, who were truly knocked for six by an affair. It is IME often the quiet and steady seeming types who no-one would expect to do it and who seem to everyone including their spouse as the devoted family man or woman.

Glad to see MNHQ addressing the issue. Ultimately all of the advice and different viewpoints on here are invaluable to someone going through it- relationships is a very supportive forum and it would be a real pity if newcomers got a very different impression from some generic 'advice' which ultimately must have materialised from somewhere in the first place but who knows where

x-post I see AF is already onto it

i did try to explain it wasn't quite that simple i see i've missed my deadline.

ds once got very angry with me for not bagging the young spanish guy he fell in love with on holiday - i got a long lecture on how i should smile and be nice to him because then he could marry me and come and live with us. guy was about 20.

was actually quite heartbreaking. boy wants a daddy, boy doesn't understand why i don't just 'get' one.

tangent.

very pleased the links have gone and hope lessons have been learnt.

@SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan

yay for all links deleted - still wondering how the hell it made it to print though and how mnhq can act as if it was nothing to do with them

I don't think we have, to be fair. I've apologised and said I take full responsibility for this cock-up. This was an error of editorial judgement and the lesson we've learned going forward is that more eyeballs need to see content before it's published.

Glad I missed this until now. Am and saddened by what I've read on this thread. Can't believe that MNHQ took the Stepford 1950's attitude to affairs - glad it's changed now - but really, it's a foolhardy attempt in the first place.

People think that MNers first response in any case of adultery is "Leave the bastard" - but actually it isn't always. MOST people read and take each OP on a case-by-case basis and offer advice accordingly. Much depends on the actions of the adulterer - and their emotional state after discovery, what they do about it then etc. So blanket advice is, necessarily, bollocks - because not every affair is the same (although they are all bad) - there are too many confounding factors.

My advice would be to take the advice down altogether and just leave links to the various organisations who are dedicated to dealing with these situations (and even they don't always get it right but they at least have more practice).

I'm surprised and saddened that this hasn't either been taken down completely, or sent for a complete re-write.

There are still very damaging messages on there, including the implication that someone can prevent their partners having emotional affairs. As soon as you suggest that someone can take preventive action against someone else's behaviour, it implies that the inactive person is at fault if the behaviour occurs. Very similar to victim-blaming in rapes, actually.

There is still dialogue and quotes about men and women behaving differently, which is only intellectually valid if there is a societal context included. In the space allowed, it's therefore best to avoid such distinctions.

I was also surprised that as this was meant to be based on the collective wisdom of this board, the Signs of an Affair didn't include a partner saying: "I love you but I'm not in love with you" which seems to be the first red flag in so many 'affair unveiling' threads on this board and more than any other bit of info from the OP, leads to so many posters suspecting an affair.

I also think it should be completely taken down. The one bit of good advice was to start your own thread in the relationships section - as Thumbwitch says, although there may often be a "script" that affairs follow (which isn't mentioned), there's nothing like dealing with individual circumstances and people. A few bullet points on a web page are likely to do more harm than good.

If it does stay up, I agree with Charbon that there could be SO much more info - for me, one of the biggest red flags was H withdrawing physically and emotionally from our relationship. As well as being late all the time, secretive with his phone etc.

Could you
A) take it down, or
B) get WWIFN to rewrite it (if she's still around in any form), or
C) have the person who IS responsible for it to have a look through Solost's theads - three long ones from the end of 2010. Just the most amazing amount of advice on there, if you want to do it properly that is.

so it is still up? i read it as it had been taken down but presumably just the internal links to it then? confused. if they've agreed it was bad copy and an judgement error why is it still up?

santa, much of it has been changed from what I read at the beginning of this thread, some sections have been removed - but it's still there.

i don't understand what the 'we have removed all links' means then? if it's deemed too much of a boob to link to why would it still be there? i'm lost thumb!

I think they had lots of internal links between the different sections, so even though the "top" link to a section called "Is it ever ok to have an affair?" was initially removed, other pages still had a link to it; but now those have all (hopefully) been removed as well. That's what they're on about :)

but it's still there?