Anyone seen the new MN section on surviving an affair?

[Dozer]

The info on there does not accord with the advice oft given on here.

I don't like it, smacks of pleasing-your-man.

Hideous. Just hideous. Advice that made me feel crappy.

Surviving an affair can also involve picking up your self respect and leaving the bastard! Even though I didn't choose that route. Surprised that a MN guide didn't contain that piece of advice

Victims of affairs can also be men.

In my case my 'D'H had a sporadic physical affair from when DC1 was 6 weeks old (allegedly) right up to me being 7 months pregnant with DC2. They were still in contact right up until he told me when DC3 was 5 weeks old. I was working full time, supporting him getting retrained at university 100s of miles away.

I may not have been meeting his needs - but that was entirely his choice. He could have just come the fuck home. And what about my needs? Grrrrrrrrr.

The recent fiasco over the bloggers' network promotion springs to mind too. I think it's a consequence of expansion: they are over-stretching themselves trying to innovate and make the site more profitable, so they end up having to delegate a lot of gruntwork to new staff who don't really have a good enough understanding of the users. It's counter-productive to an interesting and unique parenting site though, because the more of these "cock-ups" there are, the more the regular MNers who give the site its flavour will get disgruntled and leave, the result being that you are left with a site full of exactly the same kind of users as netmums and bounty, and no reason to be seen as the go-to place on the web by the media and think tanks.

Own goal, in the end, I think.

The only slight flaw with that Boffy is that none of us leave, it's far more fun to hang about and point out all their mistakes and wrongdoings...

Absolutely right I think LeBOF. Great shame.

This is true. I do enjoy a grumble.

Yeah, first the convict's wife blog, now this. Way to ruin your brand, MN.

If the people writing the editorial don't really understand the site or its users, the content ends up taking on unfortunate shades of Private Eye's Polly Filler.

Convict's wife's blog?

I await with interest the new Mumsnet Guide To Style And Beauty- can we expect teaming pieces from your capsule wardrobe, references to a classic trouser and nautical is nice for spring?

Well we are a much bigger team doing quite a lot of different things now and mistakes will happen. Sometimes that's about poor procedure, sometimes error of judgement. ( Either way I take full responsibility.) I do think some errors are inevitable tbh and the important thing is that we fess up and respond quickly to put them right which I think on the whole we do. I do broadly see most things we do as a work in progress. Everything is likely to be improved by a bit of mn scrutiny but In this instance we undoubtedly should have done better prior to publication and I apologize to anyone who was unduly angered/upset by reading it yesterday/this morning.

Now, no matter how new or out-of-touch with MN the people writing the editorial are, you only need to click on one Relationship thread to realise that first point was nothing like the advice you get here. You don't need hundreds of hours of research to know/see that.

What will be the official stance on a white linen trouser, though, Justine? It's a minefield...

Crossposted with Justine.

This does beg the question as to why MN editorial feels qualified to give advice like this at all. The discussion boards are caveated 'Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site.' We all expect a range of informed and ill-informed lay advice from discussion boards generally - it's part of being open to all and people understand that. But MN editorial could be interpreted as more 'legitimate' and 'official' and as such, I feel it's in a morally dubious position offering advice on how to survive an affair without it being authored by someone suitably qualified and/or informed.

I am an ex-OW (yes, women have affairs too) who has posted fairly frequently on various infidelity threads, both to posters who have, or are thinking about, having an affair, and also to posters who's DH/DW/DP have had an affair, and I am shocked at what has been written in this 'advice' section, particularly since there are quotes from Mnetters dotted about which make the whole thing seem like it's a summary of the advice given on the Relationships thread, when in fact it couldn't be further from the truth.

Although the first part has been removed the Emotional Affair section still has content about weaknesses and problems in marriage, and the Is it ever OK? section has loads of content about an affair being indicative of relationship problems and how to 'affair-proof' your marriage

I know there are some posters who believe that all affairs are symptomatic of an unhappy marriage, but there are many many threads on here, and many many posters (both betrayed and betrayers) who know from their own experience that this is just not true, and that many affairs happen through opportunity and a sense of self-entitlement and/or low self-esteem on the part of the betraying partner. To have an advice page which skates over this, apart from a throwaway line about having your cake and eating it, is harmful to all parties, and does not reflect the advice given on the Relationship board.

Furthermore, moving on from an affair is never easy, and to see all the work that some posters have done in helping DW recognise that they did nothing wrong, or to see the work that I have done on myself as an OW to affair-proof myself completely ignored on a so-called 'support' section of MN makes me very angry.

If you want help with the rewrite that so clearly needs to be done then ask those of us who have actually experienced infidelty (from both POV). I'm sure we could do a better job.

And at the risk of raising a few hackles - how about some support for OW/OM too?

Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling
but MNHQ do? Better to leave those seeking advice to pick through the responses to their individual thread

Hmm, I do get why this editorial was written - there are similar editorials for other areas of the site, taken from the "wisdom" of MNetters.

And I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing, but it is very difficult to distil thousands of Relationship threads into a one page summary.

The basics are good - the links to domestic violence helplines etc and Mumsnet is very googleable - if you google "Surviving an affair" then MN is on the first page.

(tune) Mumsnet we love you, we do, we do

I think you probably need to have a look at your induction procedures, MN.

Any new staff who are going to be let loose on anything that will be available publicly to read, should be given proper intensive training on the minefield issues like affairs, domestic violence, rape, breastfeeding, formula feeding, emotional abuse, vaccination, etc.

At the moment, you've very obviously got staff who don't really have a clue what this website is like. So how on earth can they promote the MN brand effectively, when they have no idea what goes on here?

But it's not even about an MN 'brand' is it?

I mean, it was just patronising sexist rubbish whoever was 'promoting' it.

I cannot believe anyone with eyeballs would have in any way thought any of it was OK.

I just don't understand why whoever wrote it didn't stop after the third word and think 'woah. wtf am I ACTUALLY WRITING'

i think its maybe a bit dangerous to cover such a topic on an ' one size fits all' type approach as well.

Imagine a woman, whos life has just collapsed around her, how desolate and wretched she feels, to have those words written by such a trusted web site. It could really push you over the edge and do lots more damage.

My ex husband had countless affairs. Noone of them were my fault, non were symptoms of anything i had done.. and i could not have done anything to prevent them. each time i tried to be more perfect, to do more, to give more, to be more, he just did it again.
The problem was he couldnt keep it in his pants and liked to have lots of sex with other women.

It took YEARS for me to get my head around this. YEARS. I blamed myself, as countless other women do.

If something is going to be posted it maybe needs to signpost to more qualified agenices, who do have the skills and experience to deal with this ( and people who are having a probably very traumatic time)

LOL.

Can't argue with you there Merrylegs.

Shall we suggest a few extra interview questions?

Interviewer: "What advice would you give a friend who had just discovered her husband has been having an affair?"

Candidate: "I'd tell her she should have given her DH more blow jobs"

Interviewer: "Wrong answer, I'm sorry you haven't got the job, but I understand there's a position going at Netmums which might suit you very well"

at the MNHQ interviewing procedure.