Dh just told me he is thinking of leaving

[feelingvunerable]

I have name changed for this.
Just looking for advice and help really.
I've been with dh for more than 20 years. We have 3 dcs together, 2 teenagers one 9 year old, they are all still at school.
I have sensed that dh has been off it and distant for want of a better phrase for at least the past week, possibly more. Anyway yesterday he said that he needed to speak to me but due to rushing around with kids activities and him going out he never did. When he came home last night he said that he felt ill and ended up sleeping in our ds bed. Ds got in with me. Previously in the week he said that because I had been talking in my sleep and had consequently woken him up 3 times he felt he should sleep in one of the kids beds and let them sleep with me. He does get up early for work and was tired he said.

After a busy day today, spend seperately but this is down to the kids activities, he announced that he was going out. I was a tad disappointed as I wanted us to maybe spend time together in the house relaxing and I had told him that I was cooking a nice meal.
When I left this morning he had gone back to bed saying he felt ill.

I asked him what he had wanted to speak about and he announced that he isn't happy and is thinking of leaving. He said that he wont talk about it in front of the kids and will take tomorrow.

I really don't know what to do.
I am aware that sexually he is feeling unsatisfied but I was hoping to try and make amends tonight now I don't think he will come near me when he gets back in.
He also said that it is other things as well.
I think by this he means the house isn't tidy enough.
I have been trying to make sure the house is really spik and span and that his dinner is on the table.
However it is bloody hard work with 3 untidy kids!

I do think deep down that he expects me to do the vast majority of the housework, even though I have always made it clear that I am not his maid.
He grew up in a household where his father did none of the domestic chores, only traditional "male jobs".
I have never seen his dad make his own cup off tea!
From the start I toldd him that if he ever turned into his dad I would leave so he knows the score.

I am so scared and am trying to keep it all in.
I know he went to see a single friend a few days ago and I think he might have made enquiries about staying with him (I am only guessing here).
The ironic thing is several friends have recently commented on how happy we seem.
He has said there is noone else.
Btw I work and cook , clean, do all the gardening ,ferry the kids around. I do look after myself but feel like shit now.

I think you will be better off without someone who expects you to be his skivvy.

If you work as well, why is it your responsibility to do all the domestic stuff?

Also when he is alone with the kids he has started not cooking any meals for them. I haven't made an issue of it as perhaps I was sensing this upheavel? I don't know. Yet last week he went mental when he got in from work and I hadn't cooked his dinner. I had done the kids but not ours.

Fucking hell - what sort of man would leave his wife over the state of the house?

Don't you dare blame yourself for his attitude. As you say you work and do the majority of the childcare it really isn't your "job" to do 100% of the housework. if he's not happy then he needs to roll up his sleeves and get stuck in.

And to just drop a bombshell like that and then not talk about it properly??? I know it doesn't seem like it now but maybe he's doing you a favour! What about your needs?

Selfish, selfish man...

Do you think he could be depressed?

God it gets worse! How bloody dare he!

My husband has a saying "always look to the parents" - he reckons we all turn into our parents as we get older (and tbh I can see his point in a lot of cases).

How would you feel being married to his father? Cos that's what he seems to be morphing into.

So sorry to hear this
I would put money on the fact he is having an affair - he doesn't want to get extra crap from friends and family and wants it to seem a simple case of drifting apart. The fuss about cleaning and meals is a good example of setting up situations where he can blame you for faults in the relationship
This doesn't help you with your feelings right now, -km really sorry you are going through this, but it might be best to start seeing his actions in a different light

So sorry to hear this
I would put money on the fact he is having an affair - he doesn't want to get extra crap from friends and family and wants it to seem a simple case of drifting apart. The fuss about cleaning and meals is a good example of setting up situations where he can blame you for faults in the relationship
This doesn't help you with your feelings right now, -km really sorry you are going through this, but it might be best to start seeing his actions in a different light

Could there be OW?

Tell him you're glad he's said that because you have been thinking about telling him to leave, as you are sick of being treated like a combination of servant and sex toy.

feelingvulnerable, he is horribly lazy and like he's only getting worse. You've been making a massive effort to make everything "right" for him but tbh I'm not sure if he'll ever be satisfied with his attitude. I feel very bad that you feel you have to make sure everything is to his satisfaction and he's throwing it back in your face. You sound like you've been putting yourself under a lot of pressure to make sure that he's happy and that you and everything else meet his standards.

He does do some housework but not as much as me.
He will do the dishes and hoover and washing ( so do I). But he doesn't iron, only occasionally his stuff if I don't, and he never organises the kids stuff. He seems to be resenting it though, but I don't like it either and I have been running myself ragged trying to make the house look great.

lisaro- I was wondering that too. He tends to keep his feelings inside. Strangely he has never got on with his dad and I would hate to think of him turning into him, he knows this too.
I'm not sure what to do if he leaves. i don't want the kids to know anything is amiss.

I'm with merci & Katie

sorry Op but there's an OW somewhere, he's not sleeping in the DS bed because you talk in your sleep.

He HAS turned into his dad, sadly

I agree with merci, The red flags are up and showing an affair I'm afraid. The excuses for not sleeping in your bed sounds like an unfaithful husband. And merci has got it spot on - this is what cheaters do - start finding reasons to justify their behaviour - untidy house etc.

If he's denying there's someone else, you may want to turn detective and start searching phones and email accounts so that you can discover the truth of what's going on.

I have arranged to get out and see my friend tomorrow, he doesn't know yet.
Although needless to say i will have to do the bloody dinner first. I won't make my kids suffer because of him.
He has been a bit funny about money lately, telling me that he is skint, yet he still ahs enough to go out drinking. Is this a sign of something?
Sorry to sound so bloody stupid. I have never had this before so am completely puzzled as to what is normal at the minute.

feelingvulnerable, have you been able to verify that he has really been hanging out with this single friend? Saying he's skint and going out drinking could tie in with him meeting up with another woman, is he going out more frequently on his own lately? In your 20 years together has he ever before had cause to sleep separtely from you?

It is rare indeed for a man to leave his wife and kids without another woman being involved. Having said that, he hasn't actually left so it could be some kind of mid life crisis but my gut instinct says OW. Has he taken more pride in his appearance lately? That's usually a big sign - new clothes, haircut, aftershave etc.

So, he says he's thinking about leaving and then goes out for the evening?

He thinks you should do most of the housework even though you both work?

He went mad because his dinner wasn't on the table when he got home from work?

He sounds like a real charmer.

Honestly, someone who needs a skivvy, wouldn't be looking to leave the one he's got unless there was another waiting to welcome him.

Do you have some support in real life?

My husband was EXACTLY the same with me a few years back. As you describe to a T. He was having an affair. Perhaps do some light digging around and see if there are any clues. You could drive yourself crazy wondering what's going on, as he could well be gaslighting you. So maybe start some financial/legal planning just incase. Take care. So sorry.

I am sorry you are going through this.

What is his mobile phone behaviour like? Does his phone ever leave his side? Being attached to a mobile is a sure sign of an OW. Even if he is being normal with his phone see if you can discreetly have a look at his received and dialled calls as well as his text in and out box.

Mileage on car - does it match where he says he is going/been?

Computer - check out history, any downloaded pics/files? Hotmail and othe email accounts, FB messages etc if you can.

I hope me and the few others that are thinking OW are wrong but him not sleeping with you is a bit of a red flag to me.

FV if he does leave you need to book an appointment with CAB and take a day off work to go and see them and find out exactly where you stand financially.

If you are ready for it you could do a free first half hour appointment with a solicitor for advice.

If you have joint accounts act now and close them or empty any surplus before he does. Get any certificates, passports etc in your possession.

Don't be afraid to tell friends/family and ask for some support.

Afraid I also think that it's 99% likely there is another woman lurking behind this.

You will be okay on your own though you know. You will need to stay calm, be kind to yourself and give yourself time to adjust but you might even find that you like it. At least you will be able to live with the Dcs in peace.

I have just casually asked ds if his dad went out today when I wasn't here and he said yes.

I feel like I am dying inside.
I might tell him to sleep in ds bed.

I am frightened about money. He earns a lot more than meand gets the wf tax credits paid into his account.
I don't know what to do.
will speak to my friend tomorrow, she has been through a divorce and I can trust her.
I can't tell my mum as she would go mental.

It sounds like an OW. Do you have any means of finding out yourself? Also if you are making dinner make it for the DCs but not him.
Remeber if he is being bitchy he is trying to deflect guilt from himself. Also any bitchy comment says more about him than you.

I know where you're comming from. My dh left just just before Christmas Had sort of mentioned it a few weeks before. Found out after he has ow. Anyway 3 weeks down the line life is up and down, but am beginning to get my backbone back. I felt abandoned betrayed and hurt at first. Still do and add in humiliated, but like you have 3 chidren and although not yet angry am starting to fight back. You will too

It might be a good idea to find out exactly how much money you will be entitled to via maintenance and tax credits. If he thinks he is skint now then he is in for a big shock.

Prepare for the possibility of another woman.

Surround yourself with real life support.

If you go on the CSA website there's a calculator to see how much he'll have to give you. There are things that can be done via court and a solicitor. Remember if he leaves you can get the tax credits into your account. Sorry am new to this and not used to all the abbreviations yet

REmember your friends and don't think you can't tell them because you feel unlovable etc. They are your best asset at the moment and you need them