Dh just told me he is thinking of leaving

[feelingvunerable]

I have name changed for this.
Just looking for advice and help really.
I've been with dh for more than 20 years. We have 3 dcs together, 2 teenagers one 9 year old, they are all still at school.
I have sensed that dh has been off it and distant for want of a better phrase for at least the past week, possibly more. Anyway yesterday he said that he needed to speak to me but due to rushing around with kids activities and him going out he never did. When he came home last night he said that he felt ill and ended up sleeping in our ds bed. Ds got in with me. Previously in the week he said that because I had been talking in my sleep and had consequently woken him up 3 times he felt he should sleep in one of the kids beds and let them sleep with me. He does get up early for work and was tired he said.

After a busy day today, spend seperately but this is down to the kids activities, he announced that he was going out. I was a tad disappointed as I wanted us to maybe spend time together in the house relaxing and I had told him that I was cooking a nice meal.
When I left this morning he had gone back to bed saying he felt ill.

I asked him what he had wanted to speak about and he announced that he isn't happy and is thinking of leaving. He said that he wont talk about it in front of the kids and will take tomorrow.

I really don't know what to do.
I am aware that sexually he is feeling unsatisfied but I was hoping to try and make amends tonight now I don't think he will come near me when he gets back in.
He also said that it is other things as well.
I think by this he means the house isn't tidy enough.
I have been trying to make sure the house is really spik and span and that his dinner is on the table.
However it is bloody hard work with 3 untidy kids!

I do think deep down that he expects me to do the vast majority of the housework, even though I have always made it clear that I am not his maid.
He grew up in a household where his father did none of the domestic chores, only traditional "male jobs".
I have never seen his dad make his own cup off tea!
From the start I toldd him that if he ever turned into his dad I would leave so he knows the score.

I am so scared and am trying to keep it all in.
I know he went to see a single friend a few days ago and I think he might have made enquiries about staying with him (I am only guessing here).
The ironic thing is several friends have recently commented on how happy we seem.
He has said there is noone else.
Btw I work and cook , clean, do all the gardening ,ferry the kids around. I do look after myself but feel like shit now.

Dh is 45 I am 44.

In the summer of 2006 my h started to change his dress sense, lose weight, buy a car. We had more rows and he spent more time out of the house. I became so unhappy we moved back to my home town. He initially agreed but deeply resented the move in the end. The last two years until October 12 were awaful, after the move. He withdrew sexually completely, and things he used to do before and which caused arguments became much worse- he felt entitled because I had 'forced' a move, and every time I tried to raise a problem, he referred straight back to it as the source of the problem. I decided finally to leave him in the summer, and he said he would change. He did, a bit, to be fair. But three weeks in, I discovered photos of another woman on his computer- there had been a number over the years, but he always exploited by naivety re computers to say they were downloaded/received accidentally with music files.

It turned out he had been having internet sex for over 5 years, with heaps of women. So my experience is that you should trust your instincts when they change so radically- if I had refused to believe his lies in 2006, I would have saved myself alot of stress and ultimately illness. The move meant that the whole family paid for his dishonesty.

So, he tells you you need to talk but won't do so in front of the kids so goes off to the pub until you have everything sorted at home.

Take the time while he is out to get angry OP, no matter what is going on don't allow him to treat you like this, don't let him call all the shots or walk all over you. Please.

And bear in mind, if he is wanting to leave he will be looking to you to give him the excuse to do so, guilt free.

It doesn't matter whether there is someone else or not. His behaviour is inexcusably cruel even without another woman in the wings.

It is cruel, he has a fuck of a nerve to say such a thing and then make you wait for his explanation.

Yep, he is a Twat! Of the highest order!

I think if this were me I would take the wind out his sails by having his bag packed ready for when he decided to come home from the pub. He could come back for The Talk tomorrow, on my terms.

Fucking hell, what a cunt

Maybe he feels in need of some dutch courage and a talk with his mate before he can articulate his feelings?

It could be that he's going through a phase of 'there must be more to life than this' otherwise known as a midlife crisis.

In a few years' time your dc will have flown the nest and, presupposing that there is no OW on the horizon, it won't necessarily be a bad thing to review your marriage now especially if you've got out of the habit of checking in with each other emotionally as often happens when minds are focused on the necessities of keeping roofs over heads and administering to the needs of dc etc.

Rather than endeavouring to put your point across immediately I suggest you listen to what he's got to say and, if what you hear is unwelcome, say that you need time to reflect on and consider what he's said and make an appointment, as it were, for a follow up session because it's very easy for knee-jerk reactions to lead to breadowns in communication.

I sometimes think that there's a case for keeping married men separate from their single peer group and vice versa

I feel like my bllod pressure is about to explore he assured me yesterday as he was leaving that he wouldn't go out tonight.
I don't know whether to text/ring and say come in or fuck off for good and threaten to tell the kids that dad has left us.
I know that sounds cruel but I am so fucking angry.
my friend advised me earlier that to tell him that if he went out tonight to say don't bother coming back again. but he has duped me into getting out the fucking pig made out he was just nipping out to see couple x and then to see Tom but would be back very soon this was at arond 4.30ish.
i feel so angry i don't think I can hold it in but then I don't want to give him an excuse to leave.

He's gone to the pub? What? Told you he's thinking of leaving but can't talk right now and then went to the pub? Is that what happened?

Oh god, OP. poor you

He's cheating I think. My best friend went through this with her ex-DH earlier this year. Her DH was losing weight (not eating much), generally unhappy (he told her it was because he had to do everything around the house,etc). In the end she found a text message . He said he hadn't cheated and was just flirting, and agreed to go to marriage counselling but ultimately he left "to think" and is now engaged to the ow . Prick. I really hope it's not the same for you but alarm bells are ringing that if he hasn't already had an affair then he's thinking about it.

I am that mad I am thinking of threatening to tell his mum, who has cancer God am i just totally loosing it.
would I be unreasonable to tell him what I said.

I'm pleased you are angry. Makes sure you stay angry!

I would text him telling him he either comes home now to talk or he comes home later to pick up his bag. He has left you hanging for long enough and you can bet he isn't getting all worked up like you are. He is calling all the shots here and that's not on.

I second your friends advice.
Get some chocolate, curl up with a film and fuck him off. He clearly thinks he can do as he pleases. Let him know now that he can't. Actions have conseqences and he is long overdue for some.
He's behaving appaulingly x

Yes 2ndtime he has gone to the pub again, after assuring me he wouldn't go out today.
As soon as I got in today after seeing and telling my friend he got his shoes made his excuses and left.
It was only because as he was leaving last night I stood in the hallway and insisted he tell me what he needed to talk about. He has told me he needed to talk to me Friday (I think, I really cannot think straight) and STILL he hasn't sat down and explained what he wants to say.

This is cruel, he is being very cruel and I am very angry on your behalf OP.

I don't think I can stay rational now.
Even if all he has to say is something like I am feeling fed up should we go away for a night.
I am full of doubt and don't think I can trust him.
The missing passbook has set me off, in fact eveything has set me off suspecting the worst.
If only he would talk and say what is wrong.

Actually, OP, if you really are feeling the way your NN says you are, then I think it will be massively helpful to take some power back, especially as all this waiting sounds like it's literally driving you round the twist.

If it were me, I would tell him to get home or don't bother coming home - he either respects you enough to explain to you his thought processes and what's going on, or he doesn't respect you at all. Either way, a text demanding some decisive action from him isn't unreasonable.

Check his phone!

He is coming home now. Will log off.

Make your own decisions. Stop waiting for him to come home and deign to tell you what he wants. What about what you want now?

This is paramount to emotional abuse leaving you dangling like this.
I like what your friend and TimeFor has suggested.
Text and tell him to be home within the hour to discuss issues or not to come back at all a bag will be waiting on the doorstep.
He is a twunt of the highest order

I'd tell him to damn well stay out, too. You need to assert that you are, in fact, a human being with opinions.

The way he's treating you as a wayward servant - and making you doubt yourself - is inexcusable. You probably can't see it now, but your thread's unanimous on that point. Giving him "an excuse to leave" is the best thing that could happen!

So tell us more about this increased sport activity, which has led him to lose weight?