Dh just told me he is thinking of leaving

[feelingvunerable]

I have name changed for this.
Just looking for advice and help really.
I've been with dh for more than 20 years. We have 3 dcs together, 2 teenagers one 9 year old, they are all still at school.
I have sensed that dh has been off it and distant for want of a better phrase for at least the past week, possibly more. Anyway yesterday he said that he needed to speak to me but due to rushing around with kids activities and him going out he never did. When he came home last night he said that he felt ill and ended up sleeping in our ds bed. Ds got in with me. Previously in the week he said that because I had been talking in my sleep and had consequently woken him up 3 times he felt he should sleep in one of the kids beds and let them sleep with me. He does get up early for work and was tired he said.

After a busy day today, spend seperately but this is down to the kids activities, he announced that he was going out. I was a tad disappointed as I wanted us to maybe spend time together in the house relaxing and I had told him that I was cooking a nice meal.
When I left this morning he had gone back to bed saying he felt ill.

I asked him what he had wanted to speak about and he announced that he isn't happy and is thinking of leaving. He said that he wont talk about it in front of the kids and will take tomorrow.

I really don't know what to do.
I am aware that sexually he is feeling unsatisfied but I was hoping to try and make amends tonight now I don't think he will come near me when he gets back in.
He also said that it is other things as well.
I think by this he means the house isn't tidy enough.
I have been trying to make sure the house is really spik and span and that his dinner is on the table.
However it is bloody hard work with 3 untidy kids!

I do think deep down that he expects me to do the vast majority of the housework, even though I have always made it clear that I am not his maid.
He grew up in a household where his father did none of the domestic chores, only traditional "male jobs".
I have never seen his dad make his own cup off tea!
From the start I toldd him that if he ever turned into his dad I would leave so he knows the score.

I am so scared and am trying to keep it all in.
I know he went to see a single friend a few days ago and I think he might have made enquiries about staying with him (I am only guessing here).
The ironic thing is several friends have recently commented on how happy we seem.
He has said there is noone else.
Btw I work and cook , clean, do all the gardening ,ferry the kids around. I do look after myself but feel like shit now.

Fair comment re child management, however I think that both OP and her DH have allowed the DCs to take charge.

After I posted I read the thread to my DH, his take was:

• there is a hierarchy with DH at the top then DCs and the OP was at the bottom
• both OP and her DH use the DCs as a way of avoiding dealing with each other. Cant talk when DCs about, prioritising DCs activities rather than the family as a whole.

garlic I hate to be thanked for meals I cook! Really truly all the thanks I need is for people to eat and enjoy! I always find thanks a bit insincere (see aforementioned background for why, I think ), and a close friend even said she found it irritating that I didn't say thank you if she passed me something - this had never even occurred to me.

And it's hard to go from not clearing up to clearing up without some sort of transition period. The poor blokes can hardly go back in time, and they've got to start somewhere! (Shirley Conran's advice btw is NOT to thank them, they are not doing you a favour, what do people think? But don't criticise either

Just out of interest, I discuss some marital problems with my close friends, and I can't see what's terribly wrong with men discussing their marriages with their friends. We all need to talk about our worries and concerns, and sometimes we need to talk to our friends rather than our partners - it can be a useful way of getting some perspective. And who of us hasn't wondered occasionally if the grass would be greener on the other side? I have and I'm sure my DH has. I certainly don't see it as a particularly ominous sign. Good luck OP.

Yes, but were those conversations ever preceded by a threat to leave, plus a refusal to elaborate and did you leave your partner fretting and worrying until you were willing to discuss your threat?

This has got nothing to do with 'miscommunication' either. Every act is a communication. It is also not difficult to say "I'm sorry, I behaved badly" but as long as the OP and others make allowances for shoddy treatment, this man and others, will continue to dish it out.

I'm not excusing the rest of his behaviour, but I couldn't understand why he was being criticised for talking to a friend.

I can understand someone talking to a friend, if the attempts to resolve matters at home had reached an impasse and seemed incapable of remedy, but take a dim view of someone sharing marital discord when there have been no grievances raised with the partner at home, beyond a threat to leave.

Although I think this is academic, because it's my belief that if this man was discussing anything with a friend, it was his affair and who to choose; something that for obvious reasons he would not discuss with his wife.

It is bloody difficult to say sorry for some people! Some get 'oh you're just saying that' in return, even though the partner might not actually say out loud.

I know from first hand experience of being one that some abusers can change. We were each unfaithful once early on in our (last uninterrupted) relationship - the bit that has lasted for the last four decades). Well before that, in our twenties I used to rage and scream at stbx , I was very depressed, I sometimes hit him, eventually I made a conscious decision to kick the wall instead and found out what happens if that wall is plaster board.

It has taken me a very long time to modify my behaviour, I have succeeded pretty well, stbx seems to have made No Attempt Whatsoever to improve his behaviour.

To change you have to start somewhere, and take steps towards your goal, and occasionaly it may be one step backwards. So long as it is two steps forward as well

OP tell me to piss off if I've hijacked thread. Have had

For me an apology from DH would be needed. I would expect him to talk to me before he airs to his friends, especially for something as substantial as leaving! So what if he comes to the theatre with you or not as long as you have done the housework...

Kids need to help around the home, how the heck are they expected to look after themselves when they fly the nest.

DS joined cadets too and immediately did his own ironing for uniform which then extended to all his ironing (and the occasional bit for his younger sister). He is also expected to clean and tidy his room (doesn't happen very often, more like a quarterly bash but gets done properly when he gets round to it). He will clean a bathroom and hoover if asked and helps a bit with cooking.

DD is 4 but expected to help tidy toys, lay table, fetch things, help with hanging up washing (more fun than actual help).

We also have a "joblist" for the house going. If it is a Saturday we are all at home, we look at the jobs that need doing and allocate them to all of us.

DH will do housework (unasked) when he is around, he is ex RAF so knows a thing or two about cleaning, polishing and ironing.

You come across as being grateful for very small mercies; the fact that the housework is staill mainly yours and DH is not prepared to do more and show appreciation would make me feel undervalued, unloved and unrespected.

the hand ain't listenin'

I know. But others might be. It's lurking on other threads that woke me up to my abusive marriage, while I just couldn't accept the things that were being told directly to me on my own thread.

fairy nuff, HotDAMN

I am sorry that OP appears to have abandoned her thread, though