Dh just told me he is thinking of leaving

[feelingvunerable]

I have name changed for this.
Just looking for advice and help really.
I've been with dh for more than 20 years. We have 3 dcs together, 2 teenagers one 9 year old, they are all still at school.
I have sensed that dh has been off it and distant for want of a better phrase for at least the past week, possibly more. Anyway yesterday he said that he needed to speak to me but due to rushing around with kids activities and him going out he never did. When he came home last night he said that he felt ill and ended up sleeping in our ds bed. Ds got in with me. Previously in the week he said that because I had been talking in my sleep and had consequently woken him up 3 times he felt he should sleep in one of the kids beds and let them sleep with me. He does get up early for work and was tired he said.

After a busy day today, spend seperately but this is down to the kids activities, he announced that he was going out. I was a tad disappointed as I wanted us to maybe spend time together in the house relaxing and I had told him that I was cooking a nice meal.
When I left this morning he had gone back to bed saying he felt ill.

I asked him what he had wanted to speak about and he announced that he isn't happy and is thinking of leaving. He said that he wont talk about it in front of the kids and will take tomorrow.

I really don't know what to do.
I am aware that sexually he is feeling unsatisfied but I was hoping to try and make amends tonight now I don't think he will come near me when he gets back in.
He also said that it is other things as well.
I think by this he means the house isn't tidy enough.
I have been trying to make sure the house is really spik and span and that his dinner is on the table.
However it is bloody hard work with 3 untidy kids!

I do think deep down that he expects me to do the vast majority of the housework, even though I have always made it clear that I am not his maid.
He grew up in a household where his father did none of the domestic chores, only traditional "male jobs".
I have never seen his dad make his own cup off tea!
From the start I toldd him that if he ever turned into his dad I would leave so he knows the score.

I am so scared and am trying to keep it all in.
I know he went to see a single friend a few days ago and I think he might have made enquiries about staying with him (I am only guessing here).
The ironic thing is several friends have recently commented on how happy we seem.
He has said there is noone else.
Btw I work and cook , clean, do all the gardening ,ferry the kids around. I do look after myself but feel like shit now.

Yes i think he would confide in the second man-I'll call him Tom.
It wasn't Tom's wife who answered the phone it was Tom's dd.
I have made light of what he wrote on fb laughing it off to dd.
He isn't very computer savvy so i guess he just wont think and of course he won't think that I will find out because I am not on fb.
I didn't go into private messages on fb, wasn't sure how to and felt awful sneeking around.
At least he is with who he said he would be.
Don't know what I would have done otherwise.
We are going to speak tonight.

No she didn't speak to the mum

that he'd go out when so much to talk about at home

Fabby, no it doesn't have to be the case that there is an OW but i would bet money that there is, seeing as the stomping about and being funny about the house is a classic sign of it.

OP I'm really sorry and hope you can get to the bottom of things tonight when you talk

He wont be aware that i've rung their home phone.

Well he soon will be and at that point, will realise you're on to him and will systematically delete every trace of evidence.

Is that what you want him to do, so that you won't have to face the truth OP?

I really don't mean that aggressively, just trying to understand why you're putting your head in the sand a bit here?

He's in 'hiding' at the moment you see. Going out, having naps, claiming he's unwell. This is all to avoid looking you in the eye and discussing your relationship.

I have texted him with the same "reason" that I rang the friends with so he won't think I am checking up/spying.
I am getting more stressed by the minute and have started shouting at the kids.
Like I told my friend I ahve been tidying up after them.

Get into his phone. Get into his phone.

There is probably someone else. And if he's wavering it's because he's not 100% sure f her.

My ex used to threaten to leave and I would get all panicky and try to please him. Now, years later and after calling it a day, I wish I'd called his bluff years earlier. It's a horrible thing to do to someone.

He's said that he wants to talk, you have a joint book of passwords and since he's put a seed of doubt in your mind he's gone out a lot.

My gut feeling is that he wants you to snoop so you find something and have it out with him so he can have one scrap of moral highground to stand on. I know that if there is someone else he has absolutely no ground, high or moral, to stand on but he could be looking for a way to turn it back on you.

I'd be careful not to let him know if you do find anything.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

I'm :( to hear what you are going through and tonight...try and stay calm...do more listening, take deep breaths instead of getting upset and angry. Ask him why he said what he did and this on FB....if he says he is depressed ask will he work through it for sake of marriage/kids? If it is house being untidy draw up rosta and make sure he does bathroom at least once a week. but I think house is red herring like others said!

If he doesn't want to work through things and says it's over then I would have to agree what SGB said on first page and show 'respect' and 'dignity' like izzy said and do not let him see you crying...esp if he is having affair...at this point say outright 'who are you knocking off then?' Watch reaction...if he can't look at you or looks up to left he is trying to think of another excuse....unless he has practiced this down to a fine art in his brain and is a fantastic liar!

Whatever happens secure your finances asap.

What's he doing, going from friends house to friends house acting like someone in deep angst?
Tell him to get home to his family and discuss things like a grown up. Honestly how can you respect this man?

Im in a similar situation. no fun at all lost count of how many times he has said this to me. Wish i was strong enough to tell him to get lost but love him

Crazy, sooner or later you will lose respect for him and it's hard to love someone when you don't respect them. Stay strong both.

Ì am so tense inside, he is still out. I am wondering if he is discussing what to do with Tom.
I needed to know that i am not to blame and that if there is anything to save the marriage then I will.
His stange behaviour has only just started, after new year. He works with men so I cannot think who, if anybody, he is seeing...unless it is a man????
I have been racking my brains to fatham out what is wrong.
I am pissed off that he has gone out, again, and I am left here feeling like shit. i am also worried that if he leaves my eldset 2 will not forgive him. I will also have that to deal with.
I don't know who he is getting advice from either.
What I do know is that he never, ever, goes out for a drink and drinks coke. He will drive to family type dos and if we are out together but would never go to the pub with a mate and drink pop.
I think he is deciding what to do but not letting me have any input into it.
It has come out of the blue I don't think there are any other signs.
He has never said that he finds me unattractive.
Like I said I try my best to look good, without sounding vain.

He does look like he has lost some weight lately, but he has been doing more sport.

I wonder if he's got the 'January blue's ' and is talking them over with mates
You know this time of year, everyone's skint, cold weather, hate work, ages til another bank holiday weekend

Tom's DD probably rang or texted her dad to say you were looking for him. Or Tom's wife did.

Like everyone else, I would bet the house he's having an affair.

The moaning about sex and about the housework is setting you up to fail. So he doesn't look like the bad guy.

Even if you are still in love with him and might consider forgiving an affair, please please play hardball here. Don't accept being treated like crap, if he says he is thinking of leaving boot him out immediately,let him consider what he wants in cold reality, not in your lovely house with you doing all his shitwork.

Ironically it may make him realise what a big mistake he's making and want to work on the marriage. But most importantly it will bolster your self esteem and your control of the situation, which is vital for you to make the best decision FOR YOU.

I said to my friend that if he leaves then I think I won't have him back, i am even thinking of changing the locks if he does go. I won't make it easy for him.
I think if he goes to stay with his single friend then he wont want to come back as he will be able to suit himself.
I wish I had more money as I can't pay the bills alone.

Does anyone believe he is not having an affair?

He is being very selfish and cruel to you OP. Please send him a text telling him if he had any guts he would get himself home now and explain what is going on. (or similar) You canot continue to second guess him you deserve an explanation whether it is what you want to hear or not. The worse thing is being kept in suspension like this.

Oh fuck I have just decided to have a nother snoop on fb but the password book has gone!!!!!!!!

My XH said and did many similar things from Oct to new year. I agreed to marriage counselling and went out of my way to create time for our relationship. 4 days before beginning Relate I discovered he has been seeing the OW since... Oct. Exactly when he first mentioned his 'not being happy'.

I truly hope that you are not faced with the heartbreaking situation I have found myself in, but please allow yourself to face the possibility that your H may not be telling you the whole truth. If for no other reason than to be able to have a contingency plan...

Also, irrespective of the possibility he is actually a total twunt, his actions are stripping away your trust in your relationship and your sense of security in your family. Even without discovering another woman has played a part in damaging your relationship, it is a long road back to happiness and one that you both have to equally participate in. If he isn't willing to take an equal part in restoring YOUR faith in your shared future, please don't give away all your energy and time trying to restore his. He has a part in this 'unhappiness' that he must take responsibility for - its NOT all your fault, and you deserve to feel cherished and wanted too.

good luck

Please stop putting yourself through this. Tell him to come home now!

I have tried to log in with what I thought it was and it isn't the password. Not sure if he has changed it or if I am doing it wrong.

Even though I have been trying my best to please him, I think deep down he knows the shit will hit the fan if I cathch him out and that the kids will not play ball either.

Where is he ?

You don't know that you can't pay the bills without him. Remember you will get tax credits and maintenance from him. Knowledge is power so see a solicitor (first half hour is free) to find out where you stand and phone tax credits to get them to pay it into your account. TBH if you are doing most of the childcare then tax credits should have been paid to you in the first place.

What age is your DH ?
I don't know, I just think people have been very quick to label him as having an affair, and if you go into your chat tonight with that in mind, it will be very hard to have a rational conversation without it getting too heated.

I know I'll probably get flamed for this, and I"m not saying all this is acceptable, but it sounds to me like he's having a hard time (for whatever reason) - and for you to really get to the heart of it (which will give the marriage the chance to recover), just give him as much grace as you can tonight. Try and listen well without leaping to your own defence. And then talk about how you're feeling in the midst of this.

OP - there is an awful lot of suspicion on this thread (from people who have sadly had their own rubbish experiences) - but if what you want to achieve tonight is for your DH (as one other poster described it) to 'look you in the eye' and tell you what's been going on, then the gentler you can be with him, the more likely he is to open up.

I am NOT saying to be a doormat etc, just give him the benefit of the doubt for now - he's obviously in a tough place . As are you

I am going to wait a while longer as kids are still around and he has said that he doesn't want to talk infront of them. The problem is he isn't allowing me to speak to him and get my point across.
I can't physically make him come in. I told him earlier that we need to talk and I am not happy with the situation of him dropping a bombshell and then sodding off. Think I will tell him to get in after sorting ypoungest dc out.