Dh just told me he is thinking of leaving

[feelingvunerable]

I have name changed for this.
Just looking for advice and help really.
I've been with dh for more than 20 years. We have 3 dcs together, 2 teenagers one 9 year old, they are all still at school.
I have sensed that dh has been off it and distant for want of a better phrase for at least the past week, possibly more. Anyway yesterday he said that he needed to speak to me but due to rushing around with kids activities and him going out he never did. When he came home last night he said that he felt ill and ended up sleeping in our ds bed. Ds got in with me. Previously in the week he said that because I had been talking in my sleep and had consequently woken him up 3 times he felt he should sleep in one of the kids beds and let them sleep with me. He does get up early for work and was tired he said.

After a busy day today, spend seperately but this is down to the kids activities, he announced that he was going out. I was a tad disappointed as I wanted us to maybe spend time together in the house relaxing and I had told him that I was cooking a nice meal.
When I left this morning he had gone back to bed saying he felt ill.

I asked him what he had wanted to speak about and he announced that he isn't happy and is thinking of leaving. He said that he wont talk about it in front of the kids and will take tomorrow.

I really don't know what to do.
I am aware that sexually he is feeling unsatisfied but I was hoping to try and make amends tonight now I don't think he will come near me when he gets back in.
He also said that it is other things as well.
I think by this he means the house isn't tidy enough.
I have been trying to make sure the house is really spik and span and that his dinner is on the table.
However it is bloody hard work with 3 untidy kids!

I do think deep down that he expects me to do the vast majority of the housework, even though I have always made it clear that I am not his maid.
He grew up in a household where his father did none of the domestic chores, only traditional "male jobs".
I have never seen his dad make his own cup off tea!
From the start I toldd him that if he ever turned into his dad I would leave so he knows the score.

I am so scared and am trying to keep it all in.
I know he went to see a single friend a few days ago and I think he might have made enquiries about staying with him (I am only guessing here).
The ironic thing is several friends have recently commented on how happy we seem.
He has said there is noone else.
Btw I work and cook , clean, do all the gardening ,ferry the kids around. I do look after myself but feel like shit now.

Can I get the tax credits paid directly to me?
Would he have to agree to it?
If I find out there is ow it will not be pleasant and I think he knows this.
He is always glued to his mob but he always has been.
I am not on fb book, he is, my dd is but I can't ask her to snoop. I don't want dcs to know anything is wrong.
Can I access his account?
fwiw computer is in living room where we all sit.
Christ I am so worried.

Agree with others - it does sound very suspect...

I thought tax credits were normally paid to the mother? I get ours. Can you change it? What about child benefit?

I'd get on the phone tomorrow. Don't let him have it all his own way. you need to look out for yourself - and your children.

Yes if you have the DC

CHB, TC etc.

I'm not sure if he would need to agree it whilst you are still together?

But - if you do split up (even if he is still living with you) you can make a new application reporting the change in circumstances

Whatever it is, the odds that it's the state of the bathroom tiles that's pushing him to leave are non existent. Men don't leave wives and children becuase they find limescale deeply offensive.

I know you must be going out of your mind, but try to get your practical head on. Talk to your friend and look at your finances.

I get child benefit.
He has given me some money today for kids activities when I asked, although he had to go out to get it but he wasn't long.
I don't want to tell anyone anything yet. Other than my close friend. i don't know why but I feel embarrassed by it all. No doubt he will tell everone it is my fault.

You could go onto your daughters fb account and snoop that way?

He does not need to agree

It takes a bit longer, but you will get it eventually (and back-dated)

Also before Christmas I told him I was the one feeling fed up with all the things I had to do. Cleaning, cooking Christmas dinner-AGAIN sorting Christmas etc trying to make it bloody nice for everyone.
If he is seeing ow I will feel like killing him.

Can you see the bank statements online? It sounds as though you have different accounts. Do you have any access to his account?

And yes, you will be able to transfer CTC etc to your account. I don't know why it's in his, since you earn less.

Phone tax credits first thing on Monday and tell them that your DH is leaving (without the DCs) and that the money will need to be paid into you account. They will have dealt with this countless times.

I know this sounds hard hearted but you need to find a good solicitor(ask your friends) and find out where you stand financially. Inspite of all the emotional upheaval it'll make you feel more in control if you know where you stand. I won't forget the look on oh face when we were discussing assets and I mentioned his pension etc. If this is precipitated by ow then he prob won't have sought advice yet. You must so at least you start haveing some control.

Its always been in his since we qualified. I don't know why although obviously it has never been an issue before now.
I really was beginning to think that it is all my fault. That I should just try harder to be, well better. If that makes sense.He said that he isn't getting enough sex but then I said well you didn't sleep with me! this was in the hallway as he was on his way out when I pushed the issue of what he needed to talk about.
He knows that I hate it when he says he needs to tell me something then won't tell me what it is.

Thank you for all the replies.
I know he has the upper hand as I am in the dark as it were.

It is absolutely NOT your fault. Mine keeps saying I ambush him when I ask him questions. I still think he ambushed me more. You probably feel crushed and worthless at the moment, but you have three children who need you and you need them. Tell him you need to go some where neutral to talk about this because if yours are anything like mine you can not guarantee having a priate conversation ever. Make a list and get the answers to the most importantnt parctical questions DC and money. I can't advise you on getting answers as to why etc I still haven't and suspect I never will except the grass is greener

Well it's his own fault he's not getting enough sex isn't it? I wouldn't shag him with that attitude - that's for sure!

He sounds a bit controlling to me.

I would strongly advise you to act on sgb's advice as this will at least take the wind out of his sails.

Ppersonally I'd be praying for a fair gale to speed him on his way, but if you're hoping that it will at least enable you to keep your dignity if it transpires that he is intent on leaving.

Act nonchalant and tell him that if he intends to remain in the marital home, things will have to change and he'll need to start pulling his weight around the house otherwise you will be off to see a solicitor with a view to filing for divorce.

If there is indeed an OW it's more than likely that he'll deny it and you'll have a better chance of establishing the truth if you keep your cool and don't let on that you have any suspicions about his fidelity.

Resist any temptation to go into begging/pleading/sobbing/weeping mode because that will only make you feel infinitely worse if it transpires that he's been planning his departure for months and has already arranged alternative accomodation.

This is awful for you, but I would be fairly certain of an affair. None of it is to do with lack of sex, lack of tidiness or in fact anything lacking in you.

Does he sleep with his phone? If not, wait till he's asleep and get into it because as you say you are in the dark here and he'd never admit it. Go anywhere you won't be disturbed and go through that phone with a fine tooth comb. Also check any phone bills he's got online or on paper. The answers will all be there and then at least you'll know what you're up against.

Right I have somehow managed to log onto his fb account. We keep a joint book with passwords in it. Sounds daft but christ I never thought I'd have to snoop around. I got on and there is nothing untoward. Just boring messages from people I know. There is an "ok" from his friend who lives alone who he went to see in the week but other than that nothing. I only went on the main page though and then looked on messages.
Can he tell that someone has read his messages, I didn't delete anything of course.

How about the phone or his phone bills?

He won't be able to tell you have looked at his messages as long as they are messages that he has opened already. Don't open any newly arrived messages. Can you try looking at his list of friends and seeing any females in there that could be likely candidates? I think his mobile might be your best bet.

I bet the evidence will be on his phone rather than fb. If your daughters on fb he's presumably friends with her? So he won't want to risk her seeing anything.

He does sleep with his phone, he uses the alarm, I use mine too. I will try and sneek. He told me he isn't going out tomorrow but I don't want to loose my cool when I speak to him.
I was seriously thinking that he would leave me over lack of sex and the house not being clean enough, although again he admitted some time ago that he has never cleaned our bathroom!
God he is sounding awful! but I really don't want him to leave. I am hoping that it is some kind of male menopause thing that he is going through and that things will settle down.
He does have some redeeming features honestly but I need to know what is going on first.

What about his email account?