Dh just told me he is thinking of leaving

[feelingvunerable]

I have name changed for this.
Just looking for advice and help really.
I've been with dh for more than 20 years. We have 3 dcs together, 2 teenagers one 9 year old, they are all still at school.
I have sensed that dh has been off it and distant for want of a better phrase for at least the past week, possibly more. Anyway yesterday he said that he needed to speak to me but due to rushing around with kids activities and him going out he never did. When he came home last night he said that he felt ill and ended up sleeping in our ds bed. Ds got in with me. Previously in the week he said that because I had been talking in my sleep and had consequently woken him up 3 times he felt he should sleep in one of the kids beds and let them sleep with me. He does get up early for work and was tired he said.

After a busy day today, spend seperately but this is down to the kids activities, he announced that he was going out. I was a tad disappointed as I wanted us to maybe spend time together in the house relaxing and I had told him that I was cooking a nice meal.
When I left this morning he had gone back to bed saying he felt ill.

I asked him what he had wanted to speak about and he announced that he isn't happy and is thinking of leaving. He said that he wont talk about it in front of the kids and will take tomorrow.

I really don't know what to do.
I am aware that sexually he is feeling unsatisfied but I was hoping to try and make amends tonight now I don't think he will come near me when he gets back in.
He also said that it is other things as well.
I think by this he means the house isn't tidy enough.
I have been trying to make sure the house is really spik and span and that his dinner is on the table.
However it is bloody hard work with 3 untidy kids!

I do think deep down that he expects me to do the vast majority of the housework, even though I have always made it clear that I am not his maid.
He grew up in a household where his father did none of the domestic chores, only traditional "male jobs".
I have never seen his dad make his own cup off tea!
From the start I toldd him that if he ever turned into his dad I would leave so he knows the score.

I am so scared and am trying to keep it all in.
I know he went to see a single friend a few days ago and I think he might have made enquiries about staying with him (I am only guessing here).
The ironic thing is several friends have recently commented on how happy we seem.
He has said there is noone else.
Btw I work and cook , clean, do all the gardening ,ferry the kids around. I do look after myself but feel like shit now.

I'm with Charbon and Tony.

Man is a tool. Entitled attitudes like this don't change -> he did make a strange comment about how I can't expect our SON to iron surely.

He's talking about himself here too, you know. Surely you can't expect a MAN to do any shitwork, woman!

He had already arranged the night out without prior discussion. He had also booked leave, again without prior discussion with a partner who might have preferred that their leave was taken at different times because of childcare for their 9 year old.

Agree too that the 'grass is greener' comment was ominous and the fact remains that the H was discussing his marriage with at least 2 other people (at least 3 in my opinion ) but not with his wife, having dropped the bombshell that he was thinking of leaving and refusing to discuss it until he was ready. That is extremely controlling behaviour. The OP was in such a state by the time he deigned to speak to her, that she would have agreed to almost any request - and he knew it.

I think you both need to sit down with the kids and explain that you need a family rota and that there'll then be less shouting etc.

Your DH sounds a bit depressed but now you can see why. It's not your fault; he just hasn't talked to you about his feeligns for too long.

I'd make a point of the two of you going away together and I'm sure your DH is just missing the quality time you used to spend to spend together and just sees you as a mum and has forgotten you're his wife too.

On your part, it's easy to get bogged down with the daily grind of routine and kids clubs etc but once you've sorted out the kids and told them they need to get more repsonsible for their own stuff, you'll have more time to show how you still very love your dh.

It's really positive that you've been able to talk to your dh about it all and that he was willing to talk rather than just leave.

So, had he made the arrangements to see the concert with friends before he told you he wanted to leave? And as he took his diary and the passbook with him before The Talk he must have booked the weeks holiday after he told you he wanted to leave, needed to talk to you but went to the pub leaving you to sort the kids.

I'm sorry OP but I don't think this sounds like progress at all. I also think that if he was feeling unhappy in the marriage he should have talked to you and come up with suggestions to improve things, before kicking off and behaving like a prize tosser! It seems to be all about him, his feelings, his wants and needs. I don't see him having taken responsibility for his part in anything.

Loopydoo, your post reads as though you are suggesting the OP take responsibility for her husbands happiness, that if she panders to him he will feel so much better. Perhaps if the Op's H didn't spend so much time in the pub or running off to his mates, if he helped out more at home OP would have more time for him?

What has your H said about his behaviour prior to this Talk? e.g running off, confiding in friends, making social arrangements, refusing to talk to you until he was ready etc? I hope he has apologised and that he is making amends?

His attitude appears to be that he will see how you perform as a wife/cook/cleaner etc before making any further decisions. What about your happiness?

Also, the fact that you agree to see the band he had booked and yet he refused to go to the cinema with you shows suggest that its all about him.

I would consider making your own life richer - meet friends, see films, develop your interests/hobbies etc. It will help your own self esteem.

agreed

timeformeanddd I wasn't suggesting that at all; merely saying that imo, once they had both sorted out a better routine with the kids helping with household chores, then they would both have more time to spend with each other.

He was feeling unloved by her and vice versa. However, as the OP is the one who does most of the running around (clubs/cooking/chores etc) I meant that once they were more balanced out between the 5 of them, she could have more free time. I didn't just mean for him but for anything she wanted.

He won't even go to the cinema with you.

He is never going to get better.

You will try and try to mollify him but he is NEVER going to pull his weight around the house or do anything that doesn't suit him.

Hold maybe not but at least she will have tried, which means a lot to her, so we should support her in her decision.

Good luck OP.

My heart always sinks when feckless, self-entitled men who put their partners through absolute hell get rewarded with more treats....nights out child free, holidays, concerts etc

Rewarding bad behaviour is never a good idea, whether you are 3, 33 or 93

I agree with those saying that things seem to be all on his terms. He says he wants to do things together, which so far has meant:

• him booking a night out to see a band he likes without even consulting you

• refusing to go to the cinema at all

• a "maybe" to joining your gym, and

• a "yes" to the theatre.

He accepts that you won't be doing more housework but the solution appears to be that your children will be the ones doing the extra - except for your ds, because he can't possibly be expected to use an iron because he is the owner of a penis.

And to top it off, he gets a holiday too.

What seems to be missing is the "I'm sorry I was such a complete arse for dumping all that on you, running away to my friend to talk about leaving you, and I will never do that again".

All she does is try. All he does is moan and pressure her to pickup HIS slack.

I am just trying to point out that while she feels she is letting him down and that she could do more, she is actually doing plenty and he's the waste of space.

He should be trying to make things up to her. Instead she agrees to do a load of fun things he likes (including having more sex when the reason she doesn't want to is all down to him and his moany laziness). Thats not a good outcome, it's not going to make her happier and I can't be arsed pretending that continuing to coddle him is a good idea.

The only one who needs to be making big changes is him.

I'm glad that you've managed to talk to him, feelingvulnerable.

Unfortunately, there is nothing in your last post that mentions that your DH said he loves you or missed you while he was gone. It would bother me that he only chose to come back because his friends told him to (and probably told him what his financial position would be!). Has he told you that he loves you?

After leaving for a weekend I would expect him to be bringing flowers (or other suitable gifts) to try to apologise for putting you through such an ordeal. Like Madabouthotchoc has said, actions speak louder than words.

I agree totally with Coppertop on this one. He has manipulated this into treating you badly because you weren't responding to his bad treatment (housework expectations etc) as he wished and yet getting you to be the one working on things to make him happy.

Hope you are ok OP.

at Ds and iron comment, so his wife and daughters should slave over him and Ds...is that right?

Hi everyone.
Whilst things are by no means completely sorted I do feel better than I did.

The cinema thing doesn't bother me as it was just a suggestion I made. I'm not that over keen on the cinema tbh. The theatre is more my thing and dh has been with me but often I go with friends. He did say he would like to come with me too.
The holiday is good news as myself and the kids are already off then.

I will have to work on him regarding housework and ds. I wasn't saying that I expect ds to do all his ironing although I know many kids who do iron (well I know the parents). I used this as an example to dh but I admit his response took me by surprise but I am not going to divorce him over that.

I was quite bitter about him going to talk to his friends before me and that is why I made the comment about his single friend.
I have told him that I want us to be able to discuss things like adults and make things work.

He has also been to see his mother after I suggested it.

He hasn't said he is sorry for what he did but I can live with that for now.
I don't feel upto going through the rounds with the kids over housework just yet. We both have done in the past and I admit that they do more when he says than they do for me so there is an issue thare too. dd is still ill so I don't want to moan at her or any of them but I am looking into ways of getting everyone to do more. My friend has been through this and has offered me some tips which I will use when the time is right, in the very near future!

I'm so sorry to read what you are prepared to accept in your relationship. I wish you strength and curiosity.

Please look after yourself FV

The kids and chores thing doens't mean you have to moan at them; things as simple as picking up their stuff and putting where it lives and making sure laundry is put in the right place and beds made, cutlery laid on tea table etc, will make a huge difference to daily life.

You are selling yourself awfully short, OP. Do you really feel you deserve so little?

we gotta give up (for now) HotDAMN

the hand ain't listenin'

I sort of see where your coming from, AF et al, however it is hard to say what behaviour the poor blokes can exhibit without risking the chance of miscommunation. In any relationship I had, the gift of anything more than a carefully thought out token would be viewed by me very suspiciously. (This is partly due to being an AS female with an AS father )

What might seem sincere to you might be taken a different way by someone else in a different relationship, and of course they might, or might not, be mistaken

hard to say what behaviour the poor blokes can exhibit without risking the chance of miscommunation - picking up around the house, putting the washer on, emptying the dishwasher and pushing the hoover around would do for me. I don't even need it gift-wrapped
And I expect to be thanked for meals I cook, even if they don't meet four-star standards.

Feelingvulnerable how old is your DS?

My DS is 13 and recently started Army Cadets, they taught him to iron. The regular army does the same. Obviously ironing is not beneath them.

From your earliest posts I did think that you (inluding your DH) had allowed your DCs to rule the roost:

• you couldnt talk while DCs were about (send the DCs away)
• you didnt spend time together because of your DCs activities (you could have cancelled for one week)
• your DCs are allowed to to leave a mess and not tidy up after themselves

IMO you and your DH are to blame for this. You were prepared to extend a hiatus in your marriage rather than inconvenience your DCs.

Very good point about the army, Gnome - they don't even allow you to do the ironing imperfectly! Gotta be fast, gotta be meticulous.

I think you're being a little harsh on OP wrt to child management, though. If their father clearly treats her as a domestic servant, naturally they will do the same. They'll resent her asking them to sort their own shit out because they'll see it doing her work for her.

Another good army model is "Lead from the top." You won't see an officer ordering subordinates to do things he can't do himself. (Unless you're watching M.A.S.H. )