Dh just told me he is thinking of leaving

[feelingvunerable]

I have name changed for this.
Just looking for advice and help really.
I've been with dh for more than 20 years. We have 3 dcs together, 2 teenagers one 9 year old, they are all still at school.
I have sensed that dh has been off it and distant for want of a better phrase for at least the past week, possibly more. Anyway yesterday he said that he needed to speak to me but due to rushing around with kids activities and him going out he never did. When he came home last night he said that he felt ill and ended up sleeping in our ds bed. Ds got in with me. Previously in the week he said that because I had been talking in my sleep and had consequently woken him up 3 times he felt he should sleep in one of the kids beds and let them sleep with me. He does get up early for work and was tired he said.

After a busy day today, spend seperately but this is down to the kids activities, he announced that he was going out. I was a tad disappointed as I wanted us to maybe spend time together in the house relaxing and I had told him that I was cooking a nice meal.
When I left this morning he had gone back to bed saying he felt ill.

I asked him what he had wanted to speak about and he announced that he isn't happy and is thinking of leaving. He said that he wont talk about it in front of the kids and will take tomorrow.

I really don't know what to do.
I am aware that sexually he is feeling unsatisfied but I was hoping to try and make amends tonight now I don't think he will come near me when he gets back in.
He also said that it is other things as well.
I think by this he means the house isn't tidy enough.
I have been trying to make sure the house is really spik and span and that his dinner is on the table.
However it is bloody hard work with 3 untidy kids!

I do think deep down that he expects me to do the vast majority of the housework, even though I have always made it clear that I am not his maid.
He grew up in a household where his father did none of the domestic chores, only traditional "male jobs".
I have never seen his dad make his own cup off tea!
From the start I toldd him that if he ever turned into his dad I would leave so he knows the score.

I am so scared and am trying to keep it all in.
I know he went to see a single friend a few days ago and I think he might have made enquiries about staying with him (I am only guessing here).
The ironic thing is several friends have recently commented on how happy we seem.
He has said there is noone else.
Btw I work and cook , clean, do all the gardening ,ferry the kids around. I do look after myself but feel like shit now.

He should not be able to tell. Any new ones he had not already seen - wont be flagged up for him to view if you viewed them but he probably wont notice this unless they were life or death messages from friends that are going to send another message saying - Why have you not replied or did you get message about blah de blah.

Even if that happens - play dumb and ignorant - after all you know nothing about FB cos you dont even have an account!

I know snooping is shit and makes you feel crap but it may help you in this situation.

Did you notice any female friends on his friends list you dont know?

The FB thing sounds promising. You could do with checking and noting the car mileage when he is asleep. If he "catches" you out there snooping tell him you are looking for a lost earring or something. Note the mileage and check it reguarly. Does it match where he says he is going or been. RAC Route finder can help give you an idea of expected mileage between 2 places. This is how I found out about my H most recent unexplained absence one Sunday evening. 60 sodding unexplained miles.

Can you get to his phone at any point? If you look at it when he is asleep make sure you leave the room and go somewhere you can have a good look. Have a pen and some paper handy incase you want to note stuff down.

Where does he put the phone these days when he's asleep?

Yes he is friends with dd and tbh she is far more computer savvy than he is so I think he would know that she would work it out if he was saying things on there if that makes sense.
There are no messages that raise alarm.
There are some people on there I don't know but they were replying to things other people have said and not directly to dh. Tbh it all looked quite boring.
i am going to go to bed now and try and get some sleep.
Dh hasn't come home yet.
I wil try and log on tomorrow after seeing my friend and hopefully speaking to dh.
Once again thanks for all your support.

Well if he's not sleeping in your room, I'd set your alarm and go through the phone in the middle of the night. Where's he meant to be tonight?

Er, maybe he's 'sounding awful' because he is awful?
Sorry. I wasted too many years hoping I'd get back the man I fell in love with

Can't bear to see others wasting their lives. I'm 52 now. So jaded and warped I'll maybe only start looking for an old codger when I'm in my 60's. Please don't waste your precious time fv x

fv, I understand your need to defend his redeeming features. I'm sure he actually is a decent guys. Sadly this forum tends to exhibit the bad traits of human nature and can be a bit one dimensional. i have known the loveliest of men act like absolute cold shits when the marriage goes through a rocky stage. I hope this is just a rocky stage for your sake I really do. But for your piece of mind I hope you do a bit of peeking, however distastely it may seem, to hopefully get some answers.

This really is unaccetable OP. This man sounds like a H from the 50s or earlier.
Was he always so ctitical?
And sexist?

Where is he?
Surely he has a duty of care as a father and H to tell you where he is and when he'll be back .
Are you scared of him?

I, like a few others on here, suspect an affair. Sorry.

Did you also look at the private messages on Facebook? At the top of the page is an icon with two speech bubbles - click on that to see private messages. If you want/need to keep them, copy them with ctrl-c and put them in an email to yourself on your email acount. I get the impression you might just be looking on his 'wall' where there is unlikely to be anything incriminating.

Sorry you are going through this.

Sorry but come on have you ever considered he just doesnt love you anymore?

Its not just about the house and who does what, maybe he just doesn;t care enough anymore and thats obvious cos sleeping with you in the same bed makes him feel sick.

And there does not have to be an affair either.

after living the same and you doing everything for 20 years you have made a rod for your own back, people don't change in an hour, a week or a day.

Takes time if you havent talked to him about things how can things change?

How dare he torture you with the idea that he might leave you but he's not really that sure, oh and you're a shit housewife and where is my dinner?

He needs to man up and tell you straight what he is thinking. And if he is not thinking he needs to go somewhere else while he finds his brain.

Don't put up with it OP.

Get mad not sad...

Nice Fabby - very helpful

That wasn't very nice, Fabby.

I'm so sorry. Are you sure there is not someone else?

I would be tempted to tell him to leave, do you really want to be the little wifey?

Ignore Fabby. engage brain before typing

All long marriages have rough patches , the best thing to do is have a proper grown up discussion, listen to him, then he must listen to you, get him to tell you what he wants from you, what he thinks would be solved by him leaving, tell him that you are unhappy too, tell him what you need from him to improve the relationship.

I know that everyone says men don't leave/threaten to leave unless they have someone else to go to but that's not always the case.

It's a change to renegotiate your marriage, if it's worth saving and if he's reaching breaking point for whatever reason.

I'm not sure Fabby doesn't have a point.

Find out where you stand financially without him OP. Get the WTC in to your account (it's normally the mother like CB, so has he specifically asked for it at some point without you knowing?).

I'd seriously consider asking him to go. Tell him that you don't want him there if he doesn't know whether or not he wants to be with you and DCs.

Take some control of the situation OP. Get mad. And get your self-esteem level right up in the process

To tell someone you are thinking of leaving them, and then expect them to make the dinner and play happy families for the kids is the height of cruelty. Perhaps he thinks if you are scared he might leave you'll do ALL the housework, put out more, not complain about him going out - in other words scare you into submission. Fuck that.

I also find it hard to believe a man used to being waited on hand and foot is going to go and shard a house with another single man, whets lime scale in the bathroom would be the least of his domestic concerns.

He needs to come home and explain himself. How date he swan off leaving you to do everything in the home. It really does sound worrying. How does he get on with your teen?

Just because someone wants to leave does not denote an affair, people do fall out of love and not want to be with someone anymore, Im sick of these threads where there always has to be more than that.

Fine fabby but that doesn't excuse being unkind. There's no excuse for that, especially not with someone you once loved.

But Fabby, it is so shockenly often the case.

I too suspect an affair. He's trying to choose - you need to have a one to one discussion with no kids around - can this be arranged?

'Just because someone wants to leave does not denote an affair, people do fall out of love and not want to be with someone anymore, Im sick of these threads where there always has to be more than that.'

But people in long term committed relationships who fall out of love will usually make at least some effort to try to rekindle things, especially if there are children involved. If their first instinct is to leave then that tends to be an indication that they think they've got something better lined up.