Dh just told me he is thinking of leaving

[feelingvunerable]

I have name changed for this.
Just looking for advice and help really.
I've been with dh for more than 20 years. We have 3 dcs together, 2 teenagers one 9 year old, they are all still at school.
I have sensed that dh has been off it and distant for want of a better phrase for at least the past week, possibly more. Anyway yesterday he said that he needed to speak to me but due to rushing around with kids activities and him going out he never did. When he came home last night he said that he felt ill and ended up sleeping in our ds bed. Ds got in with me. Previously in the week he said that because I had been talking in my sleep and had consequently woken him up 3 times he felt he should sleep in one of the kids beds and let them sleep with me. He does get up early for work and was tired he said.

After a busy day today, spend seperately but this is down to the kids activities, he announced that he was going out. I was a tad disappointed as I wanted us to maybe spend time together in the house relaxing and I had told him that I was cooking a nice meal.
When I left this morning he had gone back to bed saying he felt ill.

I asked him what he had wanted to speak about and he announced that he isn't happy and is thinking of leaving. He said that he wont talk about it in front of the kids and will take tomorrow.

I really don't know what to do.
I am aware that sexually he is feeling unsatisfied but I was hoping to try and make amends tonight now I don't think he will come near me when he gets back in.
He also said that it is other things as well.
I think by this he means the house isn't tidy enough.
I have been trying to make sure the house is really spik and span and that his dinner is on the table.
However it is bloody hard work with 3 untidy kids!

I do think deep down that he expects me to do the vast majority of the housework, even though I have always made it clear that I am not his maid.
He grew up in a household where his father did none of the domestic chores, only traditional "male jobs".
I have never seen his dad make his own cup off tea!
From the start I toldd him that if he ever turned into his dad I would leave so he knows the score.

I am so scared and am trying to keep it all in.
I know he went to see a single friend a few days ago and I think he might have made enquiries about staying with him (I am only guessing here).
The ironic thing is several friends have recently commented on how happy we seem.
He has said there is noone else.
Btw I work and cook , clean, do all the gardening ,ferry the kids around. I do look after myself but feel like shit now.

Naive as always Fabby - I did family law for ten years and I never once came across a scenario such as the one described by the op where there wasn't a third party.

sorry OP but I bet there is someone else on the scene/in the wings.

yes fabby, you might be right, but you might not be. but one thing is definiate, you approached this thread with total disregard to the op's feelings. these threads you are so sick of are not just words on a screen, or a plot to a book, they are actual people with actual feelings, who are going through a terrible time. it was really mean, if your significant other said he wanted to leave you, would you want to read what you wrote? sometimes i read what you post and agree with you, othertimes you come across as a real nasty piece of work.

Sorry OP, but I also think there could be someone else. Why would a man who's skint (and who expects his dinner on the table) go out without dinner? Who fed him last night?

Did he come home last night?

He is definitely having an affair, sorry I recognise the signs.

I would pull the rug from under him and stop serving him domestically, ask for space and have a snoop (pockets, car, mobile phone, laptop, emails, internet history, credit card statements etc etc).

Fabby - on all of the threads like this one on MN, there has been a OW in the background.

It is very unusual for a man to leave his home comforts just because he wants to get space/isn't in love/dpes not like how you do the housework etc.

Oh yes, OP please, please do not try to be the perfect wife, and he will keep looking for faults to justify the affair. His mind and emotions are elsewhere and there is nothing you can do until the bubble he's in has burst which is why you really need to find evidence of his affair.

He might be having an affair, maybe not. But it isn't the 1950's so if he thinks the house is messy he can bloody well tidy it himself. Frankly he sounds like a selfish, lazy, spoilt arsehole.

Tell him to cock off.

Ach, when ever I see these threads and posters saying "it doesn't have to be an affair" I think they must be applying what women do when they are unhappy, to threads that involve men leaving. One of the reasons that women leave without someone being lined up is because they are used to looking after themselves and know they can do it; often they've been doing the work of two people for years and know that their lives will be easier on their own.

As is rarely the case with selfish fuckwits like this man, who probably can't tell the difference between an iron and a pair of hair straighteners......

From these boards it appears to be the norm that few males are able to contemplate leaving, or leave, allegedly happy mongamous relationships without the involvement of OWs.

However, in her own inimitable way, Fabby has made a valid point. In real life numerous individuals of both sexes become disenchanted with their spouses/partners and many end their unfulfilling relationships before giving any consideration to establishing romantic liaisons with others.

It remains to be seen whether the OP's dh is a man of honour or yet another lying adulterer.

Whatever the outcome for the OP, I would advise her to endeavour to retain her dignity whether or not it transpires that her dh has cast his to the wind.

Dignity is vastly overrated whereas righteous anger in these circumstances is sorely under-valued.

I don't think it 'remains to be seen' whether this is a 'man of honour' because the OP has vividly explained that he is a selfish, lazy, entitled arse. An adulterous one too, I'd bet.....

Even before he has left, I think you have the right to get the TC paid into your account.

Whilst you are in the dark as to what has happening, can you start making arrangements to make yourself a bit more secure. Eg, withdrawing some cash from account so you have some on one side, you can always say it was for school or something. Maybe take photos of his recent payslips which may be useful if it oes to divorce.

Sorry this is happening, but stay strong.

Men are like monkeys, they don't let go of one branch until they firmly have hold of another.

Timeforsomeaction - that line was brilliant, and sadly vey true.

very not vey

In my book retaining one's dignity in matters of the heart cannot be rated highly enough, Hatty, but that doesn't mean that while I may outwardly appear to effortlessly glide swanlike across a turbulent lake my webbed feet aren't working overtime* to flatten any male who deceives me

*with the proviso of 'if I can be arsed' because I don't seek to sustain intimate relationships with men who don't hold or adhere to the same values as my own.

Have a look on entitled to and work out what your income will be without him, that'll give you the knowledge you need to work out some of the practicalities of living without him. I wonder if he really does intend to leave or is he just trying to get OP to toe the line re sex and housework?

Hi
Cannot stay on long.
Spoken to friend and had a good cry.
She was shocked by whay I told her.
I ahve told him that we need to talk tonight.
He said yes when kids in bed.
dd just asked why has dad put this on fb"life can be shit at times"
This was posted today whilst I was out at my friends.
I have told him that I am not happy and whilst I am not perfect he has to talk to me because I have feelings too.
He has gone out, said to mutual friends. I've just took plunge and made an excuse to ring them. Anyway he did go there but just left. He has said he is going then to another mutual friends house will now ring them to check. Sorry so rushed feeling angry, sad, venerable etc etc.
Will update later.

Just rung second couple's house.
Spoke to their dd.
Dh not there but she said I think he picked her dad up.
Didn't want to push it and speak to her mum as not entirely sure what is happening.
Dh and her dh are very good friends, not unusual for them to nip for a quick pint.
At least he has been where he said he was thinking he might be confiding in her dh.

DO you think he would be confiding in these friends? The fact that the wife said she isn't sure what's happening makes me suspect they do know...

I;m sorry that your DD has to see that FB status - what a selfish thing to do, knowing full well it would be seen by DD and therefore worry her.

He has just texted me to let me know that he has gone out with the dh in the above post to a pub we know and he is having a couple of cokes.
He wont be aware that i've rung their home phone.

He goes out a lot!
Really hope you get some sense out of him tonight.

OP, I think he is a selfish twat for dropping these devasting hints at a possible end to your relationship and then staying away from an honest conversation. You must be out of your mind with stress and worry. Hugs to you.