Found a file saved on Partner's PC

[TwoPeasOnePod]

OK. This happened on 31st dec, been thinking about posting since then to get opinions, seeing as I can't seem to break out of the numb feeling to form one of my own. I am 25, have 2 DD's under 5 with my partner,been together about 7 years now. I am 29 weeks pregnant with our third child. We live together.

Looking through the files hes recently downloaded, whilst he was walking around in the background feeding kids etc,so I wasnt being sneaky, I noticed some general porn saved (an orgy one and a nurse-themed one) He knows it pisses me off, so I deleted them and had a bit of a whinge (not a HUGE deal to me, as our sex life is pretty non-existent due to my anaemia/seem to bleed easily after sex/hip pain)
so a 'normal' wank to a bit of vanilla porn is the best of a shitty deal to me, I feel I cant stop him using it.
Carried on randomly looking, and saw two quite different films saved that hes downloaded- one was titled something like hot german Teenager fisting, and the other was called Real Drugged Rape.
I clicked on it to see what the actual fuck it was, and as the title suggests, it appeared to me to be a young (18 to 20 at a guess) Asian woman in the back of a car, VERY drowsy/almost unconscious, being fondled/exposed/touched by some older man, filming on what appeared to be shaky handheld camera.

I skipped through it, saw a few seconds of the woman face down being raped etcetera. All of which is BURNED into my fucking memory. It pops into my head constantly, it is making me ill with stress.I felt like i was genuinley going to faint, due to shock i think, and utter, utter disgust. And I asked my partner to come and explain it. He said he "downloaded it out of curiosity" and when asked if he finds it in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER a turn-on, he vehemently denied that it is, likening it to watching executions etc that are real and available online (I didn't know he would watch that either!!) I didnt really look at the fisting one, but its the same category, relatively young woman being used and violated.

I said to him that even if the rape one isn't a film of a 'real' rape, the fantasy of raping a very young woman WHO IS FUCKING DRUGGED (or acting?! how the fuck can you know for sure) is completely wrong to me, as a mother if two DDs I cannot tolerate a person who would even look at it just out of curiosity, much less select it, download it, and then keep it. He apologised and said he is stupid, didnt 'think'.

Despite the fact he says he gets nothing sexual out of it, I am obviously not believing that. Why the fuck else would he download it? (thats a genuine question, I cant think of any other reason why, and the resulting congnitive dissonance is making me ill. I dont want to believe it is true, because it will make the imminent birth of my child etc very hard if Im alone.)

So, from a feminist point of view (am trying to use that as an approach to my life, have very low self esteem too) I am thinking I should remove him from mine and my DDs presence, I feel THAT strongly about it. He is otherwise a lovely-seeming person, a bit cold and robotic sometimes but funny, warm, and has what I would previously have described as vanilla tastes re porn, sex etc. He says fisting is normal? I didnt think so, but dont really know in terms of general acceptability.
He certainly hasnt tried to hide it as such,knowing I have free access to his PC, just dont use it. He didnt expect me to fidn it though.Also found that in the fortnight before Xmas he has joined a dating site and a 'sex in the UK' site. When I confronted him, he says it was curiosity again and he would never actually cheat, just clicked links and had a nosy.........

I feel like a total twat, due to give birth soon, and obviously at some point he is probably going to fuck me over. Current emotional situation is totally numb. I havent done anything or said anything conclusive to him about the whole thing because in the past I slept with someone else once, and so am battling with remaining objective. Because till now he hasnt put a foot wrong that I know of. I cannot believe how vulnerable he has made me feel.

Sorry for length of post but trying not to drip feed.

I think I would find it very difficult to recover in a relationship after this. Too much convenient 'curiosity' on his part and I dont believe it for a second. The rape porn and dating site would be dealbreakers for me. I'd never trust him or want to be intimate again.

WARNING the following is not for the fainthearted and anyone with a sensitive disposition is advised to read no further.

FTR, with regard to adult pornography as distinct from child pornography, Section 63 of the Criminal Justice and Immigration Act 2008 criminalises possession of 'extreme pornographic images' which is defined as an image of such a nature that it must reasonably be assumed to have been produced solely or principally for the purpose of sexual arousal which is grossly offensive, disgusting, or otherwise of an obscene character, and portrays 'in an explicit and realistic way' any of the following:

an act which threatens a person?s life
an act which results, or is likely to result, in serious injury to a person?s anus, breasts or genitals
an act which involves or appears to involve sexual interference with a human corpse
a person performing or appearing to perform an act of intercourse or oral sex with an animal dead or alive

and stipulates that a reasonable person looking at the image would have cause to think that any such person or animal was real.

Examples of images which contravene current legislation are depictions of hanging, suffocation, sexual assault involving a threat with a weapon, and the insertion of sharp objects into, or the mutilation of, the breasts or genitals.

Albeit that they may be distasteful to many, the images as described by the OP are not illegal and any person who believes that they should be would best advised to campaign/lobby their MP for amendment to current legislation.

NB: the IWF (see link provided by Blether) is a charitable body which seek to restrict access to or shut down internet sites hosted in the UK that distribute extreme/obscene images of adult and child pornography.

It should be noted that UK law is such that few purveyors of extreme pornography elect to distribute their wares on internet sites hosted within these sceptred isles.

Nor would I, Pickaday. He's absolutely vile and can't be trusted an inch. Certainly, the thought of having an intimate relationship with him would make me sick.

TwoPeasOnePod - I don't think there is anything to say that hasn't been said. My POV is that you made a mistake, he had the choice to leave you over that or not - he chose not (after a break to think about it). That has nothing to do with this and you can't allow your mistakes in the past to give him permission to treat you like shit .

It would be a deal breaker for me.

Gosh I really can't imagine why a man who pretends to himself that women being fisted during porn are well-cared for, who joins dating sites while married for a bit of a lark, is intrigued by watching 'gynaecological feats' and who urges the OP to stop engaging with all these silly women and consult a man (preferably a '21st century one') about her problems........

is divorced

What a shocker!!

In the interests of confirming that what your dp told you is plausible, I searched 'porn' in google and clicked on the first and second results which were www.pornhub.com/ and www.youporncom/.

At the time that I viewed the home pages of these two sites, the 'advertisement' feature showed moving images by way, I assume, of 'trailers' both of which depicted what appeared to be fairly brutal assaults/rapes involving anal, oral, and vaginal sex on young women

Alhough obviously staged, it appeared to me that one of the young women engaged in oral sex appeared to be distressed over and above the requirements of the 'script'.

In addition, I clicked on www.xhamstercam.com/ which also appeared on the first page of the google search results and from which I've ascertained that 'amateur' adult pornographic images are this site's 'speciality'.

To spare the sensibilties of some, I have refrained from clicking on 'convert links' in case the temptation to verify the results of my brief search proves too much even for some of those with delicate sensibilities. The curious can use the urls to see what I've seen or duplicate my search.

Suffice it to say that the home pages of these sites display graphic images of adult porn including 'fisting' and 'teen' sex but, once again, I would reiterate that these images are not illegal and that no penalty will be incurred or crime committed by anyone who downloads or otherwise retains any of the content for their personal gratification unless, of course, they are subject to existing legal restrictions on their use of the internet.

Weedom message me directly

I think there is the clue to your question, wT

Weedom - Women being fisted - well cared for - you ignorant sexist fuckwit, so you would be happy for your grown up daughter to do it then. If you do not think that coersion, abuse and rape are not common in the porn industry then it is your views that are out-dated!

Jesus, they really have got some kind of radar.

Weedom has ALL the answers then, we don't need opinions from others as weedom knows it all!!

Weedom, I do wonder whether this was a dealbreaker for your wife.

Hello OP

This is not my area of expertise,(im a police officer though quite new to the job) but i do know that what your DP has on his computer would be unlikely to be investigated in any way by the police - for all the reasons Izzy gave above.

The internet provides people with the opportunity to look at and download all kinds of very distasteful material,which however distasteful, is not illegal. A couple of clicks of a mouse and bobs your uncle.

The chances are that this video has been 'staged', and in the unlikely event that it wasnt, the chances of finding the people involved are virtually nil. It would be nigh on impossible to find the source of the video, and could have come from anywhere in the world.

I have never dealt with anyone reporting pornography before, but unless the images are technically illegal, which however unsavoury these images are, are not illegal, there would be little point in police involvement.

Im sorry if that offends anyone who thinks they should be. You could speak to a police officer, but i doubt that if you reported this, it would even get to a bobby to deal with, and would more than likely be dealt with over the phone on the basis that it is easily downloadable porn, and porn isnt illegal unless it fits the criteria outlined above in Izzys post. (child porn is covered with a different legislation)

So i would stop fretting about not reporting it and work on the bigger issues that you seem to be faced with. Your relationship is not working for you. You have for whatever reason, been unfaithful to him, and he has joined internet dating sites. He is getting his rocks off over something you find revolting, your sex life is non existent and you are having a child that was conceived not because you wanted another child with the man you love, but because he badgered you until you gave in despite having no contraception. I think there is a lot of soul searching to do.

bigger fish to fry i think OP.

Vicar I was wondering whether you would turn up to clarify whether the OP needs to report this or not. Glad for the OP to hear that she doesn't.
OP, any update?

yes OP Weedom, the separated, divorced, internet dater speakes sense

Well it may be that the images are not illegal, but from my experience...I still wouldn't want them anywhere near my home or my children.

When we had a ss report last year, for reasons some of you may know, it made mention of the porn habit of my first husband and the effect it had on my son. It IS on file, and it will STAY ON FILE.

OP is that what you want? I KNOW that my parenting is being watched, because I have chosen to marry people like weedom who think that this stuff is "normal" and "ok" and it the rest of us who should be "ashamed" for not getting it.

I get it alright. Do have any idea of the damage that is done by pornography and the normalisation of abuse? Evidently not, as you are a very damaged individual who is in complete denial, as was my first h. And I for one am bloody glad to have the weight of ss behind me against people like him, and you.

And why did O marry fuckwits like this? Because my mother was sexually abused as a child, and then sexually abused my sister...and thought that porn was "normal" it fucking is NOT!

It has taken years of very tough therapy to undo the damage caused by these people, and I feel sorry and angry in equal measure.

DO NOT downplay the affect of this stuff and the horrific attitudes that accompany it.

For the record I have never known anyone in a serious relationsship who joined a dating site out of curiosity - it's only ever to source new shagging arrangements.

Izzy I agree completely with what you say.

TwoPeas The main problem for me would be the dating and ?sex in the UK? sites as these suggest the possibility of taking fantasy to reality and that?s a worry. He may or may not act, but he needs to be brutally honest with you about his reasons for joining these sites. Porn, much as I dislike it, is just something for fantasy; no-one can help what turns them on, and just because he downloaded some dodgy shit does not mean he?s a potential rapist.

Call the Police? Why don?t you ask him where he downloaded it and then forward Crimestoppers the link if you want to get it off your chest? That way you can feel better for reporting the potential crime (but as Izzy stated it?s probably a hoax).

No idea how old he is, but if he?s around the same age as you then he?s a young virile male. How long is he going to tolerate a sex-free relationship?months?years? (I?m not blaming you at all BTW) Unfortunately, the bottom line with many men is that if they aren?t getting it at home they, sooner or later, fulfil that need elsewhere, either in porn or in RL with affairs, NSA sex from women met on dating sites, or with prostitutes.

Out of interest did he want 3 children? Do you think he feels a bit trapped in the work/kids thing? Regardless of any of that though, I think he?s behaving insensitively for not empathising with you on these issues. Did the 2 of you ever go to counselling to deal with your infidelity, and do you think it?s an unresolved issue?

Lilybeth do you realise how many rapes actually happen in porn? Please go and find out before you write-off what the OP saw, as a 'hoax'. There's enough evidence available to fill a library.

You're right that porn is designed to turn people on, but men and women have other impulses that will override those feelings; revulsion, disgust, anger. The OP felt the latter impulses, her husband clearly did not and downloaded it for keeps so that he could watch it again.

You can 'help' that, even if you're a 'young virile male' as you describe him, unless you think that men operate in a moral vacuum, can't be expected to contain their sexual responses and can only be expected to use porn and dating sites if they 'aren't getting it at home'.

Did he want 3 children? I imagine so, as he had sex without contraception at least twice and pestered his wife for sex so that the last one was also conceived without protection.

Urgh at "do you think he feels trappped in the work/kids thing?".

Infact just big fat hairy urgh at the whole "virile male" thing and how they are so held to ransom over their sexual desires

I can't believe that some women have this low opinion of all men, only idiots like Weedom think like this, otherwise why aren't all the regular male posters piling in and agreeing with him?.
Being turned on , even at faked rape scenes, is horrific, no-one downloads and keeps this shit by accident. A normal man would turn it off, absolutely disgusted, after a few seconds, not press download / save.

Hope you're ok OP

So PolarBear, now you agree that OP should not report her DH ? Finally dawned on you that some things cannot be just reported ? You really are hysterical. Goading the OP on to report her DH so that she experiences more distress in her life.

Sorry for huge delay in posting, not had a chance to read and digest everything properly. Thanks for input from the poster who is a police officer (sorry cant remember name) very helpful to give me one less thing to worry about re: it being illegal/reportable or not.

I had a long convo last night with him, and expressed calmly and rationally that I had been given advice to report it to the police (to show him the seriousness) and that I will not see myself ever having sex with him again, I can't, morally or physically. Also I said that I understand the 'process of lying' from when I cheated (eg. denying what later tturned out to be true because I was too nervous to come out with it)

So he admitted he did not do a general search for porn and the rape film came up- he did specifically search for rape, because "he wanted to see some rough sex" SO in conclusion, he did keep it to wank over, despite saying it was for curiosity.

I was shocked all over again, like I said before, noone WANTS to believe horrible things sometimes even when they are right in your face. But nonetheless. Stayed pretty fucking calm and rational, I am proud of myself because I was shaking after hearing that.

This makes me think, that in the end the rape film was downloaded for exactly the reasons he denied: to wank over and because it does turn him on. NOT out of 'curiosity'

So obviously, the exact same 'curiosity' excuse can't really be applied to the dating website/sex in uk website can it? Yet hes still maintaining that lie. Tbh I have no need to make him confess as it were, im not stupid, just have been treated poorly by someone I had misunderstood the personality of.

Long story short, asked him to leave citing all the reasons Ive been going over and over, and he has said he wants to chuck his PC away, get counselling, be there with me for the birth, work through it etc.

He's even took a day off work to 'help with DD' who is ill at the moment, so lots of lovely father/let me cook tea- /go have a nap-/just relax crap coming from him.

So, I am garnering real life support as many posters have advised, it will just have to wait till next week for now and will get through the weekend being utterly civil and detached and keeping my own space and taking DD's out.

Huge thanks to everyone who's posted, I am pleased that I now have a plan forward so to speak, even if just incredibly short term, and very sobering to read about other posters partners who have done similar, some strong women on this site