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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Found a file saved on Partner's PC

493 replies

TwoPeasOnePod · 12/01/2012 11:15

OK. This happened on 31st dec, been thinking about posting since then to get opinions, seeing as I can't seem to break out of the numb feeling to form one of my own. I am 25, have 2 DD's under 5 with my partner,been together about 7 years now. I am 29 weeks pregnant with our third child. We live together.

Looking through the files hes recently downloaded, whilst he was walking around in the background feeding kids etc,so I wasnt being sneaky, I noticed some general porn saved (an orgy one and a nurse-themed one) He knows it pisses me off, so I deleted them and had a bit of a whinge (not a HUGE deal to me, as our sex life is pretty non-existent due to my anaemia/seem to bleed easily after sex/hip pain)
so a 'normal' wank to a bit of vanilla porn is the best of a shitty deal to me, I feel I cant stop him using it.
Carried on randomly looking, and saw two quite different films saved that hes downloaded- one was titled something like hot german Teenager fisting, and the other was called Real Drugged Rape.
I clicked on it to see what the actual fuck it was, and as the title suggests, it appeared to me to be a young (18 to 20 at a guess) Asian woman in the back of a car, VERY drowsy/almost unconscious, being fondled/exposed/touched by some older man, filming on what appeared to be shaky handheld camera.

I skipped through it, saw a few seconds of the woman face down being raped etcetera. All of which is BURNED into my fucking memory. It pops into my head constantly, it is making me ill with stress.I felt like i was genuinley going to faint, due to shock i think, and utter, utter disgust. And I asked my partner to come and explain it. He said he "downloaded it out of curiosity" and when asked if he finds it in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER a turn-on, he vehemently denied that it is, likening it to watching executions etc that are real and available online (I didn't know he would watch that either!!) I didnt really look at the fisting one, but its the same category, relatively young woman being used and violated.

I said to him that even if the rape one isn't a film of a 'real' rape, the fantasy of raping a very young woman WHO IS FUCKING DRUGGED (or acting?! how the fuck can you know for sure) is completely wrong to me, as a mother if two DDs I cannot tolerate a person who would even look at it just out of curiosity, much less select it, download it, and then keep it. He apologised and said he is stupid, didnt 'think'.

Despite the fact he says he gets nothing sexual out of it, I am obviously not believing that. Why the fuck else would he download it? (thats a genuine question, I cant think of any other reason why, and the resulting congnitive dissonance is making me ill. I dont want to believe it is true, because it will make the imminent birth of my child etc very hard if Im alone.)

So, from a feminist point of view (am trying to use that as an approach to my life, have very low self esteem too) I am thinking I should remove him from mine and my DDs presence, I feel THAT strongly about it. He is otherwise a lovely-seeming person, a bit cold and robotic sometimes but funny, warm, and has what I would previously have described as vanilla tastes re porn, sex etc. He says fisting is normal? I didnt think so, but dont really know in terms of general acceptability.
He certainly hasnt tried to hide it as such,knowing I have free access to his PC, just dont use it. He didnt expect me to fidn it though.Also found that in the fortnight before Xmas he has joined a dating site and a 'sex in the UK' site. When I confronted him, he says it was curiosity again Hmm and he would never actually cheat, just clicked links and had a nosy.........

I feel like a total twat, due to give birth soon, and obviously at some point he is probably going to fuck me over. Current emotional situation is totally numb. I havent done anything or said anything conclusive to him about the whole thing because in the past I slept with someone else once, and so am battling with remaining objective. Because till now he hasnt put a foot wrong that I know of. I cannot believe how vulnerable he has made me feel.

Sorry for length of post but trying not to drip feed.

OP posts:
areyoutheregoditsmemargaret · 12/01/2012 14:21

Don't involve the police. Because of my work I know a lot about internet porn and tragically this kind of thing (and far, far, far worse) is freely available online at two clicks of a mouse,. Anyone can stumble across it innocently (obviously not the op's partner), which is why anyone with children must install filters.

Anyway, compared to what the police deal with routinely, this is negiligble (I am not saying that makes it acceptable in any way, because it doesn't) . Either they would not investigate, because the video was almost certainly made abroad, if they did it would be in a token way. But right now their involvement would bring such disruption and stress into your life at a time when you are already under unbearable pressure.

I feel desperately sorry for you, OP. I wish you all the very best. I agree with those who say talk to your midwife or a trained counsellor for more advice on what to do next. Good luck.

Becauseimperfect · 12/01/2012 14:23

Pc world should never touch your pc. They don't know what they are doing, they aren't specially trained it whizz kids, even though they charge like they are.

No need to involve a shop. She leaves the pc alone like she says and if she decides to report it, she lets the real technicians from the police look at it, rather than have some plank from pc world trample all over it.

I don't thin going to the police right now, is the right advice no. I think getting rl help and distance is initially.

GypsyMoth · 12/01/2012 14:29

Op, IMO , needs to have some sort of firm record of this. It needs recording by a third party as FACT

5 years down the line op will need to explain why she doesn't want her dd's staying every other weekend and half of school holidays with their father. She can't stand in front if a family judge and say ' I found dodgy porn on the computer so he can't see them'

She will need solid proof. I have bitter experience!

Becauseimperfect · 12/01/2012 14:35

Pc world won't record anything as FACT. I'm afraid, she'll just have a massive bill to pay and SS and the police in her house.

The only people who need this are the police. Anyone who finds dubious info on a pc, is not allowed to record it, or pry, they have to IMMEDIATLEY surrender it to the authorities.

This is OfC going on the presumption the porn is illegal, it may not be.

SarahStratton · 12/01/2012 14:42

Please report it. I was raped by a stranger, I was drugged and raped. I have no idea if, somewhere, there is a film of me. I doubt it because of the timescale. BUT, if there is, I would want it to be reported so that the sick fucks who are involved in any way - and that includes your DH, OP - get what they deserve.

I'm trying to deliberately personalise this for you OP. One day that could be someone YOU know.

You've had plenty of time to sit and think this over, now you need to DO something,

GypsyMoth · 12/01/2012 14:42

I haven't, and wouldn't, tell op to take pc to pc world, or any of those type of places!

It's likely the split will become a 'he said, she said' affair with op copping the blame for her infidelity. I feel for you op. Hope some sense can be made of this whole mess

Vicky0790 · 12/01/2012 14:43

Rik, if everyone reading this thread found these 'hidden folders' I wonder how much undesirable stuff would be found?? I find it unlikely that what was there was real, if there's a market for it then it's going to be there and it's going to be titled 'real' doesn't mean it is.

If you decide to stay with him- and I'm not saying you should, you need to make it very clear that you will not tolerate seeing anything whatsoever and I agree with a comment earlier saying that it needs to be addressed as an actual 'problem'

Only you know op what sort of man he is, how trustworthy etc and you need to come to terms with what you can put up with. He doesn't sound very nice at all Sad

Becauseimperfect · 12/01/2012 14:46

Pc world was mentioned by sp.

That's a sad story ss, but like you are thinking of yourself, she needs to think of herself and her unborn baby. I don't think the immediate fall out is going to help her, op seems to feel the same.

So why not encourage her to seek help in rl and see what happens?

HoudiniHissy · 12/01/2012 14:47

I agree that something has to be done, RL support is vital.

HOWEVER, best bet is the samaritans/WA (withhold your number and use false names to be sure) but if you contact the MW/HV as there are potential child protection issues, they are DUTY BOUND to call in SS and probably police.

Isolate the laptop, get it stored somewhere safe.

If it were me, I'd tell him to leave and if he didn't I'd call the police. I'd not tell him that I still will, but I would too! When you are recovered, the police need to see that file. It's a potential crime, and there may be stuff that HAS been deleted by him that IS illegal and that crosses other lines.

This man has to go, regardless. Either issue is THAT serious. Worse thing is that he's not even aware of the severity of his actions.

TheLightPassenger · 12/01/2012 15:07

I really feel for you, OP, having this worry through no fault of your own, because your partner likes stomach churning porn. Agree with getting impartial support and advice, at the very least, if you don't feel up to reporting this officially. I absolutely agree with BI about not getting PC World involved; they may not even find the offending material, and is it really fair on them, to deliberately expose them to such disturbing material.

oldwomaninashoe · 12/01/2012 15:08

This really isn't much of a relationship is it?.
You cheat on him (for what ever reason) so he leaves
He watches sickening porn (that upsets you) to get sexual kicks.

Only you can assess whether it is better to continue, or to go your seperate ways, but a future together doesn't look promising.

HelenMumsnet · 12/01/2012 15:10

Hello. We're going to edit the title of this thread in a mo - just to minimise the chances of the kind of people who type certain terms into Google search stumbling on this thread instead. We don't think that would be very helpful...

GypsyMoth · 12/01/2012 15:23

It would let them know our thoughts and maybe make them think twice!!

singingprincess · 12/01/2012 15:27

Ok fair point about PC world. Totally get that. It is the necessity to get this stuff logged, and as separate and distant from the OP that is important.

singingprincess · 12/01/2012 15:30

I suppose I was trying to think of getting this information to people who can help the OP without her being "blamed" by her P and causing even more rage in him.

I am sure there are better ways of doing that.

Vicky0790 · 12/01/2012 15:34

Olympia look the flying pig!

Bossybritches22 · 12/01/2012 15:40

Good point HelenMumsnet.

I totally agree with others that say the OP must do something to get this arse out of her life and I also agree that he should have his actions reported.

HOWEVER , as houdini says if she discusses it at the moment with any healthcare professional, no matter what she says they are duty bound to flag up CP issues all over her and her unborn baby.

It is not a question of NEVER reporting him but just biding her time as she is at a difficult time right now. She is alerted to his actions, her DD's are not in imminent danger right this minute and she needs to plan her next course of action.

I do think she needs to discuss this with someone in RL & I think an anonymous call to someone like WA or Samaritans will get her some objective support to help her get her ducks in a row and then when she feels it is right progress to requesting help from her MW/ GP.

I would hide the computer box, though and tell him why and that you are considering your options, OP. Don't let him fog the issue by referring to your previous infidelity, that's then this is now and it bares no relevance so don't go all guilty on him.

izzywhizzyswinterwarmer · 12/01/2012 16:42

From what you've described, the images that your dp has downloaded, albeit nauseating to many, are not illegal.

If the 'real life rape' is, in fact, images of rape being perpetrated on a non-consenting adult any criminal proceedings that may ensue will be confined to the perpetrator(s) of the act, presupposing that he or they can be identified and located. However, it should be borne in mind that many images that fall within this particular category of adult porn are carefully staged complete with shaky handheld camera to provide an 'amateur' look for the further titilation of the paying punter viewer.

With regard to the images of German 'teen'' fisting, although there is provision within German law to protect minors under the age of 18 from coercion by those over 21, the age of consent in Germany is 14 years. IME, professional (I use the term ironically) German pornographers do not seek to transgress the law of their country of residence.

Reporting these images to the police is therefore highly unlikely to produce an outcome that would satisfy some responders on this thread and, should you decide to act on any of the misguided advice given and approach your local constabulary, it is probable that all you will succeed in doing is alienating yourself further from your dp's family/friends and it will be a matter of conjecture as to whether your relationship with the father of your dc can be sustained in the short or longer term.

Viewing 'vanilla' porn can, for some, be a slippery slope to hardcore imagery and to rl sex crimes but the fact that he has viewed imagery that is particularly distasteful to you does not necessarily mean that he will attempt to enact any of these scenarios in rl or that he poses a danger to your own, or other, dc.

In the absence of a considerable stash of related or similar material, it may be that the explanation that he gave is the truth in that he did allow curiousity to get the better of him. If so, there is no reason to suppose that he found the material sexually stimulating or that he used it to get his rocks off.

As a society we are so inured to watching acts of violence and other depravity being enacted on big and small screens, both in fiction and in factual media accounts of atrocity, that the true cost in terms of psychological damage caused by pornographic imagery is overlooked by many.

IMO every voyeur of pornographic images should understand that what they are viewing remotely, so to speak, are acts that have taken place in real life and that the actors are sons, daughters, sisters, brothers, etc, who, in many cases, have been abused, ill-used, and sexually exploited from an early age.

As you have said that he has 'joined' 2 dating site, I'm less inclined to believe his contention that he clicked on these out of curiousity and IMO his reasons for signing up need to be explored in depth.

It may be, as Charbon has suggested, that he is seeking opportunity to engage in a tit for tat exercise to get back at you, as it were, for your admtted infidelity but, if he is harbouring thoughts of this nature, I would have thought he could accomplish his 'revenge' in rl and therefore doesn't need to engage with strangers on the net.

What appears to be abundantly clear from your post is that you haven't as yet discussed these issues in depth with your dp.

Therefore, IMO you are best advised to seek individual counselling for your issues of low self-esteem and, if you are unable to engage in constructive and productive dialogue with him, the pair of you should give consideration to engaging in joint counselling as exchangng views in the presence of a neutral third pary may help you facilitate a better undersanding of each other and of your individual learned and perceived opinions of certain topics.

It could be that following any such frank and full disclosure you may decide to go your separate ways but, given that his is the father of your dcs, it will be infinitely preferable to part on good terms rather than in a knee-jerk confusion of emotive recrimination and possible misunderstanding.

With reference to your current pg, this came about not because he whinged/begged for sex to which you eventually consented but because neither of you used contraception and I would suggest you address this particular issue after you have given birth.

As for bleaching your brain free of the images you've seen, time will enable you to file them under the general heading of items you wish you hadn't seen, read, or otherwise been exposed to. All sentient beings have a selection of these unwelcome items tucked away in the recesses of their consciousnesses - my own such files are extensive and occuply numerous securely locked filing cabinets unfortunately some persistent images escape to haunt me from time to time

I sincerely hope that your mind will be eased by the realisation that, on the basis of what you have said, there is no cause for hysteria or for making a drama out of a crisis, and that there is no probem that cannot be resolved one way or another sooner or later.

FTR, the above is in no way an apologia for your dp's behaviour nor should it be seen as any indication of my personal opinion of pornography

areyoutheregoditsmemargaret · 12/01/2012 17:28

izzy just explained at much more length than I had time to earlier why going to the police will not help at all, however repellent the images may be. She has excellent advice

percysgirl · 12/01/2012 17:34

TwoPeas - am sending you a hug cos I think that's what you need right now.

IMO, porn is porn. You either accept it or you don't. The type you have described as being downloaded is not illegal but not my cup of tea either - although I expect there are lots of dodgy people out there who do get off on it. I can't see how your P can explain downloading it out of curiosity. That just seems a bit far fetched to me.
The same as joining a dating site. Why would you do that whilst in a relationship (especially with you being pregnant). I know, from my own personal experiences with an ex, you don't have to join these sites to have a look. But the question is ....why would you even think about looking at them???? Confused
I agree with Izzy above. You do need to discuss everything with him or at least vent your feelings to a friend. I know you have said earlier that you have never spoken to your mum about things like this, but you never know, she might be the rock you need to lean against right now.
Am sorry I haven't been much help, but there are lots of us sending virtual hugs to you right about now xx

Gay40 · 12/01/2012 18:36

Izzy has it exactly right and I'm not sure there's anything more to add to the matter...only to say this would be an immediate dealbreaker for me and I think I'm quite liberal and tolerant.

AyeRobot · 12/01/2012 18:41

A film of real drugged rape is not illegal?

Well, it should be.

Sorry you are having to deal with this, OP. Hope you can find some clarity amongst the mess.

Vicky0790 · 12/01/2012 19:53

Very well said Izzy. I don't know if you already are, but you should be on here more oftenGrin

ImperialBlether · 12/01/2012 19:58

You could report it on this site, if you have enough information about it.

I would have the finding logged, whether that's at the police or with a solicitor. You really want to be in a strong position regarding childcare when you split up.

ImperialBlether · 12/01/2012 20:00

Sorry.

This site.

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