Found a file saved on Partner's PC

[TwoPeasOnePod]

OK. This happened on 31st dec, been thinking about posting since then to get opinions, seeing as I can't seem to break out of the numb feeling to form one of my own. I am 25, have 2 DD's under 5 with my partner,been together about 7 years now. I am 29 weeks pregnant with our third child. We live together.

Looking through the files hes recently downloaded, whilst he was walking around in the background feeding kids etc,so I wasnt being sneaky, I noticed some general porn saved (an orgy one and a nurse-themed one) He knows it pisses me off, so I deleted them and had a bit of a whinge (not a HUGE deal to me, as our sex life is pretty non-existent due to my anaemia/seem to bleed easily after sex/hip pain)
so a 'normal' wank to a bit of vanilla porn is the best of a shitty deal to me, I feel I cant stop him using it.
Carried on randomly looking, and saw two quite different films saved that hes downloaded- one was titled something like hot german Teenager fisting, and the other was called Real Drugged Rape.
I clicked on it to see what the actual fuck it was, and as the title suggests, it appeared to me to be a young (18 to 20 at a guess) Asian woman in the back of a car, VERY drowsy/almost unconscious, being fondled/exposed/touched by some older man, filming on what appeared to be shaky handheld camera.

I skipped through it, saw a few seconds of the woman face down being raped etcetera. All of which is BURNED into my fucking memory. It pops into my head constantly, it is making me ill with stress.I felt like i was genuinley going to faint, due to shock i think, and utter, utter disgust. And I asked my partner to come and explain it. He said he "downloaded it out of curiosity" and when asked if he finds it in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER a turn-on, he vehemently denied that it is, likening it to watching executions etc that are real and available online (I didn't know he would watch that either!!) I didnt really look at the fisting one, but its the same category, relatively young woman being used and violated.

I said to him that even if the rape one isn't a film of a 'real' rape, the fantasy of raping a very young woman WHO IS FUCKING DRUGGED (or acting?! how the fuck can you know for sure) is completely wrong to me, as a mother if two DDs I cannot tolerate a person who would even look at it just out of curiosity, much less select it, download it, and then keep it. He apologised and said he is stupid, didnt 'think'.

Despite the fact he says he gets nothing sexual out of it, I am obviously not believing that. Why the fuck else would he download it? (thats a genuine question, I cant think of any other reason why, and the resulting congnitive dissonance is making me ill. I dont want to believe it is true, because it will make the imminent birth of my child etc very hard if Im alone.)

So, from a feminist point of view (am trying to use that as an approach to my life, have very low self esteem too) I am thinking I should remove him from mine and my DDs presence, I feel THAT strongly about it. He is otherwise a lovely-seeming person, a bit cold and robotic sometimes but funny, warm, and has what I would previously have described as vanilla tastes re porn, sex etc. He says fisting is normal? I didnt think so, but dont really know in terms of general acceptability.
He certainly hasnt tried to hide it as such,knowing I have free access to his PC, just dont use it. He didnt expect me to fidn it though.Also found that in the fortnight before Xmas he has joined a dating site and a 'sex in the UK' site. When I confronted him, he says it was curiosity again and he would never actually cheat, just clicked links and had a nosy.........

I feel like a total twat, due to give birth soon, and obviously at some point he is probably going to fuck me over. Current emotional situation is totally numb. I havent done anything or said anything conclusive to him about the whole thing because in the past I slept with someone else once, and so am battling with remaining objective. Because till now he hasnt put a foot wrong that I know of. I cannot believe how vulnerable he has made me feel.

Sorry for length of post but trying not to drip feed.

What he downloaded was in all probability a real rape, so that's the first thing to confront. He doesn't want to, but he knows that too.

He didn't do this, or any of the dating site behaviour, out of curiosity. He did this because rape and fisting turns him on and helps him to get off and the dating sites are because he is looking for someone in real-life with whom to enact some of what he's seen.

In my view it is iniquitous to tolerate porn in your relationship, with feminism. Lots of women seem to make these strange trade-offs that 'vanilla' or 'soft core' porn is okay and somehow understandable if sex is off the menu/their partners inexplicably cannot masturbate without it, but what so many don't realise is that it often doesn't remain 'vanilla', is addictive and like any addictive substance/experience, the addict needs ever-stronger 'fixes'.

It's interesting that you describe him as 'cold and robotic sometimes' because exposure to the sort of porn he likes requires the user to lose their empathy and ability to see the women being abused as real people, who are being hurt. It's inevitable that this crosses over into their other human interactions.

You've been sitting on this for about a fortnight now and I imagine you're having constant arguments with yourself about what you know intuitively and rationally and what you would prefer to be the case.

The first step is that he needs to be honest with you. He is insulting your intelligence right now with his tales of 'curiosity'. Decide what's acceptable to you in a relationship and ask him whether he can meet those conditions. If he agrees and is being honest - then he needs to do this in a cognitive way, dealing with his own issues. He needs to make his own active decisions to reject porn and find out more about how the material he views was made. He needs to own up to looking for infidelity opportunities and find out why that is.

The thing I would advise you against is thinking that this will stop if you say "No more!" and stay with him. He will just be more careful about hiding the material and his eventual infidelity, because this will, I assure you get worse unless he deals with it.

Why wouldn't you call the police??

I know how you feel.

My 14yo SS lived with us and he was downloading a load of stuff onto his PC and basically buggered it up. My DH asked me to have a look at it before I took it to the PC shop to be cleaned out. Thank God I did. I found downloaded clips of underage sex (9 or 10 yo) - it was so bad I physically threw up. The clips had been downloaded over several weeks and he had revisited the websites lots of times. He had tried to cover his tracks but was not as clever as he thought he was.

We discussed it and decided to report it to the police for lots of reasons - firstly they can trace some of the victims in these films and help stop the abuse, if I had taken the PC to be cleaned my DH would have been arrested as he was the only adult male in the household and we would have had to have proven that he could not have downloaded these images, and also to show my SS that there is a line that you do not cross.

I can't tell you what to do. I know how violated I felt and how I could no look at SS without feeling sick. I can only say I am so sorry.

You poor love, what a horrible situation for you.

OK you are hormonal and very vulnerable right now so I can understand part of you not wanting to rock the boat with part of you wanting to never see him again.

Ask yourself this, if you weren't PG right now would you still not do anything?

I think you know the answer, but it's up to you when you do it.

yummy starwisher that is someones daughter on that video being raped, is that something that needs ignoring?

What I meant by make me break in prev post was make me do the right fucking thing as the mother of two DDs and a not-unintelligent person. Im allowing myself to be inactive on it because of being scared of having the baby soon, how fucked up is that. I am sick that he would put me in this position in late pregnancy, i guess that should be enough of a reason alone.

Awful. It's not normal for a man to get off on that. My DH watched a thing not long ago and couldn't find it horny...it was a "normal" porn but he said since he's a Father he cant forget those girls are someones child. and it no longer does anything like it did when he was a teenager.

I agree that you need to report the file.

Rape porn is disturbingly mainstream, but this won't be the first rape he's viewed and enjoyed. He may have googled and found it the first time years ago, but he now knows exactly where to look. He's likely to have his favourite sites and there are even chat forums to discuss the best ones. All users officially 'pretend' the scenes are acted, but none of them really believes that.

Ok, put it another way. Can you continue to live with him, sleep with him, trust him with your children? Do you want him at the birth when you're vulnerable? Would that all not make you sicker? What's next Christmas going to be like playing happy familieis? I'm not usually one to say leave him, but unless he can explain the innocent steps bicycle led to him accessing that, and then saving it! I really wouldn't see a future.

The more I think about it the more I think you have to speak to the police too. I was remembering how I felt at 30 weeks, having a DC already, working and how tired I was. But there is no other option is there?

Sorry, 'that's not bicycle

Also , the 'german teen' he had chosen to download...... 'teen' could well be underage, a chance men take when they look specifically at teen porn.

Yummy..... You would need a good reason in court for preventing him having contact with your girls!! Without proper proof your fears would be dismissed and you would then be handing your daughters over to him, unsupervised( by court order)

Would you still not report to the police??

I think before you report it to the police. You need to stop and think and get help.

By all means get him out, it's easy for posters here screaming call the BIB and being aghast you haven't.

But you have 2dds are pregnant, you could end up with the police all over the house, SS all over you. Are you really ready for this firework to go off?

I'm not saying he should get away with it and in an ideal world, they'd catch the guy, highly unlikely. But ARE you ready for the hell that would be unleashed?

Unbelievably selfish.

becauseimperfect so when would be the ideal time? When op has a newborn? Or wait til it's a toddler? When?

*stealth its all happened before and around this last Xmas just gone,where I believed we were having an amazing family christmas, no rows, all lovely. Yet simultaneously he was downloading/looking at all this shit. Which makes the whole thing a lie from start to finish, if hes capable of being 'happy' and still looking at that shit then he must be into it, and not just curious as he said. I also said to him that he wouldnt sign on to the dating site just out of curiosity, just to look at endless pix of womens faces and how 'bubbly' they are, surely he was looking to cheat and got caught at stage one.

I wouldnt want any of this for my daughters so why am I acting like I should have to put up with it? Ive never liked porn, it makes me jealous, insecure, but in our age group it does seem to be normal and most of my/our friends are OK with it. I dont know why Ive made compromises tbh.

He has voluntarily said he will not use his PC until i trust him again, so I guess that he would get more devious (as prev poster suggested) if he wanted to continue with such things. What would happen if I called the police, in practical terms, does any one know? would he lose his job? I know it makes me a cunt to even care about something like that when the right thing to do is report it, but I need to know.

Even if he downloaded it out of curiosity, shouldn't he have been shocked and disgusted (like a 'normal' person) and deleted it immediately so no-one would ever know what he'd done, even by accident?
I agree that this spells the end of the relationship for certain. I'm afraid I can't advise on calling the pice, I'm not sure if I would, not sure why, then again he would still want access to the DC (assuming they are his, sorry cant remember from OP and on phone) and if you haven't reported this you can't use it as a reason to deny access for their safety.
Sorry you're going through this, and good luck with your new little one. Your friends and family I'm sure will be only too happy to help. I know I would if you were a friend of mine.

Twopeas you are stronger than you imagine. You would not be here asking for advice is your real sense that this is not on wasn't nagging at you; making you question what you thought was a real and good relationship.
Yes you feel numb; it is the natural reaction to a shock. and you have had multiple shocks. You have seen real evidence of what may have been a crime. In addition, you have had the rug pulled from under you regarding your relationship. All while you are pregnant.
I speak as someone who discovered that her 'D' H had joined dating sites 'only to look at porn'. As someone who's 'D' H wanted her to look at and simulate enjoyment of porn that was becoming more depraved. As someone who pleaded with him how he could look at this and then look at his baby daughter. He asked me not to ruin it for him. Someone who's 'D'H left the family home because I said he had gone too far....and took only his stash of downloaded porn.
I am struggling not to over-identify with your story or hijack your thread but you cannot go on with this man. How can he be a true support to you in pregnancy or labour? Do you want him to be the father to your children?

I am not saying that its the end of your relationship with him- but he has to do all the heavy work now to make it happen. He has to have insight that porn is an addiction and that 'vanilla' only leads to more and more stuff. I have read the research and how the brain changes to demand more and more stimulation to get the same 'high'.

He has to realise that 'cold turkey' can bring him back to a place where he can have a real relationship with a real woman. But he wont do that unless you give him a clear signal that this is broken. And if he wont work to fix it? Well better you know now...
Finally....consider this. At the moment your girls are small- but in a few years they will be old enough to use computers by themselves- do you want them to know this stuff exists before they are adults?
Contact www.womensaid.org.uk/default.asp. They will understand and help.

Op, how long until your own dds are teenagers? Bring in teenage girls to the house?

No it's not SS, actually read. I'm not saying he should get away with it, or she shouldn't report it eventually, if that's what she wants to do.

But she needs to take a step back from the Internet warriors screaming at her to phone the police immediately, if she does not feel ready.

If he has illegal porn, it's going to rain a whole tonne of shit on her door, and she needs to be prepared for it, she is heavily pregnant.

If she took 5 mins out to wait for her health, that's not selfish, so fucking easy to order people what to do from your sofa eh?

OP, I really feel for you; it must have been awful to see, especially while pregnant.

I think it's very unlikely that your partner downloaded the files out of mere curiosity. Even if that's true, someone with empathy would surely have been so disgusted that they would have deleted the files immediately.

What I find much more chilling is that your partner hasn't even admitted that the files are extreme and has instead tried to convince you that they are mainstream. This is absolutely not the case: they are fetishistic, extreme, violent, and most likely illegal. Had he shown some remorse you might be able to resolve this all in your mind. I think what you're rightly finding worrying is his cold reaction.

If nothing else, I think you need some space to reconcile all of this, and you need to make him see how serious his actions are and how his desensitisation and lack of horror are not normal. Please don't just carry on as normal.

Look after yourself and your girls - and I guess be thankful that you found the files, not them. If your partner can't see how damaging seeing something like that would be to a young girl, he has a very concerning lack of empathy.

Very hard for you, is there someone you can talk to (in RL), a close, respected friend (the type who's really knowledgable & sensible? But also down to earth) or even a Health Visitor/Nurse.

Just to talk in RL about this, talk it through with someone, might help you to be more clear about what to do.

Going to the police is a big step, you mentioned that you feel you can't tell anyone because he's so well-respected, but talking to someone in RL would be a smaller step than going straight to police. Then you would feel supported in your decision to speak to the police.

Op the chances are if it's illegal porn with dc's in the house, SS will become involved, the police will conduct a search.

What's his job?

She discovered this last year and has sat on it.