Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not sure how to feel about this - DH and DD

425 replies

MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 14:27

We have been together for ten years and generally have an ok relationship. We have had rough patches but it seems to be fine now. My DH has told me a few times that he is sure we were brought together so that he could reconnect with my DD((11) who he apparently knew from a previous life. Yes I was mortified especially because the reason we got married was not because I had a DD from a previous relationship but because I got pregnant with our DD two months into the relationship and we were in love. He has said this in various ways another version being he gets on well with my DD because she is a younger version of me. I feel odd about it. They do get on very well and DD generally runs to him when she has a problem but she also has this strange thing where she turns everything into a competition with me. When I put on make up she will do the same and say "look mum mine looks better than yours". She also thinks she takes care of DS(8 months) better than me. I ignore it because I find it funny sometimes but recently I cant even talk to DH without her cutting in to talk to him as well and he generally stops talking to me and goes off to do whatever she wants. And when we go anywhere in the car DH prefers her to sit with him in the front. I feel odd about the whole thing, tell me I am over reacting and that this is very normal. My other DD is not like this at all so I don't have anything to compare it to.

OP posts:
MudAndGlitter · 28/12/2011 14:33

I'm sorry I have no experience of this but it sounds a little strange.
Hopefully someone will be along with some advice.
Have you spoken to your DD about it?

kodachrome · 28/12/2011 14:33

Do you suspect abuse?

MudAndGlitter · 28/12/2011 14:34

Actually I've just read your OP again and I would be worried. It doesn't sound normal, I definately don't know any step dads that are like this.
Does he know it makes you feel uncomfortable?

SarahBumBarer · 28/12/2011 14:35

I don't think the competitiveness sounds abnormal which is not to say that it should not be dealt with but your DH's disrespect and refusing to enforce boundaries (the car seat etc) is inappropriate. I would tend to tell you to trust your instincts.

squeakytoy · 28/12/2011 14:36

No, it's not normal.

How does he treat his own daughter?

MudAndGlitter · 28/12/2011 14:37

Does he make a big deal of her when she does the competition with you?

Cinderfella · 28/12/2011 14:37

For a start whose the grown up here - if you want to sit in the front of the car then bloody well do so.

The competition between the 2 of you - I would just ignore her comments - don't laugh/sigh/answer back just continue with what you're doing.

Speak to DH and tell him that when you are talking you would prefer that he hears you out before he disappears to help DD. When she interupts ignore then calmly state "we are talking, please give us 5 minutes and then we can help" and continue to ignore.

She is running the show and you need to get back into the big top and become ringmaster again!

Xales · 28/12/2011 14:39

You need to reassert yourself as top female.

It is fine for your DD to stretch her very young wings in a safe way with him (he is not her dad after all).

However you need to chat to him and remind him she is a young girl. She is your DD and that you do not take back seat to her.

If she cuts across your conversation you need to remind her that it is rude to interrupt and to wait until you are finished. Ditto the sitting up front if you want to sit there you as the adult get to sit there.

If she gets upset about it, so be it, she is a child she is not in charge.

If he gets upset about it the look closer at your gut feelings you may have a bigger problem!

MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 14:40

I havent spoken to DD about it. I am too scared of making a big deal out of nothing. The possibility of abuse is always at the back of my head because I was abused by my dads friend when I was 14. DH knows about this and I am slightly worried I am projecting my experience on an innocent situation so I generally push it to the back of my head. He lies with both DD till they go to sleep at night and they generally go to his bed when they have nightmares but I dont think he is messing about with them. I have been telling both of them for years to tell an adult if anyone including their parents does anything like that to them

OP posts:
Xales · 28/12/2011 14:40

x post with cinder

TheRocks · 28/12/2011 14:41

Please tell me you don't actually agree to let her sit in the front of the car whilst you sit in the back like a child??

Regardless of what he says, you're also an adult and have equal say! If he doesn't like it, tough!

(and it does sound very weird and abnormal.)

kodachrome · 28/12/2011 14:42

At 11 he lies in bed with her until she goes to sleep?!

MudAndGlitter · 28/12/2011 14:43

His bed? Do you have seperate beds?

TheProvincialLady · 28/12/2011 14:46

It all sounds pretty creepy TBH. Before you said that he lies with your children while they go to sleep I was going to say that you need to talk to him about how his behaviour undermines you, but actually now I think you need to consider what you, he and your daughter are getting out of this relationship. It sounds like your daughter will be damaged by this in the long run even if there is no sexual abuse (yet).

TooEasilyTempted · 28/12/2011 14:46

They generally go to his bed when they have nightmares

You don't share a bed with him?

Dee03 · 28/12/2011 14:46

Sounds very odd and very worrying to me

Cinderfella · 28/12/2011 14:47

What do you mean his bed?

MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 14:47

TheRocks I generally do agree to sit in the back with the baby because he cries sometimes. CinderfellaI have tried doing the "give us five minutes we are talking.." but he usually ends the conversation and goes to talk to her. Squeaky he finds his own daughter difficult to get on with, she is a sweet girl but needs to compete with her sister all the time for his attention as well and she generally ends up angry with him a lot of the time because he will play for a long time with DD1 but not with DD2 nad then he gets frustrated she wants too much of his attention.

OP posts:
pictish · 28/12/2011 14:49

Well...as a starting point, get her in the back seat where she bloody belongs, and stuff what your dh or her have to say about it.

MudAndGlitter · 28/12/2011 14:50

This is all a bit strange. No wonder you're not sure of it all.
The bed thing is inappropriate IMO. Also he shouldn't be putting one DD before the other.

MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 14:50

We used to share a bed but when I was pregnant I moved to the guest room cos he snored a lot. Now I have moved back into our bed but cosleep with the baby and he has moved into the guest room because he the baby kicks him a lot and he needs to go to work in the morning

OP posts:
TheRocks · 28/12/2011 14:51

Jesus Christ.

pictish · 28/12/2011 14:53

It certainly all seems a bit odd on the face of it.
Blatant favouritism as well.

MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 14:54

In the past I have asked him not to sleep with them until they fall asleep. But this is the only time our second DD has his full attention without her elder sister barging in and she took it badly that he wont lie with her so I relented. I do check on them when he is putting them to sleep and nothing untoward is going on. But I feel terrible checking on him like that!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 28/12/2011 14:54

This bizarre behaviour and really needs to be addressed.

It is not right for a father or stepfather to be lying with 10 and 11 year old girls until they go to sleep.

It all sounds very inappropriate too. There are different boundaries being crossed and you are heading for a hell of a lot more trouble when these two girls get into their teens, which isnt far off.

How does he behave towards his son?

Swipe left for the next trending thread