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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure how to feel about this - DH and DD

425 replies

MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 14:27

We have been together for ten years and generally have an ok relationship. We have had rough patches but it seems to be fine now. My DH has told me a few times that he is sure we were brought together so that he could reconnect with my DD((11) who he apparently knew from a previous life. Yes I was mortified especially because the reason we got married was not because I had a DD from a previous relationship but because I got pregnant with our DD two months into the relationship and we were in love. He has said this in various ways another version being he gets on well with my DD because she is a younger version of me. I feel odd about it. They do get on very well and DD generally runs to him when she has a problem but she also has this strange thing where she turns everything into a competition with me. When I put on make up she will do the same and say "look mum mine looks better than yours". She also thinks she takes care of DS(8 months) better than me. I ignore it because I find it funny sometimes but recently I cant even talk to DH without her cutting in to talk to him as well and he generally stops talking to me and goes off to do whatever she wants. And when we go anywhere in the car DH prefers her to sit with him in the front. I feel odd about the whole thing, tell me I am over reacting and that this is very normal. My other DD is not like this at all so I don't have anything to compare it to.

OP posts:
MudAndGlitter · 28/12/2011 14:56

Can you take elder DD out for a bit so DD2 has time with her dad?

Spuddybean · 28/12/2011 14:56

This sounds really strange - can i pick up on the 'previous life' comment. What exactly has he said about that? Because that sounds as though he feels they were destined to be 'together' in some way.

This all sounds quite creepy. She is not able to understand why she acts in a certain way around him - she is playing out roles for attention in a 'safe' environment. However, he sounds as though he is engaging with her on the same level. As if there is come 'chemistry' there.

Original poster
MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 14:57

pictish believe it on not on the one day I tried insisting she sits in the back the baby cried and cried and I was accused of making it a nightmare journey for all of us. Never mind that I was relegated to the back even before the baby came. My solution is not to go in the car with them unless I absolutely need to.

OP posts:
TooEasilyTempted · 28/12/2011 14:57

I think if you feel odd about it all, which you've said twice in your OP, then it doesn't matter what anyone on here says, you're not comfortable with it all and it has to change.

Fwiw I find the whole 'knowing your DD in a past life' and getting on with her so well because she's like a 'younger version of you' a bit uncomfortable and I wonder What's he going be like with her when she's a teenager. What you've described with the car arrangements and breaking off conversations with you to listen to her is almost as if he's acting as if he's married to your DD, not you. Hmm

starsintheireyes · 28/12/2011 14:58

Id have to agree, this is not normal as Id personally be quite wary about the whole situation. She needs to be put back in her place, she is 11-YOU are the adult and alpha female.
The bit about him lying with them till they go to sleep-IMVHO that needs to stop immediately, I dont even know anyone who does that at that age with their own biological children, never mind step parent, that would ring alarm bells for me in a big way, likewise them going to his bed, I think you need to make some very very clear boundries in regards to him and your dc and tell them they have to stop doing it as at 11 its (imo) very innappropriate.
As for her cutting into your conversations-if he lets her despite you saying hang on, then you need to have words with him, it sounds like hes trying far too hard to be their friend when in fact he should be a parent figure who disciplines off the same page as you.

alicethehorse · 28/12/2011 14:59

"My DH has told me a few times that he is sure we were brought together so that he could reconnect with my DD((11) who he apparently knew from a previous life."

This is a very strange thing to say. Does he have a religion that believes in reincarnation or has he just plucked this from nowhere?

The whole thing sounds strange to me. I think your instincts are absolutely correct to feel this isn't right.

You said you had rough patches with your DH, do you mind if I ask what they were caused by?

solidgoldbrass · 28/12/2011 14:59

This is really Not Good. Even if he isn't planning to involve his dick in this situation at some point soon, he is giving your DDs a very unhealthy view of relationships - the fact that he reckons he 'knew your DD in a previous life' would have made me boot him out of the house on the spot. It's a profoundly inappropriate and unpleasant thing to say.
I would seriously advise you to seek some sort of professional advice, perhaps starting with the NSPCC who you can speak to anonymously. But you have to take charge here. This man is not the boss of the household and not the owner of the rest of you; he needs putting in his place. He either behaves appropriately or leaves.

squeakytoy · 28/12/2011 14:59

My solution is not to go in the car with them unless I absolutely need to.

So you have been effectively forced out of car journeys with them, as well as your bed.

I am sure he made it seem like it was "your choice".

How well did you know this bloke before you started seeing him?

starsintheireyes · 28/12/2011 15:01

Oh and the bit about knowing her from a previous life etc etc.....very odd and just adds suspicion to the whole big picture, it comes across as hes almost having a relationship with her not you Shock

I think you know by posting here that this really isnt on, now you need to put it right.

rainbowinthesky · 28/12/2011 15:02

What the fuck? You need to seriously step up here and do something. I hope to god he is not abusing your dds but this sounds very odd and you need to ensure you are fully protecting your kids.

rainbowinthesky · 28/12/2011 15:03

You dont go in the car with them? He says he knows your dd from a previous life - this alone would have had me running to the hills. Please get some help.

alicethehorse · 28/12/2011 15:03

Does he tell your DD that they knew each other in a previous life?

I'm not sure how an 11yo would process that. It's definitely not appropriate.

rainbowinthesky · 28/12/2011 15:03

I hope this thread is a wind up.

KissMyShineyRedA · 28/12/2011 15:04

Agree with rainbow. Please step up and take charge before something awful happens, unless it already has.

Bohica · 28/12/2011 15:05

How many children do you have together and how old are they? Sorry I'm only iPad so can't scroll.

I think you are having problems controlling your 11 yr old and your DP isn't backing you up.

It all sounds a bit odd and as a mother of 3 girls I worry about how you will cope with teens tbh

FairstiveGreetings · 28/12/2011 15:05

I was relegated to the back even before the baby came. My solution is not to go in the car with them unless I absolutely need to.

OP this is NOT a solution! This is enabling your dd to literally 'push' you out of you seat and take your place. She is seeking affirmation from a male. This is a dangerous pattern to set for life. Have you noticed what she is like around other males in her life? Teachers, for example. I work in a school and see this 'pre-sexual' behaviour in girls occasionally, from about the age of 7 or 8. It just gets more pronounced when they try to make themselves look older by use of makeup, clothes and body language. They tend to enter into sexual relationships early and with much older males.

pictish · 28/12/2011 15:05

He did not know her in a previous life - what an inappropriate, oddball thing to say. And she is NOT a younger version of you, either - she is herself, her own person, an individual.

He has some very strange ideas hasn't he?

alicethehorse · 28/12/2011 15:06

The very fact that you're posting about this here looks to me like you've come to a point where you know you have to do something, is that right?

The NSPCC might be a good start as SGB suggests. Their helpline number is 0808 800 5000

Original poster
MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 15:07

squeaky he loves his son. He knew him in a previous life as well, actually he knew all of them in a previous life apart from me. So my one role in this life was to bring them all back together - on some days I thinks he is a tab bit narcissistic to think like that. spuddybean about the previous lives, he had a past life regression therapy a couple of years ago and he tells me she is his sister from a past life.
I am worried about when she is a teenager as well because she is getting little breasts now. I carefully asked him if he felt uncomfortable when she hugged him because he had changed so much and he said he puts space between them when he lies with her.
tooeasily it feels like that sometimes. I have considered telling him that since I have done the good job of bringing him together with all these gorgeous people from his past life its time for me to find and connect with my family from a past life as well - even writing that seems absurd. Am shocked he says it with a straight face!

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 28/12/2011 15:07

What made you marry him? Do you still have sex together?

squeakytoy · 28/12/2011 15:07

Does your daughter have any contact with her biological father?

TheRocks · 28/12/2011 15:07

I assume you don't drive OP?

I can't get over the car thing. I know the other stuff sounds more serious but the car thing is a very, basic sign that you're pretty low down in the pecking order here!
You say your DD thinks she's better with the baby than you are? there you go then - get her in the back and she can see to the baby.

God I almost want to have a go and your DH myself!! how dare he treat you so disrespectfully!! Do NOT avoid car journeys with them, sounds like that's exactly what they both wanted!

kodachrome · 28/12/2011 15:07

Seriously your solution is to absent yourself? You should be at the heart of your family, not put yourself on the outside looking in at a very peculiar relationship between your dd and her stepdad. You need to protect her.

rainbowinthesky · 28/12/2011 15:08

You do know he is barking mad and you are responsible for keeping your dc safe.

Taghain · 28/12/2011 15:08

I see the "every man is a paedophile" band is out already.

Be grateful that your DP gets on well with your daughter. You do need to be more assertive, in making sure that she doesn't interrupt and getting more time with your man, but I cannot imagine there is anything sexual going on - surely she would try NOT to spend time with him if there were abuse. Being stroppy is part of being 11.
Our DD occasionally got into bed with both of us up to the age of 15... she still gets on v well with her father at 24. Kids sometimes bond better with their parent of the opposite sex, it is normal!

Overall I think there is not a great deal to worry about.

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