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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure how to feel about this - DH and DD

425 replies

MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 14:27

We have been together for ten years and generally have an ok relationship. We have had rough patches but it seems to be fine now. My DH has told me a few times that he is sure we were brought together so that he could reconnect with my DD((11) who he apparently knew from a previous life. Yes I was mortified especially because the reason we got married was not because I had a DD from a previous relationship but because I got pregnant with our DD two months into the relationship and we were in love. He has said this in various ways another version being he gets on well with my DD because she is a younger version of me. I feel odd about it. They do get on very well and DD generally runs to him when she has a problem but she also has this strange thing where she turns everything into a competition with me. When I put on make up she will do the same and say "look mum mine looks better than yours". She also thinks she takes care of DS(8 months) better than me. I ignore it because I find it funny sometimes but recently I cant even talk to DH without her cutting in to talk to him as well and he generally stops talking to me and goes off to do whatever she wants. And when we go anywhere in the car DH prefers her to sit with him in the front. I feel odd about the whole thing, tell me I am over reacting and that this is very normal. My other DD is not like this at all so I don't have anything to compare it to.

OP posts:
kodachrome · 28/12/2011 15:34

The presence of another child won't prevent abuse if he is abusive.

rainbowinthesky · 28/12/2011 15:34

Maybe he "met" her properly when she was 3 as this is when he realised who she really was.

MudAndGlitter · 28/12/2011 15:35

Oh that makes more sense!
Has this thread made you more aware that it's not all normal? Could that be why you are crying! I think you need to talk to professionals tbh but i really hope you get this sorted one way or another soon.

rainbowinthesky · 28/12/2011 15:36

Sorry - crossed posts with you saying you are crying, I shouldnt have made a joke. It just sounds so ludicrous. I couldnt take someone like him seriously.

squeakytoy · 28/12/2011 15:37

What are his parents like?

Did you know any of his friends when you met him?

He sounds incredibly dodgy.

Original poster
MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 15:37

DH and I are from different countries and at the time we met my daughter was living with my parents because I was very depressed after leaving my ex. thats why they met when she was 3.

OP posts:
alicethehorse · 28/12/2011 15:37

I'm sorry, MademoiselleDuPont, this can't be easy, I hope you're doing OK. You're bringing up some difficult issues as it sounds like you know they need dealing with and so I'm not surprised you're crying, it sounds like you've suppressed your own feelings for a while now.

I hope you're OK and find the strength you need to deal with this situation.

Sending you

Original poster
MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 15:39

squeaky They have the biggest room in the house and they like to play in there. the guest room is quiet small and has a single bed and nothing else. Neither DDs want to move in there

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 28/12/2011 15:40

So, you had your second daughter before your husband had even met your first daughter????? Confused

rookiemater · 28/12/2011 15:40

OP you and your Dh need to agree on what is acceptable and what is not.

A family conference implies that your DCs have equal input and I would suspect that whatever you say your DH will side with your DD1 not you, thus further reducing your parental power.

Cinderfella · 28/12/2011 15:41

I asked what kind of parent he was and your response was "He met her when she was three. And has been a lovely parent" I thought she was a baby when you got together?

When did things change?

squeakytoy · 28/12/2011 15:41

Neither DDs want to move in there

Who is in charge in this house?

Where is your son going to sleep?

Original poster
MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 15:42

His family is lovely! And I personally think DH is a little bit of a confused adult sometimes. But I love him and apart from these problems which started fairly recently (since he went and had past life regression therapy) we have had a good relationship. I dont think leaving him is the solution but I need to be more assertive both with him and my daughter.

OP posts:
Cinderfella · 28/12/2011 15:42

X post.

So when did he and her start the strange behaviour towards you?

Spuddybean · 28/12/2011 15:44

Sorry, this all sounds really bizarre. It also sounds as though you are putting adult feelings and responsibilities onto your DD. Rather than seeing it as an issue with your DH.

I think the fact that you 'have checked' for abuse signs shows you know the relationship has crossed an acceptable boundary, whether it be physical or not.

I think he also sounds bonkers and because of your past you have tolerated it, but it just isn't normal.

Does he say this past life and world ending bollox to the dc? If so that can be very frightening and confusing. He (and you) sound like you may benefit from some sort of psychological help.

whatdoiknowanyway · 28/12/2011 15:45

Taghain I was abused by my grandfather. I hated the abuse but I still sought him out when I went to his house as my love for him predated the abuse, I was a child and I struggled to make sense of it all.
I said nothing to anyone as I knew if it came out it would shatter the family. I never expected it to happen, tried hard not to be alone with him but was still surprised every time it did happen as I couldn't accept my lovely grandad would do that sort of thing. Not the worst abuse - prolonged kissing on lips and inappropriate touching -but still enough to have a lasting impact on me.
Many years later I learned that he bathed his own daughters up to the age of 13. He told his son in law that he and my grandmother hadn't had sex since their youngest daughter was diagnosed with a serious health condition aged 9. There were obviously unresolved issues.
To this day no one in my family knows about the abuse. My grandad was universally liked, loved and respected. You CANNOT always tell if something is going on.

TheRocks · 28/12/2011 15:46

I wouldn't be surprised if OP ends up in the guestroom whilst the rest of the family organise bedrooms when DS is old enough.

rainbowinthesky · 28/12/2011 15:47

An hour ago your relationship was generally ok but now it is good. Sorry but I am not sure how it is possible to have a healthy adult relationship with some one who has obvious mental health issues. (I don't believe in past lives at all)

Original poster
MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 15:47

Yes I had my second DD before he met her that's why in my original post I said I was mortified because we initially got married because I was pregnant with DD2 and were in love. I feel guilt because I feel like I should have been stronger after leaving ex and kept her with me and not my parents. But I had to focus on finishing my degree and I couldnt under the circumstances. In the end I finished with a first and all the time kept telling myself I was doing it for us - DD and me. Now am not too sure

OP posts:
FairstiveGreetings · 28/12/2011 15:49

I honestly dont think he is abusing her but you do check up on them when they are in bed together. And you do have concerns about their relationship. So something is not right.

Why did you carefully ask him if he felt uncomfortable when she hugged him? Why are you dancing around this issue. I have never felt the need to ask anyone if they felt uncomfortable hugging my daughter because her breasts began to grow.

I really think that you should speak to a family therapist. initially on your own, but then with your daughter to help build a better relationship with her. She needs your guidance and she needs you to be a parent, not a friend. You seem too concerned about upsetting her and that's not really what she needs.

Your dh? Well, he's a strange one. I think either he is favouring your dd intentionally because he does want a particular 'relationship' with her, either now or in the future, or he really has no clue how to parent. Either way, he needs some counselling too.

Didn't Woody Allen end up marrying his step-daughter? I can't remember how old she was when he married her mother but these things do happen.

Spuddybean · 28/12/2011 15:50

I also agree with the post above about not having a family conference. I would agree things first with DH, then tell the dc. If you bring this up in front of them all at the same time he may disagree, and this divides you more in front of the children.

rainbowinthesky · 28/12/2011 15:50

What do your parents and your friends think of him?

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 28/12/2011 15:51

your post gives me the heebie jeebies, frankly.

He was meant to meet you so that he could 'reconnect' with your daughter who he knew in a past life? As who? Who was she to him in this bollocks previous life?

She's a younger version of you?

He lies in bed with her? You said that he said he "he puts space between them when he lies with her" but he shouldn't be lying down in bloody bed with her!

He sits her in the front with him? ok, normally I'd say no big deal, but it seems to have some sort of significance when you put it with the other things.

Sorry, but your story gives me the creeps. He sounds disturbed, frankly.

It is not normal and you need to be looking at him and not at your daughter. Your statement that you don't know if it's normal because your other daughter isn't like this and you have nothing to compare it to is sooooo missing the point! It's not your daughter's behaviour you need to be looking at - it's your bloody husband's!

Chubfuddler · 28/12/2011 15:52

Can I just ask why your reaction when you met a man who claimed to have known your toddler in another life was to marry him and have his children, rather thzn run very fast?

LadyBeagleEyes · 28/12/2011 15:54

Do you believe in all this reincarnation crap too OP?
And what's more is that what you're teaching your daughter?
And is your DH also telling them that the world is ending in 2012.?
He has some seriously weird ideas, but you don't seem to question them in any way.

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