Not sure how to feel about this - DH and DD

[MademoiselleDuPont]

We have been together for ten years and generally have an ok relationship. We have had rough patches but it seems to be fine now. My DH has told me a few times that he is sure we were brought together so that he could reconnect with my DD((11) who he apparently knew from a previous life. Yes I was mortified especially because the reason we got married was not because I had a DD from a previous relationship but because I got pregnant with our DD two months into the relationship and we were in love. He has said this in various ways another version being he gets on well with my DD because she is a younger version of me. I feel odd about it. They do get on very well and DD generally runs to him when she has a problem but she also has this strange thing where she turns everything into a competition with me. When I put on make up she will do the same and say "look mum mine looks better than yours". She also thinks she takes care of DS(8 months) better than me. I ignore it because I find it funny sometimes but recently I cant even talk to DH without her cutting in to talk to him as well and he generally stops talking to me and goes off to do whatever she wants. And when we go anywhere in the car DH prefers her to sit with him in the front. I feel odd about the whole thing, tell me I am over reacting and that this is very normal. My other DD is not like this at all so I don't have anything to compare it to.

He has your daughter competing with you for the Alpha Female role in the household....he encourages this and takes her side!

It's wrong, and whatever else may or may not be going on here....this has got to stop. And now!

squeaky he loves his son. He knew him in a previous life as well, actually he knew all of them in a previous life apart from me. So my one role in this life was to bring them all back together - on some days I thinks he is a tab bit narcissistic to think like that

He isnt a narcissist, he sounds like a bona fide nutcase!

If this isnt a wind up, then you really do need to seek help, for yourself, and for your kids, who are all going to end up completely fucked up with this sort of behaviour going on.

Dont be ridiculous Taghain - there are many worrying things here which is why the op posted them in the first place. It's also wrong to ignore them.

I really urge you to seek a proffessional opinion about this, honestly it all sounds so odd, if you cant take on board what were all saying on here, at least phone the nspcc or similar organisation for some advice, please, for the sake of your children.

Good point Rocks

Look, this man is nuts and you have some issues yourself. While you don't need to air your past traumas on here if you don't want too, you are unusually passive and deferential. Perhaps you had a controlling father or XP? Or were brought up to think of yourself as the least important person in any situation. Or maybe there is a lot of wierd superstitious nonsense in your upbringing, because this 'past life' stuff is a crock of shit and sounds very, very dangerous to your DC as this man is clearly seeing them as objects in relation to himself rather than as people.
Reach out, get some help, get yourself and the DC away from him.

oops pressed before I said - if DD thinks she's so fab with DS then she should sit with him for long journeys

Taghain - victims of abuse do not always despise their abuser. Sometimes it is quite the opposite...they are made to feel special and respected and loved by their abuser.

I'm not sure that there IS abuse going on here....I think probably not...but the fact that she runs off to bed with him is no proof that it isn't. Your viewpoint is very simplistic.

This set up is inappropriate, either way.

It is all mad as anything and to be fair I struggle to believe this is real.

If it IS real, then my doubts shoul illustrate how bonkers and weird it all seems!

Rocks I do drive and DD sits in the front with me when I drive. I think she just likes sitting in the front. I agree with letting her sit in the back if she is that good with him

Actually after reading your later post -

This is either an odd wind-up thread or your husband has mental health issues. If it's the latter, I would advise you to seek professional help. If he truly believes such oddities who knows what he's capable of.

The most worrying thing about what you have said so far is the way in which he is (in your dd's eyes) establishing himself as the senior adult and sole point of contact for her. HE lies with her whilst she goes to sleep??? If she crys out nthe night HE goes to her??? everything else you say shows us that he singles her out for special attention, Encourages competition between her and the other children? makes her feel she is the most important member of the family over his wife and own blood child???

These are all classic signs of grooming for sexual abuse. He is establishing so much conrtol over her, whiat at the same time making very clear to her yourpowerlessness to do anything, that if he ever does abuse her she will feel completely unable to turn to you...because after all, you are a lower member of the family with no say, and no power over him, right?

Please look at the information on www.nspcc.org.uk/Inform/publications/downloads/protectingchildrenfromsexualabuse_wdf48012.pdf this leaflet. A lot of what you describe is in here. I sense you feel powerless in the face of this man and what he is perpetuating in your family setup, but you NEED to gather your guts and protect your child, because it seems to me she is very vulnerable here.

All this past life stuff is bonkers...completely inappropriate and bonkers. It's almost as if he is claming ownership over them!
Very weird.

You need to take charge here.

From a slightly different angle, there are people who do genuinely believe that they have been here in a previous life and that they connect with people from there. I don't understand it myself and the mere concept would have me heading for the hills, but for some reason there are people who subscribe to this idea.

I would have a talk with your dh and say to him that he needs to go and have some therapy to deal with these issues of previous life encounters. Make it clear to him that your dd is your dd and that she is a child and not here to fulfill some previous life fantasy of his.

I would then make it clear that you are the adult and your dd is the child, and that this excessive undermining of your parental authority is not on and you won't stand for it.

And personally I would then review how you feel about your future together. And if doing so, he needs to realize that as he is not your dd's biological father, if you split then the relationship between him and your dd will cease (I would cease it personally).

I realize that sounds a bit like emotional blackmail but he needs to realize that he does not call the shots here.

A stepfather does not need to lie with an 11 year old until she is asleep. Neither does a biological father.
A child's wishes to sit in the front do not override the mother's wishes.
He should not be favouring either child.

Does he have religious convictions about reincarnation? Or is this a convenient excuse? And why do you have separate beds?

More importantly, what precisely was this imagined relationship with your DD in his previous life?

So when you drive I assume your DH sits in the back?

Taghain- Youre talking out your bottom!! your dd getting into bed with you and your dh, is a completely different situation from what op describes-hes going to lie with her dd ALONE at an age when shes hitting puberty, sorry but I really do think thats very innappropriate.

Noones saying every bloke is a paed, but if you look at the bigger picture of what ops saying it is very odd and not normal.

Also to your comment " I cannot imagine there is anything sexual going on - surely she would try NOT to spend time with him if there were abuse" - lets asume that nothing has happened sexually, shes getting mums mans attention and time, of course shes going to enjoy it. Its weather from the very odd things hes said that abuse might be a possibility in the future.

Stratters he thinks the DD was his sister in the past life

Sorry but the word 'grooming' springs to mind. Its not uncommon for little girls to get an innocent 'crush' on an uncle or stepdad or even their own father e.g 'l'm going to marry you daddy/uncle (whatever) when l grow up' before they understand the different kinds of love etc. What is abnormal is for the grown up male in the scenario to encourage this by paying more attention to the little girl than their own DW/DP. Its as if he's trying to make her feel as if she is better/more important than you and encouraging her to even take your place - the car seat thing for example. You need to ask yourself why l'm afraid. I personally wouldnt be happy leaving them alone as she gets too much older - even if - and you seem relatively certain - nothing has happened so far.

I couldn't be with someone who whittered on about past lives and how you are only there to bring them all together. It sounds like you are just a necessary evil in his relationship with your DD and not someone he wants to be with in your own right. They are developing a partnership relationship, not a parent/child relationship and that is damaging to your DD, even if he's not abusing her (and I'd be seriously concerned about that as well).

Frankly, I'd have been out of there a long time ago.

Thanks Mud, must have missed that bit.

Personally, given that you are getting absolutely nothing out of this 'relationship', I would leave him. And I would make damn sure he didn't have any contact with your DD after that.

I don't count myself as being alarmist but the fact that your 11 year old daughter ends up in bed with him without you there is not a good thing at all.

Even if he were her natural father she is on the verge of adolescence and this type of behaviour is completely unsuitable particularly when coupled with the other strange behaviours you have listed.

If you take none of the other good advice offered on this thread then I would at the very least insist it stops straight away and would make sure this happens by rejoining the marital bed.

TBH my previous partner treated both DD and I very badly and I was very grateful when they got on well. I honestly dont think he is abusing her. Like I said I have been there myself and know all the signs, I will not let it happen in my house. DD real father is a great absent father, he promises to call and doesnt, he doesnt do Christmas or birthdays unless I call to remind him. DH is great at all that and she blames me for her real father leaving (I havent been able to tell her I came back to find him in bed with another woman in our bed with her asleep crawling in the sitting room). Inside it hurts me when she treats me like I am the enemy because I ahve tried very much to give her a happy childhood despite the circumstance(am crying as am typing this). I just want her to be happy

What a completely fucked up situation. Sorry to say that, but I think you and your family need help. And I have never recommended getting help to anyone on here before. I just think there are some complex issues that need addressing.

What was he like with her when she was younger - he has been a "parent" for the past 11 years - not a recent addition - which makes me wonder about the sexual aspects - however I don't understand how DD can be a younger you and his sister?