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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure how to feel about this - DH and DD

425 replies

MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 14:27

We have been together for ten years and generally have an ok relationship. We have had rough patches but it seems to be fine now. My DH has told me a few times that he is sure we were brought together so that he could reconnect with my DD((11) who he apparently knew from a previous life. Yes I was mortified especially because the reason we got married was not because I had a DD from a previous relationship but because I got pregnant with our DD two months into the relationship and we were in love. He has said this in various ways another version being he gets on well with my DD because she is a younger version of me. I feel odd about it. They do get on very well and DD generally runs to him when she has a problem but she also has this strange thing where she turns everything into a competition with me. When I put on make up she will do the same and say "look mum mine looks better than yours". She also thinks she takes care of DS(8 months) better than me. I ignore it because I find it funny sometimes but recently I cant even talk to DH without her cutting in to talk to him as well and he generally stops talking to me and goes off to do whatever she wants. And when we go anywhere in the car DH prefers her to sit with him in the front. I feel odd about the whole thing, tell me I am over reacting and that this is very normal. My other DD is not like this at all so I don't have anything to compare it to.

OP posts:
Original poster
MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 15:57

Cinderfella she has always been like this with me but he started two years ago after that therapy. rainbow My family has no problems with him neither do my friends.
fairstive I asked because we were discussing how quickly she had grown and how much she looked like a teenager

OP posts:
Original poster
MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 16:00

lady he doesnt say these things to them. He knows I will be very cross if he does. I argue with him rationally when he starts going there and tbh its not a conversation we have often

OP posts:
Lynli · 28/12/2011 16:00

He is caring for her as a daughter but she is not his biological daughter, maybe he is struggling with his feelings.

He may have created the relationship from a past life to give him a biological connection with her. Either because he loves her as a daughter or because his feelings are inappropriate and he is struggling with them.

You should talk to him, I think when alarm bells ring you should definitely listen.

secretsanta233 · 28/12/2011 16:01

This could be a blurring of lines just because he's barking or a massive diversion and justification of grooming and abuse. This is nothing to do with your dd, this is the adult's problem, and that includes you OP. You need to have things going on in your house that you feel comfortable with.

SarahStratton · 28/12/2011 16:02

Let's make one thing very, very clear.

He has not been a 'lovely parent'.

He is not a good husband.

He's piss-poor at both of them. Has some very peculiar ideas, which he is foisting upon his family. And has a highly inappropriate relationship with one of your children.

Why do you not question him? Why do you put up with this utter bollocks?

Original poster
MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 16:05

lynli thanks for coming along! This was my rational when he first told me because around the same time he started saying it my ex had started making an appearance again and DD would say to him you are not my real dad several times a day. I thought it hurt him a lot and he used to tell me when she went to sleep was that he was more of a father to her than my ex. Because past life regression uses hypnotherapy I made assumed at the time that his subconscious mind was processing the relationship with DD that way and that it will pass. Its been two years though!

OP posts:
HattiFattner · 28/12/2011 16:08

This is fast developing into an incestuous relationship. Its already "emotionally incestuous" - in that the (non sexual) needs of your dh are being met by your DD, not you. see here

You have become estranged from your DD, he is dominant, and many of the traditional roles of spouse are being taken over by your DD - hence the car seating arrangements and her thinking she can parent better...

This is a dangerous predicament - she is becoming a substitute for you, and its only one more step before it involves physical touching. She is in as much danger psychologically as if she was physically intimate with him.

You need to resolve this issue, because the relationship is terribly, terribly dangerous to all your children...

Talk of past lives is going to be a justification for what comes next...as in "I couldnt help myself."

TheRocks · 28/12/2011 16:09

Just tell him, tonight that things are changing.

  1. He no longer lays with the girls until they fall asleep, they're plenty old enough to go to sleep on their own. (If I tried to lay with my 10 year old son until he fell asleep he'd think I'd gone mad! and he's my biological child!)

  2. The CHILDREN (meaning the DD too) do not interrupt conversations. They wait until the ADULTS have finished speaking.

  3. The ADULTS sit in the front of the car, the CHILDREN sit in the back.

No ifs, no buts. If he can't respect your wishes on these simple things, he's not worth calling a husband.

ReduceRecycleRegift · 28/12/2011 16:11

its not normal

You're not in the back because of the baby, you're in the back because your DH (not you, not your DD) wants you there and wants you to think it's your idea. yes most DDs want to be in the front but that doesn't put them there if there are 2 adults travelling at the same time. Your DH is putting her there and you are complying.

I won't be lying with my DS until he's asleep when he's 11, neither will DH. Even at 11 and above there are TIMES when everyone needs a cuddle but lying together till they sleep every night is NOT the same thing.

It IS fairly normal for teenager/tweenagers to compete a little with their same sex parent e.g. the make up thing, THAT is not causing the strange dynamic, your DH's repsonse to her challenging you is. it is normal for her to push at how grown up she can be taken at home, it is up to the adults in the house to stop it at an appropriate stage.

karentokylie · 28/12/2011 16:12

Top advice from TheRocks. Please consider it, OP.

Chubfuddler · 28/12/2011 16:12

have you ever read Lolita? the early chapters in which Humbert marries Delores' mother? I think if you did it would ring some bells. You are being marginalised in your own marriage. Your daughter is not a protagonist in all this btw. She is the victim.

Original poster
MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 16:14

I agreeTheRocks I will just tell him. I can see from previous posts how a family meeting will be counter productive.

OP posts:
SarahStratton · 28/12/2011 16:15

Talk of past lives is going to be a justification for what comes next...as in "I couldnt help myself."

I do so agree with that statement. He's not just grooming your DD, he's grooming the whole family.

I would implement Rocks changes immediately. With the addition that you never allow him to be alone with your DD, that includes being with the other DC at the same time.

If he creates, well you have your answer and you know what you need to do.

forgetmenots · 28/12/2011 16:15

This is awful, I feel for you OP, but TheRocks gives good advice, please take it.
This is one of these threads where I really hope it works out. X

Original poster
MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 16:15

Do you think I should tell him how I really feel about it all and that other people I have told consider his behaviour bonkers or will that make me look like I am jealous of him paying attention to DD?

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 28/12/2011 16:18

sarahstratton gives good advice except that, who wants to be married to a man they can't leave with one of their children?

I have to say in conjunction with the woo about the end of the world in 2012, this is one of the most chilling things I have read on mn

SarahStratton · 28/12/2011 16:19

No, I think you should tell him that you are very dissatisfied with the family dynamics, and that there are going to be changes. And stick to them. They are non-negotiable, and merely how families should function.

Make a list if it will help you. And it is not up for a family conference, as that will lead to division.

forgetmenots · 28/12/2011 16:19

I would almost leave your DD out of it - tell him you want to get your marriage back on track, same beds, front of car, adult conversations. I would focus on that and keep a beady eye on the rest (although I say that as someone ttc with no DCs yet of my own, mums may disagree!)

alicethehorse · 28/12/2011 16:19

DD is your daughter. The way he is behaving towards her is affecting your relationship. That's not you being jealous! Your DD needs a good relationship with her mum.

He should be supporting your relationship with DD, not undermining it.

ThatVikRinA22 · 28/12/2011 16:20

i completely agree with hattie above. This is fast becoming an incestuous relationship regardless of whether anything sexual has happened or will happen.

completely wrong in every way and your role, as that girls mother, is to stop this. Forgive me but you sound very subservient, and while there is a little nagging doubt in your head you should take note of it, because it is there for a reason.

of course its easier to tell yourself that its all harmless.

but it isnt. its verging on abuse and you are turning a blind eye if you do nothing when the alarm bells have been ringing loud and clear - you would not post on here if you thought this was all normal.

SarahStratton · 28/12/2011 16:21

Chub, I'm not expecting him to comply, therefore the bit about not leaving him alone is moot.

I think he is going to kick up a God almighty stink about this. And, I agree, this is one of the most chilling things I have read on here too.

Cinderfella · 28/12/2011 16:21

Just say with the new year coming up it's time to make some changes.

AnAirOfHope · 28/12/2011 16:21

I would not tell him that but i would just put Rocks suggestions into action.

Do you want to know what his intentions are?

If you do then change the situation and see what his reaction is.

Thats what i would do as i would have to know so i could protect my children.

rainbowinthesky · 28/12/2011 16:23

I agree about this thread being very chilling. My mother had her suspicions about my father and half sister but she dismissed them. Sadly 20 years later she found out she had been right all along.

scentednappyhag · 28/12/2011 16:23

This is creepy. It's not a healthy family dynamic, and that's a best case statement.
I'm worried that you appear to be seeing your daughter as the one in the wrong here, and defending your husband's behaviour. I honestly think you need to talk to someone about this, before something happens that you can't take back.

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