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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure how to feel about this - DH and DD

425 replies

MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 14:27

We have been together for ten years and generally have an ok relationship. We have had rough patches but it seems to be fine now. My DH has told me a few times that he is sure we were brought together so that he could reconnect with my DD((11) who he apparently knew from a previous life. Yes I was mortified especially because the reason we got married was not because I had a DD from a previous relationship but because I got pregnant with our DD two months into the relationship and we were in love. He has said this in various ways another version being he gets on well with my DD because she is a younger version of me. I feel odd about it. They do get on very well and DD generally runs to him when she has a problem but she also has this strange thing where she turns everything into a competition with me. When I put on make up she will do the same and say "look mum mine looks better than yours". She also thinks she takes care of DS(8 months) better than me. I ignore it because I find it funny sometimes but recently I cant even talk to DH without her cutting in to talk to him as well and he generally stops talking to me and goes off to do whatever she wants. And when we go anywhere in the car DH prefers her to sit with him in the front. I feel odd about the whole thing, tell me I am over reacting and that this is very normal. My other DD is not like this at all so I don't have anything to compare it to.

OP posts:
Sudaname · 28/12/2011 15:22

stars sorry x post - yes l agree.

wannabee excellent post.

TheRocks · 28/12/2011 15:23

I don't think he is abusing her. But the cynic in me is thinking he will wait until she's legal and then try and start a relationship with her. All this could just be preparation.

alicethehorse · 28/12/2011 15:24

"Personally, given that you are getting absolutely nothing out of this 'relationship', I would leave him. And I would make damn sure he didn't have any contact with your DD after that."

I agree.

Your DH is NOT a good father. Not being crap ion the same ways as your ex doesn't mean he's good for you.

Part of being a good father is supporting the mother! Not pushing her out and entering into a strange relationship with the step-daughter. He is damaging the relationship between you and your daughter. This is unforgivable.

This needs to stop, for all your sakes.

rainbowinthesky · 28/12/2011 15:24

You are talking about her as if she not an 11 year old child but that's what she is. You need to start parenting her and treating her like a young child. Please get some help for all of you.

MudAndGlitter · 28/12/2011 15:25

I think you need to leave. This is not a healthy family set up for anyone and I have a really uneasy feeling reading this thread. It's not normal, it's not ok for him to be like this and it's not how a father figure should be.

starsintheireyes · 28/12/2011 15:25

"I honestly dont think he is abusing her. Like I said I have been there myself and know all the signs, I will not let it happen in my house" -I really dont think you can be so sure about that, not until you put measures in place to minimise the risk-eg no bed sharing.
Also remember dont compare previous relationships, just because her own dad is not any use does not make everything tickityboo with your current situation, sorry.

rookiemater · 28/12/2011 15:25

OP it is very much par for the course for a parent to be the enemy when DCs are adolescents, thats the natural order of things.

I'm sorry your previous relationship went badly and I'm sorry that you are sad that you aren't your DD's bestest friend.

However the fact remains you are the adult. I would feel very nervous about the things that are happening in your household. If it were me I would insist that I sat in the front seat, I would not let my 11 year old DD share a bed with her step father, I would call him/her out on it every time they disrespected you. If this didn't change the behaviour then I would think seriously about the future relationship with your DP.

You honestly can't just sit in a corner and feel sorry and sad about things. I know you want it to be right otherwise you wouldn't have posted.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 28/12/2011 15:26

FTR, dd1 is his biological child and NOT his stepchild.

In what capacity does he claim to have known dd1 in previous life? What was she to him, or him to her?

My concern is not so much his belief in reincarnation as the way in which his beliefs are affecting all three of his dc in this life.

As Cinder has said, you need to reassert yourself as alpha-female and, no matter what his beliefs may be, he needs to avoid favouring dd1 because he is damaging her as well as his other two dc.

You're not over-reacting and IMO your fears are not unfounded; frankly, this would be a dealbreaker for me and I would rather take the dc and leave him than risk any further harm being done to their impressionable young minds.

squeakytoy · 28/12/2011 15:26

With respect OP, not every case of abuse has the same signs, nor is it necessarily sexual.

I think there are two seperate problems here.

One problem is your daughter is hitting puberty, and you are getting the strops, and the attitude that almost inevitably comes with that.

The more worrying second problem is your husband who seems to be behaving very bizarrely, and enabling your eldest daughters bad behaviour.

MudAndGlitter · 28/12/2011 15:26

DD1 is his DSD

rainbowinthesky · 28/12/2011 15:27

I am not sure you know yourself what a healthy relationship is. Sad

Original poster
MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 15:29

He met her when she was three. And has been a lovely parent. DD is bossy with everyone and sometimes I feel like he gives in to her because she is so difficult. Again I agree its odd but I have checked to make sure he is not abusing her. The girls go to bed a separate times but share a bed so he is not all alone with her although younger DD maybe asleep. Tonight I am going to have a family meeting and ask older DD to start going to bed alone as she is a big girl now. When I met DH I knew he had some odd ideas, including reincarnation, the world ending in 2012 etc. But all my life I have been around people like this - both my parents are like this. So it didnt seem too bad.

OP posts:
OneLieIn · 28/12/2011 15:29

OP, it all sounds very confusing and complex.

Do you love dh?
Do you trust him?
What does your gut instinct say?

I would say that you sound as though you are quite confused about this and also quite passive by letting things happen that you clearly feel uncomfortable with. You are a strong adult with the ability to change things.

MudAndGlitter · 28/12/2011 15:30

Why do your DDs share a bed if you and DH have one each?!

Conflugenglugen · 28/12/2011 15:31

I'm sorry - I haven't read all of the posts, so I might be repeating something. This is utterly dysfunctional. There doesn't seem to be a healthy relationship between either you and your DH, or DH and your DD. She is supplanting you in his affections, and this is primarily being driven by him. As much as your DD is a participant, this is not her fault, and it needs to be changed at the adult level.

No matter what has or hasn't happened between your DH and your DD, a boundary has been violated -- by his belief in your daughter being from a past life ... which is really an unconscious need to resolve relationships that are still very much from his present life. I am agnostic when it comes to past lives, but they are often a vehicle to express some form of emotion/feeling about something that is being played out but is not being openly acknowledged. It is a defence mechanism to avoid having to deal with something head-on. Just my opinion, but a strongly felt one.

Ideally, you and your DH need to put on a united front - two parents, together; rather than one hankering after relationships that he needs to fix, and who subordinates his wife to the whole process; and rather than a wife who feels helpless to know what to do, and whose relationship with her daughter, let alone her husband, hangs in the balance.

Cinderfella · 28/12/2011 15:31

DD1 is the stepchild DD2 and DS are the mutual children.

rainbowinthesky · 28/12/2011 15:31

He thinks the world is going to end in a few days?? He is seriously bonkers - really this is not normal sane behaviour.

Original poster
MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 15:31

izzy DD1 is his step daughter

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 28/12/2011 15:32

This sounds even more confusing.. if she is 11, and he met you and her when she was 3.. that is 8 years you have been together, not 10.

And why are two girls of that age sharing a bed when you have a guest room?

izzywhizzysmincepies · 28/12/2011 15:32

Jeez, this post moved on some! And obviously I misread your op and dd1 is in fact your daughter and his stepchild.

Nevertheless, apart from that amendment, my earlier response stands.

blackcatjay · 28/12/2011 15:32

I have to agree with rainbow here - your own ideas of what is a normal, healthy relationship don't seem right. You really need to trust your gut instinct and do something. If it were me I would be stopping the sharing a bed from tonight and then plan what to do next.

rainbowinthesky · 28/12/2011 15:33

If it were me I would be out of this relationship.

Cinderfella · 28/12/2011 15:33

You say DD1 is 11 and you have been with DP for 10 years - yet he met when she was 3?

TheRocks · 28/12/2011 15:34

wtf?? so you and DH sleep separately, your DDs share a BED (did you mean bedroom?) and you sit in the back of the car with the little children whilst the 2 alphas sit up front??

This isn't even a marriage IMO.

Original poster
MademoiselleDuPont · 28/12/2011 15:34

mud they dont share a bed, I meant room sorry. They have two double beds in the same room. Still crying and not thinking straight. dont even know why am crying!

OP posts:
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