Not sure how to feel about this - DH and DD

[MademoiselleDuPont]

We have been together for ten years and generally have an ok relationship. We have had rough patches but it seems to be fine now. My DH has told me a few times that he is sure we were brought together so that he could reconnect with my DD((11) who he apparently knew from a previous life. Yes I was mortified especially because the reason we got married was not because I had a DD from a previous relationship but because I got pregnant with our DD two months into the relationship and we were in love. He has said this in various ways another version being he gets on well with my DD because she is a younger version of me. I feel odd about it. They do get on very well and DD generally runs to him when she has a problem but she also has this strange thing where she turns everything into a competition with me. When I put on make up she will do the same and say "look mum mine looks better than yours". She also thinks she takes care of DS(8 months) better than me. I ignore it because I find it funny sometimes but recently I cant even talk to DH without her cutting in to talk to him as well and he generally stops talking to me and goes off to do whatever she wants. And when we go anywhere in the car DH prefers her to sit with him in the front. I feel odd about the whole thing, tell me I am over reacting and that this is very normal. My other DD is not like this at all so I don't have anything to compare it to.

Op regardless of whether you agree with anyone's comments please remember they come from concern for you, your dc and your family. They are comments in reaction to your concerns and your description of tge situation.

I hope you don't close yourself to this valuable resource.

I thought this was a really good article
www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/10/22/princesses-princes-daughters-and-dads-against-emotional-incest/

Great article babyhammock. OP, you should read it and the comments at the end. I am sure a lot of it will resonate with you even though it is a father's perspective.

I actually felt quite uneasy reading this untill the last paragraph it is a great blog and as a single mother to a little girl whos bond is growing every minute and day with her father (who was once not so great but now a wonderful father to my dd) my appreciation of the very individual and powerful relationship he is building with her has just just grown greater in respect and appreciation. My dd is 5 and her dad aclled just as I was putting her bed, I once would have ignored the call knowing it was him and im putting her to bed so it is not convenient, I ran down the satirs at her request that may be my daddy. I then listend to her reading the guiness book of records to him and then talked about her day and read a snippit of another book she had open I was actually heartened that she has a good and appropriate relationship with him.

I really feel for you OP and hope you find the strenghth to get through this and to tackle some of the issues here. My EXP has gotten my dd to lie in the past about silly silly trivial things that he would never have batted an eyelid about untill I confronted him about the realms of open, honest and appropriate relationships that as a little girl dd needs to understand there are no lies, secrets and "special" relationships that exlcude the other parent, he had never considerded this untill I confronted him and he was receptive to the imporatnce of keeping our child safe in any relationship or closeness with any other people including our selfs, siblings step siblings half siblings and each others partners.

babyhammock's article is exellent OP, and provides an excellent explanation from a mans perspective. it may provide clues as to why your DH behaves the way he does. Make him read it too, as it may change his view on what is appropriate and not.

Really great insightful article babyhammock

Lovely post, festi. :)

That was a really great article. Could explain a lot of tension in relationships between mothers and teenage daughters too. OP, I hope you have managed to find some peace and are all working on moving forward.

I suppose someone else has mentioned it's illegal for DC under 12 to sit in the front? Although that wouldn't give you all that long, I suppose, as a reason.

Are you sure its illegal? I didnt think it was?

If in a car seat no it is not illegal .
If not in a car seat then it depends on the height of the child .
So it does not necessarily mean OP has being breaking the law having DD in the front .

Meant to say has 'been' not being

I thought you could only have rear facing car seats in the front, because of the airbags.

You can't have a rear facing car seat if you have an airbag.

Whoops, got that spectacularly wrong then , good job mine are teenagers .

"This is a snippet of my life, it didnt talk about the time when DD almost died from dengue fever and it was DH who was there in intensive care day and night, it doesnt talk about how difficult it was when her birth father appeared again and how both of us were the baddies. It also doesnt say we have lunch out together once a week and try to have sex at least once in a couple of weeks."

Unfortunately OP, none of these things cancel out how disturbing your husband's behaviour is. I hope you're OK and can take some time to think what has been said on this thread. There is support for dealing with this sort of stuff out there, including here on Mumsnet.

Hugo Schwyzer, the guy who wrote that article up there on fathers paying too much attention to their daughters, tried to murder his ex-girlfriend, just for the record. He's probably not the best source on how men ought to behave.

well on the contrary maybe that does make him a greater insight of how men should behave especially when you consider the complexity of the situation he "attemped to murder her and take his own life".

I had a very similar experience at the beginning of this year with my DP and 17yr old DD. I saw this guy for 8 years (not DDs father) and there were a few things he said that made my ears prick up but I brushed the comment off even though I felt very uneasy about things. Long story short, he had a massive breakdown in January and was sectioned for a month. I found out whilst he was in hospital he had been seeing his ex all the time we were together so split with him. When I told DD I had finished with him she told me that in the previous December DP had tried it on with her quite badly and she had had to fight him off. I went to the police and the whole thing became very long drawn out adn very upsetting. Anyway the point is I have always kicked myself for not listening to my instincts.

You can't have a rear facing car seat if you have an airbag.

Not true. You can switch the airbag off.

Ok, you cant have a rear facing car seat if you have a functioning airbag.

One more thing about this is the idea that it's up to the children to disclose any sexual abuse, because the parent has told them they can. That's putting the whole onus on the children rather than the adults in the situation to pay attention to what is going on and then acting on it.

Given the fact that you've been ignoring what has been going on right in front of your nose Mademoiselle - the fact that your husband is getting into bed with his stepdaughter, you haven't made yourself a safe person to disclose to, if they needed to tell you something.

thunder I completely agree

I also agree with thunder.