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Original poster

I've played with fire, what a huge mistake

197 replies

blueblueXmas · 18/12/2011 19:02

I had a very brief fling with a friend from my local pub. I have known him for years now and when I first met him I didn't know he was married, I didn't meet his wife until later on.

I know I probably sound like a hideous tart but in my defence I have been on my own for years, my self esteem is shit and I was lonely. it wasn't an affair more like 3 one night stands.

nothing has happened for several months and I have rejected any advances. I have stayed out of the way as much as possible.

fast forward to now, he has become a raving lunatic. he found out that my friend and I spent an evening chatting with some blokes that were on holiday and I was subjected to lots of snide texts which I ignored. there have been several more instances recently where he is really rude to me and then can't understand it when I don't really want to talk to him.

yesterday he sent a text saying are you going to ignore me forever? come over to the pub now or that's it.

my friend and I did pop over later and he ignored me and then when my friend went to the loo he laid into me.

shouting and swearing at me, asking what my Fucking problem was and saying I was out or order. I told him he was rude and childish and that wound him up even more. he then laid into my friend as well and we came home.

he sent abusive texts and left voicemails for the rest of the evening.

I am scared of what he might do next and I am so pissed off that my stupid bloody behaviour has meant that my social life in the village will now have to end. this means I will be alone for boxing day and New year when the kids are at their dads.

I feel sick with the stress. I know I have brought it on myself. but why does my life have to turn to shit while he carries on like normal.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/12/2011 19:05

Errr would he like his wife to find out?

If not then I suggest you tell him to back off and leave you alone otherwise you will be telling the police about his harrassment towards you and you will be telling his wife!

In the meantime I would change phone numbers etc etc.

InOneEar · 18/12/2011 19:07

I would tell him that he if he doesn't back off and leave you alone that you will tell his wife. His behaviour is unjustifiable - aggressive, threatening, abusive. I would maybe consider speaking to the police too, just in case. Keep a log of the text messages etc. He's married FFS! You are single, he doesn't have any rights to you, you are free to flirt as you wish!

RandomMess · 18/12/2011 19:13

He sounds like a nut job bunny boiler...

TheOriginalFAB · 18/12/2011 19:16

Why did you go to the pub when you say you wanted it to be over?

RandomMess · 18/12/2011 19:17

Because she lives in a small village and wants to leave her house and go and have a drink in her local I should think!

ledkr · 18/12/2011 19:21

Yeah but you would forgo one drink to avoid someone who is behaving in such a way,especially as he had text "come to the pub or its over" she went to the pub signifying she didnt want it to ne Hmm
Not an excuse for his behaviour tho op,which is extremely worrying,id trhinbk twice before issuing threats to tell his wife.

RandomMess · 18/12/2011 19:23

TBH I would have blocked his number long ago!!!! Or have sent some f-off text telling him to get over himself as there is no relationship.

Seriously he sounds like a loon and I would go to the police who knows what lengths he may go to.

Helltotheno · 18/12/2011 19:25

Why did you go to the pub when you say you wanted it to be over?

Yes why did you? There was a window there where you could've answered in response to his 'Get down the pub or it's over': 'yes it's over you bellend' and you didn't take it.

But since it's gone as far as it has, follow the advice of the poster above and tell him if he sends any more texts, it's the police followed by his wife?

Unless.. you're not seriously thinking of going there again are you ??

Original poster
blueblueXmas · 18/12/2011 19:27

I didn't go to the pub because he had issued an order, I was planning to go anyway because my friend was visiting.

when he said about it being over, I'm 99% sure he was referring to our friendship rather than anything else. he likes to kid himself that I am his best mate blah blah blah. one of the texts he sent during the evening said something about your new mate will never be as good as me.

OP posts:
MarinaAzul · 18/12/2011 19:28

OP, are we getting the full story here?
Why would he be so aggressive? I'm confused. IS he angry because you don't want to continue the affair?

Helltotheno · 18/12/2011 19:28

I don't mean going to the pub, I mean going back with him...

Re going to the pub, don't let it put you off, just tell him it was a mistake and agree to forget about it, and if necessary, add in no uncertain terms that you don't appreciate him commenting about other men you talk to.

OnlyForMe · 18/12/2011 19:30

If you are that worried about what he could do next, I would look at involving the Police.
Threatening emails and voice messages, insults at the pub...
Keep the texts and the messages. Tell him to stop or you will go to the police. If he doesn't, go to the police and give them the texts, messages etc...
I am sure your friend woul be happy to be a witness if need be too.

BTW I am sure that people around you will think he is being out of order after the pub incident.

lockets · 18/12/2011 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Liluri · 18/12/2011 19:35

Block his number.
Drink at a different pub.

Why are you engaging with this man at all?

Any more rude or aggressive contact from him - report his ass to the police.

Original poster
blueblueXmas · 18/12/2011 19:36

just to clarify, it was 3 one night stands, not an affair. there were no phone calls or arrangements, just bloody drunken opportunities.

nothing has happened for ages. I have just tried to act normal and move on.

I think he was aggressive yesterday because he was drunk. he is clearly pissed off that I have decided I don't want his friendship.

OP posts:
EnjoyResponsiblyIfSleighFlying · 18/12/2011 19:38

I have a sneaking feeling that you knew going to the pub was going to open the worm can. That was a big mistake under the circumstances.

It strikes me the way he's carrying on, it's only going to be a short amount of time before his wife cottons on. You want to avoid that happening in a small village at all costs.

Send one more text stating clearly that he is to back off, then delete his number and get your network operator to block his calls.

oathkeeper · 18/12/2011 19:40

Have you ever actually told him to leave you alone? that it was an ill considered affair and nothing more?

It is a very strange response from someone who has a wife i presume he would not like to find out about his infidelity.
He was shouting and swearing in a pub? that would surely draw unwanted attention.

Does his wife visit the pub? I think you need to make it very clear that if he contacts you again you will be ensuring she is made aware of all the facts

Original poster
blueblueXmas · 18/12/2011 19:42

I haven't been out for weeks before last night. I used to be able to go over the pub on my own but I have only been going over with other friends recently. I pulled out of a village event last weekend because I knew he would be There.

I went over yesterday partly because I wanted to know if it was likely to be ok over Christmas. I now know it isn't and I will stay away. I've got no intention of ever going back to the pub or anywhere near him.

OP posts:
InOneEar · 18/12/2011 19:43

OP has said already that she has low self esteem and has been on her own for years. Perhaps she was flattered by/needed the attention and that is why she turned up at the pub. Problem is he is now turning very aggressive.

OP, you sound like you are blaming yourself solely for this. Well, he's the one who is married and possibly taking advantage of you when you are vulnerable and lonely. Stop beating yourself up, stand up for yourself and tell him firmly where to go.

InOneEar · 18/12/2011 19:45

Great OP, so now you are on your own and can't even go to your local pub for a drink? He's the one who should be hiding away at home, not you :(

Charbon · 18/12/2011 21:02

I don't really understand your posts. You've known him for years but you didn't know he was married and didn't meet his wife until later on? Did the one night stands happen years ago then before you knew he was married, or after?

Having kept away from the pub for a long time, you chose that night of all nights to visit it, coincidentally after you'd recived a demand from him to go there?

And you're going to be forced to be on your own over Christmas, because you can't go to the pub? Does everyone you want to spend time with, go to this particular pub on those two days then - and won't change their arrangements?

What isn't in doubt though is that this bloke is an abusive prick. You can block his number, ignore any other attempts to contact you and ask friends to look out for you while he is around, if you decide as is your right that you won't tolerate any 'no go' areas in your village. You could have a word with the landlord and ask him to throw this man out if he starts getting aggressive on the premises.

Or you could decide to socialise elsewhere.

Original poster
blueblueXmas · 18/12/2011 21:48

I've known him 3 years. When I first met him I thought he was single. When I slept with him, I knew he was married.

I go to the pub on average about once a month when my children aren't here. I went out last night because my friend was staying over, it's christmas, I have other friends who drink in there and like i said earlier I wanted to try and gauge how it would be if I went in next week.

I will find something else to do next week, hopefully my friend will be able to come over. It will be a shame not to go to the pub though as it is a community thing and the rest of the village will be in there. everyone except the local slapper.

the abusive prick spends a lot more time and money in the pub than me, I can't see the landlord picking me over him tbh.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 18/12/2011 23:48

Well, you can either let the whole village and the wife find out about your sordid shagging, or you can lie through your teeth, and act as if he is trying to get you into bed and is upset because you have refused him.

Does he ever go out out with his wife? He is unlikely to start behaving like this while she is there.

ledkr · 19/12/2011 07:49

Oh well,next time maybe dont sleep with married men-there's a thought.
HTH

Gigondas · 19/12/2011 07:57

Eh what's him being married got to do with him acting like a loon ? Not that I condone sleeping with Married men - it was always going to end badly.

Tell him to back off , block his number and find somewhere else to socialise. Also work on your self esteem if you can as that way maybe won't make same kind of drunken mistake again (don't mean to sound too harsh as I can see how might lead to bad choices ).
And If you cant/don't want to go out at Xmas can you get some nice food or drink in for when your friends come
Round.

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