I've played with fire, what a huge mistake

[blueblueXmas]

I had a very brief fling with a friend from my local pub. I have known him for years now and when I first met him I didn't know he was married, I didn't meet his wife until later on.

I know I probably sound like a hideous tart but in my defence I have been on my own for years, my self esteem is shit and I was lonely. it wasn't an affair more like 3 one night stands.

nothing has happened for several months and I have rejected any advances. I have stayed out of the way as much as possible.

fast forward to now, he has become a raving lunatic. he found out that my friend and I spent an evening chatting with some blokes that were on holiday and I was subjected to lots of snide texts which I ignored. there have been several more instances recently where he is really rude to me and then can't understand it when I don't really want to talk to him.

yesterday he sent a text saying are you going to ignore me forever? come over to the pub now or that's it.

my friend and I did pop over later and he ignored me and then when my friend went to the loo he laid into me.

shouting and swearing at me, asking what my Fucking problem was and saying I was out or order. I told him he was rude and childish and that wound him up even more. he then laid into my friend as well and we came home.

he sent abusive texts and left voicemails for the rest of the evening.

I am scared of what he might do next and I am so pissed off that my stupid bloody behaviour has meant that my social life in the village will now have to end. this means I will be alone for boxing day and New year when the kids are at their dads.

I feel sick with the stress. I know I have brought it on myself. but why does my life have to turn to shit while he carries on like normal.

I have only read a few,
But the easiest way I think would be to text him that you have found out he has a wife and your not comfortable with that and that is why you have been avoiding him,, and that you'd like it if he would respect that and stop his behaviour towards you or you'll have to seek advice from the police, Then change your number....

"i believe it is 100% the Husband's personal responsibility (as you said, but then you said op was also responsible so that doesn't make sense to me) that's all. Not a person who has never met the wife/husband of the person they shagged."

Thanks for your thoughtful input. The point about an affair is that it is a TRIANGLE. One person is avoiding difficulties (that they are responsible for solving) by turning to a third party - without the knowledge or consent of the person he is with. So there are two relationships going on: a wife is trying to maintain one without all the facts to hand, and the other avoidant fantasy based unreal one. Both of whom, husband and OW who has swallowed his 'my wife makes me ... BS, are in possession of the facts. An affair is a misguided attempt to relieve the tension in the original relationship and in itself is not a relationship, it is a fantasy.

THIS is the hurt, can't you see? The dishonesty, the cowardice, the selfishness, the betrayal, the running away. THIS is why it is so hugely traumatic. So everyone in the triangle is responsible for what they are responsible for. The one person who really cannot be blamed, is the deceived one, because (usually) she has not been given the necessary honesty and information to renegotiate. Men bottle things up, say nothing - and then start looking. So they are 100% responsible for the destructive choices they make, but the OW is also responsible for making herself available to someone who pretty much ISN"T available.

Affairs are very painful for all involved. The outcome is not good. Unfortunately men don't think things through and are hit with the reality of losing stuff they had taken for granted: their marriage, their children, their homes. They honestly don't think about this! The reason they don't think about this is that they have NO IDEA of how much pain they will inflict on someone they do actually care about: their wife.
97% of affairs are revealed to be the avoidant fantasy they were started as (men aren't looking for a replacement, they are looking for something that makes them feel good), and the OW gets abandoned. For them there is the realisation that they got used, as Marina says it wasn't beautiful but something sad and sordid, as Blue who is looking at her village community all looking at her and gossiping, it makes her feel like sh*t. I can really feel how bad Blue feels, and how she wishes she hasn't gone there.
And the wife: well, read any post here.
And nobody talks about the kids, what they lose, their heroic image of their father and their world of safety. That little girls learn that men, not even their father, can be trusted.
Then the wider family, brothers, parents, and friends.

Affairs are seriously bad news. They cause ripples of destruction, are always regretted and can never be rowed back from. Just as you can't put shit back into a horse, you can't unfuck that OW. I never gave them much thought you know. This would never happen to me. Now I know why they are one of the 10 commandments and lust is one of the deadly sins. God wasn't being a killjoy, He was WARNING us.

I have just stated a counter opinion to yours. You appear to be speaking in absolutes about a subject which is opinion.

Affairs are not always regretted, (my father never regretted falling in love with my mother and i do not regret falling in love with my DP) that is a sweeping statement.

And IMO (which is all any of us are talking about) neither my DP nor my mother should feel remotely guilty as both of them were single with no commitment to the spouse.

And my 'friend' comment has nothing to do with respect it has to do with responsibility. I understand your point, but i do not believe we own people and if they can't stick to their promises that is up to them.

I find this quite an anti human opinion.

And the point about god is just bizarre to me because i find it irrelevant just as i find religion irrelevant. So i don't see it through that prism.

I can't bear these hostile argy bargy's on here - as i said i was just giving a counter opinion and i hope i have done so in a respectful way.

Spuddy bean did you enter the affair knowingly ?

If so then you are guilty of a very bad thing, whether you regret it or not im afraid.

The outcome for affairs is sometimes very good, for all parties.

as for "always regretted" . That's nonsense

They are wrong though, mosr people could have simply manned up and left a bad relationship.

Its a sign of no morals or willpower, Its wrong.

jasper,can you explain why an affair is often good for "all parties"
Id particularly like you to focus on the children.Study after study has shown that children from divorcwed parents dont do as well,particularly when there is limited contact with the birth father which there invariably will be should said father leave the family home.

"Affairs are not always regretted, (my father never regretted falling in love with my mother and i do not regret falling in love with my DP) that is a sweeping statement."

Go and ask your fathers first wife and/or kids, and go and ask your 'DPs' first DP what they thought and felt. Ask them. Then report back.

And: what is the connection between your parent's behaviour, and yours? Examine making an honest inventory as the alcoholics say, and report back.

I am respectfully calling your idealised version of events.

As for your scorning of the God comment. You probably don't know what the 10 commandments are, or Jesus' very pertinent comment that [adultery/cheating/betrayal begins in the mind].

But don't be cool and get hung up on the idea of God, thereby thinking that you have avoided the issue. Just call those (observations, if you like) the sum total of thousands of years, of bitter human experience.

Jasper. Tell us your experience. Please, do us the honour of putting your money where your mouth is. Your flippancy gets wearing.

My fathers first wife never stopped thanking my mum for having an affair with dad. His 'kids', my half sister, was 6 months old and never knew them together so is not bothered - she calls my mum mum, and her stepdad dad. First wife was at my dad's hospital bedside before my mother, when he had a heart attack a few years ago. I always saw her as an auntie and she was at my wedding.

I had an affair (which has nothing to do with may parents behavior - as i wasn't born for 7 more years and my m&d are still together 38 years later so never really knew anything about it) when i was married and now live with the same man - we are planning to get married and are ttc.

Husband it turns out was seeing my best mate, and he is now living very happily with her. I felt betrayed by her, but not him, as she and i had been friends since we were 3 and it felt creepy. I would not have been angry with a stranger.

As for the 'god' part of your post - i do know a lot about it having studied religion extensively throughout my life, i have also read the bible thank you. I just find it unrealistic and made up to keep people in their place by others who want to keep power (usually men) - to me god was created in mans image.

Yes i do agree and children are damaged, but in my experience the prefer a happier mummy and daddy. And in both my cases there were no children to get hurt.

And sorry if my previous post was confusing, my DP was single, i was the one who was married.

But i have had sex with a married man before when i was 19.

spuddy your experiences are very nice to her but unusual to say the least.
I am glad now that dh had an affair as i am married to a fantastic guy and have a lovely life,however at the time i was gutted beyond belief,lost 3 stone in a month through stress,nearly lost my home,my children suffered terribly as i pooted before.My boys have no respect for their father for cheating on us all despite me not even telling them at first and then when i did doing it very positively. If you asked me today i would also thank the ow but if you asked my children you'd have adifferent response.
Your lack of ability to see how affairs could hurt is highlighted by your flippant remark about your half sister was 6 months old so never bothered.Let me tell you that isnt true.I work with children and babies do notice loss,in fact they feel it more as they havent the language to express themselves so internalise their feelings.
My own dd was 8 months and developed sleep problems and mouth ulcers,she continues to be an emotional child who cries a lot about her Da not living with her like her friends.
You say you are ttc.Would you be delighted if when you do so your dp fucks another woman when you are at your most vulnerable,tied up with a new baby coping with tiredness and body changes?
I think if you answered honestly you would not.

Good post ledkr, very well expressed. Sorry for your pain but so pleased you 've found happinesss. You deserve it.

Ledkr it is not a flippant remark about my sister - it is the truth in the history of my sisters life. My father worked away a lot he and his wife did not get on - they had only got married when my sister was born because their families were pressurising them. I am telling my personal experiences. I am not saying all 6 mo's would be the same - just that that is what happened in our family.

I am not trying to pretend that all of the affairs in 'my story' weren't painful for everyone - but that it worked out best for the best. They were the impetus to move on. Sadly people are weak and sometimes they need that to leave. I was just highlighting my experiences as a counter point to sweeping statements that EVERYONE regrets it etc.

I also agree that my experiences are not the norm (especially not some of the heartbreaking tales on MN). I don't condone affairs if you are the married party - i would never ever had got married if i thought for a moment that i would have an affair or get divorced.

I am so sorry you were treated so badly. I would not be delighted in your scenario but i would be 100% fucking livid at DP not OW. I know people find such differing opinions hard to believe and that when we are emotionally involved it seems mad that someone would not think like us - but honestly i just don't.

I really don't like hostility on here so i do hope we can just agree to disagree.

Absolutely spuddy I dont like the hostilty either.
You based your opinions on your experiences as did I.
I still think that so far you have been lucky not to experience this first had with children involved,but trust me it is a very different story for most.
As for the ow,i never once blamed her or even addressed her but at the end of the day it does take 2 to betray and neither are innocent bystanders,its just that one finds it easier to do as they dont know the wife or children but that doesnt mean they dont know its wrong.
Burgalars dont know their victims,its still wrong.

I think before people have children, they have an idealistic view about 'love conquering all', 'all's fair in love and war' and other trite cliches.

Their views often change when they find themselves financially dependent and left with young children to care for - and their partner has buggered off with a 'blameless' other woman. There is far more at stake when children are involved - not just the suffering it causes to those children, but to the partner who has put his/her career on hold, to care for them.

The burglar comment makes no sense, unless you mean the DH belongs to the DW but the OW steals him?

Stealing objects is wrong, immoral and illegal. Stealing people is... impossible.

If a guy does not feel committed to his wife enough to stay faithful, then the problem is already there. The OW cannot be seen as responsible for what happens in somebody else's marriage.

Well said Hatty Its also a lot harder to get over a break up when you have to see the ex all the time and carry on with "normal life" whilst they get to go off and start again all fresh with no ties.
Before kids id have hit the town wih my mates and got over it,with kids you are stuck at home night after night with no money or childcare tired from work and looking after the children and the house.

No Morris i was using the analagy of not being able to be blamed for a wrong doing just because you had no loyalty to the other person.

As i said before,OF COURSE the cheating spouse is largely to blame but the other partner is not totally innocent in it all.How can they be?

They are innocent because they are not lying to or betraying a loved one. I'm not saying its a great idea, mostly it ends in tears, but to me it seems that the people responsible for a marriage are the two people in it.

A person cannot be stolen, but apart from that I disagree MorrisZapp.

Joining in with someone in telling lies and deceiving his wife, deserves blame alright. It's rubbish if the other woman (or man for that matter) gets MORE blame than the married party, but the outsider's actions are not beyond reproach. It's a horrible thing to do to another person, even if she is unknown to you. Cheating also doesn't mean someone isn't 'committed' to their partner, but it does mean that they are being dishonest about their actions.

In any case, we're not talking about who has the responsibility for the MARRIAGE. It's who's responsible for the AFFAIR i.e. the two people having it.

The other person in the marriage hasn't got a bloody clue what's going on.

hatty I think morris is refering to the old adage-If you dont keep your man happy he will stray which is utter bollox. People cheat cos they can,i dont beleive its any deeper than that. Id been with my dh for 18 yrs we still pissed ourselves laughing,had loads of sex,brilliant holidays and never rowed.He was silly and obviously fancied a change and thought he could keep it quiet.
When i found out he was gutted,tried for months to get me to forgive him but i couldnt and didnt really want to. Thats not someone who was unhappy in his marriage.

I know several married miserable folks who either had affairs or their spouse did, ending the years long stalemate, everyone moved on with their lives, all good now.
That unflippant enough for you?

If you have an 'unprotected' affair

you are literally putting the OP at risk if their health, Its something people dont often grasp or care about.