I've played with fire, what a huge mistake

[blueblueXmas]

I had a very brief fling with a friend from my local pub. I have known him for years now and when I first met him I didn't know he was married, I didn't meet his wife until later on.

I know I probably sound like a hideous tart but in my defence I have been on my own for years, my self esteem is shit and I was lonely. it wasn't an affair more like 3 one night stands.

nothing has happened for several months and I have rejected any advances. I have stayed out of the way as much as possible.

fast forward to now, he has become a raving lunatic. he found out that my friend and I spent an evening chatting with some blokes that were on holiday and I was subjected to lots of snide texts which I ignored. there have been several more instances recently where he is really rude to me and then can't understand it when I don't really want to talk to him.

yesterday he sent a text saying are you going to ignore me forever? come over to the pub now or that's it.

my friend and I did pop over later and he ignored me and then when my friend went to the loo he laid into me.

shouting and swearing at me, asking what my Fucking problem was and saying I was out or order. I told him he was rude and childish and that wound him up even more. he then laid into my friend as well and we came home.

he sent abusive texts and left voicemails for the rest of the evening.

I am scared of what he might do next and I am so pissed off that my stupid bloody behaviour has meant that my social life in the village will now have to end. this means I will be alone for boxing day and New year when the kids are at their dads.

I feel sick with the stress. I know I have brought it on myself. but why does my life have to turn to shit while he carries on like normal.

jasper It was not you i used the word flippant to.I asked you if you could address the childrens feeling when suggesting an affair is often good for "all parties" I aggree it can sometimes call a halt to a bad marriage/relationship but it is never good for a child no matter how amicable the split is.Children find it hard to accept that one parent has chosen another person over the remaining parent and it can change how they feel about them which is sad.
It would seem on this thread there are some of us who have directly experienced the destruction an affair can cause and some who havent. Opinions therefore are bound to be divided and varied.

Ledkr some children find it hard and others don't. I don't think you can say all children find it hard. I am the only one of my circle whose parents are still married and every one of my friends accepted the new partner very easily. All their parents divorced while they were primary school age.

Most (all that i've spoken to actually) found it a relief and loved their new families.

I think your experience has been horrible, but it isn't everyone's.

Are you saying that all of these friends' parents left for new partners and they all accepted the other man or woman unconditionally? I'd find that very hard to believe, frankly.

I can understand your friends accepting new partners if their parents' marriages broke up without the new person's involvement and I can also understand that they might have been lied to as children about when a new partner entered the picture, but I have yet to meet a child yet who knew the truth about an affair and straightaway felt kindly disposed towards the person who caused one of their parents to leave the marriage.

Obviously i can't comment on what they felt at the time (i'm sure they were upset). However, when i knew them at the time i remember them saying quite matter of factly that they had 2 mummies/daddies. (i think i was quite jealous!)

Having spoken to them subsequently they all have very good relationships with the other partners - one actually prefers OW to her dad. And said they were relieved when it happened. I don't know how it was explained to them.

I suppose their home life must have been pretty crappy in the first place though. Unlike what Ledkr said about hers. I can see how that if everything seemed fine to the dc it would be absolutely devastating.

I hope i am not trivialising divorce or affairs. I started this by just trying to make the point thati don't blame OW the way other posters do and now seem to be justifying affairs!

That is NOT my intention. i am actually a very moral person i do not think it is okay to cheat. I just blame completely the spouse and not the stranger.

I hope i am not now just rambling - i am at home with concussion at the mo' so am in and out of lucidity :( I know what i mean but i'm not so sure that anyone else does

Ledkr i just wanted to say you sound very nice and i hope you have a lovely xmas with your new DP who sounds like he deserves you a lot more than exH.

Thanks spuddy I work with troubled teens.I have done for 20 years.
Unfortunately there is a definate link between drug use offending behaviour depression and the lack of a father figure especially in males.
I am a child of a marrigae break down-actually caused by my Dads affair.
If asked now at 43 i would say i am fine about it but i also remember feeling different.poor.unloved.uncomfortable around ow and eventually my step father.
My brother never sees my Dad.says hes ok but cries when he is drunk.my childen dont have a proper Grandpa cos we hardly see him.
What i am trying to say i think is that of course most people will go on to have happy and fullfilling lives and hardly think about their parents break up as they get older but there will always be some effect be it failure to make relationships or just the disadvantage of only living with one wage.
People make the best of things but the effects are still there.
You have a good one too spuddy and good luck with the ttc.

btw my comma button wont work

Spuddy I hope you recover from your concussion soon and that you're able to enjoy the celebrations

Children will often put a happy spin on events to their friends, in an attempt to 'normalise' a situation that is causing them pain or which marks them out as different to their friends. This often extends to adulthood because there is a need to present loved family members in a positive light to others and it also helps people to re-write the history of their childhood and settle on a story that allows them to continue good relationships with all the people involved.

It's also very difficult for a child to empathise with the true feelings of the person who was left behind. It's often only when people are much older and have their own experiences of the devastation of affairs that they can understand the hurt involved - and why it's normal and rational to blame both people involved in that joint enterprise.

I confess I don't understand this reluctance people have to apportion some blame to the other woman or man. I can think of no other situation when taking part in a secret enterprise to deceive and disrupt someone's life would be sanctioned as reasonable behaviour - and not deserving of any blame at all.

Well put Hatty.The married person is the one decieving their spouse but the other person is still doing something wrong.If not why dont they tell everyone about their new boy/girlfriend.
Isnt it nice to be able to discuss things on here without descending into nastiness?Im an argumentative bugger in rl too

This is very interesting but where is the OP?
Has she abandoned her own thread?

Yes i agree with what you are saying hatty about children's responses, however, sometimes i think a spade is just a spade and if they say they are fine they really are fine.

Each case is individual, which is why you can argue statistics but i think they are broad and too many other factors are involved for them to be scientific or proof of things. I often think of statistics as a lamp post to a drunken man - more for leaning against than illumination.

In my personal opinion; i think the way things are explained, the relationship a couple have before the adultery/break up, and the age of the children involved will all make a difference.

When my auntie told my cousins their daddy had left to be with someone else, they burst into tears of relief and kept asking for re-assurance and promises that he was really never coming back!

Although i do not have the vitriol others have for the OW. I would never have an affair with a married man. Mainly because i demand fidelity from those i am in a relationship with and i also don't buy the bullshit a lot of men peddle by saying they never have sex with their wives etc.

I also want commitment and to share my life with someone - something you cannot do if they live somewhere else. I most definitely do not find the sneaking around sexy or exciting. I left my H 3 weeks after meeting DP, and yes although we had already become involved, i really couldn't handle the deceit and neither could he.

I would also never EVER have had an affair if i had children or if i met a man who was married with children. I took my vows seriously and sadly after promising children, my H told me he had changed his mind - we then drifted apart and i decided that although i loved him i couldn't live my life without children.

I try not to get into arguments on MN as i find i get quite upset with personal insults flying - i do however, like to discuss things with those who have a different opinion.

this thread seems to have moved on somewhat from the original post - but I thought I might add a similar experience of infidelity to Spuddy to proove she isn't entirely unique. I know anecdote is not statistically significant but...

Like Spuddy I am the product of the affair rather than the first marriage so from my point of view if my Dad had been more 'moral' then I would not exist, so maybe I am biased...

My Dad had 3 children with his first wife they got married in the early 60's because they had to (his Irish Cathothlic family would not accept living in sin) but they were not particularly happy and both had had affairs by the early 70's when he met my Mum. There was upset on both sides when the first marriage ended but Mum did her best for her step children and they have a good relationship to this day. His first wife did have another child and lived with another man but never remarried and my parents marriage was never particularly happy but I think that was a product of the personalities involved and not the affair IYKWIM. I think if they had been born in the 70's or later none of them would have married at all.

But seven children were born and all of us are pretty close and happy and well adjusted today. The affair was not regretted and indeed though my father died many years ago the tension between my mum and dad's first wife has eased to the extent that my mother looked after her for a month when my Dads first wife suffered a broken hip while visiting her grandchildren - there was no room to accomodate her at my half-sisters so mum took her in.

I would never contemplate having an affair but I was older had lived with my husband 5 years before we had children and we are a very stable partnership. My parents generation married in haste and repented at leisure. My Mum was young and naive but I don't think she would have been any happier with anyone else -

Just thought I would update this thread.

I stayed away from the pub over christmas despite the fact that he sent over chocolates for the kids and sent several texts. I allowed myself to be persuaded to go out with some friend on new years eve and he was there. He stayed away from me all evening but the minute i got home he sent a text saying happy new year. I had also had one earlier in the day as well.

I received a couple of texts the next day and the next and then he turned up at my front door. I wouldn't open it but did shout out of an upstairs window that I didn't want to speak to him and I wanted him to leave me alone. He then sent another text saying he didn't know what he had done and then a couple more saying I was sad etc.

I spoke to my mobile phone company and got my number changed straight away. Obviously he can't contact me now, but for all I know he might still be sending texts to my old number. I now feel really nervous that I don't know what he is up to. He can see my house from the pub and some of the texts have come after he has seen friends and family leave. If anything I am more scared now that I was before. I don't know what to do. I am well aware that some of you think I brought this on myself, but do i have to feel scared forever? :sad:

I think in this situation it's called harrassment.

You need to log it with the police, tell them you had a brief relationship which was over a long time ago, you ended it, he has already verbally assaulted you in the pub (there were witnesses) and he is continuing to harrass you by text and phone and in person. Have you kept the texts? Keep everything.

Tell the police you have changed your phone number but he is turning up at your house and you are scared of him.

They can go and have a word with him, or just keep it on record in case it escalates. He is both harrassing you and bullying you and now stalking you.

I would be scared too, but no, you should not have to be scared for ever. You do have to tell people it is happening, as well, so there is a public awareness of it and people will be looking out for him and his behaviour.

Please don't be afraid - he is relying on your not wanting to create a fuss, but you have to in order to stop him acting like a bloody knob.

Is there any chance you could move house?

No sweetie you don't have to feel terrorised in your own home. Scared, unable to have a social life. No one deserves this, people who say otherwise are sick individuals.

People should be ashamed of trying to frighten you off, with you deserved it comments. Or what a trollop you are, you did it, etc. Not to mention the raging infidelity debate. This thread never moved on, people made it go on. Most never gave a shit, you were so bothered and scared of this man. So rather than helping you, they were to busy banging on about infidelity.You made a mistake. You are now frightened.

It's no wonder you disappeared, I really hope you aren't forced to again, when you are so, rightly scared of this nutter. That would be a shame.

So if people could kindly take their infidelity debate elsewhere. Whilst other women who don't want to see another scared in their own home. Help op.

Considering what has happened you should phone the non emergency police number. Get this recorded. If anything happens they know what is going on and it will put an alert against your address. So they can react faster.

If he continues consider reporting him for harassment.

I have some of the texts. The more recent ones just said general stuff like happy new year etc etc. Some of them I don't have because I tried to set up something on my phone to block his texts.

What could i say to the police though? Ive changed my number but i'm still scared? He came round on Monday evening, just after he had seen my exp leave.

I did tell the people that I saw on nye that he had been abusive in the pub and had sent me nasty texts, so a few people know.

You tell them exactly what you've put here. He's abusive to you in public, abused you by text, you've had to change your number, he keeps coming to your house when he knows you are alone. So he is watching you. Just say you are pretty scared of him as he does not seem to want to let it go. Which is scary considering what he has done.

They can note it all down so they can fast response to you.

Yes, tell them all that's happened, with dates if possible. Ask to make a statement that will be logged. I think the non emergency number is now 101, wherever in England you are. It might be different where you are.

They will take it seriously, don't worry, they have heard this sort of story a lot and always take it seriously as it is harrassment and you have told him to leave you alone. You have even changed your number.

If he isn't listening to you, he might listen to the police. I'm glad a few people know what he's been up to, the more know the better.

I've rang them. They were very sympathetic actually. They said if he turns up to ring them straight away and they will deal with it. God I hate this but I am trying to tell myself that just because I messed up a year ago, does not give him the right to act like a weirdy freak now.

Well done and no, it certainly doesn't mean he can do what he likes - you realise he is bullying you like this because he thinks he can get away with it. He realises you are scared of saying anything, and he even tested it out by doing it in public which tbh really worries me.

I'm so glad and relieved that you have called the police. He's a tit and he deserves whatever they do to him. He may try and blacken your name to the whole village if they do speak to him, or he may go strangely quiet. Whatever his reaction - don't accept it, just ignore him and most of all, make NO contact with him at all, yourself, even to respond to anything he does.

Sexual predators like this often get their kicks from making women feel scared and uncomfortable, too uncomfortable to say anything to anyone. it's a power trip. If you take away that power, he isn't going to be interested any more (and it's probably not about sex, either - that's surprisingly not their most common concern - they just want to make you squirm).

What a bastard. I hope he moves away or something.

Oh Dear OP that sounds horrible. Glad you've reported it. And nothing you have done has given him the right to behave like this.

I hope you are feeling less scared now.

I apologise if the 'infidelity debate' was seen as offensive to you OP. It certainly wasn't meant to be from my pov. I like threads where people can springboard onto interesting topics with people who have a different opinion. it is a discussion forum after all and with some of the opinions being expressed, i felt it was important to show another side.

I do not think the debate detracted from your issue however, just ran parallel.

Fwiw. It's good to remember relationships isn't discussion. Aibu, feminism yes.

Relationships is about asking for help. I cba to count. But I'd gladly say that if it were totted up around 90% of these posts had no interest in helping op, just debating infidelity. With a high percentage of those having a go at her for that.

Some people just need to step back and not make it all about them.

So glad you reported it op.