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Original poster

I've played with fire, what a huge mistake

197 replies

blueblueXmas · 18/12/2011 19:02

I had a very brief fling with a friend from my local pub. I have known him for years now and when I first met him I didn't know he was married, I didn't meet his wife until later on.

I know I probably sound like a hideous tart but in my defence I have been on my own for years, my self esteem is shit and I was lonely. it wasn't an affair more like 3 one night stands.

nothing has happened for several months and I have rejected any advances. I have stayed out of the way as much as possible.

fast forward to now, he has become a raving lunatic. he found out that my friend and I spent an evening chatting with some blokes that were on holiday and I was subjected to lots of snide texts which I ignored. there have been several more instances recently where he is really rude to me and then can't understand it when I don't really want to talk to him.

yesterday he sent a text saying are you going to ignore me forever? come over to the pub now or that's it.

my friend and I did pop over later and he ignored me and then when my friend went to the loo he laid into me.

shouting and swearing at me, asking what my Fucking problem was and saying I was out or order. I told him he was rude and childish and that wound him up even more. he then laid into my friend as well and we came home.

he sent abusive texts and left voicemails for the rest of the evening.

I am scared of what he might do next and I am so pissed off that my stupid bloody behaviour has meant that my social life in the village will now have to end. this means I will be alone for boxing day and New year when the kids are at their dads.

I feel sick with the stress. I know I have brought it on myself. but why does my life have to turn to shit while he carries on like normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
blueblueXmas · 19/12/2011 08:00

my knickers may be too loose, but yours are clearly too tight ledkr, must be all that extra judginess you've managed to cram in them.

I am tempted by the deny, deny, deny route but then I would be I suppose.

OP posts:
WhizziesMum · 19/12/2011 08:13

You asked for opinions OP. Personally I agree with Ledkr.

PiratecatClaus · 19/12/2011 08:22

it was over ages ago. you went to the pub, so what. it's his issues if you being in the pub is erm an issue. he made demands not you.

over xmas go to the pub. do not stay home. don't go on your own, go with a mate, even if it's just the once if that mate can come over. you have to live there, you need your local. it's hard if u are in a village, beuase people start to question your absence.

whats he gonna do, stand up in the pub pissed and tell everyone he shagged you???? lol, then it will get back to his wife.

ignore, it will pass. DON@T STOP going to pub. hope thats clear. Xmas Grin

Original poster
blueblueXmas · 19/12/2011 08:23

I don't think I did ask for opinions actually. but thank you for stating the bleeding obvious, clearly you are one of the more enligtened, helpful mumsnetters.

OP posts:
PiratecatClaus · 19/12/2011 08:24

oh, not condoning shagging married men by the way. it was his marriage, not hers.

Original poster
blueblueXmas · 19/12/2011 08:25

thank you pirate x

OP posts:
PiratecatClaus · 19/12/2011 08:27

no worries, can i come to the pub (also single and no social life)!!

fuzzypeach1750 · 19/12/2011 08:28

Not going to pass comment on the fact that he is married. He sounds like someone who thinks every woman should want him no matter what. Lunatic and you're best off well away from him, for lots of reasons.

Original poster
blueblueXmas · 19/12/2011 08:31

hmm yes, I have noticed that most people have a problem with his mad behavior, but the shagging is down to me.

I am well aware of my part in this, but I didn't hunt him down and ensnare him.

OP posts:
ledkr · 19/12/2011 08:32

It takes 2 to shag tho and op clearly stated she knew he was married so yep judgey pants well and truly hoisted,and your problem with that is???
As for him yes he sounds demented and quite possibly could get worse but the fact hes happy to cheat on his wife was hardly an indicator of good character now was it?
If he continues to worry or scare you then go to the police,they are under pressure at the moment to take this type of harrassment seriously.

PiratecatClaus · 19/12/2011 08:39

good character, bad character. it's in us all to be swayed. like to bet there's noone here who isn't good friends or related to someone who's pearly white. ie hasn't had an affair, hasn't made a mistake. isn't on their 2nd marriage with someone who had an affair or whatever.

SeoraeMaeul · 19/12/2011 08:40

Well first off - yes you were bloody stupid to sleep with a married man but I guess you know that.
Don't stop going to the pub if this is your main social circle but do expect it to be hard going for a while.
Go with friends - ideally more with one so you don't get left sitting on your own. Don't engage with him. BTW I'm wondering if what you meant by "acting normal" he thought of as another come on? Obviously "normal" got him into your bed before so maybe acting that way and then saying no is whats pissing him off? I'm not saying this is right or a reasonable way for him to behave - it isn't - but it may explain his attitude. So don't "act normal", just don't engage.
If you move on, and just ride it out then so will he - eventually.
Oh and the only caveat to this is if everyone finds out - and then well same advice you have to ride it out but it will take much much longer.

toddlerama · 19/12/2011 08:42

OP, you sarcastic remark about posters being 'enlightened' for not condoning shagging married people is bizarre.

He sounds mental. If you do decide to go to the pub anyway (fwiw I think you should - he will only decide that it is 'his' space and make it harder for you to socialise) please be safe and take someone with you.

AndYourCarrots · 19/12/2011 08:48

Does your friend know what happened? I think as many people close to you that know the better, and when you're out and he's there ask them to not leave you alone so he can't lay into you.

Don't cut yourself off from your village social life.

Pagwatch · 19/12/2011 08:55

Op, putting aside the rights and wrongs of how you ended up in this situation, I am a bit fuzzy about the problem.

Presumeably you want to go to the pub and have a drink. Why can't you do that? If you go in there you must meet with people so are not sitting alone. Is he really going to come over and shout at you in front of other people from your small community? Won't that just guarantee that his behaviour in shagging around will be outed?
I would have thought that he felt able to approach you when you were with a close friend rather than a random neighbour.
And would none of the people in the pub tell him to back off if he started ranting at you in the way you describe?
I can't really see how he can walk up to you in the pub, start abusing you for no apparent reason and it just be accepted by your neighbours.
Unless you are likely to step aside with him and permit intimate and private conversation.

Does that make sense? Can you see what I am driving at?

catherinea1971 · 19/12/2011 08:56

Can I just butt in here and say through all of this I have to say above all I fear for his wife.....he is obviously doesn't sound bothered if she finds out and if he thinks it is aceptable to treat/speak to you how he has been then how the hell is he treating his wife....very scared for the poor woman.

throwingcaution · 19/12/2011 08:56

OP You should have blocked his number atraight away and told him why tbh,

Shagging a married man and continuing to contact him only makes you look worse, If his wife finds out you won't have a leg to stand on.

His loon behaviour is a seperate issue , be wary and if he does contact you tell him straight to the point then tell him to leave you alone.

AndYourCarrots · 19/12/2011 09:00

Is he known for 'heavy' or thuggish behaviour in the village? I'm getting the impression he is feared a bit.

noddyholder · 19/12/2011 09:08

Go somewhere else. You sound like you crave attention.

Original poster
blueblueXmas · 19/12/2011 09:17

no he isn't normally thuggish, he was always popular and the life and soul, that's how I got drawn in I suppose. I was flattered.

the pub was fairly quiet on Saturday, my neighbours were there when he started but they walked off, I presume they thought it was a private conversation. my friend came back from the loo and heard him swearing at me and she made a comment and he started on her. I told him to leave her alone and to shut up.

the barmaid asked what was going on and I said, he sent me a ranty text, I've told him I don't want him speaking to me rudely and he has gone off on one. she said he was drunk and that was it.

OP posts:
Original poster
blueblueXmas · 19/12/2011 09:18

oh and the enlightened comment was referring to stating the obvious, nothing else.

OP posts:
Original poster
blueblueXmas · 19/12/2011 09:23

why do I sound like I crave attention?

I rarely go out, I mostly choose to stay in. but when other friends are out, I have ventured to the pub. now I know he will make a scene no matter whom I'm with, I won't go.

OP posts:
PissedOffAboutTheLikeButton · 19/12/2011 09:29

What made you think it would be a good idea to shag a married man?

If your social life in the village you life in has now become intolerable because of your actions, have you considered moving elsewhere?

Pagwatch · 19/12/2011 09:32

Can't you tell your neighbours that you don't want to be left alone with him?

I am probably annoying but this dynamic makes no sense. If he walks towards you and others walk away could you not walk away from him, move back to your neighbours and say 'gosh, don't leave me alone with him - he keeps shouting at me and I don't know what his problem is'
He has more to lose than you. You can use language and body language to tell the world he is being aggressive and he then has to explain (which I assume he won't) or back off.

My dh would not just wander off if a man was being aggressive to a woman even if they were mutual friends. He would check. So would I.
Are you conveying to everyone else through your manner that you are having a private chat rather than that he is abusing and upsetting you?
If you are, why? Is it shame perhaps that forces you to collude with his intimate approaches to you in public when you could easily say loudly 'you are frightening me. Please go away'

Helltotheno · 19/12/2011 09:40

OP I'm sure it'll all blow over but in the meantime, just take care of yourself. I wouldn't be going to/leaving the pub on my own for example. Truth is, you don't know what he could do, especially if pissed.

On the other hand, I don't think it means you can't go to the pub. Just ignore him and act like nothing happened. Chances are, he might feel guilty for laying into you. If he does and makes any type of apologetic overture towards you, I'd say use that opportunity to just put the whole thing to bed, tell him it was a mistake and you want to put it behind you. Whatever you do, even if he's nice to you, don't be suckered into going back with him.

You made a mistake, we've all made them. I'd say if anything, just don't look on the pub as potential partner material in future.

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