I've played with fire, what a huge mistake

[blueblueXmas]

I had a very brief fling with a friend from my local pub. I have known him for years now and when I first met him I didn't know he was married, I didn't meet his wife until later on.

I know I probably sound like a hideous tart but in my defence I have been on my own for years, my self esteem is shit and I was lonely. it wasn't an affair more like 3 one night stands.

nothing has happened for several months and I have rejected any advances. I have stayed out of the way as much as possible.

fast forward to now, he has become a raving lunatic. he found out that my friend and I spent an evening chatting with some blokes that were on holiday and I was subjected to lots of snide texts which I ignored. there have been several more instances recently where he is really rude to me and then can't understand it when I don't really want to talk to him.

yesterday he sent a text saying are you going to ignore me forever? come over to the pub now or that's it.

my friend and I did pop over later and he ignored me and then when my friend went to the loo he laid into me.

shouting and swearing at me, asking what my Fucking problem was and saying I was out or order. I told him he was rude and childish and that wound him up even more. he then laid into my friend as well and we came home.

he sent abusive texts and left voicemails for the rest of the evening.

I am scared of what he might do next and I am so pissed off that my stupid bloody behaviour has meant that my social life in the village will now have to end. this means I will be alone for boxing day and New year when the kids are at their dads.

I feel sick with the stress. I know I have brought it on myself. but why does my life have to turn to shit while he carries on like normal.

Marina, leave her alone. You're being very odd.

Thanks Blue for admitting to being the OW. I have wondered who these people are, who make themselves available to people who are not available.

Thank you also for admitting you were lonely, needy and have low self-esteem.

Unfortunately everything that happens from now on is consequences. You have brought this on your own self, by the choices that you knowingly made. I hope you read some of the 'my husband is having an affair' posts to understand the terrible damage and pain that OWs help selfish pricks do, and hope you never, ever make yourself available to someone who does not care about you in the way you should be cared about, in this way again.

This man has no integrity, it sounds as though he is asking for a commitment from you even as he is breaking his commitment elsewhere. IIWY I would tell him that you made a huge mistake, and that unless he wants his wife to find out he is to leave you alone. Simple threat but powerful. But reading between the lines, I think you are still hooked on him, and flattered by the attention. You are heading for a WHOLE load of pain, and bringing terrible pain on others (wife and kids) if you slide down that slope.

Good luck, and thanks for the honesty. You were wrong, but at least you were honest about it.

oh for goodness sake, what a crock of shit.
Would some of you stone throwers care to reread the title of this thread?
It does not say " I regularly get blind drunk and shag married men oooh what a lark "

Why do people on mumsnet "read between the lies" and invent a pile of shite that's not here.?

here is some of the imagined reading between the lines stuff

OP has a drink problem
Op is still hooked on shouty man
OP is masquerading as a new poster but is really some previous regular (seriously? who pays that much attention?)
OP craves attention
OP is hiding something.

Fortunately , bluebluechristmas, most people here actually read what you said and are sympathetic to your plight.

Turns out this thread has not run its course after all.

Unfortunately anyone who admits being involved in an affair will get short shrift on here as some see them (despite not knowing them) as fair game to attack.

not that that does anyone any good in their own situation. It's surely better to detach, or not attach in the first place but to deal with in whatever way you wish, the real life people who are hurting you (or sleeping with your DH) etc etc than some anonymous person on MN.

Transferring all that onto a stranger who admits being involved in an affair (of sorts) isn't constructive.

Why do you refer to local slapper? Is he not a slapper also. Two people to create that paticular situation. This is the thing about small communities, your every move is magnified but it becomes yesterdays news as soon as some other poor sod fucks up and it is their turn in the stocks. Hold you head up high, don't be worried, you are as human as the next. You made a mistake which you have realised. Only problem, he is unstable, that is not your fault. Do the best you can to manage him, let some close friends know what he is up to and if you feel really threatened call the police without a seconds thought. Enjoy your Christmas, don't shag weirdos anymore and a fresh slate in the new year

I dont think you have a drink problem at all, however knowingly shagging a married man not on but 3 times is no One off, you don't seem to sorry about his poor wife who's probabaly acting as an STI bank for all of his bits on the side.

sorry to be crude but what needs examining is Why you dont have much remorse for what you did.

Him being a nutter is a seperate issue, no you should not put up with it at all.

morning normal people, I wasn't going to come back but I wanted to check you had all received marina's memo about the thread being over.

my conscience is for me to worry about, you have no idea how I feel

Does his wife know?

Please, please PLEASE answer this question - Does his wife know you fucked each other three times?

well you havent displayed any remorse , his wife could have been humiliated or even worse recived an STI without even knowing, or perhaps gone years symptomless and become infertile,

cheating is no joke people need to start taking it seriously.

I dont think she knows Shirley and in her defence its not her place tbh its her scumbag husbands,
I know someone who's child is disabled, due to her OH cheating with another woman and passed on a STI.

honestly for the reasons above and many more people who are flippant about cheating should be tarred in public
. ITS A SERIOUS THING.

By normal i take it you mean anyone who hasnt challenged your sleeping with a married man?
The behaviour is definately unacceptable but as i said before a cheating hubby is hardly indicative of a "good bloke"
No it is true that the men often dont get the blame whilst the ow get slaughtered but to be fair they often come off worse.Mine lost his home,kids respect,business and well me!
I am far from a bitter old cow who couldnt keep my man happy and now hate all ow.I am an intelligent,attractive,self confident woman who expected my dh to keep his dick in his pants.
The attitude of me and many others about people not cheating,stems from watching the suffering of my children when the marriage broke up. My promising dancer son gave up his place at the royal ballet as his confidence was rocked,one of them started smoking weed and the baby developed mouth ulcers and sleep problems.She is now 9 and still cries about her Dad.Ds2 became depressed and had to have ad's at 17.
He was then desperate to come back but i wouldnt have him.Was it worth it?

That is the other side of cheatin.The reason why some of us get angry.
No the point is true that you didnt ask for judgement and got it,but people have been unanimous about his behaviour being worrying.
It just an emotive subject for many.
I hope it will be for you now and that it never happens to you in reverse.
What was "3 crap shags" to you is potentially life changing for others.

You will get lots of bitter and angry women on here whose relationships have been destroyed by infidelity. They are angry and bitter for various reasons but are so none the less.

Not the point, they aren't judge and jury. The whole idea of certain posters trying to decide who can post, when a thread is over and has run it's course. Is getting boring. They don't have that right.

You want to know how to deal with the behaviour right, rather than a lecture on how you have ruined little Johnny's Christmas.

You need to tell him to leave you alone or involve the police. Do not allow him to drive you out of a social life and feeling safe. No matter how some women here think you deserve it.

Wives aren't anybody's problem but their own and their husbands imo.

I've said it here before but while I totally understand and accept that families are destroyed by cheating, the fact is that millions of kids the world over are living in split families for all sorts of reasons. If an OP on here says she's deeply unhappy in her relationship, the advice is to leave it, and that the kids will cope ok with the right support.

I think it's wrong to blame single women for the suffering of women and children who have the bad luck to be attached to men who aren't committed to them.

I also don't understand the concern about STIs - what, does the OP automatically become literally diseased by her actions? Is the OP at risk of becoming infertile? Where exactly does this disease come from, and why is it OPs job to make sure the wife doesn't get infected?

Its not bitter to remember pain.
I probably was bitter.
I am not now. I am re married to a far better man.I have supported ow when ex broke her nose and she ended up at my door.I encouraged her to call the police.
They are back together now and i had her baby last year while i was heavily pg whilst she was in hospital.I actually quite like her and she has apologised.
I agree the point got lost due to people including me focussing on the wrong thing but op has also recieved support re the abusive bloke as well.

morris So the woman takes no responsibility whatsoever.Oh come on. I have had the mis fortune to be chatted up by attached men.I just told em to do one. At that point,i had a choice to make,i was not attached to them.or had developed any feelings for them.I would not do it for my own self respect. It is of course the married partners problem if they choose to out it about,but the other person involved is more than an innocent bystander.
As for wives not being the ow's problem,its true but many of us wouldnt care to do that to another woman.
One could say the same about many scenarios.I may not drive carefully cos im wearing my seat belt and if i run someone over its not my problem cos i dont know them.

hit the nail on the head ledkr.

The STI comment comes from the very serious consequences of infidelity and of course people who get paraletic and shag around are more likely to get STI's than people who dont.

I'm with morris. IMO the woman should take no responsibility whatsoever. Unless they are friends with the wife. If it is a stranger then no, sorry, i just don't see how it is anything to do with them.

The ONLY one who made a commitment, or is betraying them is their husband. I say this as someone who has been cheated on, and have never ever felt any animosity towards the OW. Unless it was the time my DP left me for my Best Friend - and then my anger with her was because she should have had more loyalty to our friendship.

I have also never understood the 'low self esteem' line which is trotted out. I think you can fuck a married man and still have quite high self esteem (as long as you aren't expecting him to leave his wife if he isn't planning to).

Blue, after you stopped the sex with him what happened? How did it end? What were you telling him when you were ?rejecting his advances?? Could you have been sending mixed messages and not being cleat that while you perhaps liked him you wouldn?t have sex with him anymore, or did you simply blank him and disappear?

Cheating HURTS.

A person who fucks a married man knowing he is married is responsible for what she is responsible for. She didn't cause it; but she knowingly encouraged and assisted something much more destructive than a just a fuck.

He, or the cheater, is entirely and 100% responsible for the choices HE made. He, not his marriage or his wife, made the choice.

There is a difference between those two things. I don't know why people are coming over all vapourish and relativistic because a poster is being hit with a few hard facts. It isn't bitter and twisted, it isn't projection. She brought these bad feelings and complications (and I have sympathy and can tell that you really don't feel great about this) - on herself, by the choices she made.

God, we really have had a bit too much 'it's society's fault' BS in this country. Personal responsibility and accepting consequences - remember that concept?

abitwobbly i don't really know where the it's societies fault angle is coming in on this scenario and i do think it is personal responsibility if the wife gets hurt but i believe it is 100% the Husband's personal responsibility (as you said, but then you said op was also responsible so that doesn't make sense to me) that's all. Not a person who has never met the wife/husband of the person they shagged.

I suppose i have a different opinion than some because my dad was married with a baby when he had an affair with my mum (M&D are still married after 38 years).

I have been the OW, i have cheated and i have been cheated on. I just only see it as the person who is actually married/committed's responsibility (and nothing to do with self esteem or anything like that). Unless of course the person who is seeing the spouse is a friend- then that opens another can of worms.

I think spouses should put the blame well and truly where it is deserved.

Sorry if that's a confusing post - i am concussed.

If you knowingly enter an affair you are as guilty as the married/attached person end of.

well yeah cos its a bit hard to cheat on your own.
I also dont get the point that the oher person is only guilty if they are a friend,what a load of balls,i like to treat people with respect whether i know them or not.