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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've played with fire, what a huge mistake

197 replies

blueblueXmas · 18/12/2011 19:02

I had a very brief fling with a friend from my local pub. I have known him for years now and when I first met him I didn't know he was married, I didn't meet his wife until later on.

I know I probably sound like a hideous tart but in my defence I have been on my own for years, my self esteem is shit and I was lonely. it wasn't an affair more like 3 one night stands.

nothing has happened for several months and I have rejected any advances. I have stayed out of the way as much as possible.

fast forward to now, he has become a raving lunatic. he found out that my friend and I spent an evening chatting with some blokes that were on holiday and I was subjected to lots of snide texts which I ignored. there have been several more instances recently where he is really rude to me and then can't understand it when I don't really want to talk to him.

yesterday he sent a text saying are you going to ignore me forever? come over to the pub now or that's it.

my friend and I did pop over later and he ignored me and then when my friend went to the loo he laid into me.

shouting and swearing at me, asking what my Fucking problem was and saying I was out or order. I told him he was rude and childish and that wound him up even more. he then laid into my friend as well and we came home.

he sent abusive texts and left voicemails for the rest of the evening.

I am scared of what he might do next and I am so pissed off that my stupid bloody behaviour has meant that my social life in the village will now have to end. this means I will be alone for boxing day and New year when the kids are at their dads.

I feel sick with the stress. I know I have brought it on myself. but why does my life have to turn to shit while he carries on like normal.

OP posts:

Snorbs · 19/12/2011 10:50

I think you made a mistake in going to the pub when he had said either come to the pub or it's over. Yes, I know you had your friend and yes you have the right to go where you like. But, honestly, given the situation I would've either stayed at home or gone elsewhere just for that evening. That's not to say that you can never go back but I think it would have sent a very firm signal that you're no longer interested.

He shouldn't have shouted at you and your friend. That was wrong of him. But it's a messy situation already and I think your decision to go to the pub on that particular night exacerbated it. From his point of view you are quite likely sending very mixed signals. I'm not saying that you are doing so deliberately but he doesn't sound particularly bright so he may well be misunderstanding what's going on.

Don't talk to him, don't engage with him, and if he gets in your face again tell him to fuck off or you're calling the police.

Pagwatch · 19/12/2011 11:04

So, (dog with a bone) if he has never had a go at you before and you have blocked his texts now why can you just not go to the pub and, if he bothers you, say loudly and clearly that you want him to leave you alone?

I am trying to deal with the problem you were seeking advice upon. I am not sure why you are saying you are isolated and can't go to the pub any more.

Can you explain at all? Or am I just missing the point?

Pagwatch · 19/12/2011 11:06

Yes. I agree with snorbs.
Had I received a 'come to the pub or it's over' text I would have explained to my friend that we would be staying in.
Balancing 'checking out if it will be ok' vs 'sending a clear and unambiguous signal' I would have avoided the pub at all costs.

Original poster

blueblueXmas · 19/12/2011 11:41

I suppose I can't go to the pub anymore because I don't want the grief. I know now that if I go over there he is likely to kick off and I don't want to antagonise him.

I had no idea he was going to react the way he did on Saturday. when I read his text I thought who the Fuck does he think he is. I will do what I bloody well like. in retrospect it was another mistake.
like I said before, I do not think he was referring to sex, he was talking about being friends.

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 19/12/2011 12:08

This guy is not a friend, never will be and yes, he was referring to the sex.

Sorry but I'm a bit of a cynic me...

Original poster

blueblueXmas · 19/12/2011 12:33

I've just found a Christmas card through the door from him and his wife. his handwriting. maybe he is feeling guilty now he is sober? not that it makes any difference.

nothing has happened between us for ages, can't even remember when. it was already over, not that is was a relationship anyway.

OP posts:

catherinea1971 · 19/12/2011 12:37

Wtf....he sounds unhinged to me, I don't think he's feeling guilty at all. Have you had xmas cards from him in the past?

Original poster

blueblueXmas · 19/12/2011 12:45

yes I think so. he has bought Christmas presents for the kids before and always gets them Easter eggs.

OP posts:

MarinaAzul · 19/12/2011 13:07

Hell, posting a cookie with a Christmas hat on doesn't make you look silly at all.

OP, are we getting the whole story here? Do you think he wants to continue sleeping with you or just wants to be your friend?
Why would he give your kids presents? Does it wife know what happened? You've known him for years and yet didn't know he was married !
Sorry, lots of questions but somethings are not clear.

Original poster

blueblueXmas · 19/12/2011 13:19

I didn't know he was married when I first met him. I did know he was married when I slept with him. I have already said all this if you read the thread. I have known him 3.5 years now.

his wife knows about the presents, he buys Easter eggs for half the village.

I think he has the arse because I am ignoring him and he can't handle it.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2011 13:22

This thread is the embodiment of that sage ole advice "don't shit on your own doorstep"

Original poster

blueblueXmas · 19/12/2011 13:56

couldn't agree more

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 19/12/2011 17:39

But...but...
You can deal with any 'grief' quickly by announcing loudly that he is giving you grief. Unless he wants his wife to know and wants all his dirty laundry aired he will back off.
If he knows without question that if he approaches you and is rude or aggressive that you will say really loudly "will you please go away and stop bothering me" he will go away.

I think you are worried about the embaressment. Because nothing else makes sense. He has way more to lose than you.

Go to the pub. Avoiding the pub will just extend the drama. Go to the pub and be loud every time he comes near you

Original poster

blueblueXmas · 19/12/2011 18:02

Yes, I am worried about being involved in some type of scene and also I don't want anyone to know how bloody stupid I have been. I suppose I have been trying to keep the peace because I have been worried about him getting stroppy, then drunk and blabbing to someone.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2011 18:07

Why would he blab ? He has more to lose than you, doesn't he ? Unless he is an open philanderer and his wife already knows about you, and in fact she is not the one requiring sympathy. You may already be the "talk of the village".

It seems rather odd he would draw so much attention to him and you in full view of gossiping village pubgoers, tbh

nkf · 19/12/2011 18:11

This is like a case study about how small villages are lousy for single women. I'd stay away. The pub sounds horrible. If you run into him i guess you could bluff it out and tell him to stop acting like this and to go away. You can't stop him blabbing. It's his secret too.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2011 18:14

It sounds bloody awful

I want to move to a particular country village when I retire. Perhaps it won't be so sleepy, beautiful and relaxing as I thought it would...

ArtVandelay · 19/12/2011 18:23

My gut feeling (as a former village dweller) is that you are not the first lady he's seduced and you won't be the last. Honestly IME villages are hotbeds of sexual intrigue. My Mum always has some story about "*** who tried to persuade Aunty Val to let him take nude photos of her at his New Years party" or some couple that had an affair with another couple for years. People will have their own skeletons in the cupboard and will soon find something else to gossip about. Just leave it a while and go to the pub in the new year.

Oh, and learn your lesson :)

Original poster

blueblueXmas · 19/12/2011 18:50

hopefully he won't blab, I'm worried about the alcohol loosening his tongue. people do stupid things when they drink!

I think it is probably common knowledge that he likes me.

village life, very much like emmerdale, everyone is at it.

OP posts:

Spuddybean · 19/12/2011 19:41

I feel sorry for you OP. I think you are getting a hard time here. I think married men have responsibilities to their wives and i hate it when the woman gets blamed.

I slept with a married man when i was single (a long time ago) and he was my boss, much older than me...and i was horribly drunk - probably every cliche in the book there! I never felt guilty, he had responsibilities to her, i didn't. It was not an affair.

The only person who i made look like a foolish twat was me. AN

Anyway, after having my share of embarrassing sexual encounters and dreading going into the local for fear of comments etc, i would say go in over the xmas - the longer you leave it the worse it can get, people will start talking.

He has more to lose than you. Be cordial. Just stay away from him and as pag says if he kicks off say loudly 'stop bothering me' or something along those lines.

He sounds like a loon - you shouldn't lose your social life because he is a knobber.

And i agree with those who say village life is like this. In my experience it's a nightmare! Hebden bridge used to be a hotbed of affairs, wife swapping same sex affairs from 'hetero' spouses, drinking, lock ins and everyone knowing everyone's business!!

Original poster

blueblueXmas · 19/12/2011 19:51

thank you. he is older as well.

you are spot on about village life, I have heard plenty of gossip as well including some about the married man's wife. I stay out of it as much as I can, I won't get drawn into running arguments, not sure how I cocked up so badly.

OP posts:

Spuddybean · 19/12/2011 20:00

my friends and i used to have a list of pubs we couldn't/wouldn't go in for precisely this shame factor! (not married men but still embarrassing choices nonetheless).

Don't worry, you may feel like the village bike at the moment, but for me it was worse - the village was London!!

JaneBirkin · 19/12/2011 20:19

I'm wondering if he was swearing and laying into you and your friend, why no one else in the pub sought to intervene or chuck him out?

Original poster

blueblueXmas · 19/12/2011 21:32

I don't know, I think it was just one of those situations where everyone just went whoa and backed off. I'm sure if it had continued, someone would have intervened. There were only about half a dozen of us in the bit where we were sitting, my friend was in the loo as was one of the men and my neighbours sloped off. The only other person was the woman behind the bar and she is mates with the married man.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2011 23:38

not sure how I cocked up so badly.

are you taking on board my rather pointed comment about how much you are drinking I made upthread ?

one drunken one night stand could be written off as a mistake

but three ??

that's not a mistake, that's a pattern

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