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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help-answered phone to ow had no idea- now sick to stomach, going crazy

406 replies

sowhatamigoingtodonow · 15/12/2011 04:58

please help anyone who has experienced this.

dh was asleep night before last and i took his phone, from under his pillow where he always keeps it, jealously guards (i know i know all clear now) to call my own phone as couldn't find it. then a girl called i answred, she asked for dh, i told her he's sleeping, she asked me to tell him to call her back..and then 'but who are you/ i'm his wife, who are you/etc' and she told me she met him last week in a bar and they have met a couple of times since and had sex. she was very apologetic, said there was no way she would have slept with him if she knew he was married, etc

i woke him, afraid i did attack him physically but our dd (2) was in the bed so i had to stop.
he started lying and lying and finally only admitted the very bare minimum he couldn't deny. i did convince him by speaking very calmly and quietly that he had to give all details. he complained that it was very uncomfortable to talk about and was angry to be asked questions
he went outside to smoke and i locked him out so he slept in the car i think, in the morning i'm afraid i attacked him twice more. i'm not a violent person normally but when i saw him i literally flew into a ballistic rage and wanted to kill him. i'm only sorry that i'm so f-ing feeble i couldn't really do him damage. and sorry because the kids saw me (DDs 2 and 4yrs)

my ds is home from uni for 3 weeks only so i do not want to give him this drama and put him in the terrible position of having to defend me. and my whole family (sister/brother/dad and gf and her 2 kids are coming to stay for 2 weeks from next week)
this is a really special xmas we've been planning for months and i can't fuck it up for everyone by being a crazy fucking mess with a cheating shitbag dh.
i just had to get away yesterday, took ds for a night away visiting my friend.
today i have to go back
getting away with ds i managed to stop the uncontrollable crying
but i don't know if i can control myself physically when i see dh. i just want to take a stick and beat him and beat him
i don't know if we can seriously survive this. i can't stomach the thought of staying but i seriously just wish this had never happened. or even that i didn't know. seriously. it's too much to cope with
2 days ago i was happy now i'm mad with hate
what can i do?

OP posts:
MakesXmasCakesWhenStressed · 15/12/2011 05:11

I'm sorry, I don't know what to say, but I didn't wantto leave you alone on here, so I'll keep you company till someone useful turns up.

Where is your H now?

lljkk · 15/12/2011 05:11

I don't think you can control yourself. You must not see him for a long spell. You still want to kill him, don't you? Forget trying to see him, for the good of everybody, you must not go back there.

Who cares about Christmas? Why is a good Christmas for many all down to you? Honestly, he's destroyed you emotionally (for now), you can't go with the original plan. Your younger ones are young enough to be satisfied with a low key Xmas & your DS is old enough to be an adult and actually support you. Tell your family the truth and see who will take you in & help you figure out a different plan over the next few weeks.

Of course you can survive this, he's a jerk; chuck him.
Is he a good dad? I would try to salvage the relationship with his DDs.

Oh, and get this thread deleted, sorry to say, I know you needed to vent but you will get slated for losing so much control.

Original poster
sowhatamigoingtodonow · 15/12/2011 05:13

and of course he says this is the first time since we've been together. woo how fucking special!
we've been together almost 7 years, i suspected him of something about 3 years ago but he denied denied denied and i had no proof other than gut feeling so chose to stay, we had 6 month baby, then we married and had 2nd.
now i feel like i've wasted my life on a shitbag. 2 cs's and my body is a disaster. 4 years of severe sleep deprivation and i'm haggard. all that breast feeding and my boobs destroyed. dh always tell me he's proud of the physical sacrifice/ investment i made for our family and he loves me.
but our relationship has many issues
now i feel sick and tricked and humiliated and destroyed. this man can't love me if he can do this to me. he doesn't see it as act against me but as something bad he did, a stupid act on impulse/ weakness
if it had been 'just' the drunken 1 night stand it started with there might have been something to that argument but he has met her again, slept the whole night with her (i was away with kids for 2 days) and kept in touch by phone up until the moment i intercepted.

i just fucking hate him and can't cope with anything, but have to act normal for ds and my family. my friend advised me to get something from dr to calm me down. i don't want to go to jail for murder so maybe i should. i just on't know what the fuck to do

OP posts:
FellatioNelson · 15/12/2011 05:13

OK, first of all I want to you stop with all the talk about beating him. I know you are very very hurt, but this thread can't go well if you try to justify physically attacking him SEVERAL times. There is no justification I'm afraid. If this was a man posting he'd get no sympathy whatsoever, and he'd take a severe cyber-pasting on here as well.

Apart from anything else, it's not a dignified response to what he has done to you and you need to keep some control if you are to deal with this without having a complete meltdown. Don't give him any ammunition to say he's leaving because you are the unreasonable one.

Take a deep breath and start again. Smile Then we can help.

FellatioNelson · 15/12/2011 05:22

In fact, it would be worse than that - there would be a whole war council gathering and demanding that MNHQ contact the police and track the man down via the OP's computer, and have him arrested.

Original poster
sowhatamigoingtodonow · 15/12/2011 05:25

yes violence is shocking, i'm shocked

this man has destroyed my kids family and i've acted in rage, fortuanately i have no experience of hitting someone so i was very ineffectual and he's not hurt. don't worry about him

i can't broadcast my humiliation. i don't want anyone to know this has happened to me.

i don't want my family to have a horrible xmas holiday, i care about them. i don't want to freak out ds and make him come home less than he already does. and what if i decide to stay? it would be better for ds not to know until i've decided if that's an option or not

my only plan is to try to gain some control, drugs? and try to keep a lid on it until they all leave

sounds impossible, probably is

OP posts:
MakesXmasCakesWhenStressed · 15/12/2011 05:28

Well... there is the option of 'coming down with a hideous bug' that you don't want anyone to catch. It's not ideal, but would give you a bit of breathing space w/o having to make any decisions, because obviously it would mean DH sleeping elsewhere so he doesn't catch what you have, and noone would think anything of you for cancelling Xmas if you're ill...
Just an idea.

Original poster
sowhatamigoingtodonow · 15/12/2011 05:30

thanks lljkk, you're right that's the advice i would give someone else too

OP posts:
lljkk · 15/12/2011 05:36

So what, you're going to take him back & pretend it all never happened? Are you NUTS?
You can't do it, you cannot. Don't try to pretend you can.
If you try to pretend, you will snap & maybe attack him again.
You do not want your children to have one dead parent & the other one in prison.
Sorry to be blunt, but there are much worse outcomes than feeling humiliated.

lljkk · 15/12/2011 05:38

oops, X post!
Now subterfuge is a good idea... advertise that you've the tummy bug from HELL; MakesCakes is wise.
I don't know if that will work with your eldest, could you just delay his planned arrival by an extra 3-4 days, at least?

Original poster
sowhatamigoingtodonow · 15/12/2011 05:39

you're right lljkk i know it really but i can't believe these have become my options
in 36 hours my life has shrunk to this

OP posts:
Original poster
sowhatamigoingtodonow · 15/12/2011 05:43

the eldest is already here, i actually managed to be half normal around him, think i pulled it off. it's a relief to be alone with him and enjoy his company and not have to think about the rest of my fucked up life. this is first time he's been home for nearly 4 months and i can't poison let my shitbag dh poison things

OP posts:
dustlandfairytale · 15/12/2011 07:11

OP, I went through similar in the summer. Had a family party for my parents 60th Wedding Anniversary and in the middle of of celebrations discovered that my shitbag H had been leading a double life for 18 months (now think that is a lie and its nearer 4 years.) I hid it for ages and it was not healthy holding it all together. Once you have hidden it, it becomes very hard to tell in the cold dawning of reality. I hate to say it but it is only Christmas. No one who loves you, and that sounds like a lot of lovely family are going to want you to go through this hell on your own for the sake of their Christmas. My eldest DS was a tower of strength and is not much older than yours by the sound of it. Everyone will keep telling you children are resilient and they really really are. Wishing you all the best. You will get huge support but you need to let people know.

AKissIsNotAContract · 15/12/2011 07:57

So sorry you are going through this. My mum discovered my dad's affairs just before Christmas. Us children had to keep the pretence going so our grandparents didn't realise. It was really stressful. Please just be honest with your older son. If he's at uni then he's old enough to hear this. You'd probably have a much nicer Christmas if you kicked your H out. It's too stressful to try to pretend everything is ok.

redstargirl · 15/12/2011 08:17

I'm absolutely gutted for you to have to go through this at any time, but I'm with AKiss on this one. As a kid of 12yrs I went through the same thing and at first my mum hid it for 6 months - it nearly destroyed her. Once it was out it the open we were able to come to terms with it and support her (as best you can at that age - my sis was 8 by that time). A close friend of hers gave her one piece of advice - keep your dignity and self-respect above all else, for your own sake, but just as importantly for the sake of your kids. The relief of sharing such an appalling discovery with people who know you and care is immense. All the very best with whatever you decide to do - be brave, no-one has the right to treat another human being in that way and if they do then they are not worth any of your emotional energy (good or bad).

Northernlurker · 15/12/2011 08:27

I doubt this is sthe first time if he's always been secretive about the phone. Kick him out and do NOT lay another finger on him. That's isn't leading anywhere good.

rockape · 15/12/2011 08:29

Are you sure this is the first time that you have hit him ? You sound like a violent person, hitting him with your child in the bed isn't a good sign.

Perhaps his affair was a way for him to deal with your abuse ?

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 15/12/2011 08:38

oh do fuck off rockape what tosh!

OP, obviously hitting your H is not the way forward, lashing out in rage never is.

What you need to do is get some RL support, from your family and Doctor.

ameliagrey · 15/12/2011 08:47

OP_ phone the Samaritans they are there 24/7 and wil listen and not judge.

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 15/12/2011 08:51

You poor love, you probably do need to go to the doctors and get something to help you process all this pain.

You need to tell your family too - you know that. They love you, they won't be anything but supportive I'm sure.

Try to find something inanimate to punch - a pillow for example. This form of grief (that's what this is) will abate given time, but you really mustn't lose control with him again - it could have really serious consequences. Sad

fiventhree · 15/12/2011 08:53

For Christ sake, give the woman a break, folks.

This is not a violent person, but someone in shock who is not good at seeking support and baring her soul.

Op, listen to those who have told you to tell family, that is what loove is about, not just the good times. Also, tell your dh, I would have told my dd when she was at uni- he will suspect something is wrong anyway, so it is better for HIm as well as you.

He is a serial offender, isnt he?

You need to take action.

MadAboutHotChoc · 15/12/2011 08:54

What a horrible shock Sad

Please only meet him in public places - that way you will control your temper. I would also tell family and close friends what happened as this will really help you get the support you need.

WhoopsyLa · 15/12/2011 08:56

I am very upset for you....to find this out now..and with a 2 year old is heartbreaking. I hope you hve some family to turn to?

trulyscrumptious43 · 15/12/2011 09:01

Rockape get lost, right now, and go and bother another thread. Don't judge unless you have been in this position yourself.

OP I'm so sorry this has happened to you now (well, at all in fact).
Christmas looms upon you and I understand totally that you just want to get the nuts and bolts of it sorted and get through the next few weeks while you sort your head out.
Are all your xmas visitors from your side of the family? Would it be possible to change the locks request your DH spends xmas elsewhere. You don't need to hide the situation from your family; I know it's always our gut reaction to cover these things up but it won't help if you are going to be all under the same roof.

Gather your family around you (your oldest DS sounds lovely btw) and make the best of what you have available to you. Families are there for support (although we all know they can be massively annoying too!)
Big hugs

LaurieFairyCake · 15/12/2011 09:03

It is NOT your humiliation, it is his.

You did not ask or consent to be cheated on.

It is NOT up to YOU to 'save' Christmas. HE has ruined it.

It sounds like right now your marriage is over for you. Leave or get him to - and seek the support of the people who love you - if they love you they will be very upset that you hid it all to make their Christmas special.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}