please help-answered phone to ow had no idea- now sick to stomach, going crazy

[sowhatamigoingtodonow]

please help anyone who has experienced this.

dh was asleep night before last and i took his phone, from under his pillow where he always keeps it, jealously guards (i know i know all clear now) to call my own phone as couldn't find it. then a girl called i answred, she asked for dh, i told her he's sleeping, she asked me to tell him to call her back..and then 'but who are you/ i'm his wife, who are you/etc' and she told me she met him last week in a bar and they have met a couple of times since and had sex. she was very apologetic, said there was no way she would have slept with him if she knew he was married, etc

i woke him, afraid i did attack him physically but our dd (2) was in the bed so i had to stop.
he started lying and lying and finally only admitted the very bare minimum he couldn't deny. i did convince him by speaking very calmly and quietly that he had to give all details. he complained that it was very uncomfortable to talk about and was angry to be asked questions
he went outside to smoke and i locked him out so he slept in the car i think, in the morning i'm afraid i attacked him twice more. i'm not a violent person normally but when i saw him i literally flew into a ballistic rage and wanted to kill him. i'm only sorry that i'm so f-ing feeble i couldn't really do him damage. and sorry because the kids saw me (DDs 2 and 4yrs)

my ds is home from uni for 3 weeks only so i do not want to give him this drama and put him in the terrible position of having to defend me. and my whole family (sister/brother/dad and gf and her 2 kids are coming to stay for 2 weeks from next week)
this is a really special xmas we've been planning for months and i can't fuck it up for everyone by being a crazy fucking mess with a cheating shitbag dh.
i just had to get away yesterday, took ds for a night away visiting my friend.
today i have to go back
getting away with ds i managed to stop the uncontrollable crying
but i don't know if i can control myself physically when i see dh. i just want to take a stick and beat him and beat him
i don't know if we can seriously survive this. i can't stomach the thought of staying but i seriously just wish this had never happened. or even that i didn't know. seriously. it's too much to cope with
2 days ago i was happy now i'm mad with hate
what can i do?

Oh FGS bubblechristmaspop child abuse? Really? Hysterical much!

I can totally understand her feeling like she wanted to kill him after what he's done. She hasn't actually said she was going to has she? If she was going to she bloody well would have done it by now. She's admitted it on here because she knows it was wrong. If she was really a violent person capable of doing some damage she wouldn't be broadcasting it on MN would she?

I was the red mist poster - I'm not excusing violence at all but I am trying to empathise as I have been in the same position. I've said that I felt abject humiliation at my actions and I carried that around with me for years. It was actually very damaging as in the last stages of our short marriage, he pinned his excuses on me being unreasonable all based on the day I found out that the husband I loved and went through hell going against my parents to marry, abused the most fundamental trust that husband and wife should have. I saw my future being snatched away from me; all my dreams and ambitions being terminated, gut wrenching sadness that my children would be brought up without their father. His very painful physical and emotional withdrawal from me for months, finally explained by him trying to cover up a love bite on his neck after I took our children to visit my sister for the weekend. I'd been blaming myself for not being attractive enough, slim enough, on and on. My reactions that day were completely instinctive. My very existence was under attack and that is how I reacted. May have been against the law and against all common decency but very instinctive with no time to stop myself. I describe this as the only time I have ever lost my temper and I am betting the OP is probably as placid as me usually. When you live your life in a controlled and measured way, I think when you do blow, you go for it in a major way.

OP, all I can say is it solved nothing. It happened only that once and I made sure that we were not alone again after that. That's probably the best advice I can give you to stay away from him. I still felt like I wanted to hit out but the feeling of anger wore away to sadness and self reproachment and a whole host of other feelings too.

I can't see anyone on this thread suggesting that violent reaction is acceptable but we are very complex creatures and shock can affect people in very different ways. If any of you knew me, you'd see that I am very dignified and that this behaviour was so at odds with the "usual" me.

Baypolar - yes, the garden hoe - if you must know, I always felt he loved the car more than me so that's why it became the object of my anger as the coward ran down the garden and over the fench to the fields behind our house. I can actually laugh about it now but I really did not have control that day. That's why I understand the OP's situation.

Yep my posts are spot on. Affairs not illegal. Violence illegal.

Subjecting a child to witnessing violence in the home is child abuse. Why don't you check it out with the relevant authorities.

This isn't a one off, op can't guarantee she won't do it again and isn't bothered about her children witnessing and remembering it.

Guess what, people are condoning that. Condoning child abuse. Yep spot on.

bubblechristmaspop Do you really have nothing better to do than post inflammatory posts?

'for that alone she deserves to lose her kids'

What planet are you on?

You are saying that children should be removed from a parent because they lose control under extreme pressure having never previously been violent?

I hope to fuck you are not a social worker

They aren't inflammatory, it's fact. Is it hard for you to hear you are condoning child abuse?

Those who profess to care for the op, need to stop justifying her stance. You aren't helping her.

She can't guarantee she won't be violent. She said its not the worst thing to happen if the dd remembers as that's life.

You need to shake her hard and tell her to stay away. As if she carries in she will lose everything and gain a criminal record and damaged child.

Justifying and sympathising therefore encouraging that behaviour is not the answer. She needs to be told to get a grip for her and her dd sake.

thankyou averyembarressing, i feel just as you said word for word. how are you now? how did you manage to get your life back?

is this the place really to debate the rights and wrongs of this? the OP is in shock, in need of some practical advice and some support.

I am in no way condoning any act of violence, but i am sure, if the OP s husband had felt in any way scared, threatened of in danger he could have used taht closely guarded phone and dialled 999, and got his wife arrested for domestic assault. thats a fact.
he didnt.
she is saying her reaction was wrong.
but now, the thread has become about the wrongs of trying to slap someone when youve just found out they are cheating....

really?

OP - stop biting.

start telling us what you are going to do now.
where are you?
are you going to speak to your family?
practically what are your options?
financially?
sod xmas
sod the debate

whats your plans now?

Do you not think that everyone who has commited an act of violence has been able to justify it as 'well they deserved it' 'I was provoked', would you have shrugged it off if he had hit you back? The fact you don't see nothing wrong with hitting our DH several times in front of your children gives me a good idea of the sort of person you are, and quite frankly I'm not surprised he cheated on you

Bubble, I cant see where the OP has said she has done it more than once.

She did it once

She feels like doing it again

..but she hasnt.

Nobody on this thread has encouraged the violent behaviour IMO.

I think you should ask him to leave and then be honest with your family (and his if they're coming) and then try to carry on with your Christmas plans as best you can.
Get some distance and perspective. Having him around isn't healthy right now for you or your children.
Take care and you can get through this.

anon - i don't see nothing wrong? oh but i do

I think Vicar's posts are spot on.

Bubble et al - wow - taking sanctimony to new heights! I see no condoning of violence in the majority of posts on this thread. Nobody is saying the op is justified in attacking her dh. What I am saying though is that I can see how this happened and precisely because of that she must take steps to make sure it never happens again. Please do stretch your minds to grasp the difference between these positions.

Oh my word bubble, enough, really

The OP lashed out in anger, once. She does not have anger issues in general in life. She's not controlling, not a manipulator nor a bully. She's a woman who just found out her husband cheated on her by talking to the OW. She reacted..once and she's dealing with it.

Let's move on from being all high pitched and give this woman some bloody support and HELP her deal for the good of her whole family.

Name it's in the op, she attacked him more than once. She can't guarantee she won't do it again. She isn't bothered how the dd will remember this...notice no one wants to raise that last issue with her.

There has been lots of encouragement and justification. She needs to realise how badly this will affect her child.

She need to calm down, get it all out in the open and stay away from him in this frame of mind. No one seems remotely concerned about the dd. When defending the op. They are just concentrating on the act. It speaks volumes.

Hello OP, I got my life back, yes I did. And it has been much better than the one I had with XH. You will also. I personally could not forgive the infidelity so that day was the last day we lived together as husband and wife. There have been some awful things said in the thread about people deserving infidelity. I hope that by trying my best to be a good wife and mother I didn't bring it on myself. He had an affair with a 58 year old woman and I was 24 years old, him 26. I brought up my kids on my own and they have turned out very well. I went back to college and have a very successful career. I've been very fortunate to have this life I've made for myself, good friends and a supportive family. But I won't promise it wasn't a struggle at times because it has been but not unmanageable. However, I'm content now and when I look back, we were so obviously not right for each other.

This is still so very raw for you. You do need support and if you can tell your family as others have suggested, you will have help. You need to take the pressure off yourself by unburdoning your secret. It's not your shame to cover up. You can always private message me if you want to know more as I am living proof - as many of us on here are - that there is life after unfaithfulness and my advice is get over the shock, make your decisions about your direction and then learn to live as well as you can. Stretch yourself because you'll be amazed at what you can achieve! Bless you! May I suggest that you stop reading this thread now because you have a lot on your plate right now and you need to concentrate on your immediate family requirements and sanity. He is not worth bruising your fist over, you know!

i know already of course that one should never admit to violence on mumsnet. total no-no.
no-one ever hits, or smacks, or cheats etc

i could have omitted that detail but it's part of my horror that i've described voluntarily and i really appreciate all the helpful advice an kind words.

thanks everyone

For those that can't read. She didn't attack him once. She attacked him 3 times over 24 hours. It's in the op. Hth.

Bubble - you're just spouting total bollocks now. This whole thread is full of concern for the effect on the children. Try and see past your own unpleasant agenda.

do you know, the worse domestic assault arrest i ever had was in these exact circs?

and the husband did not want to make any complaint. He knew he had been an absolute bastard, and it was completely out of character for the woman, it just so happened he had chosen to tell her in a public place, so when she walloped him, others phoned police.

yes, violence is always wrong.

but people are people, they are unpredictable, they are emotional.
if i judged people as some of those on this thread have done, then i could not do my job with any impartiality.
please please stop the debate about what the op has done - she knows its wrong,

this is a woman hurting, in need of some advice, and support.

bubble..as horrible as it is....the child is 2 years of age and yes would have been upset by the incident but is young enough to not remember it [certainly not enough to affect their adulthood]

The Op has pointed out this was a one off and; unless she is lying, the child will not be affected long term.

Nope I'm going to keep going. All the time the pro violence brigade if you've had an affair keep on ignoring the dd.

Not one of you has addressed the fact op can't guarantee she won't be violent and she's not bothered about the kids seeing.

Someone's got to stick up for the kids none of you are.

Name they are 2 and 4. Oh and in Dv cases now. They can charge without the victim pressing charges vicar.

OP - good on you!!

I would hit my husband too if he had done that to me and I doubt it would hurt him very much as he is a big bloke!!

I really feel for you and cannot imagine how you are feeling.

Some of these posters are ridiculous - SGB for one!

I really think you should get some real life support though and kick your H out for now.

You are not an abuser - you are a woman in shock and you do not deserve to lose your children.

Take care xx

Yes she's bothered, she said she was ' sorry because the kids saw me'

Are you as dim as your posts are currently making you appear because you really seem to struggle to understand ponts made. Unless they agree with you of course.