please help-answered phone to ow had no idea- now sick to stomach, going crazy

[sowhatamigoingtodonow]

please help anyone who has experienced this.

dh was asleep night before last and i took his phone, from under his pillow where he always keeps it, jealously guards (i know i know all clear now) to call my own phone as couldn't find it. then a girl called i answred, she asked for dh, i told her he's sleeping, she asked me to tell him to call her back..and then 'but who are you/ i'm his wife, who are you/etc' and she told me she met him last week in a bar and they have met a couple of times since and had sex. she was very apologetic, said there was no way she would have slept with him if she knew he was married, etc

i woke him, afraid i did attack him physically but our dd (2) was in the bed so i had to stop.
he started lying and lying and finally only admitted the very bare minimum he couldn't deny. i did convince him by speaking very calmly and quietly that he had to give all details. he complained that it was very uncomfortable to talk about and was angry to be asked questions
he went outside to smoke and i locked him out so he slept in the car i think, in the morning i'm afraid i attacked him twice more. i'm not a violent person normally but when i saw him i literally flew into a ballistic rage and wanted to kill him. i'm only sorry that i'm so f-ing feeble i couldn't really do him damage. and sorry because the kids saw me (DDs 2 and 4yrs)

my ds is home from uni for 3 weeks only so i do not want to give him this drama and put him in the terrible position of having to defend me. and my whole family (sister/brother/dad and gf and her 2 kids are coming to stay for 2 weeks from next week)
this is a really special xmas we've been planning for months and i can't fuck it up for everyone by being a crazy fucking mess with a cheating shitbag dh.
i just had to get away yesterday, took ds for a night away visiting my friend.
today i have to go back
getting away with ds i managed to stop the uncontrollable crying
but i don't know if i can control myself physically when i see dh. i just want to take a stick and beat him and beat him
i don't know if we can seriously survive this. i can't stomach the thought of staying but i seriously just wish this had never happened. or even that i didn't know. seriously. it's too much to cope with
2 days ago i was happy now i'm mad with hate
what can i do?

I fourth and fifth searchsquads advice too

How are you lg?

It is so desperately traumatic and painful, people who have never experienced it just have no idea, that is why they [wrongly] focus on the 'violence and child abuse' and pontificate.

Sending you support and concern LG, just know you are not alone. AF, Tutu, me and others are looking out for you. You WILL survive this. Just know it.

In the mean time, don't even look at that arse. Unfortunately men do not think any of this through. It is dawning on him how much he has hurt you, it will take time for him to get what he has broken, and that everything has changed. The hormones of bliss and ecstasy need to fade leaving cold reality instead. Leave him to it.

And everything searchsquad says. Start copying everything financial you can. Tax records, bank accounts, bills. Stash in a safe place.

thanks for asking, still shit. i'm not so angry now, lost lots of weight and didn't tell ds or my sister anything. they do realise that something is very wrong between dh and i though.
he is still here, sleeping with the kids. he has moved on to 'there's nothing more i can do, i'm giving up'
if i stop and think about his lack of action, to back up the words of remorse it's so overwhelmingly sad. he has said sorry, it was a horrible mistake, etc but no actions show he really cares for me.
which leaves me no choice but to seperate from him. if he had only begged and cried and shown me love and desperation i would have felt i had to at least consider a future with him but he's more cross than anything and it's amazing how quickly our relationship has disintegrated. i can't imagine ever coming back from this.

There is a good book often recommended on mn to help you recover from an affair and save the marriage. It's called "just good friends" by Shirley Glass but tbh I really think things are not salvageable for you at all, but you may find the book helpful anyway. I know I did, it helped me ask ExH difficult questions and delve into things that hadn't occurred to me. Ultimately under my intense scrutiny, thanks to that book, he finally admitted it had never ended and he couldn't chose between us

My ExH seemed cross that he'd been caught out more than anything in the early days and then began the mud slinging, as he attempted to justify his actions. Now Christmas is over, please consider if there is a way for him to move out. Because for your own sanity and for a calmer atmosphere for you and DCs it would be best x

You are in the 'shock and grief' stage now. Please do not underestimate how traumatised you are.

THIS IS NOT THE TIME to be making decisions. Firstly, because you are traumatised. Secondly, because he is discovering just how much he has hurt people he is 'supposed' to love and take care of. Whilst battling with the ecstatic memories of exciting forbidden.

So take one day at a time. One moment at a time. And keep talking to us, we know exactly how you feel.

I thought I would die from the pain. And yes, I was violent. Very violent. Awaiting a sanctimonious lecture from Bubble.