please help-answered phone to ow had no idea- now sick to stomach, going crazy

[sowhatamigoingtodonow]

please help anyone who has experienced this.

dh was asleep night before last and i took his phone, from under his pillow where he always keeps it, jealously guards (i know i know all clear now) to call my own phone as couldn't find it. then a girl called i answred, she asked for dh, i told her he's sleeping, she asked me to tell him to call her back..and then 'but who are you/ i'm his wife, who are you/etc' and she told me she met him last week in a bar and they have met a couple of times since and had sex. she was very apologetic, said there was no way she would have slept with him if she knew he was married, etc

i woke him, afraid i did attack him physically but our dd (2) was in the bed so i had to stop.
he started lying and lying and finally only admitted the very bare minimum he couldn't deny. i did convince him by speaking very calmly and quietly that he had to give all details. he complained that it was very uncomfortable to talk about and was angry to be asked questions
he went outside to smoke and i locked him out so he slept in the car i think, in the morning i'm afraid i attacked him twice more. i'm not a violent person normally but when i saw him i literally flew into a ballistic rage and wanted to kill him. i'm only sorry that i'm so f-ing feeble i couldn't really do him damage. and sorry because the kids saw me (DDs 2 and 4yrs)

my ds is home from uni for 3 weeks only so i do not want to give him this drama and put him in the terrible position of having to defend me. and my whole family (sister/brother/dad and gf and her 2 kids are coming to stay for 2 weeks from next week)
this is a really special xmas we've been planning for months and i can't fuck it up for everyone by being a crazy fucking mess with a cheating shitbag dh.
i just had to get away yesterday, took ds for a night away visiting my friend.
today i have to go back
getting away with ds i managed to stop the uncontrollable crying
but i don't know if i can control myself physically when i see dh. i just want to take a stick and beat him and beat him
i don't know if we can seriously survive this. i can't stomach the thought of staying but i seriously just wish this had never happened. or even that i didn't know. seriously. it's too much to cope with
2 days ago i was happy now i'm mad with hate
what can i do?

Oh my darling - what a shit shit shit thing! I understand completely your violent reaction, but if you let it happen again, he can take the moral high ground, and he doesn't deserve that.

I personally think that if you try to keep it locked up and hidden over Xmas (which is a stressful time for lots of people even when they aren't going through what you are going through) that you may do yourself more damage.

That anger and rage has to come out somewhere.

I'm with the stomach bug/flu scenario!

xxxx

I'm so sorry

You don't want to tell your family because you think you might stay with him. This means you are cutting off a huge source of support for you, which means you have to struggle with your rage all on your own. That's not good.

Where is he now? You need to physically stay away from him until your rage subsides. It will -- really. But until then, keep your distance.

I also think you would be nuts to stay with him. He has probably done this before and will do it again. You will go through so much to stay with him and then probably the rest of your life worry whether he will do it again. Why would you do that to yourself, to your kids?

Step one is realising that your marriage is over. Then you can put on your practical hat, tell people what's going on, rearrange Christmas (it will be fine!), see a solicitor, etc.

I know it's a huge mindfuck but you need to get yourself under control NOW, for the sake of your kids.

Who are you closest to in your family? Your mum? A sister? Start by telling someone in your family, you need some support.

And as other posters have said, keep away from 'H' if you can't control your rage. Understandable as it is.

Also try to let the rage out any other way you can -- scream, punch pillows, run around the block fifty times.

It really will get better.

I don't have any advice for you other than be very kind to yourself and your children.

I just wanted to let you know I'm terribly sorry. Horrible situation at a difficult time

Poor you. Have been there myself, it is awful.

MY advice would be to tell people you trust. You need some RL support

Get it out in the open as by hiding it you are allowing your H off the hook. It might be an idea if your H left for a while as it will make him see the seriousness of the situation he has caused.

Also, find yourself a counsellor, as you need a safe space to vent and discuss your feelings.

Tell your whole family.Tell at least your oldest child (who I presume is not his biologically so will be less emotionally invlved perhaps)

By not telling people you are covering for him.

And of course it wasn't the first time. But you know that already.

He should leave, and go off somewhere and leave you and your family to make the best of Christmas that you can.

Don't try and keep it all together for the sake of Christmas, I did this many years ago and it was so awful and stressfull and so difficult to keep it all in. You will seethe with rage when you see your H playing at being perfect Dad and Husband in front of your relatives, and given your reaction to your original discovery, there could be Christmas carnage!

Be truthful with your relatives and family now!
My advice would be why prolong the agony any longer, he is not going to change, this is something that has obviously become part of his life and he has no scruples or conscience. I do not think your relationship can be salvaged, despite any empty promises from him . He will revert to type!

Be upfront with your family still invite them for Christmas if you want and have them around you to be supportive. Tell your H to make his own arrangements, he might want to find someone in a bar who could put him up over the festive period!

I just wanted to add how sorry I am that you are in this situation. I too had a shock like this and felt just uncontrollable anger and hurt and wanted to lash out. I found cleaning like a maniac and running to the point of exhaustion (which didn't take long, I'd never done a jot of exercise before then!) both really helpful.

I also really recommend you see your doctor, even if you decide not to take medication now, they will be able to organise a counsellor and they will already be aware of the situation if you do decide further down the line that you need more help.

I hope you manage to tell someone in RL, your dh is the one that has done this - you have no need to feel embarrassed. It was his choice, his actions and now his consequences.

Sending a big un MN hug

calm down first and foremost
stop the violence and the anger - the kids will be frightened and scared to see their mother screeching and hitting their dad - think of them. Plus your husband is within his rights to call the police and have you arrested.

My advice would be dont be hasty - you have plenty of time to decide what to do - it doesnt all need to be sorted out in one day.

So sorry to read this, what a dreadful shock for you, and at a shit time of year for it too.

1. Can you tell him (by phone or text) to just stay away for the moment as you need to reassess things and gather yoiur thoughts.

1. Can you tell one close person, friend or relative and ask them to tell the others and rearrange things?

1. Your uni-son is a big boy - perhaps you could tell him and let him help you, I'm sure he'll be angry too and want to support you in any way he can.

1. Forget the ideal Christmas, just let go of that concept. The aim will be to get through it, without violence, and still being able to enjoy the company of the rest of the people you love.

1. I know this sounds trite, but please go out for a walk, keep moving, plug music into your ears and just walk and walk.... the last thing you want now is for your body to go down too, and all this tension (to say the least) can play havoc with headaches, neck problems etc. Walk and walk....march, stomp, just get on the move.

1. You need to let go of this feeling that you are responsible for everyone's happiness. You can't be this year, simple as that. Something unexpected has come up which has made it necessary for others to try and help YOU to get through Christmas.

Very, very sorry, and can appreciate your fury and devastation.

I agree with everything dreamingbohemian wrote. You shouldn't have to struggle on, feeling that you owe everyone a nice, normal Christmas! And please don't take him back.

From what you say, it's almost certain that he did cheat on you a few years ago. Last night he tried to lie to you, even though you'd actually just spoken to his OW, and even then only admitted the bare minimum he knew he couldn't get away with denying! I bet last time he was lying too, but you didn't have any actual hard evidence to pin him down with then. No wonder you're so angry. Do you have anyone in RL to talk to about this?

Exactly Fetch, she doesn't owe anyone a nice Christmas -- everyone will understand, really!

Another good reason to tell people is it will help reduce your own overpowering rage. Just sharing it, and seeing other people be angry at him on your behalf, will help drain some of it away.

firstly, really really sorry. have been there many times myself with my now ex husband. I dont condone your violence, but i do understand it. But please stop that. Its not worth it and will not help the situation at all.

I kicked my husband out of our home on the 17th dec. I felt the same way you did, the humilation is emense, but you have to tell people. They will rally around and somehow you will get through the next few weeks, and yes, it wont be a good christmas, but so what? Its just a day, there will be plenty of other good ones.
Call your family asap, get help and support because sure as hell you do not need to do this alone.

Oh my, what a horrible thing to happen. I understand your rage but try to let your anger out some other way (try boxercise?).

I am also with the others and do not think you should feel responsible for a family xmas. With that amount of anger i honestly doubt you could keep it in and may attack him verbally/physically after a few drinks (i would worry that i would do that).

I would tell one person who could then pass it on (this is what i did when my exH went off with my best friend - i just couldn't face telling every one individually). I would separate myself from him - tell him he has to leave till you have calmed down.

Where is he by the way? is he still in the home? is he desperately sorry? I find the attitude of him to be angry and embarrassed to be asked questions shocking! Surely that is your right and he must accept he has to be totally honest with you if he does want to regain your trust.

Or does he not want the marriage anymore and this was his cowardly way out?

I am so sorry for you, what a totally shitty situation that he has caused.

OP you can't possibly go through this christmas with him! I'm not as shocked by your violence as others seem to be - I'm not surprised - but you can't be in the same room as him, certainly not pull off a full christmas with him at your side . Fuck the family (in the nicest possible way). I really really feel for you but you can't put yourself through that. Everything's off, surely? Will he leave the house willingly, or will he cause trouble? It makes sense that you need to be in the house with the kids and he needs to be GONE for the foreseeable. At least don't breathe the same air as him until you feel you won't kill him.

Please don't think I'm saying this in a derogatry (sp) way. I think that if you let your family come for christmas and pretend that everything is fine then it makes it seem as though you yourself have something to hide and that you feel ashamed whereas he is the one who should feel ashamed.

You should cancel the family coming as personally I couldn't cope with the forced happiness that it would entail and if you can face it tell people why. You can then decide whether you want your husband at home over Christmas or whether you would prefer to work things out in the New Year. Tell your DS though as I'm sure he will be supportive.

You have had lots of good advice and I just wanted to second the exercise instead of violence.

I ran, never ran before and haven't had the need to run again but I did run and run, with tears and snot streaming down my face. I ran in the dark knowing that if any fucker jumped out on me I had enough rage in myself to defend myself!

Please try and look after yourself, tell a friend what has happened and ask them to meet you at your house, then text him and tell him he has to leave as soon as you get there.

Don't get violent - he'll be able to use it against you, and you will regret it (although it's understandable). Piss in his bath, clean the loo with his toothbrush - be creative, have fun working your anger out. As to what happens now? Well I think you know where it's going. Good luck!

Oh bugger! I don't mean rat poison in coffee, by the way. Although a bogey in his christmas dinner would be another matter

Can you tell your mum and get her to tell everyone else? Just the bare outlines? I would also tell your eldest. In his place I would rather know, and you do need support. If he's back from uni then he'll presumably be home for a few weeks, so he'll be able to help you keep things calm/give you man-hugs when you need them/take over talking to other people when you don't feel you can. Someone on your side who can do that for you would be a real help.

Don't know what else to say, other than I am so sorry for you. Like some of the other posters, I am not surprised at your losing it with him initially, but well done for reining it back since. You need to keep as physically calm around him as you can as lisaro says, otherwise he may try to use it against you.

And kick him out! Whether you want him back in time is entirely your choice, but you need space to calm down and be yourself.

Good luck, and best wishes, and a virtual hug

Is there any reason why you can't just kick the cheating fuckbag out?

Why on earth do people do this to their partners? What was he thinking?

I would book myself and my kids into a nice hotel for Christmas, make DH pay for it, and then tell him to bugger off until he came back and grovelled. A lot.

Sorry but your violence is inexcusable. If you are still unable to control it, you need to leave the family home for the time being. A partner's infidelity does not EVER justify repeated physical assaults. Have you previous form for violence in relationships?

FFS she had had a terrible shock, felt hugely threatened, and it manifested itself physically, probably in a random ineffectual slapping sort of way. That hardly means she's a danger to her family. Have a bit of compassion.