please help-answered phone to ow had no idea- now sick to stomach, going crazy

[sowhatamigoingtodonow]

please help anyone who has experienced this.

dh was asleep night before last and i took his phone, from under his pillow where he always keeps it, jealously guards (i know i know all clear now) to call my own phone as couldn't find it. then a girl called i answred, she asked for dh, i told her he's sleeping, she asked me to tell him to call her back..and then 'but who are you/ i'm his wife, who are you/etc' and she told me she met him last week in a bar and they have met a couple of times since and had sex. she was very apologetic, said there was no way she would have slept with him if she knew he was married, etc

i woke him, afraid i did attack him physically but our dd (2) was in the bed so i had to stop.
he started lying and lying and finally only admitted the very bare minimum he couldn't deny. i did convince him by speaking very calmly and quietly that he had to give all details. he complained that it was very uncomfortable to talk about and was angry to be asked questions
he went outside to smoke and i locked him out so he slept in the car i think, in the morning i'm afraid i attacked him twice more. i'm not a violent person normally but when i saw him i literally flew into a ballistic rage and wanted to kill him. i'm only sorry that i'm so f-ing feeble i couldn't really do him damage. and sorry because the kids saw me (DDs 2 and 4yrs)

my ds is home from uni for 3 weeks only so i do not want to give him this drama and put him in the terrible position of having to defend me. and my whole family (sister/brother/dad and gf and her 2 kids are coming to stay for 2 weeks from next week)
this is a really special xmas we've been planning for months and i can't fuck it up for everyone by being a crazy fucking mess with a cheating shitbag dh.
i just had to get away yesterday, took ds for a night away visiting my friend.
today i have to go back
getting away with ds i managed to stop the uncontrollable crying
but i don't know if i can control myself physically when i see dh. i just want to take a stick and beat him and beat him
i don't know if we can seriously survive this. i can't stomach the thought of staying but i seriously just wish this had never happened. or even that i didn't know. seriously. it's too much to cope with
2 days ago i was happy now i'm mad with hate
what can i do?

oh, I have me a bona-fide stalker

just what I wanted for Christmas

thanks, Santa, you really have made all my wishes come true < claps hands >

FFS Imperfect stop trying to derail the thread if you have no useful contribution do be a dear and fuck off.

sorry af xposted

thanks vicar. i really am appreciating the support. i don't have any in rl which is why i turned here. if i tell the family it will just make things worse. i don't want to know their opinions and it will all blow up into a big fight. i'm hoping with some drugs i can get through, it probably isn't possible but i can't face telling them. i am humiliated and there will be an expectation that i should leave him immediately and then if, if, we did find anything to save it would be a big pressure knowing that everyone was tutting and shaking their heads at my lack of self respect, etc
i wouldn't even consider it if not for kids, can't stomach it at all but i'm aware that people do recover from the shock and manage to repair their marriage.
i'm not saying that's what i want but the more people i tell now th hardr that option would be

np, Doris

ok, lg

we will be here whatever you decide

I would hate for you to think that MN'ers would fall into the same category as your shitty family (ie. applying pressure you do not need, and can't cope with)

Imperfect - synonyms - 1. defective, faulty. 2. incomplete, underdeveloped; immature.

Stalker you wish. Keep posting on mn all over Christmas. It's the only life some of you have.

Keep patrolling the boards. They need menopausal women.

Have fun! :)

Go away.

Why did you withdraw your last abusive post towards me, BIP ?

At least leave it there for all to see...have the courage of your convictions, eh

So sorry this awful thing has happened. The best thing I did was ask my husband to leave when I found out his affair. You need space and time.

If you feel you cant fair enough - but take it from the experienced it would be best.

And also you must must get some support - I didnt get any from my b of a mother. But I did get it from some other kind relatives. Is there one relative you get on with well - it can be you havent had much contact recently - but believe me they would want you to ask them when you are such a difficult position. If not family please ask a friend. Far away physically might be good as they arent involved in the daily village stress. BUt they would also want to be asked.

OP, I too am thinking of you at this unimaginably horrid time. There is no right or wrong way to behave and please don't hold back from getting rl support because you are concerned how you will be judged or it could influence the future. You don't know what the future holds (although it can only be better than the present) and support can come from surprising quarters. Acquaintances can turn out to be very kind souls.

Longgroan, people do repair their marriage after infidelity, sometimes.

I have spent from 5 November, when I finally learned the truth, doing just that.

So I know exactly how that works.

But, you poor woman, that is NOT going to happen here, from what you say.

Your h will not communicate, is not sorry, is not trying, is not really aware what he has done. He isnt admitted anything voluntarily either. You are light years away from succcessful repair, sadly.

I do really feel for you, and still think you should tell family.

OP, you sound really low. Please keep posting - everyone is here for you.

i know i want to leave and never see him again, i don't think i can ever forgive, definitely can't forget but it's hard to believe this is my new life,
we were going to try for another baby next year. i wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man, i want my kids to grow up in the happy family we had until last week.
i was never planning on being naked in front of another man again. i love my life, i thought we were perfect together
but now i'll never believe or trust him again, so whats the point in anything again?
dh says i only want to leave because i'm angry, want to punish him and prove to others how strong i am. but staying just looks like certain misery too. i'll become a bitter angry hag, leaving i'll be bitter and sad. especially as he'll probably just hook up with someone else and move on..i can't bear the thought of any of it

Short term that might be right, but long term things will be better-without having to look over your shoulder all the time, checking up on your cheating partner.

You sound like you need a short term strategy, if you like, to get you over the gut-wrenching hideousness of all this. Worry about the future later-what will be will be. Right now you've got to find a way to function, to get through the next few weeks.

I withdrew it, because it would just be an excuse for you and your net friends bullies.

To keep making reportable posts. You can't seem to help yourself. Doesn't mean I didn't mean it. Merry Christmas ladies.

''dh says i only want to leave because i'm angry, want to punish him and prove to others how strong i am.'' nothing to do with him being a lying cheating fraud then...

You will find strength to do what's best for you, it may not be today, tomorrow, or next week, but you WILL find it.

lg, just keep posting, and ignore any one negative. You know they are just trying to derail you.

I work with my h too, and put all of my equity in our house when I met him. I am 51, not 40. But I would have left in the end, if he hadnt turned himself around so spectacularly. It did take me a long time to get to that point, but it was a mistake. Even he says now, that he wishes I had discovered and firmed up earlier, although of course he sees that it is his own fault.

Look at the thread 'after the affair', you will see there what you need to see from him to have any chance.

Your focus right now should by your DC's and your own well being. You may or may not want to seperate from your H but it is essential that you take the following steps to safeguard your interests.

• Take a good hard look at your H's finances and assets. Take copies and make notes. Cover your own financial soft spots (i.e. joint money in his bank a/c) if any. This is best done with the help of an accountant / financial consultant.

• Keep your H in the dark about what you may intend to do, i.e. seperate etc. without putting everything, esp. finances in order, getting legal advice and understanding your financial situation.

• Don't tell your family (including your DS) everything if you don't feel ready. But do let them know that your marriage has hit a rough patch without giving away too many details. This is just to set expectations in place and stop yourself from going crazy.

• Ask your H to give you some space and move out if possible. If not, then set boundaries to help you tide through christmas. He can sleep with the DC's, help out with childcare and chores and keep himself out of the way.

• Once your family arrives, get busy with them and keep a distance from your H. Make plans to go out for walks, outing etc. without your H. Your H can stay at home taking care of your younger DCs. When you are home with your family, ask him to step out and leave you all alone.

• Don't do anything you don't want to - cleaning, cooking etc. Take help from your friends and family, buy food from outside for xmas if you can't be bothered, keep it simple and get a cleaner if you can afford to. This is essential to preserve your mental and emotional well being and to prevent yourself from spiralling into depression. Most importantly, EAT.

• Don't get into altercations with your H at any point. Remember, the cooler you are, the better outcome you can work out for yourself.

Easier said than done, I know, but keep breathing and keep going. Life has dealt you a very hard blow but promise yourself that you will come out flying through this. You will find a lot of support here. If at any time you will cornered, breaking down or miserable, just come on here and get advice.

thanks fiventhree im reading the other thread. my immediate feeling was to wish this had never happened and even that i had never found out. i just can't live with this
a one night stand would be easier to accept as terrible mistake but 2 nights and his overwhelming desire for a girl the same age as ds's gf is too fucking foul to cope with
i think he is shocked and regrets causing me pain by being found out. but i don't believe he regrets the great sexual experience he's enjoyed. he keeps saying he was weak and he's sorry but is acting as normal as possible. our staff can clearly see i'm a state. i told one person the day i found out and i assume she's told the others.
i told his sister too, we're not close but i wanted his family to know what a shit he is. i told her by text but he told her to mind her own business basically and she is

searchsquad, thanks very much for your post. my exhausted brain likes bullet points and those are all 'do-able' things i feel well help in this next week or 2. i've already made plans for us to eat out for xmas day and boxing day. i haven't cooked or eaten with dh since this happened.
dh organises most of the banking/ finances and i already thought i need to get a copy of everything. i put every penny i had into our/ his pre-existing business over the past 2 years
i've not talked about 'us' since sunday afternoon. i don't have questions now. i do wish i saw some radical drastic actions to make me want to stay but no that's not dh. his reaction to conflict is always to keep his head down, stay busy, sleep excessively (fucking asshole-i'm on 3-4 hours a night, waking crying still)
it's just desperately sad but i already started to feel i'm not going to sort this out for him. if he can't fight for me there's no point

searchsquads advice is excellent, and exactly what you need to do.

can you manage to do those things LG? just one at a time, as and when you feel like it?