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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help-answered phone to ow had no idea- now sick to stomach, going crazy

406 replies

sowhatamigoingtodonow · 15/12/2011 04:58

please help anyone who has experienced this.

dh was asleep night before last and i took his phone, from under his pillow where he always keeps it, jealously guards (i know i know all clear now) to call my own phone as couldn't find it. then a girl called i answred, she asked for dh, i told her he's sleeping, she asked me to tell him to call her back..and then 'but who are you/ i'm his wife, who are you/etc' and she told me she met him last week in a bar and they have met a couple of times since and had sex. she was very apologetic, said there was no way she would have slept with him if she knew he was married, etc

i woke him, afraid i did attack him physically but our dd (2) was in the bed so i had to stop.
he started lying and lying and finally only admitted the very bare minimum he couldn't deny. i did convince him by speaking very calmly and quietly that he had to give all details. he complained that it was very uncomfortable to talk about and was angry to be asked questions
he went outside to smoke and i locked him out so he slept in the car i think, in the morning i'm afraid i attacked him twice more. i'm not a violent person normally but when i saw him i literally flew into a ballistic rage and wanted to kill him. i'm only sorry that i'm so f-ing feeble i couldn't really do him damage. and sorry because the kids saw me (DDs 2 and 4yrs)

my ds is home from uni for 3 weeks only so i do not want to give him this drama and put him in the terrible position of having to defend me. and my whole family (sister/brother/dad and gf and her 2 kids are coming to stay for 2 weeks from next week)
this is a really special xmas we've been planning for months and i can't fuck it up for everyone by being a crazy fucking mess with a cheating shitbag dh.
i just had to get away yesterday, took ds for a night away visiting my friend.
today i have to go back
getting away with ds i managed to stop the uncontrollable crying
but i don't know if i can control myself physically when i see dh. i just want to take a stick and beat him and beat him
i don't know if we can seriously survive this. i can't stomach the thought of staying but i seriously just wish this had never happened. or even that i didn't know. seriously. it's too much to cope with
2 days ago i was happy now i'm mad with hate
what can i do?

OP posts:
abbierhodes · 15/12/2011 22:25

'Toughasoldboots' I wasn't trying to be inflammatory, what a stupid comment! I'm speaking my mind, as are the rest of you I assume.

I'm not saying for one second I can't understand lashing out in anger. What worries me is the OP's attitude to it now. She isn't sorry, she is planning to see him despite the fact that she doesn't feel in control of herself, she doesn't see the problem with her child witnessing the violence... this is what isn't normal.

Those posters defending her...please answer me this: if she was bigger than him, and she had done him some damage, would you still say it didnt matter? Because her emotional response would surely be the same. Would it be 'understandable' if it had been a big man hitting a little woman? Because if the roles were reversed, he could have the 'red mist' too. Would you all be so understanding?

bubblechristmaspop · 15/12/2011 22:25

Keep it up northern.

She said she wasn't bothered if the dd remembers her violence as that's life. Nice eh.

Keep justifying violence infront of children ladies.

averyembarrassingq · 15/12/2011 22:26

Bubble - I see no evidence of anyone on here being pro violence. Just a bunch of us that are flawed human beings that have dealt with shock and hurt in an inappropriate manner that we have admitted to, and learnt from. I think almost all of us have said that violence is wrong but are showing empathy for a distraught and heart broken woman. I'm sure she will be prioritising her children's mental welfare as she probably always has done.

ThatVikRinA22 · 15/12/2011 22:27

omg. a mumsnetter on a crusade.

her child will be fine, more fine than half the children i come across in my working life i am sure, more fine than those who subject their partners and children to ongoing, daily, domestic abuse, and whose parents stay for whatever reason.

this was a one off in the heat of the very moment the OP found out her DH was screwing another woman.

i was the victim of the type of ongoing DV situation that i describe (well documented on here,)- that does the damage bubble, not a heat of the moment debacle like the Op describes.

give the woman a break now eh? she knows she did wrong. she said it. just because she wants to hit him again for hurting her does not mean she will - she is spilling her guts on here, her feelings, her raw emotion.

some people need to get off the soap box unless they actually know what they are talking about.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 15/12/2011 22:27

pro violent?
Get away.

And stop with the self righteous no one else cares about the children stuff.

I spend my life caring for 'the children'. If this family landed on my case load i would be of course concerned about the violent episode but I would see it in context. I would be required to report it after discussing it with the OP but if it went any further with SS I would be bloody amazed.
The kids wouldnt be removed.

PosiesofPoinsettia · 15/12/2011 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

bubblechristmaspop · 15/12/2011 22:29

She isn't prioritising her child's welfare though?

She can't guarantee she wont be violent, but is going to see him anyway. She isn't bothered if her children see or remember. That is not normal.

Handy how you all seem to have missed that...

Northernlurker · 15/12/2011 22:29

Fwiw - yes if a man posted these exact circumstances I would say exactly the same. That whilst I can see how it happened, it must never, ever happen again.

ThatVikRinA22 · 15/12/2011 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

TheLastNameLeft · 15/12/2011 22:31

Bubble, I had a proper read of OP following your last one to me and concede that there was an older child there.

There is no way in a million years I would ever condone children witnessing any form of violence from one parent to another and I can actually get what you are trying to say; I really can.

I admire you for sticking up for the kids in this scenario.

Honestly though I dont think I am reading a long term DV realtionship here; just one that is reactionary from the OP and she has stated she is not happy her children witnessed this.

I dont know if I can honestly state how I would react if my DH had done this to me.

PosiesofPoinsettia · 15/12/2011 22:31

If my husband shagged a woman twice outside of our marriage I wouldn't be upset if I hit him.....

TheLastNameLeft · 15/12/2011 22:32

[curse my spelling sorry]

bubblechristmaspop · 15/12/2011 22:32

What's that women who condone violence especially in front of children trying to bully a poster. Who'd have thought it.

I see now, youve all been cheated on right? Not suprised, quite frankly you all sound awful. Husband ran before he could be hit eh?

bubblechristmaspop · 15/12/2011 22:34

Oh ladies you've lost the fight once you've started calling names.

ThatVikRinA22 · 15/12/2011 22:34

OP - start another thread.

do not mention that you lamped him one.

this is a lost cause now and you need the support right now. change name - new thread.
just do it and we can get back to how best to support you in this.

Northernlurker · 15/12/2011 22:34

Whereas you're a real sweetheart are you bubble?

bruxeur · 15/12/2011 22:35

What would it take for you to hit your kids, OP? Pretty short fuse, there, and a nice line in justification. I expect they'll probably deserve it, at some point.

averyembarrassingq · 15/12/2011 22:35

Bubble - this looks like a bit of good sport here for you whilst people's lives are imploding around their ears. Your posts are quite frankly, offensive and I am logging off of this now. Have a lovely Christmas!

PosiesofPoinsettia · 15/12/2011 22:36

Considering that my dh is at least 6 stones heavier than me and has proportionately, and actually, more muscle........ I tend to think that if he attacked me it would hurt a lot more. I tend to think this is the case in most households, to a degree.

kerrymumbles · 15/12/2011 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bubblechristmaspop · 15/12/2011 22:37

Yep northern. I don't justify violence infront of kids. Then start personally insulting people with name calling who don't.

Keep it up, as I'll report ever last one. So don't waste your time. :)

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2011 22:37

There is not a social worker in the land that would be taking an interest in the children's welfare after what happened here

I absolutely agree with vicar here

OP, I am sorry this has happened to you

I don't think you should be the one to leave the house

What I would be most disappointed in, though, is if the OP took him back after all this upset

That, to me, would be the worst example she could set for her kids, for her husband, but mostly for herself

PosiesofPoinsettia · 15/12/2011 22:37

Bubble, ah it is you.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 15/12/2011 22:38

You are being bullied? Whaaaa?
I havent been cheated on and have been with my OH over 20 year so sorry to mess up your little theory.

You are determined to make this fit your idea arent you? Regardless you will go on and on and on and I suspect that has very little to do with your concern for children.
More about being right.
So carry on.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2011 22:40

bubble you have said your piece

to carry on in the same vein would not be helpful

to the OP, nor to the Lurkers

you have a point, but you've made it repeatedly in an aggressive manner, and seem hell bent on taking on anyone who dares question you

go and have a Brew or summat, really