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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help-answered phone to ow had no idea- now sick to stomach, going crazy

406 replies

sowhatamigoingtodonow · 15/12/2011 04:58

please help anyone who has experienced this.

dh was asleep night before last and i took his phone, from under his pillow where he always keeps it, jealously guards (i know i know all clear now) to call my own phone as couldn't find it. then a girl called i answred, she asked for dh, i told her he's sleeping, she asked me to tell him to call her back..and then 'but who are you/ i'm his wife, who are you/etc' and she told me she met him last week in a bar and they have met a couple of times since and had sex. she was very apologetic, said there was no way she would have slept with him if she knew he was married, etc

i woke him, afraid i did attack him physically but our dd (2) was in the bed so i had to stop.
he started lying and lying and finally only admitted the very bare minimum he couldn't deny. i did convince him by speaking very calmly and quietly that he had to give all details. he complained that it was very uncomfortable to talk about and was angry to be asked questions
he went outside to smoke and i locked him out so he slept in the car i think, in the morning i'm afraid i attacked him twice more. i'm not a violent person normally but when i saw him i literally flew into a ballistic rage and wanted to kill him. i'm only sorry that i'm so f-ing feeble i couldn't really do him damage. and sorry because the kids saw me (DDs 2 and 4yrs)

my ds is home from uni for 3 weeks only so i do not want to give him this drama and put him in the terrible position of having to defend me. and my whole family (sister/brother/dad and gf and her 2 kids are coming to stay for 2 weeks from next week)
this is a really special xmas we've been planning for months and i can't fuck it up for everyone by being a crazy fucking mess with a cheating shitbag dh.
i just had to get away yesterday, took ds for a night away visiting my friend.
today i have to go back
getting away with ds i managed to stop the uncontrollable crying
but i don't know if i can control myself physically when i see dh. i just want to take a stick and beat him and beat him
i don't know if we can seriously survive this. i can't stomach the thought of staying but i seriously just wish this had never happened. or even that i didn't know. seriously. it's too much to cope with
2 days ago i was happy now i'm mad with hate
what can i do?

OP posts:
JarethTheGoblinKing · 15/12/2011 21:18

Kick him out!

abbierhodes · 15/12/2011 21:20

OP, I'm sorry but you were not 'fighting physically to protect your family' you were lashing out in anger. You're not even sorry. Not even a little bit. I think you should end your marriage, for both your sakes.

Toughasoldboots · 15/12/2011 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BayPolar · 15/12/2011 21:23

There is 'violence' and there is discovering that your husband is a lying, cheating cad.
I know that I too would have lashed out at the love of my life if this had happened, and sod being PC about this.

Original poster
sowhatamigoingtodonow · 15/12/2011 21:26

haha i love mumsnet, always the outside horse likes to take the lead.

no i'm not normally violent. i've never hit anyone in my life before which only made me pathetic when i really wanted to inflict injury

lucky you people to have never experienced such a horrific reaction. i never knew i could behave like that. it shocked me. i thought immediately, jesus imagine i had picked up a knife one of us could have died.

i was so shocked i left immediately and haven't returned yet and i'm still planning to go to a dr and get something to take the edge of my hyper-painful-reality

but please don't worry yourself silly about my husband he is a heavy set guy who took my reaction as quite a normal one

i think somehow you anti-violence brigade protest too much, we are only human afterall. i didn't invent a new evil way of reacting

and i would go as far as saying that if my daughter forever remembers me hitting her father when i found out about his infidelity it's not the worst example ever. this is life sometimes

OP posts:
RitaMorgan · 15/12/2011 21:26

Cheating is bad, but physically attacking someone in front of small children is absolutely appalling! How frightening for your children. Anger, jealousy or whatever does not excuse that kind of behaviour - I'm also shocked by the number of posters who think it's understandable.

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 15/12/2011 21:29

If she'd killed him, would you all be saying he had it coming for daring to breach monogamy? She says she's only sorry that she didn't kill him. I tend to suspect that people who think that infidelity justifies violence are the sort of people who deserve to be cheated on: you don't own a partner, s/he is not your property to destroy if it's faulty, and no one is entitled to enforce monogamy by means of violence or the threat of it.

BayPolar · 15/12/2011 21:29

Bubble
Stop being so melodramatic. I am sure that the OP is saying these things, 'I could kill him for doing this to us' but not really meaning it.
It's a way of releasing anger.
Stop taking what she writes so literally and put your perfect self in her place.
Like really, does she really come across as stupid enough to kill somebody without realising the price you have to pay?
Give her a break and let her cope with this in her own way.
I would feel like 'killing' the love of my life, too, if this happened, but I wouldn't do it, it's just figurative and fck the PC club.

Original poster
sowhatamigoingtodonow · 15/12/2011 21:31

oh solidgold years of reading your nonsense, merry xmas to you! and a virtual punch in the guts!

OP posts:
BayPolar · 15/12/2011 21:32

I always disagree with solidgold, and for many good reasons.

verlainechasedrimbauds · 15/12/2011 21:33

OP. I really hope you are taking on board the comments from the "anti-violence brigade" as well as finding the sympathy/empathy helpful.

I understand (and have experienced) the same shock as you. I felt very angry, wanted to throw a chair throught the window and did actually break a small wooden chair on the floor (and shocked and frightened myself into the bargain by doing so) - I did not, and would never inflict that violence on another person. It is not "understandable", it's WRONG. Keep yourself and your children safe by staying away from him. Read your posts back to yourself and see how you are condoning and excusing your own violence.

bubblechristmaspop · 15/12/2011 21:34

See good old munsnet. Fucking stupid. Kick the shit out of your husband, go on, it's ok if he makes you angry. Dont be so pc.

Op is unhinged. She just said her dd, if she remembers the violence to her father it won't be the worst thing that could happen. Listen to what you are condoning here people.

For that alone op deserves to lose her kids, keep going like that she will. Violence is no lesson to teach children.

verlainechasedrimbauds · 15/12/2011 21:35

The trouble is Baypolar, the OP's violent feelings and expressions have not just been figurative.

ThatVikRinA22 · 15/12/2011 21:36

why dont people start a new thread to debate the rights and wrongs,

for now OP, how are you planning on getting through the next few days?

DO NOT put yourself in a position where you may not be able to contain your anger, if he phoned the police, as shit at this sounds, its you who would get arrested for domestic violence.
so just dont put yourself there, ok?

you HAVE to tell your family. They love you, they will support you, the shame is not yours, and they will help you i am sure.

shit happens. its done. but now you have to make sure you dont attack him again, and you need some practical, proper, support in all of this.

i feel for you, i really do.

abbierhodes · 15/12/2011 21:37

Toughasoldboots... I don't think losing your child can be compared to being cheated on. That's insulting to bereaved parents.

I'm not saying the OP is 'an abuser' but violence is worse than infidelity.

TheFestiveWife · 15/12/2011 21:39

sowhatamigoingtodonow I'm sorry you're going through all this. Sorry that he's a lying cheating twat, sorry that it's messed up your life. Xmas Sad

Everyone blabing on about the "violence" Xmas Hmm I take it none of you have ever come up against a situation like this? Never had your heart ripped out of your chest and trodden on? Well bully for you, lets hope you lot can continue to live in your little cotton wool bubbles. Xmas Hmm The OP has had her world turned upside down, cut her some slack. If she had given him a black eye or a fat lip or he'd had to go to hospital then yes fair enough. But he didn't did he, he's fine, he hasn't been beaten to a pulp by his tiny wife so you all stop getting your knickers in a twist!

verytellytubby · 15/12/2011 21:39

I'd have done the same. Walk a mile in her shoes.

Keep strong, keep safe. Kick the bastard out.

BayPolar · 15/12/2011 21:41

She lashed out at first. Which I would have done,too, probably by pathetically pummeling and slapping my man's chest, crying, distressed.
This is not violence.
This is having your life overturned.
I would be proud of my mother for being upset and then leaving this scoundrel.
I would understand that she was only being human when she lashed out at her husband soon after finding out.
Has she been stalking him since?
Throwing grenades through the window?
Spiking his milk?
No.
She has been open and honest and makes a fine mother for such honesty.
There are a lot of saints on MN who know how to react to everything thrown at them, who know what's right, and what's not right, and whilst lashing out at somebody for infidelity is a bit immature, it was merely a response to having your life torn apart, and give the woman a break, think about what she did, and why she didn't, and how pathetic it would look to the by-stander - this little woman taking on a big man, with slaps, in the heat of a moment.

Original poster
sowhatamigoingtodonow · 15/12/2011 21:41

oh no verlaine, the poor wee wooden chair, how do you live with yourself???

i'm not excusing anything. i have been relying on mumsnet in times of crisis since 2006.

i told you people about my violent acts, because i was shocked and i 'owned' the terribleness. i wasn't bragging

it is a typical trend on mumsnet for a certain type to howl against but miss the point.

dh is fine, it's not a good thing to do to attack someone physically in anger but it's certainly inside the range of human behaviours that may manifest in a very shit situation

anyone who can deny that i think is pretty odd

OP posts:
TheFestiveWife · 15/12/2011 21:42

I second those who had said tell your family. They will help you through this, and keep that shit away from you whilst you get a little bit of normality back in your life. Have some very unMN (((hugs)))

Toughasoldboots · 15/12/2011 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bubblechristmaspop · 15/12/2011 21:44

Her dd is witnessing the violence. Op in her own words isn't bothered if this affects her or she remembers.

It's teaching her about life. Shame on every single one of you, justifying the op in this stance. It's not about the little woman bashing her man. That's child abuse and you are condoning it on mn.

Well done ladies.

verlainechasedrimbauds · 15/12/2011 21:44

Did you read my post, TheFestiveWife?
Would you say the same if a man had "just" given a woman an "ineffectual slap"? Would you suggest "cutting him some slack"? It's not living in a cotton wool bubble to say that violence is wrong. She wasn't defending herself - she was lashing out in ungoverned rage. If the OP had said that she was sorry about the violence and that she was now confident it wouldn't happen again, then the "blabbing on" wouldn't be happening. Of course she's shocked - that's not the point, is it?

Original poster
sowhatamigoingtodonow · 15/12/2011 21:47

wow bubblexmas, just wow

if you read your own posts back do you really agree with yourself?

OP posts:
verlainechasedrimbauds · 15/12/2011 21:47

Good. OP. I'm glad you are owning the terribleness. That's the first I've seen of it.

I hope you can find a way through this and that life improves for you. It's shit, finding this kind of thing out, I know.

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