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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help-answered phone to ow had no idea- now sick to stomach, going crazy

406 replies

sowhatamigoingtodonow · 15/12/2011 04:58

please help anyone who has experienced this.

dh was asleep night before last and i took his phone, from under his pillow where he always keeps it, jealously guards (i know i know all clear now) to call my own phone as couldn't find it. then a girl called i answred, she asked for dh, i told her he's sleeping, she asked me to tell him to call her back..and then 'but who are you/ i'm his wife, who are you/etc' and she told me she met him last week in a bar and they have met a couple of times since and had sex. she was very apologetic, said there was no way she would have slept with him if she knew he was married, etc

i woke him, afraid i did attack him physically but our dd (2) was in the bed so i had to stop.
he started lying and lying and finally only admitted the very bare minimum he couldn't deny. i did convince him by speaking very calmly and quietly that he had to give all details. he complained that it was very uncomfortable to talk about and was angry to be asked questions
he went outside to smoke and i locked him out so he slept in the car i think, in the morning i'm afraid i attacked him twice more. i'm not a violent person normally but when i saw him i literally flew into a ballistic rage and wanted to kill him. i'm only sorry that i'm so f-ing feeble i couldn't really do him damage. and sorry because the kids saw me (DDs 2 and 4yrs)

my ds is home from uni for 3 weeks only so i do not want to give him this drama and put him in the terrible position of having to defend me. and my whole family (sister/brother/dad and gf and her 2 kids are coming to stay for 2 weeks from next week)
this is a really special xmas we've been planning for months and i can't fuck it up for everyone by being a crazy fucking mess with a cheating shitbag dh.
i just had to get away yesterday, took ds for a night away visiting my friend.
today i have to go back
getting away with ds i managed to stop the uncontrollable crying
but i don't know if i can control myself physically when i see dh. i just want to take a stick and beat him and beat him
i don't know if we can seriously survive this. i can't stomach the thought of staying but i seriously just wish this had never happened. or even that i didn't know. seriously. it's too much to cope with
2 days ago i was happy now i'm mad with hate
what can i do?

OP posts:
trulyscrumptious43 · 15/12/2011 18:55

SolidGoldStockingFilla take your nasty attitude elsewhere please.
The OP has come here for support and admitted her lack of control at the time - who blooming wouldn't, I ask you? As she said she is slight and not able to hurt anyone anyway. You are not helping.

FabbyChic · 15/12/2011 19:08

OMG I feel for you so badly.

I lost it like you once, I moved my kids 110 miles away from family and friends to be near someone, I found out after being here two weeks he was a messer texted and met other women, I found his phone too he had turned it off and passworded it I got in and read his text whilst we were out that night he had been texting another woman about sharing her bed.

I got him out of bed and attacked him my fists punching against his chest. Im not violent Im gobby but it made me see red.

Dont be ashamed you have done nothing wrong.

He has.

Ilovepigs · 15/12/2011 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 15/12/2011 19:24
Shock
Ilovepigs · 15/12/2011 19:43

Hmm surprise surprise my comment gets deleted. And theres no mn royalty right?

averyembarrassingq · 15/12/2011 19:57

OP, how very sorry I am for you. When the red mist comes down, we are all capable of losing our temper to one degree or another. No one is more placid than me and when I caught my ex husband cheating, I threw everything I could lay my hands on at him, hit him round the head and then I smashed his car up with the garden hoe. I was not capable of stopping and I shocked myself and carried around with me humiliation for a long time about his treatment of me and my reaction. (I've forgiven myself now and I think you should also.)

You are in unprecedented territory and you have had your future snatched away from you. You are not to blame in anyway for your husband's lack of fidelity. No other advice for you but just wanted to say that I understand the red mist uncontrollable temper. Take care.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 15/12/2011 20:03

I reported your post because it was ridiculous and offensive. You don't tell someone to fuck off just because you disagree with someone Hmm

There are other posts which express the same sentiment that yours did, but they still stand. Fuck all to do with MN royalty

BayPolar · 15/12/2011 20:09

'Smashed his car up with the garden hoe'.
:)

Ilovepigs · 15/12/2011 20:09

Wow. teachers pet much? You think fuck off is offensive? reallyHmm

I said that because as per usual poster was coming across as a sanctimonious moo bag

JarethTheGoblinKing · 15/12/2011 20:10
Hmm

I'm nobody's pet, thank you.

Grin at 'moo bag' tho.

bubblechristmaspop · 15/12/2011 20:12

What the fuck is wrong with some of you women? Violence and understandable shouldn't be in the same sentence. Violence is never understandable. A partner male or female has an affair, violence is NEVER understandable.

Don't get me wrong op, you must feel awful, you must be sick and distraught I get that.

But lashing out repetadley and saying on this thread how you still want to batter and kill him? Jesus. You are at best going to end up with a criminal record and supervised access at worst prison. You have repeatedly attacked him and are still talking about battering and killing, even if you turn around and say its just words.

You absolutely must stay away from him, that's the best advice anyone can give you, otherwise you will be the one to lose here.

Northernlurker · 15/12/2011 20:18

It is understandable that the OP reacted as she did but never ever excusable. Now that she knows that is her reaction she has a responsibility to herself as well as to her family to make sure that never ever happens again.

OlderNotWiser · 15/12/2011 20:20

See I think theres a huge difference between 'controlling wanker punches partner to feel good about self' and 'distraught woman lashes out on discovery of betrayal'. I think most DA is about control and abuse. This woman clearly lost the plot on finding out her partner had cheated. Given that women tend to be smaller ect makes me cross when people shout 'Abuse' when a woman admits to lashing out.
Small disclaimer . Im sure there are women out there who abuse, but FFS, this is hardly an example. IMO.

bruxeur · 15/12/2011 20:21

OP you are an abuser. He is better off without you and tbh the kids will probably be safer with him too.

bubblechristmaspop · 15/12/2011 20:22

No it's not understandable, posters saying such things and stuff such as you e done nothing wrong. Are not helping the op.

Fact is, as shitty as an affair is, no one is going to prison for it.

Repeatedly attacking your spouse. Making threats to batter and kill however..

Op needs him gone, her gone, whatever. If she still feels such violence to him. Especially over Christmas with booze and pressure, if she can't keep her fists back. It's going to be her who loses, not him.

Northernlurker · 15/12/2011 20:29

There is a huge difference between appreciating the stress that led up to an act and condoning that act itself. It is clear (to me anyway) why the op did what she did. I do not condone it not should it be repeated but I can see how it came to happen. One only needs an ounce of empathy to get that far.

anonandariston · 15/12/2011 20:30

I'm sorry he's cheated on you, that's a horrible betrayal

But I'm with the others who think that the violence is worse, cheating is not illegal, violence is and to do it in front of your children is really disgusting whatever the provocation

Toughasoldboots · 15/12/2011 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bubblechristmaspop · 15/12/2011 20:38

Northern. The facts people need to remember here are simple.

An affair is soul destroying, awful, dreadful and nasty. But not criminal, not illegal. You aren't going to get a night in the cells, a court case, supervised access to the kids for it.

Violence, repeated violence with dcs in the house. Is illegal and would lead to all of the above.

So when people empathise, instead of telling op she's done nothing wrong. People if they really care about her need to hammer this home.

If she dosent think she can control the agression, she must, must stay away from him.

OlderNotWiser · 15/12/2011 21:07

bubble. you are so black and white. life isnt that way.

Northernlurker · 15/12/2011 21:08

Bubble - in the interests of 'hammering it home' - an unfortunate turn of phrase in this context I think - you seem to me in grave danger of alienating the OP altogether. What's done cannot be undone. She needs support to get her own space and ensure this never ever happens again. She doesn't need a cold refusal to accept how this may have come to happen in the first place.

Original poster
sowhatamigoingtodonow · 15/12/2011 21:08

thank you for all the helpful comments i've read everything and agree with so much and appreciate people taking a moment to consider my fucked up sitution , the anti-violence brigade are lovely too, how reassuring that you exist!
i wonder would you fight physically to protect your family or if you were suddenly under attack?
i felt like that and i felt horrible to be so ridiculously ineffectual. i hardly managed to hit a proper blow even though i tried. so don't worry about my poor scumbag shit of a husband he survived fine and didn't seem to think it improper at all that i might want to kill him.

i left as soon as possible and haven't returned yet. he has the kids and i'm with ds and my friend. i haven't told ds, still not planning to. but i have calmed down significantly.
i'm still not sure how i will cope with seeing dh tomorrow, hopefully i won't try to kill him but i can't promise anything. the red mist really describes it well
i don't know what will happen. im surprised that i really wish i never found out. we were a super happy couple 48hrs ago. we shook our heads and tutted in dismay together about this sort of carry on. now this is my life

i really can hardly believe it. i'm still sick in pit of my stomach, maybe only good side effect will be losing weight
thanks again everyone you've given me a lot to think about

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 15/12/2011 21:10

You need to take a friend with you tomorrow and you need to keep a very firm grip on yourself. You cannot let your dcs see this and you cannot let your cheating prat of a husband reduce you to violence.

bubblechristmaspop · 15/12/2011 21:15

Older luckily yes it is that black and white. It's called the law.

Frankly the advice on here is dangerous. Look at ops last post, she has actually lost it. She can't guarantee she can't be violent. The only sensible thing for her to do, is therefore stay away. Otherwise she is going to be the only one that suffers here. If you exclude the dcs who will witness it.

abbierhodes · 15/12/2011 21:16

I cannot believe the amount of people on this thread trying to condone the violence. I'd like to hear the OP answer the question of whether she has ever hit him before.

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